My Current State of Mind & Feeling

I was swarmed with work and re-building my life after the crushing heartbreak. Finally, I’m happy to share that I’m doing well in both departments 😁😁! Business opportunities are growing at a steady pace although all the big deals I’m working on currently are still work in progress, but at least I have a chance to close those deals. In fact, I have a pretty good and positive feeling that I might be able to pull off a few big deals in the next 6 months. I’m feeling euphoric that my hard work is slowly paying off. I have created a blue ocean for myself and company. Nothing beats the intense feeling of satisfaction that I get every time I looked back at how far I had come. It isn’t pay day yet, but the signs are very positive that I will hit jackpot in the next 6 months to 1 year. I just need to stay focus, motivated and continue to think creatively to develop more new clients and learn new things.

Not only I can feel the changes in me, I can see it clearly as well. Are they good changes or bad? Hmmmm……I guess it depends on each individual acceptance level. Personally, I think those changes were good for me as it were part of my growing up process. But to some people who have known me previously before the changes took place, they might not like the new me.

In the past, I always checked up on my friends and made sure they were well and fine. But now, I don’t do much of it. Mainly is because I don’t want to absorb any unnecessary negative energy. I usually shy away when I sense any negative vibes heading towards me. Last time, I absorbed a lot and even did my best to cheer my friends up by sharing my positive energy/vibes with them, which not only drained me but also made me worried about them. I realised now that I don’t want to be their sounding board anymore   as we are all adults hence we should deal with the drama in our life ourselves. I was always very giving until I my caring and giving nature were fully taken advantage of by underserving people, such as Peter Wittendorp and my crazy mum. Both of them used and took advantage of my compassionate nature repetitively and stabbed my in my heart. Seriously, they were a few parallels from both of them on how they used and treated me. Thank god I cut both of them out of my life for good. They couldn’t hurt me anymore!

I’m not sure I will be able to fully forgive them for what they did, said and treated me. I don’t break down and cry anymore as I had accepted the facts, but occasionally I felt a tinge of sadness when I recounted the stories to friends. Once a blue moon thing though. Recently I was shown a pic of my crazy mum and I didn’t even want to look at her face. And I’m definitely not interested to know about her current life!! I don’t want dramas and disturbance to be heaped on me again!

I had also looked at the pictures of  Peter Wittendorp just recently and what I saw was a stranger. The face that I used to love, the laughter that made me giddy and happy, the man that I thought was a good man and Mr Right for me was dead on April 18, 2016 when he did the unspeakable to me! I didn’t know then, but it was the night that he robbed my happiness, compassion and ability to trust people from me. It took me 1 year to recover, but I will never be able to trust people like I used to anymore. I used to take people words as trustworthy, but not anymore. Words need to be backed up by consistent  actions before I will accord my trust to them.

So now the man in the picture is a pathological liar, a hypocrite, a fakey and an asshole. I feel like a fool for falling for Peter Wittendorp, sucking in all his words and putting up with his shitty treatments and the emotional turmoil he put me through! Seriously, it was really ironic for a pathological liar (2 years) like him to throw accusation at me! What a fucking joke! To be honest, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop cursing him for what he did to me. I don’t know why, but every time when I wrote his name I feel the urge to cuss him and I will become 😤😤! I think I better stop or else I will make myself upset over an asshole!!

Anyway, overall I’m in a good place emotionally, mentally and physically. The upset feeling I had passed by quickly so it doesn’t affect me. Now my full attention are given to my business and getting my financial back in order so that my lifestyle will not be greatly affected by a temporary setback. That sums up my current state of mind and feeling.

Till the next post peeps!

 

 

 

Connection….

is very important in any type of relationship, especially in a love relationship. It is hard to feel love for another person if you don’t feel connected to that person mentally and emotionally. Physical attraction is just surface compare to mental and emotional connection. Without these 2, it is hard to form a meaningful relationship both professionally and personally.

