The Man

Vion, 1 of my BFF was in KL and I spent a whole day with her yesterday as I had time. She was in town to discuss some business opportunities with a handful of local Developers and I shared with her some market intelligence. Of course, we talked about life and etc as well. It came to the topic of relationship and she commented that there aren’t any suitable men for me in KL. I answered her that I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment as I want to focus on building my career. I explained to her that after my last experienced with the man, I have a better understanding of myself and I know clearly what I want for myself and how I want to live my life and finding a partner is not my priority now. I don’t want unnecessary drama that might come with a relationship again after what I went through 2 years ago.

She commented and asked did I really loved the man? And I answered her yes I did. It was a question that I had asked myself repeatedly in the past and wasn’t sure of the answer until end of last year. And when I answered her today, I answered with certainty that I did loved the man at that point in time when that man was in my life. She asked me was that man worth it for me to love? I answered her at that period yes he was. She asked what did I saw in the man? I answered her, love is blind and a feeling. She was still cursing the man for how he treated me and I told her it was the past and I didn’t want to talk about it further.

I didn’t feel sad/unhappy when talking about the man. I uttered his name to Vion without  feeling any hatred for him. To be honest, I never hated him even when I was at my darkest mood and moments. It was good that I had this short conversation about the man with Vion because I know with 100% certainty now that my heart has healed 100%. Being with the man was what I wanted at that time and I made the choice so I had to accept the consequences.

If I had known back then how the relationship would had ended, would I still choose to love the same man and subject myself to the painful heartbreak and experienced??  The answer is NO. I would choose to love the man from a distance rather be involved with the man. I don’t regret for loving and being involved with the man because the man was a lesson I needed so that I could learned more deeply about myself. So it was a lesson I had to experience.

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to reminiscence about the man or our past. I wrote this post because I wanted to capture down my feelings at this moment.

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My happy and laughing self

It had been awhile since I last had fun chatting with someone. Finally my witty sense of humour is back in full force and I could feel my hearty and happy laughter are back too. No, I don’t have any romantic feeling with the man I’m chatting with. I just enjoyed his dry sense of humour, his interest in luxury watches and his ability to switch topics with ease. With some people, conversation just flows easily and with others conversation doesn’t. Is easy to talk to him and he made me laughed. Haha.

It had been awhile since I laughed gaily. There is no hidden agenda with him as we don’t want anything from each other except casual chatting about work, life and everything we fancy. We are working on a project together. He is the architect for the development I’m going to market and sell in the near future so we have to communicate a fair bit about work and that was how we started our chatting.

Finally after 2 years I’m able to really let go, move on and regain my old happy self that were always laughing. I’m definitely wiser, calmer and in control of my emotions now 😊😊😊🤪🤪! Just 30 mins ago I did a test by googling Him. Saw his pictures and also blog posts written by me about him and I didn’t feel anything except maybe a quick flashed back of a few snippets of old times. Other than that, the feeling was like I know him, but yet I don’t know him!! We were once so close that I felt we knew and understand each other deeply, but now we are back to strangers. At this very moment, I missed him, the laughter we shared, the silly jokes/banters that only we both understood, his teasing, his kisses and his loved. I believe now that he did loved me albeit a short loved. I missed having him in my life at this very moment I’m writing this. But at the same time I know the feeling is short-lived because I can’t forget how he badly he treated me too. As I’m writing my next word, the feeling of missing him passes by. It is this short-lived!!

But the most important thing for me is I’m able to laugh gaily again and acting silly 🤪🤪And I’m happy. I’m working hard to achieve my goals and I know I will. So I’m going to say Goodbye My Loved!!

 

 

Unwanted attention!!

Recently, I received unwatered and unsolicited attention from a client. My business partner & I found an office for his company and we were invited to his company and office grand opening. I went with my colleagues and that was the 1st time I met the founder/owner of the company. In the past we dealt with his staffs hence we met him for the 1st time during the event. He came over to introduce himself and I recognised his name because his staffs mentioned it before so I know he is the owner/founder of the company.

I introduced myself and chatted with him for a few minutes, mainly about his new office space, did he likes it and etc. My colleagues were all there with me too. He offered his name card and I did the same too as a business courtesy. He excused himself as more guests arrived and we parted way. I thought that would be the last I heard from him until I received a thank you message from him at night. Although I found it weird and surprised that he would send a thank you message to me, I thought he was just being polite and professional. I replied and thanked him for the business opportunity and innocently told him to catch up for coffee when he comes to KL the next time. Again, to me is basic manner and courtesy which I never thought he would follow through.

