The Man

Vion, 1 of my BFF was in KL and I spent a whole day with her yesterday as I had time. She was in town to discuss some business opportunities with a handful of local Developers and I shared with her some market intelligence. Of course, we talked about life and etc as well. It came to the topic of relationship and she commented that there aren’t any suitable men for me in KL. I answered her that I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment as I want to focus on building my career. I explained to her that after my last experienced with the man, I have a better understanding of myself and I know clearly what I want for myself and how I want to live my life and finding a partner is not my priority now. I don’t want unnecessary drama that might come with a relationship again after what I went through 2 years ago.

She commented and asked did I really loved the man? And I answered her yes I did. It was a question that I had asked myself repeatedly in the past and wasn’t sure of the answer until end of last year. And when I answered her today, I answered with certainty that I did loved the man at that point in time when that man was in my life. She asked me was that man worth it for me to love? I answered her at that period yes he was. She asked what did I saw in the man? I answered her, love is blind and a feeling. She was still cursing the man for how he treated me and I told her it was the past and I didn’t want to talk about it further.

I didn’t feel sad/unhappy when talking about the man. I uttered his name to Vion without  feeling any hatred for him. To be honest, I never hated him even when I was at my darkest mood and moments. It was good that I had this short conversation about the man with Vion because I know with 100% certainty now that my heart has healed 100%. Being with the man was what I wanted at that time and I made the choice so I had to accept the consequences.

If I had known back then how the relationship would had ended, would I still choose to love the same man and subject myself to the painful heartbreak and experienced??  The answer is NO. I would choose to love the man from a distance rather be involved with the man. I don’t regret for loving and being involved with the man because the man was a lesson I needed so that I could learned more deeply about myself. So it was a lesson I had to experience.

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to reminiscence about the man or our past. I wrote this post because I wanted to capture down my feelings at this moment.

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Attachment

When you are not afraid of people walking out of your life, that’s when you free yourself from attachment. People come, people go. Life goes on. Never force someone to stay if they are not willing to do so. Love is great, but it is also a word that will trap us in a relationship that doesn’t nourish our soul, mind, emotion and physical anymore. And don’t hate the person who brings drama to your life because at one point you love him/her. Just learn and let he/she goes and wish them well. Same as friendship. Never hold on to a friendship if the person doesn’t allows you to be yourself. Give them the option to leave or to stay. Always give them the choice to choose. All of us have the choice to choose, so choose wisely!

I wrote the above 3 years ago when I had a fallout with a man and this morning I was reminded when it was shown on my FB – blast from the past!! Attachment happens when we are in a relationship or friendship, but we need to know how to limit our attachment to people because if we don’t we are setting ourselves up for disappointment when those people leave. We have to expect people to leave us one day, hence we need to be conscious of our own level of attachment to that person. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have people I cherish in my life, but I don’t get upset anymore if they leave me because I don’t form any attachment to them. I just enjoy them when they are in my life without attaching my whole being to them. Basically, I have learned how to like and love someone without making them my entire world. I used to be very attached to a man and I made him my entire world. At that time, the man was the person I wanted the most. But looking back now, I was very wronged in the ways I acted and behaved in that relationship with the man. I was emotionally dependable on this man to make me happy. I starved for the man attention and I began to form a very strong attachment to this man when we grew closer and chatted daily.

When this man ignored me for weeks or months, I felt so unhappy, angry and unmotivated to do anything. In the beginning when it happened, I was feeling and acting like a walking dead. But when he did it too frequently, I began to tell my mind to reduce my attachment to him because this man had a history of walking out of my life numerous time in a 10 year period I knew him. We form attachment easily with people we feel connected too and this is normal. But then we also need to learn to recognise when our attachment becomes too much for us to think clearly. When we put our happiness and existence in the hand of a person or people, our attachment level is extremely unhealthy. So we always have to be conscious of the level of attachment we have for people who are still in our life.

Attachment is a trap that will set you up for disappointment and heartbreak be it with friends or lovers. So don’t get attach to people too easily. Learn how to enjoy their presence in your life without attaching yourself to them. I have succeeded and I hope the same for you.