I have been chatting regularly with Xavier, a captain for another middle east airline for the past 4 months (I never write anything about him before) and I met up with him for the 1st time about 2 weeks ago when he flew to KL due to work. We met up for drinks, followed by dinner and then we went to Arena for more drinks and beer pong. I wasn’t really surprised by his look as he sent me so many selfie of himself in the last 4 months so I was prepared for his look. Haha. Well, he isn’t bad looking. Average, tall with a tummy. He doesn’t has a memorable face, but it is a pleasant face though. We had been talking over the phone for awhile so it was easy for us to keep the conversation alive, at least for 4-5 hours on my part. We talked about his work and other more general topics. We never touched on his past personal relationship or anything related to the relationship topic. He didn’t ask me much questions about myself and it was the same for me too. In the past I would had asked a lot of questions especially if I like the guy. But in this instance with Xavier, I couldn’t bother to ask at all. If he disclosed voluntarily, good. If not, is fine too.

He drank like a fish and his breath smell of coffee as he is a heavy coffee drinker so I could smell it on his breath when he leaned in a bit closer to me. I actually told him I could smell coffee on his breath and informed him in a more polite and gentle manner that I’m very sensitive to smell and coffee smelling breath isn’t my favourite smell at all. Haha. He caught on my real meaning and said that I told him indirectly he had bad breath. Haha. I replied to him not bad breath, just breath that smell like coffee. To be honest it was a major turned off for me. I can’t stand breath that is laced with smell. I tried to keep a safe distance from him so that I wouldn’t be able to smell his breath when he talked to me.

Another reason I kept my distance was because I didn’t want him to lean in to kiss me. I just didn’t feel the sparks and attraction for him at all. My feeling for him is more like a friend rather than a man with the potential to start a relationship. I know he likes me a lot more than I like him, hence it was even more important for me to not led him on until I’m very clear that I would like to explore a relationship with him (still under observation). I just don’t feel the connection with him although we share a few same interests. I have been keeping an open mind and open heart to try to connect with him mentally and emotionally, but so far without much success. Connection can’t be forced that is for sure.

Is either you feel a connection or you don’t. That is why it was so hard for me to let go of the last guy as we had a strong and deep connection, at least before all the drama happened between us. I have to admit that I’m curious to know if my connection with the last guy is permanently gone or there is still a residue! A curiosity that will never be answered at all!

Anyway, coming back to Xavier, I will just give it a bit more time to see if there is a chance I can feel a connection to him. I’m not planning to rush into a relationship especially now my career is starting to take off with some very good potential big deals i the horizon, dating isn’t my priority. Closing big deals is my main and most important priority and goal at this present time!

I’m happy being single and enjoying my own time so I’m in no hurry to find a man to start a relationship. After the last bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp, I had enough of the pain, hurt and heartbreak to last me till my death. I’m much wiser now and more realistic in my relationship goals. So let’s see what’s in store for me with Xavier. Maybe nothing at all as I really need to feel the connection to him before I will consider dating him. Oh well…..time will tell. And now I need to sleep.

Goodnite world!

Escaping Peter Wittendorp’s Ghost

Almost 3 weeks since my last post and a lot had happened during this period. Crazy, exciting, promising, tiring and colourful. But nothing beats the fact and feeling that finally I free myself from the minuscule remote feeling and wish I used to have for Peter Wittendorp. The day when I openly and publicly shared all the SMSes between us, it was the day I was reborn. I should had done it earlier. For the first time I felt free because I didn’t have anymore skeletons in my closet. I felt darn good to be honest.

It was the final nail I needed to nail into the coffin and move on. This time was for real. I deleted all the SMSes from my phone after I posted everything up online. I’m the type of person that if I still keep something in my phone, be it a phone number or photos or SMSes or messages (family and friends only), then I still want or hope or wish the person to be in my life. But the moment I deleted everything in my phone that will reminds me of that person, it means the person existence is being permanently removed from my life.

Come to think of it, I have to admit it took me exactly 1 year to cleanly and clearly moved on and recovered from the heartbreak caused by Peter Wittendorp. He is truly a piece of work. He almost destroyed me emotionally and mentally, but luckily I managed to pull myself up from the black hole and dungeon he pushed me into. Anyway, the past is the past.

