Mood swing started wee morning today. Unable to sleep well as a fair bit of negatives thought were swimming inside my brain and I felt down. In fact I shed a few tears too but it didn’t last long. I couldn’t sleep so I did some spring cleaning on my friends list. I deleted people who no longer I keep in touch, removed myself from inactive group chats and deleted old chat messages between myself and friends who has shown me their selfish side especially Naomi and Nora. I’m totally and utterly disappointed with them. I almost wanted to delete them from my phone book, but I held back. I deleted my chat history with Nora and removed myself from the group chat with Naomi & Gloria. I promised myself I will never allow myself to be taken advantage again.
I seriously feel like distancing myself from them and people who are fake. Lately, I’m becoming a loner. I haven’t left my house for a few days already and I’m actually feeling fine with it. Or maybe I have started to build a wall within my heart to protect myself from being hurt again. I used to be generous and big hearted with people especially with my friends, but what I got back in return is their selfishness. I have been asking myself lately should I terminate my friendship with them as I don’t feel connected to them anymore. Somethings in me have changed since the bad experienced 2 years ago. I don’t look at friendship and relationship in the same ways anymore. I don’t want to be the one always giving and being taken for granted anymore.
Being big hearted, generous and giving only brought me heartaches, disappointment and negativity. I need to stop doing that to protect myself. To be honest, I lose faith in humanity. Day in and day out I witnessed with my own eyes and experienced first hand the ugliness, selfishness and fakeness of my friends and brother. The more I see and hear personally, the less I want to know and associated to them. I’m slowly becoming a loner and to be honest, it is kinda peaceful.
I’m beginning to question the important of friendship if I have friends who are selfish and only reach out when they need something from me. What value do they have to add to my life?? The more I try to search for the good things about them, the more I realised they had not done anything for me. I wasn’t a calculative person until now. I don’t keep scores of what I did for my friends and family until now. And it was because of my bad experienced with him. I’m changed because of what he did to me.
Honestly, I will never wish him well. I wished he will be cheated 1 day. Karma will catch up with him. I prayed for that day to happen to him fast. Yes, that were all the ugly thoughts that went thru my mind when I had a terrible mood swing. He robbed too much from me and I wanted him to pay one way or the other. Luckily, it was just thoughts and it passed by quickly.
Anyway, I never allow myself to go on a down spiral into darkness. I managed to control my thoughts and injects positive thinking and energy into my brain so that I can bounce back fast. If I can’t stop thinking negative thoughts, what I will do is distract myself by playing games on my iPad until the negative thoughts passed. Most of the time it works because I stop myself from thinking and focus on just playing games and nothing else.
Oh well, I feel better already. Is time to go to bed so that I can have a good sleep and feels good tomorrow.