 

1st Boxing experienced

This afternoon I tried for the 1st time boxing and I like it. Not falling in love yet, but I think I will eventually. My private trainer (PT) was a petite young woman. She taught me basic punch styles – jab, cross, hook, uppercut.

Boxing isn’t just about throwing punches. I need to stabilise and engage my core in order to be able to throw a punch. Hands coordination is also very important. Each punch style has its own characteristics and if I don’t do it right I might hurt myself. It took me a few sets of punching to get the punching styles right. I never thought I would sweat so much especially when we were practicing in an air-conditioning studio. But I did and my heart rates beat very fast too as my punches became quicker.

My PT she is really young hence I want to try a male PT to compare to find out the differences between a female and a male PT. I’m actually thinking I want to be trained more hardcore, but I want to have a trial first to see if I can handle hardcore or not. Haha. My movements weren’t fluid, the same problem I’m facing in indoor rock climbing. I’m just too static. Not dynamic enough. I need to work on my moves and flexibility.

I’m picking sports that are building my upper body rather than my lower body. Haha. But having said that, in boxing I did have to work my lower body too. My PT combined some moves where I needed to move my entire body. Anyway, it was just my 1st session so learning the basics only. And is confirmed that my left hand is much weaker than my right hand. In fact, the left side of my body is weaker than the right.

I’m looking forward to my next PT session with a male PT. I requested for this Saturday and waiting for confirmation. I will share my experience after the session. I have a feeling this will be a sport that I will love too. Haha

What I need to let go as a Leo in 2018??

 

What each signs need to let go??

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

You’ve spent 2017 sifting through a lot of your own baggage, Leo, but it’s time to finally walk away from the things that weigh you down. 2018 is a new year, and for you, that means a new beginning full of growth, adventures, and eventual happiness. And to welcome in this new period of your life, you have to let go of the things that hurt you and open yourself up to new opportunities. They say that with each new year, there’s a new you, but in 2018, that’s actually going to be true for you.

 

The above accurately described what I went through in 2017 and what I’m experiencing in 2018 to a “T”. When I first I read it, I was utterly surprised by its accuracy and I knew I have to share the article on my blog. Indeed 2017 was a year of self-reflection for me whereby I spent a lot of time to learn how to forgive myself, dissecting my thoughts and emotions before I finally learned to let go. I learned how to walk away from my past and start a new chapter. My past and unhappy experienced no longer chained me down when I decided to forgive myself for my own stupidity for trusting unwaveringly. I’m no longer being weighed down by my stubbornness to let go of my hope for HIM to reach out to me. Finally, I can say with 200% certainty I have got rid of his ghost that was living inside my mind for 18 months since the “episode” with him! Not only I sifted through my baggage, I got rid of the junks too. Haha.

And 2018 is going to be a year full of growth, adventures and happiness and it is absolutely true because these are precisely what I’m experiencing now. Presently, I’m working on a very interesting project where the Developer supported my concept and I have been appointed exclusive for both consultancy, sales and marketing. I’m learning so much from this project as I have the opportunity to be involved in the decision making from A-Z and I’m loving it although sometimes the Developer’s frustrated me with his indecisiveness as we were going back to square 1 after I thought we were making great progress and on the tail end of wrapping things up. Frustrating and mentally exhausting dealing with the Developer, but yet rewarding because the learning curves from this exclusive project is just tremendous!! Really tremendous. Is definitely an adventure. I’m not going to worry too much, but rather just go with the flows.

Anyway, do share with me if the prediction for your horoscope is accurate as mine. Even if it isn’t accurate, do share if you want. Enjoy the reading of your horoscope 😁😁!!

 

Boxing & Indoor Rock Climbing

I have been thinking about taking up boxing/muay thai lessons for awhile and finally I made the decision to give it a try since there is a boutique gym near my home that offers boxing lessons in a cool looking and clean gym. I go to the same commercial area for my Pilate Reformer PT session every Saturday morning so I thought I might as well just take up another sport/exercise. The gym offers introductory package where I can get 2 PT sessions for RM150 only and each session is 1 hour. It will be a good way for me to try and see if I like and enjoy the sport/exercise or not. Most important I will know how I feel physically after the session.