What doesn’t kills me makes me stronger. That’s all I have to say.

Photos of Peter Wittendorp

Finally I’m putting a face to his name after writing about our story for 1 year. Some people or maybe most people will think I’m revenging against him as I’m sharing with the whole world our messages exchanged and now his face! So am I? NO I’m not taking  revenge. If I want to revenge I would done it 1 year ago and not waited until now.

I’m doing this as a closure for myself. I have always write about all aspects of my life publicly and I had started writing about Peter Wittendorp as far back as 10 years ago when we first met. Back then it was a different blog address. I stopped for 2 years because he asked me not to share and write about us on my blog. At that time I listened to him because I didn’t want to upset him and respect our relationship. And I believed him when he said that our memories should be just for the 2 of us to cherish. I never thought he was scared of being found out that we had an affair. Yes we had an affair for 2 years even though we weren’t having sex regularly! We messaged daily and talked almost everyday too!

Anyway, long story short I have decided to do what I have always been doing for the past 10 years when I started blogging…..that is to write down my life story, both good and bad.   He taught me a valuable lesson that changed certain aspects of me hence I needed to record it down to remind me not to repeat the same mistake again with a man. A small part of me is forever scared by his accusation and lying. He played with my heart and feelings. He doesn’t deserves me protecting his image anymore. My trigger point was the accusation. I would admit if I had done it, but I didn’t. And to accuse me of that I just can’t accept it even until now. All I ever want from him was a sincere apology and I would had been able to have closure and move on quickly. Anyway…..I don’t want to start ranting about him again. I just want to move on and forget him using my own way. And I don’t care about what he thinks and feels with my actions.

p.s. I had more photos of him if I didn’t delete it after we had our big fights the past few times. He had a selfie of himself that he took in his office for me, his hunting trip in 2015 and a few more that I couldn’t remember anymore.

 

 

Twitter Account

I joined Twitter in 2009 but was never active at all, even now I’m not active. But my wordpress blog is linked to it so all my posts can be found on Twitter too. I’m considering if I should be active there too? Hmmmm……

p.s. I can only be found via searching for “HIS” name. So is not easy to find me.

Blog Being Monitor

I think someone is monitoring my blog. Why I said so? Because there was a sudden spike in viewership from SG (89) and US (83) yesterday afternoon right after I posted the SMSes about Peter Wittendorp and I. For a long time I didn’t get such a high number of viewership from SG and never before from US except for yesterday afternoon.

Anyway, doesn’t bother me who monitor my blog and read my posts. The moment I decided to post it, I already expected such a crazy spike in viewership would happened. So didn’t surprise my at all when it actually did except maybe for the fact that it happened so quickly.

I will continue to post whatever I want and like as long as I stick to facts and truth. Ok very sleepy now…..time to zzz!

Friend Zone with Chris

Yesterday afternoon I dropped Chris a message to tell him that I just want us to be friend and nothing more. I also told him I don’t enjoy flirting with him anymore hence this part is out of the picture. I gave him the choice to choose if he still wants to be friend with me or not. And I just heard back from him and he said yes.

He thought I didn’t want to flirt with him was because he couldn’t keep up the flirting/lovership. I told him nothing to do with him. It is me. What I want now is to focus on my business and myself. I’m not in the mood to play the lovership game especially when I don’t feel an attraction toward Chris anymore. I get more adrenalin rush chasing my dream and business goals.

Relationship and men are taking a very back seat at this moment. I need to focus all my energy, time, effort and attention to achieve another success story in the real estate industry. This is my final round returning to the corporate world and the real estate industry so I don’t want to be distracted by someone like Chris whom I’m only interested to have as a friend.

He said he is ok with he friend zone. I asked him does he thinks I care if he is ok with the friend zone or not??? Haha…..

Anyway, I know clearly what I want from a man now. If the man falls short, I will reevaluate and reconsider. I won’t and don’t put up with crap and I will not bite my tongue and hide my feelings. I will speak my mind and be direct. Chris said he prefers and likes my directness. Again, I don’t care he likes/prefers or not. This is who I’m.

Oh well…..glad that Chris is in the friend zone now.