My feelings during the affair with Peter Wittendorp

This is the 1st time I’m going to confess how he made me felt during the time he was in my life. I never thought of writing this post until a couple of days ago when I watched a HK TVB chinese drama and 1 of the storyline is about a rich man daughter having an affair with the CEO of the company who is married with a young daughter. The rich man daughter was pursuing the married man and she said to him that she won’t asks for a lot from him except for a little bit of his time.

It reminded me of the same statement I made to Peter Wittendorp. I told him all I wanted from him was just some of his time. I told him I didn’t need him to be with me all the time, but he had to find time to fly to KL to see me or we would meet in HK where he travels to frequently because he has an office in Central, HK. But the truth was, I was lying to him and myself. I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t tell him as I was worried if I did he would walked away. I longed for him day and night.

In the drama, the woman was waiting by her phone for the married man to reply her WhatsApp messages. She couldn’t sleep when he didn’t. Her mood was affected badly. She was happy when he replied her even if it was just a simple OK or an emoticon! It was the same for me. I could relate to the storyline and emotions through the woman acting because I wen through the same shit she was acting it out over the TV. When I watched those few episodes, a sense of deja vu crossed my mind, but I didn’t feel sad.

Watching it being played out actually made me realised even more how stupid I was to fool myself into thinking and believing I was ok with the bread crumbs that Peter Wittendorp was giving me. It wasn’t ok. I wanted more, but I was too scared to ask because he told me if I kept pushing for more I would pushed him away and out of my life. I didn’t want him out of my life hence I put up with the bread crumbs and I was very unhappy about it. But I put up with it not once, not twice but countless times. I had no one to blame, but myself. I didn’t want to lose him and because of that I forgave him many times when he broke his promises to me.

Also because of him I stop using the word “Promise”. The word doesn’t means shit to me anymore. He abused the word so often until I became sick of it and fought with him constantly because he broke his promises. Again, another major red flag that I had chosen to ignore. In the tv drama, the woman was very upset and disappointed when the married man cancelled their date. I had no problem relating to it.

I even pretended I was ok with it when I wasn’t. She did the same too in the tv drama. I never honestly told Peter Wittendorp how I felt because he always told me not to load too many of my emotions onto him. He even told me off in the early stages of our affair. He always told me that I was being too emotional. And because of the fear of losing him, I held back my true feelings. I always told myself it was just a game with him hence I shouldn’t take it too personal. But the truth was, it wasn’t a game. I was in loved with him for a long time and I didn’t want to admit it because I know I couldn’t had him. I lied to myself, my friends and even Peter Wittendorp until he confessed he loved me. That was when I admitted I loved him too.

Watching the tv drama and that particular storyline about the married man having an affair with the rich man daughter, I could see clearly that what I had with Peter Wittendorp was a toxic relationship/friendship. He did everything to make me fell for him, but he never planned to be in my life for long as he promised. I was too fearful of losing him and because of that I put up with his shitty treatments toward me. The bread crumbs he threw at me. If I had walked away earlier as I said I would many times, my heart wouldn’t be broken and I wouldn’t had to subject myself to baseless accusation. My name wouldn’t be linked to him and his cheating wife (according to Peter Wittendorp and in his own words).

The big fat lie he cooked up started even before he decided to walk back into my life again. He lied to me intentionally and continued to lie even when he had plenty of opportunities to come clean with me. I don’t think he lied to protect me, but rather to give himself a plausible reason to cheat on the wife with me. People think he only appeared in my life in 2014. NO! He was already in and out of my life since 2006 when he was still working for AIG.

He had never stopped liking me and he had never forgotten me. He was already cheating behind her back for a span of 10 years with me, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact until now. The initial 8 years were emotional cheating as we didn’t become intimate physically. But it didn’t mean we weren’t tempted to do. There were a few times we almost crossed the line. A few times time I pulled back as I wasn’t ready. Only 1 time he pulled back after we both got naked. At that time, I didn’t know his marital status as never talked about his personal life and I never asked. To be honest, I never pry unless it was necessary or if he volunteered the information.

I was always on his mind until April 2016 when I was accused by him for something someone did, but I was dragged into it too. All the time it was him who initiated the contact after a period of silent and he would waltzed back into my life like nothing had happened and picked up where we left off and always always up the ante. I’m not excusing my behaviour and actions. I’m just stating the facts and chain of events.