As I get older, I want to have a deeper understanding of my body because without a healthy body I won’t be able to chase my dreams and goals. Hence I’m choosing sports/exercises that are challenging to me physically to see how much my body can take it. Aside from physical challenge, I also want to challenge myself mentally especially when I’m choosing sports/exercises that I haven’t do before such as indoor rock climbing and boxing. Take indoor rock climbing for instance, in the beginning my brain kept telling my body that I was too tired to finish the climbs and therefore I asked my coach to lower me down when I felt too tired to go on. Yes I was tired, but I gave up too easily. I just gave in because my brain told my body I was too tired to go on.

But for the last 2 months I managed to complete all my climbs without calling out to my coach frequently to lower me down when I was too tired to complete. What I did was I cheated a bit by climbing multi-colour jugs instead of the colours my coach told me too in order to complete. Haha. I wanted to complete each route/climb because I felt frustrated and irritated with myself when I couldn’t especially when some of the routes weren’t hard. Sometimes I struggled on the easy routes, but successfully completed the harder ones 😆😆. Although I have improved a lot, but some days my physique just weren’t in a good place especially my lower back as lately I’m experiencing very sourish, pinching and needles poking feeling on the left side of my lower back. It was so bad that I could feel it when I was standing. My lower back pain is not getting better and it is really affecting my sleep as I couldn’t sleep soundly. But when I was climbing, my pain subsided a lot hence I’m still climbing.

And now I’m going to try boxing. I feel and think this will be another sport/exercise that will challenge me both physically and mentally. Sometimes I wish I have started those sports earlier so that I will be in a better position both physically and mentally now, but is still not too late for me. I’m learning a lot from indoor rock climbing, but because I haven’t manage to identify and articulate clearly what I’m learning, I will share only when I can sort out what I have learned clearly. I’m still processing because the walls are still teaching me things about myself that I never notice, realise or know previously.

I’m sure boxing will also teaches me about myself – physically, mentally and emotionally. I shall share how I feel after I have attended the 1st introduction session 😆😆.

 

 

My happy and laughing self

It had been awhile since I last had fun chatting with someone. Finally my witty sense of humour is back in full force and I could feel my hearty and happy laughter are back too. No, I don’t have any romantic feeling with the man I’m chatting with. I just enjoyed his dry sense of humour, his interest in luxury watches and his ability to switch topics with ease. With some people, conversation just flows easily and with others conversation doesn’t. Is easy to talk to him and he made me laughed. Haha.

It had been awhile since I laughed gaily. There is no hidden agenda with him as we don’t want anything from each other except casual chatting about work, life and everything we fancy. We are working on a project together. He is the architect for the development I’m going to market and sell in the near future so we have to communicate a fair bit about work and that was how we started our chatting.

Finally after 2 years I’m able to really let go, move on and regain my old happy self that were always laughing. I’m definitely wiser, calmer and in control of my emotions now 😊😊😊🤪🤪! Just 30 mins ago I did a test by googling Him. Saw his pictures and also blog posts written by me about him and I didn’t feel anything except maybe a quick flashed back of a few snippets of old times. Other than that, the feeling was like I know him, but yet I don’t know him!! We were once so close that I felt we knew and understand each other deeply, but now we are back to strangers. At this very moment, I missed him, the laughter we shared, the silly jokes/banters that only we both understood, his teasing, his kisses and his loved. I believe now that he did loved me albeit a short loved. I missed having him in my life at this very moment I’m writing this. But at the same time I know the feeling is short-lived because I can’t forget how he badly he treated me too. As I’m writing my next word, the feeling of missing him passes by. It is this short-lived!!

But the most important thing for me is I’m able to laugh gaily again and acting silly 🤪🤪And I’m happy. I’m working hard to achieve my goals and I know I will. So I’m going to say Goodbye My Loved!!

 

 

Unwanted attention!!

Recently, I received unwatered and unsolicited attention from a client. My business partner & I found an office for his company and we were invited to his company and office grand opening. I went with my colleagues and that was the 1st time I met the founder/owner of the company. In the past we dealt with his staffs hence we met him for the 1st time during the event. He came over to introduce himself and I recognised his name because his staffs mentioned it before so I know he is the owner/founder of the company.