In the following days, I received videos and gifs from him almost on a daily basis. And I began to feel weird but then again I let it slide and I didn’t bother to reply to him at all. In fact, I didn’t even watch those videos he sent to me at all. Not interested and couldn’t be bothered. Then about 1.5 weeks ago, he WhatsApp me to let me know he was coming to KL the following week (which was last week) and would like to catch up. I felt uneasy, but because I was the one who implanted the idea to him 1st, I felt I had to at least honour my word for 1 time so I agreed to meet him on last Thursday. I thought it was going to be afternoon coffee, but no, he suggested 8ish drinking session. Red flags!

I didn’t want to drink with him so late at night because I didn’t think it was appropriate so I told him I had an early important meeting (which was true) the next day hence it would be an early night and maximum 2 glasses of wine for me only. He was reluctant to agree and I told him if that was the case then we should postpone the meeting until his next trip. He said no and agreed to my terms.

By this stage, my 6th sense was in full force and a little voice inside me was telling me that his agenda was personally related and not professionally. I seriously wanted to cancel the meet up session, but I always honour my words so I told myself just get it over with. And thank god it lasted less than 2 hours because he had a conference call with his team so he had to return to his room to work. Phew!!

But I was already in a self-defence mode because on the way to the club floor in MO, while we were walking to the lift he mentioned he needed to go back to his suite for awhile to make a phone call. Red flags sign everywhere. I was thinking to tell him off or played it cool to see what he was up to. I figured I should be able to defend myself should he made unwanted moves at me. I was thinking to myself that he wouldn’t make any unwanted moves toward me because after all he is the founder/owner of a public listed company in US. So I went to his room and stayed looking out the window as I didn’t want to look at him and gave him any wrong signals. To be honest, I felt slightly worried that I needed to defend myself against him. Thank god he was prim and proper.

He made the call, but he said no one picked it up so we left the room to go to the Club Floor. Had 1 drink and then he called it a night before 8pm. I was so happy and relieved that it was over so early because I really don’t want to spend time with him unless he doesn’t has a hidden personal agenda. Actually it wasn’t hidden. He outright told me he wants to get to know me better via WhatsApp.

I didn’t reply to him except to say goodbye and a courteous thank you. Seriously and honestly, I really don’t want any attention from him. He is married and I don’t want to have anything to do with married men!! And even if he isn’t married or taken, he is still not my cup of tea because he is shorter than me and an Indian. I don’t mind being a friend with him as he is worldly and I might be able to learn a few things from him and that are the maximum extend I’m willing to go. Shit, I hate it when a client hit on me because then I need to juggle and manage the attention carefully. I don’t want to make him feel embarrass because I never know what other future business he might has for me,  but yet I don’t want to give him any wrong idea that I’m interested in him because I DON’T. Is a delicate balancing act and I hate to be put in such a precarious position!!

People always think I like and enjoy attention. I did when I was younger, but not anymore. Now I only want attention from men I like only and also they must be single!! No more married men for me! Therefore, I hate attention from married men and yet I always got it. I don’t understand why???

Anyway, I will tell him nicely that I don’t mind us being friend and nothing more. I don’t want to keep finding excuses to avoid him. So if he makes or says anything that hint on personal relationship, I will tell him off nicely and suggest we just stay friend. If he agrees that will be good. If he doesn’t, then I will not entertain him further. I’m an adult and I know how to defence myself and handle it properly. Is just that I really hate this type of unwanted and unsolicited attention! Like it or not it is already happening so I just need to focus on how to handle him only. Oh well, at least is good to know I’m still able to attracts attention from successful businessmen. Haha. Just kidding.

That’s all for this post. Will update soon.

 

My feelings during the affair with Peter Wittendorp

This is the 1st time I’m going to confess how he made me felt during the time he was in my life. I never thought of writing this post until a couple of days ago when I watched a HK TVB chinese drama and 1 of the storyline is about a rich man daughter having an affair with the CEO of the company who is married with a young daughter. The rich man daughter was pursuing the married man and she said to him that she won’t asks for a lot from him except for a little bit of his time.

