My feelings during the affair with Peter Wittendorp

This is the 1st time I’m going to confess how he made me felt during the time he was in my life. I never thought of writing this post until a couple of days ago when I watched a HK TVB chinese drama and 1 of the storyline is about a rich man daughter having an affair with the CEO of the company who is married with a young daughter. The rich man daughter was pursuing the married man and she said to him that she won’t asks for a lot from him except for a little bit of his time.

It reminded me of the same statement I made to Peter Wittendorp. I told him all I wanted from him was just some of his time. I told him I didn’t need him to be with me all the time, but he had to find time to fly to KL to see me or we would meet in HK where he travels to frequently because he has an office in Central, HK. But the truth was, I was lying to him and myself. I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t tell him as I was worried if I did he would walked away. I longed for him day and night.

In the drama, the woman was waiting by her phone for the married man to reply her WhatsApp messages. She couldn’t sleep when he didn’t. Her mood was affected badly. She was happy when he replied her even if it was just a simple OK or an emoticon! It was the same for me. I could relate to the storyline and emotions through the woman acting because I wen through the same shit she was acting it out over the TV. When I watched those few episodes, a sense of deja vu crossed my mind, but I didn’t feel sad.

Watching it being played out actually made me realised even more how stupid I was to fool myself into thinking and believing I was ok with the bread crumbs that Peter Wittendorp was giving me. It wasn’t ok. I wanted more, but I was too scared to ask because he told me if I kept pushing for more I would pushed him away and out of my life. I didn’t want him out of my life hence I put up with the bread crumbs and I was very unhappy about it. But I put up with it not once, not twice but countless times. I had no one to blame, but myself. I didn’t want to lose him and because of that I forgave him many times when he broke his promises to me.

Also because of him I stop using the word “Promise”. The word doesn’t means shit to me anymore. He abused the word so often until I became sick of it and fought with him constantly because he broke his promises. Again, another major red flag that I had chosen to ignore. In the tv drama, the woman was very upset and disappointed when the married man cancelled their date. I had no problem relating to it.

I even pretended I was ok with it when I wasn’t. She did the same too in the tv drama. I never honestly told Peter Wittendorp how I felt because he always told me not to load too many of my emotions onto him. He even told me off in the early stages of our affair. He always told me that I was being too emotional. And because of the fear of losing him, I held back my true feelings. I always told myself it was just a game with him hence I shouldn’t take it too personal. But the truth was, it wasn’t a game. I was in loved with him for a long time and I didn’t want to admit it because I know I couldn’t had him. I lied to myself, my friends and even Peter Wittendorp until he confessed he loved me. That was when I admitted I loved him too.

Watching the tv drama and that particular storyline about the married man having an affair with the rich man daughter, I could see clearly that what I had with Peter Wittendorp was a toxic relationship/friendship. He did everything to make me fell for him, but he never planned to be in my life for long as he promised. I was too fearful of losing him and because of that I put up with his shitty treatments toward me. The bread crumbs he threw at me. If I had walked away earlier as I said I would many times, my heart wouldn’t be broken and I wouldn’t had to subject myself to baseless accusation. My name wouldn’t be linked to him and his cheating wife (according to Peter Wittendorp and in his own words).

The big fat lie he cooked up started even before he decided to walk back into my life again. He lied to me intentionally and continued to lie even when he had plenty of opportunities to come clean with me. I don’t think he lied to protect me, but rather to give himself a plausible reason to cheat on the wife with me. People think he only appeared in my life in 2014. NO! He was already in and out of my life since 2006 when he was still working for AIG.

He had never stopped liking me and he had never forgotten me. He was already cheating behind her back for a span of 10 years with me, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact until now. The initial 8 years were emotional cheating as we didn’t become intimate physically. But it didn’t mean we weren’t tempted to do. There were a few times we almost crossed the line. A few times time I pulled back as I wasn’t ready. Only 1 time he pulled back after we both got naked. At that time, I didn’t know his marital status as never talked about his personal life and I never asked. To be honest, I never pry unless it was necessary or if he volunteered the information.

I was always on his mind until April 2016 when I was accused by him for something someone did, but I was dragged into it too. All the time it was him who initiated the contact after a period of silent and he would waltzed back into my life like nothing had happened and picked up where we left off and always always up the ante. I’m not excusing my behaviour and actions. I’m just stating the facts and chain of events.

To be fair, although he gave me heartache, sorrow and a scar, he also did gave me happiness and some good memories too. The bad experienced he gave me made me understands myself better and reclaimed my self-worth and self-respect. I won’t put up with anyone who makes me feel bad or give me negative vibes or doesn’t value and appreciate me. I will not hide my feelings and emotions just to keep someone in my life. I become more open and vocal about my feelings, thoughts, emotions and views. I truly live my life as openly as possible and I have managed to align my professional and personal self as 1. I don’t wear a mask and I DEFINITELY don’t care what people think of me because I have stopped asking people what they think of me. I realised that when you stop asking people what they think of you, that’s when you truly don’t care anymore.