To be fair, although he gave me heartache, sorrow and a scar, he also did gave me happiness and some good memories too. The bad experienced he gave me made me understands myself better and reclaimed my self-worth and self-respect. I won’t put up with anyone who makes me feel bad or give me negative vibes or doesn’t value and appreciate me. I will not hide my feelings and emotions just to keep someone in my life. I become more open and vocal about my feelings, thoughts, emotions and views. I truly live my life as openly as possible and I have managed to align my professional and personal self as 1. I don’t wear a mask and I DEFINITELY don’t care what people think of me because I have stopped asking people what they think of me. I realised that when you stop asking people what they think of you, that’s when you truly don’t care anymore.

If you like me, great. If you don’t, is fine too. I don’t need everyone’s approval if the way I live my life is right or wrong. I’m a unique individual hence I dictate my own path in my life journey. I didn’t need to conform to society especially this stage of my life. I’m free to do what I want, say what I want and live the ways I want to as well!!

So the conclusion is I will never allow myself to be involved with a married man again simply because I don’t want to experience the same emotional roller coaster, the web of lies, the longing, the disappointment and finally the heartbrokenness. It isn’t worth it! I want someone whom I don’t need to share and worry about walking on egg shells around him. I want a man whom I can call at any hours and not worry that he won’t answers my calls. A man who will be by my side when I need him. A man who will not push me under the bus to be run over many times or stabbed me repeatedly without remorse just to protect himself and using me to save his marriage. If I had known the actual fact that he cooked up the web of lies then I deserved what had happened to me. But I didn’t. I was an innocent bystander who happened to fall in loved with a married man who told me numerous times via writing, calls and even in person that his wife was cheating on him and if it wasn’t for his young son he would had left her. He was very emotional when he told me that in person.

How could I know that was a big fat lie and he was a good actor??? Hahaha…..naive me. I was a fool because I wanted to believe him. I was hoping we could be together forever. Silly dream!!

Well, if his wife thought that he only started cheating on her in 2014, then she is even a bigger fool than me. I had a place in his mind and heart for 10 years starting from the day we met when he was still single until April 2016. Whether she truly cheated on him or not, I don’t know and don’t care. It was my past. Peter Wittendorp is my past. Yes, I had wanted and hoped to meet up with him again or even hear from him to clear the air so that all my questions will be answered, but not anymore. Why? Because I don’t think he will answers my questions truthfully and honestly even though if he does reaches out, which he won’t. I’m 1000% sure.

I won’t unwind what had happened between us because without the experienced and the lesson, I wouldn’t have learned so much more about myself. And I wouldn’t become who I’m today. He was a lesson I needed to learn so that I can become a better version of myself. I don’t hate him. At least not anymore.

Is time for me to really move on from my past. I don’t feel sad or upset writing this post so is a good sign. I’m feeling calm and peaceful. I’m not excusing my actions and behaviours, but merely stating the facts and openly admitting my past and mistakes I had made. Do I think he is a bad guy? Honestly no. Just that he blundered in his handling of his affair with me and he didn’t end it gentlemanly. His apology was half heartedly only. Anyway, it was history and I shouldn’t bring it up again. I have a tendency to get carried away and typed my thoughts out in the open. My bad! Haha

Oh well, when I watched the tv drama I saw myself in her shoes. Haha. Ciao everyone….


p.s. Admitting my weaknesses, mistakes and flaws are getting easier and become a part of my life when I don’t feel ashamed of who I have become and the type of person I want to become. I want to live a life free from lies. I’m trying even not to tell any white lies unless it is necessary which isn’t frequent, so thank god! Judge me if you want and see if I care 😆😆😆. It feels really good to be able to be this honest and open about my life, be it past or present. I don’t want to live my life hiding behind lies. And I will admit and confess for my actions and behaviours. If I didn’t do, don’t accused me because I will retaliate and fight back by doing exactly what I have been accused of doing. Just to spite him and made him pissed off.


My Current State of Mind & Feeling

I was swarmed with work and re-building my life after the crushing heartbreak. Finally, I’m happy to share that I’m doing well in both departments 😁😁! Business opportunities are growing at a steady pace although all the big deals I’m working on currently are still work in progress, but at least I have a chance to close those deals. In fact, I have a pretty good and positive feeling that I might be able to pull off a few big deals in the next 6 months. I’m feeling euphoric that my hard work is slowly paying off. I have created a blue ocean for myself and company. Nothing beats the intense feeling of satisfaction that I get every time I looked back at how far I had come. It isn’t pay day yet, but the signs are very positive that I will hit jackpot in the next 6 months to 1 year. I just need to stay focus, motivated and continue to think creatively to develop more new clients and learn new things.