It reminded me of the same statement I made to Peter Wittendorp. I told him all I wanted from him was just some of his time. I told him I didn’t need him to be with me all the time, but he had to find time to fly to KL to see me or we would meet in HK where he travels to frequently because he has an office in Central, HK. But the truth was, I was lying to him and myself. I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t tell him as I was worried if I did he would walked away. I longed for him day and night.

In the drama, the woman was waiting by her phone for the married man to reply her WhatsApp messages. She couldn’t sleep when he didn’t. Her mood was affected badly. She was happy when he replied her even if it was just a simple OK or an emoticon! It was the same for me. I could relate to the storyline and emotions through the woman acting because I wen through the same shit she was acting it out over the TV. When I watched those few episodes, a sense of deja vu crossed my mind, but I didn’t feel sad.

Watching it being played out actually made me realised even more how stupid I was to fool myself into thinking and believing I was ok with the bread crumbs that Peter Wittendorp was giving me. It wasn’t ok. I wanted more, but I was too scared to ask because he told me if I kept pushing for more I would pushed him away and out of my life. I didn’t want him out of my life hence I put up with the bread crumbs and I was very unhappy about it. But I put up with it not once, not twice but countless times. I had no one to blame, but myself. I didn’t want to lose him and because of that I forgave him many times when he broke his promises to me.

Also because of him I stop using the word “Promise”. The word doesn’t means shit to me anymore. He abused the word so often until I became sick of it and fought with him constantly because he broke his promises. Again, another major red flag that I had chosen to ignore. In the tv drama, the woman was very upset and disappointed when the married man cancelled their date. I had no problem relating to it.

I even pretended I was ok with it when I wasn’t. She did the same too in the tv drama. I never honestly told Peter Wittendorp how I felt because he always told me not to load too many of my emotions onto him. He even told me off in the early stages of our affair. He always told me that I was being too emotional. And because of the fear of losing him, I held back my true feelings. I always told myself it was just a game with him hence I shouldn’t take it too personal. But the truth was, it wasn’t a game. I was in loved with him for a long time and I didn’t want to admit it because I know I couldn’t had him. I lied to myself, my friends and even Peter Wittendorp until he confessed he loved me. That was when I admitted I loved him too.

Watching the tv drama and that particular storyline about the married man having an affair with the rich man daughter, I could see clearly that what I had with Peter Wittendorp was a toxic relationship/friendship. He did everything to make me fell for him, but he never planned to be in my life for long as he promised. I was too fearful of losing him and because of that I put up with his shitty treatments toward me. The bread crumbs he threw at me. If I had walked away earlier as I said I would many times, my heart wouldn’t be broken and I wouldn’t had to subject myself to baseless accusation. My name wouldn’t be linked to him and his cheating wife (according to Peter Wittendorp and in his own words).

The big fat lie he cooked up started even before he decided to walk back into my life again. He lied to me intentionally and continued to lie even when he had plenty of opportunities to come clean with me. I don’t think he lied to protect me, but rather to give himself a plausible reason to cheat on the wife with me. People think he only appeared in my life in 2014. NO! He was already in and out of my life since 2006 when he was still working for AIG.

He had never stopped liking me and he had never forgotten me. He was already cheating behind her back for a span of 10 years with me, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact until now. The initial 8 years were emotional cheating as we didn’t become intimate physically. But it didn’t mean we weren’t tempted to do. There were a few times we almost crossed the line. A few times time I pulled back as I wasn’t ready. Only 1 time he pulled back after we both got naked. At that time, I didn’t know his marital status as never talked about his personal life and I never asked. To be honest, I never pry unless it was necessary or if he volunteered the information.

I was always on his mind until April 2016 when I was accused by him for something someone did, but I was dragged into it too. All the time it was him who initiated the contact after a period of silent and he would waltzed back into my life like nothing had happened and picked up where we left off and always always up the ante. I’m not excusing my behaviour and actions. I’m just stating the facts and chain of events.

To be fair, although he gave me heartache, sorrow and a scar, he also did gave me happiness and some good memories too. The bad experienced he gave me made me understands myself better and reclaimed my self-worth and self-respect. I won’t put up with anyone who makes me feel bad or give me negative vibes or doesn’t value and appreciate me. I will not hide my feelings and emotions just to keep someone in my life. I become more open and vocal about my feelings, thoughts, emotions and views. I truly live my life as openly as possible and I have managed to align my professional and personal self as 1. I don’t wear a mask and I DEFINITELY don’t care what people think of me because I have stopped asking people what they think of me. I realised that when you stop asking people what they think of you, that’s when you truly don’t care anymore.