If you like me, great. If you don’t, is fine too. I don’t need everyone’s approval if the way I live my life is right or wrong. I’m a unique individual hence I dictate my own path in my life journey. I didn’t need to conform to society especially this stage of my life. I’m free to do what I want, say what I want and live the ways I want to as well!!

So the conclusion is I will never allow myself to be involved with a married man again simply because I don’t want to experience the same emotional roller coaster, the web of lies, the longing, the disappointment and finally the heartbrokenness. It isn’t worth it! I want someone whom I don’t need to share and worry about walking on egg shells around him. I want a man whom I can call at any hours and not worry that he won’t answers my calls. A man who will be by my side when I need him. A man who will not push me under the bus to be run over many times or stabbed me repeatedly without remorse just to protect himself and using me to save his marriage. If I had known the actual fact that he cooked up the web of lies then I deserved what had happened to me. But I didn’t. I was an innocent bystander who happened to fall in loved with a married man who told me numerous times via writing, calls and even in person that his wife was cheating on him and if it wasn’t for his young son he would had left her. He was very emotional when he told me that in person.

How could I know that was a big fat lie and he was a good actor??? Hahaha…..naive me. I was a fool because I wanted to believe him. I was hoping we could be together forever. Silly dream!!

Well, if his wife thought that he only started cheating on her in 2014, then she is even a bigger fool than me. I had a place in his mind and heart for 10 years starting from the day we met when he was still single until April 2016. Whether she truly cheated on him or not, I don’t know and don’t care. It was my past. Peter Wittendorp is my past. Yes, I had wanted and hoped to meet up with him again or even hear from him to clear the air so that all my questions will be answered, but not anymore. Why? Because I don’t think he will answers my questions truthfully and honestly even though if he does reaches out, which he won’t. I’m 1000% sure.

I won’t unwind what had happened between us because without the experienced and the lesson, I wouldn’t have learned so much more about myself. And I wouldn’t become who I’m today. He was a lesson I needed to learn so that I can become a better version of myself. I don’t hate him. At least not anymore.

Is time for me to really move on from my past. I don’t feel sad or upset writing this post so is a good sign. I’m feeling calm and peaceful. I’m not excusing my actions and behaviours, but merely stating the facts and openly admitting my past and mistakes I had made. Do I think he is a bad guy? Honestly no. Just that he blundered in his handling of his affair with me and he didn’t end it gentlemanly. His apology was half heartedly only. Anyway, it was history and I shouldn’t bring it up again. I have a tendency to get carried away and typed my thoughts out in the open. My bad! Haha

Oh well, when I watched the tv drama I saw myself in her shoes. Haha. Ciao everyone….


p.s. Admitting my weaknesses, mistakes and flaws are getting easier and become a part of my life when I don’t feel ashamed of who I have become and the type of person I want to become. I want to live a life free from lies. I’m trying even not to tell any white lies unless it is necessary which isn’t frequent, so thank god! Judge me if you want and see if I care 😆😆😆. It feels really good to be able to be this honest and open about my life, be it past or present. I don’t want to live my life hiding behind lies. And I will admit and confess for my actions and behaviours. If I didn’t do, don’t accused me because I will retaliate and fight back by doing exactly what I have been accused of doing. Just to spite him and made him pissed off.


X’mas Eve – past and present

Last year I had dinner with my brother and friends. This year will be the same too. The only thing that is different is we will go to his bar after dinner and my gf Gin will join me to celebrate X’mas this year as she happens to be in KL until 27th Dec. She is ditching her husband and daughters to party with me. I still remember I wasn’t feeling well last X’mas eve’s dinner as I was still in a pensive mood.

Actually, since he walked back into my life in 2014, I didn’t have a great X’mas and New Year celebrations because I was longing for him. I was missing him like crazy and was hoping and wishing he would spent these holiday seasons with me. Of course, it never happened and wouldn’t happen in a zillion years. Hence it made me very sad. I still remember in 2014, I went to HK to celebrate with my brother and my good friend in HK. But I wasn’t happy. I was miserable during the whole trip because he promised to visit me 1 week before X’mas and he bailed out using the excuse that he was recovering from a major operation to remove a skin cancer from his head. He said he had booked the ticket and room, but had to cancel because he was in too much pain to travel to see me. I believed him at that time. I should had ask him to show me his ticket, but I didn’t because I trusted him although I had my doubt. I was miserable as I was waiting for him to reply my messages even when I was in HK. He took forever to reply. He claimed he was spending time with his youngest son whom he loves dearly. More than his 2 adult children.