Not only I can feel the changes in me, I can see it clearly as well. Are they good changes or bad? Hmmmm……I guess it depends on each individual acceptance level. Personally, I think those changes were good for me as it were part of my growing up process. But to some people who have known me previously before the changes took place, they might not like the new me.

In the past, I always checked up on my friends and made sure they were well and fine. But now, I don’t do much of it. Mainly is because I don’t want to absorb any unnecessary negative energy. I usually shy away when I sense any negative vibes heading towards me. Last time, I absorbed a lot and even did my best to cheer my friends up by sharing my positive energy/vibes with them, which not only drained me but also made me worried about them. I realised now that I don’t want to be their sounding board anymore   as we are all adults hence we should deal with the drama in our life ourselves. I was always very giving until I my caring and giving nature were fully taken advantage of by underserving people, such as Peter Wittendorp and my crazy mum. Both of them used and took advantage of my compassionate nature repetitively and stabbed my in my heart. Seriously, they were a few parallels from both of them on how they used and treated me. Thank god I cut both of them out of my life for good. They couldn’t hurt me anymore!

I’m not sure I will be able to fully forgive them for what they did, said and treated me. I don’t break down and cry anymore as I had accepted the facts, but occasionally I felt a tinge of sadness when I recounted the stories to friends. Once a blue moon thing though. Recently I was shown a pic of my crazy mum and I didn’t even want to look at her face. And I’m definitely not interested to know about her current life!! I don’t want dramas and disturbance to be heaped on me again!

I had also looked at the pictures of  Peter Wittendorp just recently and what I saw was a stranger. The face that I used to love, the laughter that made me giddy and happy, the man that I thought was a good man and Mr Right for me was dead on April 18, 2016 when he did the unspeakable to me! I didn’t know then, but it was the night that he robbed my happiness, compassion and ability to trust people from me. It took me 1 year to recover, but I will never be able to trust people like I used to anymore. I used to take people words as trustworthy, but not anymore. Words need to be backed up by consistent  actions before I will accord my trust to them.

So now the man in the picture is a pathological liar, a hypocrite, a fakey and an asshole. I feel like a fool for falling for Peter Wittendorp, sucking in all his words and putting up with his shitty treatments and the emotional turmoil he put me through! Seriously, it was really ironic for a pathological liar (2 years) like him to throw accusation at me! What a fucking joke! To be honest, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop cursing him for what he did to me. I don’t know why, but every time when I wrote his name I feel the urge to cuss him and I will become 😤😤! I think I better stop or else I will make myself upset over an asshole!!

Anyway, overall I’m in a good place emotionally, mentally and physically. The upset feeling I had passed by quickly so it doesn’t affect me. Now my full attention are given to my business and getting my financial back in order so that my lifestyle will not be greatly affected by a temporary setback. That sums up my current state of mind and feeling.

Till the next post peeps!




Being accused by Peter Wittendorp via SMSes

I rest my case how he heartlessly hurts me with his ridiculous accusation. Anyway, is the past now. I don’t feel sad or hurt reading back these old SMSes so I guess I have fully recovered. Also I no longer feel the need to protect his image especially when his chapter in my life is closed permanently. SMSes don’t lie. That’s his number. Not sure if he stills use it or not, but definitely the number that belongs to him.

SMSes during the loving times with Peter Wittendorp (random sequence)

Some SMSes from 2 years ago when we were still great and loved each other. 31st March 2015 was our meet up in HK. We flew in separately, he from SG and me from KL and we met up in the airport as our arrival time was about 20mins apart from each other.

We stayed in Pottinger Hotel in Central. I’m not going to write a long post (maybe I will separately in another post). Instead I will let the SMSes tell our story, from the good and loving times to the fallout and accusation. If I didn’t listen to him and delete most of the SMSes, Whatsapp and emails, there would be more to post. If not there would be thousands of it.

Finally I feel great for being able to come out and share the truth and back up what I had wrote about him in the pasts. This is how I closed the chapter of him in my life. I know is not how people would close the chapter, but everyone is different.