If you like me, great. If you don’t, is fine too. I don’t need everyone’s approval if the way I live my life is right or wrong. I’m a unique individual hence I dictate my own path in my life journey. I didn’t need to conform to society especially this stage of my life. I’m free to do what I want, say what I want and live the ways I want to as well!!

So the conclusion is I will never allow myself to be involved with a married man again simply because I don’t want to experience the same emotional roller coaster, the web of lies, the longing, the disappointment and finally the heartbrokenness. It isn’t worth it! I want someone whom I don’t need to share and worry about walking on egg shells around him. I want a man whom I can call at any hours and not worry that he won’t answers my calls. A man who will be by my side when I need him. A man who will not push me under the bus to be run over many times or stabbed me repeatedly without remorse just to protect himself and using me to save his marriage. If I had known the actual fact that he cooked up the web of lies then I deserved what had happened to me. But I didn’t. I was an innocent bystander who happened to fall in loved with a married man who told me numerous times via writing, calls and even in person that his wife was cheating on him and if it wasn’t for his young son he would had left her. He was very emotional when he told me that in person.

How could I know that was a big fat lie and he was a good actor??? Hahaha…..naive me. I was a fool because I wanted to believe him. I was hoping we could be together forever. Silly dream!!

Well, if his wife thought that he only started cheating on her in 2014, then she is even a bigger fool than me. I had a place in his mind and heart for 10 years starting from the day we met when he was still single until April 2016. Whether she truly cheated on him or not, I don’t know and don’t care. It was my past. Peter Wittendorp is my past. Yes, I had wanted and hoped to meet up with him again or even hear from him to clear the air so that all my questions will be answered, but not anymore. Why? Because I don’t think he will answers my questions truthfully and honestly even though if he does reaches out, which he won’t. I’m 1000% sure.

I won’t unwind what had happened between us because without the experienced and the lesson, I wouldn’t have learned so much more about myself. And I wouldn’t become who I’m today. He was a lesson I needed to learn so that I can become a better version of myself. I don’t hate him. At least not anymore.

Is time for me to really move on from my past. I don’t feel sad or upset writing this post so is a good sign. I’m feeling calm and peaceful. I’m not excusing my actions and behaviours, but merely stating the facts and openly admitting my past and mistakes I had made. Do I think he is a bad guy? Honestly no. Just that he blundered in his handling of his affair with me and he didn’t end it gentlemanly. His apology was half heartedly only. Anyway, it was history and I shouldn’t bring it up again. I have a tendency to get carried away and typed my thoughts out in the open. My bad! Haha

Oh well, when I watched the tv drama I saw myself in her shoes. Haha. Ciao everyone….

 

p.s. Admitting my weaknesses, mistakes and flaws are getting easier and become a part of my life when I don’t feel ashamed of who I have become and the type of person I want to become. I want to live a life free from lies. I’m trying even not to tell any white lies unless it is necessary which isn’t frequent, so thank god! Judge me if you want and see if I care 😆😆😆. It feels really good to be able to be this honest and open about my life, be it past or present. I don’t want to live my life hiding behind lies. And I will admit and confess for my actions and behaviours. If I didn’t do, don’t accused me because I will retaliate and fight back by doing exactly what I have been accused of doing. Just to spite him and made him pissed off.

X’mas Eve – past and present

Last year I had dinner with my brother and friends. This year will be the same too. The only thing that is different is we will go to his bar after dinner and my gf Gin will join me to celebrate X’mas this year as she happens to be in KL until 27th Dec. She is ditching her husband and daughters to party with me. I still remember I wasn’t feeling well last X’mas eve’s dinner as I was still in a pensive mood.

Actually, since he walked back into my life in 2014, I didn’t have a great X’mas and New Year celebrations because I was longing for him. I was missing him like crazy and was hoping and wishing he would spent these holiday seasons with me. Of course, it never happened and wouldn’t happen in a zillion years. Hence it made me very sad. I still remember in 2014, I went to HK to celebrate with my brother and my good friend in HK. But I wasn’t happy. I was miserable during the whole trip because he promised to visit me 1 week before X’mas and he bailed out using the excuse that he was recovering from a major operation to remove a skin cancer from his head. He said he had booked the ticket and room, but had to cancel because he was in too much pain to travel to see me. I believed him at that time. I should had ask him to show me his ticket, but I didn’t because I trusted him although I had my doubt. I was miserable as I was waiting for him to reply my messages even when I was in HK. He took forever to reply. He claimed he was spending time with his youngest son whom he loves dearly. More than his 2 adult children.