I introduced myself and chatted with him for a few minutes, mainly about his new office space, did he likes it and etc. My colleagues were all there with me too. He offered his name card and I did the same too as a business courtesy. He excused himself as more guests arrived and we parted way. I thought that would be the last I heard from him until I received a thank you message from him at night. Although I found it weird and surprised that he would send a thank you message to me, I thought he was just being polite and professional. I replied and thanked him for the business opportunity and innocently told him to catch up for coffee when he comes to KL the next time. Again, to me is basic manner and courtesy which I never thought he would follow through.

In the following days, I received videos and gifs from him almost on a daily basis. And I began to feel weird but then again I let it slide and I didn’t bother to reply to him at all. In fact, I didn’t even watch those videos he sent to me at all. Not interested and couldn’t be bothered. Then about 1.5 weeks ago, he WhatsApp me to let me know he was coming to KL the following week (which was last week) and would like to catch up. I felt uneasy, but because I was the one who implanted the idea to him 1st, I felt I had to at least honour my word for 1 time so I agreed to meet him on last Thursday. I thought it was going to be afternoon coffee, but no, he suggested 8ish drinking session. Red flags!

I didn’t want to drink with him so late at night because I didn’t think it was appropriate so I told him I had an early important meeting (which was true) the next day hence it would be an early night and maximum 2 glasses of wine for me only. He was reluctant to agree and I told him if that was the case then we should postpone the meeting until his next trip. He said no and agreed to my terms.

By this stage, my 6th sense was in full force and a little voice inside me was telling me that his agenda was personally related and not professionally. I seriously wanted to cancel the meet up session, but I always honour my words so I told myself just get it over with. And thank god it lasted less than 2 hours because he had a conference call with his team so he had to return to his room to work. Phew!!

But I was already in a self-defence mode because on the way to the club floor in MO, while we were walking to the lift he mentioned he needed to go back to his suite for awhile to make a phone call. Red flags sign everywhere. I was thinking to tell him off or played it cool to see what he was up to. I figured I should be able to defend myself should he made unwanted moves at me. I was thinking to myself that he wouldn’t make any unwanted moves toward me because after all he is the founder/owner of a public listed company in US. So I went to his room and stayed looking out the window as I didn’t want to look at him and gave him any wrong signals. To be honest, I felt slightly worried that I needed to defend myself against him. Thank god he was prim and proper.

He made the call, but he said no one picked it up so we left the room to go to the Club Floor. Had 1 drink and then he called it a night before 8pm. I was so happy and relieved that it was over so early because I really don’t want to spend time with him unless he doesn’t has a hidden personal agenda. Actually it wasn’t hidden. He outright told me he wants to get to know me better via WhatsApp.

I didn’t reply to him except to say goodbye and a courteous thank you. Seriously and honestly, I really don’t want any attention from him. He is married and I don’t want to have anything to do with married men!! And even if he isn’t married or taken, he is still not my cup of tea because he is shorter than me and an Indian. I don’t mind being a friend with him as he is worldly and I might be able to learn a few things from him and that are the maximum extend I’m willing to go. Shit, I hate it when a client hit on me because then I need to juggle and manage the attention carefully. I don’t want to make him feel embarrass because I never know what other future business he might has for me,  but yet I don’t want to give him any wrong idea that I’m interested in him because I DON’T. Is a delicate balancing act and I hate to be put in such a precarious position!!

People always think I like and enjoy attention. I did when I was younger, but not anymore. Now I only want attention from men I like only and also they must be single!! No more married men for me! Therefore, I hate attention from married men and yet I always got it. I don’t understand why???

Anyway, I will tell him nicely that I don’t mind us being friend and nothing more. I don’t want to keep finding excuses to avoid him. So if he makes or says anything that hint on personal relationship, I will tell him off nicely and suggest we just stay friend. If he agrees that will be good. If he doesn’t, then I will not entertain him further. I’m an adult and I know how to defence myself and handle it properly. Is just that I really hate this type of unwanted and unsolicited attention! Like it or not it is already happening so I just need to focus on how to handle him only. Oh well, at least is good to know I’m still able to attracts attention from successful businessmen. Haha. Just kidding.

That’s all for this post. Will update soon.