I cried in the hotel room and was feeling empty. I walked around feeling like a zombie. I was just not in the mood to celebrate and I told him. He did actually asked me not to go to HK because I wasn’t feeling well too. But to stay at home alone would had made me felt worse. In fact, I was feeling very very lonely because I was longing for him to be with me. But I didn’t tell him as I didn’t want to pressure him and made him stayed away from me. He liked to use the cold treatment on me whenever he disagreed with me.

In 2015, my X’mas was slightly better than 2014, but not that great. We fought in November and didn’t speak to each other for over 2 months when he called me back. SO what did we fought about? The same shit why he liked to pull a hot and cold treatments on me? Why he liked to push me away and reeled me in again? Hence the argument and it was really hard on me not to reach out to him. But I told myself enough was enough as I didn’t want to keep reaching out. He told me he wrote a long email to explain why, but he decided not to send to me. He said maybe 1 day he would do so. But it never happened because when he contacted me again it was 2016 and a month later shits began to hit the fan and ran it course for 2 months.

If he had send out the long email maybe I would have the answers I were looking for and it wouldn’t took me so long to recover from my heartbrokenness. It took me almost 18 months to accept the fact that I would never know the truth and get the answers to my questions. Anyway….. (his favourite word too)

This year X’mas I’m feeling good. Really good. Although I’m sitting at home now and typing away instead of going out and drinking with my brother, I actually feel fine with it. I don’t feel like drinking tonight because I know tomorrow night I will drink a lot. I don’t want to be intoxicated 2 nights in a row. I don’t feel lonely or empty at all. I feel at peace being by myself. I’m actually happy 😊😊.

So I’m glad that this year X’mas I’m feeling ok and happy. I wish all my readers a Merry X’mas! Have a good celebration!! Cheers!



I have decided I will pursue my MBA in 2021. I have been planning and wanting to go back to school to study psychology for a few years already, but never set a timeline until last week. I feel that 2021 will be a good timing for me as I will be turning 46 years old by then and I should have built up a sizeable bank account for me to pursue my study without having to worry about money so it is a good timing. I want to study without the financial pressure. Now that I have set my timeline, I will work very hard in the next 3 years (2018 to 2020) to earn a lot of money. I know I can do it.

Aside from studying, I also want to be more involve in charity works. It is part of my plans to be more involved in  charity works, especially in the area of under privileged children. I honestly feel and think they are very innocent and need a chance to make it in this world. I really want to give back to society and help those less fortunate children. 2021 will be the start of the next chapter and milestone in my life journey.

And I do hope by then I have meet the love of my life. Haha. Yes, I still want to fall in love and be loved by a man who will loves all of me. I’m ready to fall in love again as I’m slowly learning how to trust men again. Is still works in progress, but I will get there. I actually don’t mind dating younger men if he shows maturity beyond his actual age. Sometimes, younger men are more sensitive and mature than older men. I admit if it was 8 years ago, I wouldn’t think of dating younger men as I would feel really weird. But now, I have changed my mind. There are some good younger men out there who are really mature, smart and successful. So if I’m lucky enough to meet one, I will definitely say YES. haha. At least sex will be more regular and last longer too 🤣🤣🤣🤣. And more variations. Hahahaha.

I’m definitely looking forward to the year of 2021 as it will be another turning point in my life journey.




Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can’t call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn’t, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let’s identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn’t good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn’t bother to remember as it doesn’t concerns me.

Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don’t know and I don’t care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don’t get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won’t deny that I’m curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn’t. I’m curious, but I never ask any V and I don’t act weird around them when I see them together. I don’t pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn’t right, but 1 hand can’t clap. Just like 1 person can’t tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S’s dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn’t raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V’s parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X’mas. S’s wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don’t judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don’t know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.

Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I’m proud to say I’m not one of those people as my life is very open. I’m not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I’m wrong. I don’t hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I’ll admit and face the consequences. I’m not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn’t values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy’s friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn’t wants him to divorce her and doesn’t mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don’t. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don’t pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don’t condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge.

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I’m super bored and even then I still don’t spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn’t see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don’t think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don’t add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was “You are a goat”. I replied “huh”. Then his next message was “Don’t contact me again”. The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don’t plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm……nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I’m very focus on my career now and won’t have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren’t many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn’t a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn’t click as the connection weren’t there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don’t live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don’t like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don’t add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don’t feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I’m super bored. Otherwise I couldn’t be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I’m definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn’t in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn’t a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn’t, keep trying. And for those who hasn’t try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn’t frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today’s society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.


I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.

Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.