I cried in the hotel room and was feeling empty. I walked around feeling like a zombie. I was just not in the mood to celebrate and I told him. He did actually asked me not to go to HK because I wasn’t feeling well too. But to stay at home alone would had made me felt worse. In fact, I was feeling very very lonely because I was longing for him to be with me. But I didn’t tell him as I didn’t want to pressure him and made him stayed away from me. He liked to use the cold treatment on me whenever he disagreed with me.

In 2015, my X’mas was slightly better than 2014, but not that great. We fought in November and didn’t speak to each other for over 2 months when he called me back. SO what did we fought about? The same shit why he liked to pull a hot and cold treatments on me? Why he liked to push me away and reeled me in again? Hence the argument and it was really hard on me not to reach out to him. But I told myself enough was enough as I didn’t want to keep reaching out. He told me he wrote a long email to explain why, but he decided not to send to me. He said maybe 1 day he would do so. But it never happened because when he contacted me again it was 2016 and a month later shits began to hit the fan and ran it course for 2 months.

If he had send out the long email maybe I would have the answers I were looking for and it wouldn’t took me so long to recover from my heartbrokenness. It took me almost 18 months to accept the fact that I would never know the truth and get the answers to my questions. Anyway….. (his favourite word too)

This year X’mas I’m feeling good. Really good. Although I’m sitting at home now and typing away instead of going out and drinking with my brother, I actually feel fine with it. I don’t feel like drinking tonight because I know tomorrow night I will drink a lot. I don’t want to be intoxicated 2 nights in a row. I don’t feel lonely or empty at all. I feel at peace being by myself. I’m actually happy 😊😊.

So I’m glad that this year X’mas I’m feeling ok and happy. I wish all my readers a Merry X’mas! Have a good celebration!! Cheers!

 

2021….

I have decided I will pursue my MBA in 2021. I have been planning and wanting to go back to school to study psychology for a few years already, but never set a timeline until last week. I feel that 2021 will be a good timing for me as I will be turning 46 years old by then and I should have built up a sizeable bank account for me to pursue my study without having to worry about money so it is a good timing. I want to study without the financial pressure. Now that I have set my timeline, I will work very hard in the next 3 years (2018 to 2020) to earn a lot of money. I know I can do it.

Aside from studying, I also want to be more involve in charity works. It is part of my plans to be more involved in  charity works, especially in the area of under privileged children. I honestly feel and think they are very innocent and need a chance to make it in this world. I really want to give back to society and help those less fortunate children. 2021 will be the start of the next chapter and milestone in my life journey.

And I do hope by then I have meet the love of my life. Haha. Yes, I still want to fall in love and be loved by a man who will loves all of me. I’m ready to fall in love again as I’m slowly learning how to trust men again. Is still works in progress, but I will get there. I actually don’t mind dating younger men if he shows maturity beyond his actual age. Sometimes, younger men are more sensitive and mature than older men. I admit if it was 8 years ago, I wouldn’t think of dating younger men as I would feel really weird. But now, I have changed my mind. There are some good younger men out there who are really mature, smart and successful. So if I’m lucky enough to meet one, I will definitely say YES. haha. At least sex will be more regular and last longer too 🤣🤣🤣🤣. And more variations. Hahahaha.

I’m definitely looking forward to the year of 2021 as it will be another turning point in my life journey.

 

Affair….

#peterwittendorp

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can’t call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn’t, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let’s identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn’t good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn’t bother to remember as it doesn’t concerns me.

Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don’t know and I don’t care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don’t get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won’t deny that I’m curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn’t. I’m curious, but I never ask any V and I don’t act weird around them when I see them together. I don’t pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn’t right, but 1 hand can’t clap. Just like 1 person can’t tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S’s dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn’t raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V’s parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X’mas. S’s wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don’t judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don’t know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.

Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I’m proud to say I’m not one of those people as my life is very open. I’m not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I’m wrong. I don’t hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I’ll admit and face the consequences. I’m not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn’t values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy’s friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn’t wants him to divorce her and doesn’t mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don’t. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don’t pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don’t condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge.