Last day in Bali

This trip to Bali was a slow paced holiday. I only left the resort 2x and regretted doing so. Bali is getting very congested and traffic is horrendous. And the Chinese and Indian tourists are getting larger in number until I feel like I’m going to China.not something I enjoy at all so I might have to find a new beach resort for me to escape too. Beside I really hate the traffic jam! I managed to get some tan, but isn’t very tan because the sun was scorching hot. My body couldn’t take the intense heat. Not only that, freckles started to appear in my body too. And it took me longer to get a nice chocolate tan this time. Not sure why? Maybe because too long didn’t tan and the tanning oil I used was 8 instead of my usual 4. Because of all those reasons I didn’t get a chocolaty tan and I’m cool with it.

It was a good retreat for me especially when this afternoon I sent out 2 emails that had been weighing on my mind for the longest time. One was to Naomi to try to mend our broken friendship. I don’t know if she has read the email because I sent it to her yahoo account and not sure if she still check this email account. This is the only email account of hers I have so no choice. It was quite a long email so couldn’t whatsapp. I was debating if I should text her to ask her to check her email account, but then I decided to leave it to fate to see if she reads it. If we are still meant to be friend, we will. So I really don’t want to go out of my way to inform her.

The 2nd email was to ‘HIM’. Yes, finally I sent out the closure email. It was more for me than him. The email wasn’t to reconnect. It was purely a symbolic moved on my part to give myself the closure I very much needed to move on. I said a few things I needed to say and that were it.

I got rid of all the negativity that were troubling me and when I get home to KL tomorrow it will be a brand new start and this time is for real. So overall this is a good trip.


Weird dream

Yesterday I had a weird dream. Weird because of several reasons – 1) I dreamt about ‘Him’ and 2) the content of the dream and 3) his look in the dream.

It was a surprised to me that I dreamt of ‘Him’ as it rarely happened. If my memory didn’t fail me, this was the 2nd time, but it could be the 1st time too. Irregardless, I rarely dreamt of him. And last night the dream was super weird because in my dream he had a moustache and he was wearing a wig over his bald head. At first, I couldn’t recognised him at all until he told me it was him and I called his mobile number to confirm it was him.

I couldn’t remember the full details of my dream. Maybe 50% of it only. I remember we talked, but I couldn’t remember what we talked about except it was a cordial conversation we had and a long one too. I remember I asked him why did he reached out, but I couldn’t remember what was his answer. I usually don’t write down my dream, but this one was way too weird for me to ignore. And to add to the weirdness, someone from SG googled his name and was directed to my blog post. I find it weird because it had been a while since I saw his name appeared in the search terms in my blog (refer to picture). This wasn’t the 1st time, but the coincidence was just too hard to ignore especially when posts related to him hadn’t appeared for a few days already. Sometimes his name appeared very frequently under the search terms and sometimes not for a long period. I have to admit I’m really curious to know who were those people googling him specifically and why?


I read a few articles on “Dreaming about an Ex” and 1 of the reason mentioned why an ex appeared in the dream is because the dreamer is seeking a proper closure and I have to admit that I’m. I want a proper closure and clear the air on any misunderstandings and accusation between us. I don’t want any ill feeling between us. After all, we had liked each other for 10 years. The feeling was genuine, at least on my part. I did hurt him too with my actions and words hence I should apologise, but I will only do it if he does it too as he owes me an apology.

Anyway, I honestly need a proper closure and to clear my name or else I will always feel the injustice. Oh ya, after I took the snapshot of the above, there were a further searched of his name from Singapore. This time even weirder as it never happened before because under the search term you can see “Peter Wittendorp girlfriend”, which brought them to my blog again. First time I saw this search term and it made me very curious to know who and why, which of course I will never find out.


Oh well, a weird dream for sure.

My feelings during the affair with Peter Wittendorp

This is the 1st time I’m going to confess how he made me felt during the time he was in my life. I never thought of writing this post until a couple of days ago when I watched a HK TVB chinese drama and 1 of the storyline is about a rich man daughter having an affair with the CEO of the company who is married with a young daughter. The rich man daughter was pursuing the married man and she said to him that she won’t asks for a lot from him except for a little bit of his time.

It reminded me of the same statement I made to Peter Wittendorp. I told him all I wanted from him was just some of his time. I told him I didn’t need him to be with me all the time, but he had to find time to fly to KL to see me or we would meet in HK where he travels to frequently because he has an office in Central, HK. But the truth was, I was lying to him and myself. I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t tell him as I was worried if I did he would walked away. I longed for him day and night.

In the drama, the woman was waiting by her phone for the married man to reply her WhatsApp messages. She couldn’t sleep when he didn’t. Her mood was affected badly. She was happy when he replied her even if it was just a simple OK or an emoticon! It was the same for me. I could relate to the storyline and emotions through the woman acting because I wen through the same shit she was acting it out over the TV. When I watched those few episodes, a sense of deja vu crossed my mind, but I didn’t feel sad.

Watching it being played out actually made me realised even more how stupid I was to fool myself into thinking and believing I was ok with the bread crumbs that Peter Wittendorp was giving me. It wasn’t ok. I wanted more, but I was too scared to ask because he told me if I kept pushing for more I would pushed him away and out of my life. I didn’t want him out of my life hence I put up with the bread crumbs and I was very unhappy about it. But I put up with it not once, not twice but countless times. I had no one to blame, but myself. I didn’t want to lose him and because of that I forgave him many times when he broke his promises to me.

Also because of him I stop using the word “Promise”. The word doesn’t means shit to me anymore. He abused the word so often until I became sick of it and fought with him constantly because he broke his promises. Again, another major red flag that I had chosen to ignore. In the tv drama, the woman was very upset and disappointed when the married man cancelled their date. I had no problem relating to it.

I even pretended I was ok with it when I wasn’t. She did the same too in the tv drama. I never honestly told Peter Wittendorp how I felt because he always told me not to load too many of my emotions onto him. He even told me off in the early stages of our affair. He always told me that I was being too emotional. And because of the fear of losing him, I held back my true feelings. I always told myself it was just a game with him hence I shouldn’t take it too personal. But the truth was, it wasn’t a game. I was in loved with him for a long time and I didn’t want to admit it because I know I couldn’t had him. I lied to myself, my friends and even Peter Wittendorp until he confessed he loved me. That was when I admitted I loved him too.

Watching the tv drama and that particular storyline about the married man having an affair with the rich man daughter, I could see clearly that what I had with Peter Wittendorp was a toxic relationship/friendship. He did everything to make me fell for him, but he never planned to be in my life for long as he promised. I was too fearful of losing him and because of that I put up with his shitty treatments toward me. The bread crumbs he threw at me. If I had walked away earlier as I said I would many times, my heart wouldn’t be broken and I wouldn’t had to subject myself to baseless accusation. My name wouldn’t be linked to him and his cheating wife (according to Peter Wittendorp and in his own words).

The big fat lie he cooked up started even before he decided to walk back into my life again. He lied to me intentionally and continued to lie even when he had plenty of opportunities to come clean with me. I don’t think he lied to protect me, but rather to give himself a plausible reason to cheat on the wife with me. People think he only appeared in my life in 2014. NO! He was already in and out of my life since 2006 when he was still working for AIG.

He had never stopped liking me and he had never forgotten me. He was already cheating behind her back for a span of 10 years with me, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact until now. The initial 8 years were emotional cheating as we didn’t become intimate physically. But it didn’t mean we weren’t tempted to do. There were a few times we almost crossed the line. A few times time I pulled back as I wasn’t ready. Only 1 time he pulled back after we both got naked. At that time, I didn’t know his marital status as never talked about his personal life and I never asked. To be honest, I never pry unless it was necessary or if he volunteered the information.

I was always on his mind until April 2016 when I was accused by him for something someone did, but I was dragged into it too. All the time it was him who initiated the contact after a period of silent and he would waltzed back into my life like nothing had happened and picked up where we left off and always always up the ante. I’m not excusing my behaviour and actions. I’m just stating the facts and chain of events.

To be fair, although he gave me heartache, sorrow and a scar, he also did gave me happiness and some good memories too. The bad experienced he gave me made me understands myself better and reclaimed my self-worth and self-respect. I won’t put up with anyone who makes me feel bad or give me negative vibes or doesn’t value and appreciate me. I will not hide my feelings and emotions just to keep someone in my life. I become more open and vocal about my feelings, thoughts, emotions and views. I truly live my life as openly as possible and I have managed to align my professional and personal self as 1. I don’t wear a mask and I DEFINITELY don’t care what people think of me because I have stopped asking people what they think of me. I realised that when you stop asking people what they think of you, that’s when you truly don’t care anymore.

If you like me, great. If you don’t, is fine too. I don’t need everyone’s approval if the way I live my life is right or wrong. I’m a unique individual hence I dictate my own path in my life journey. I didn’t need to conform to society especially this stage of my life. I’m free to do what I want, say what I want and live the ways I want to as well!!

So the conclusion is I will never allow myself to be involved with a married man again simply because I don’t want to experience the same emotional roller coaster, the web of lies, the longing, the disappointment and finally the heartbrokenness. It isn’t worth it! I want someone whom I don’t need to share and worry about walking on egg shells around him. I want a man whom I can call at any hours and not worry that he won’t answers my calls. A man who will be by my side when I need him. A man who will not push me under the bus to be run over many times or stabbed me repeatedly without remorse just to protect himself and using me to save his marriage. If I had known the actual fact that he cooked up the web of lies then I deserved what had happened to me. But I didn’t. I was an innocent bystander who happened to fall in loved with a married man who told me numerous times via writing, calls and even in person that his wife was cheating on him and if it wasn’t for his young son he would had left her. He was very emotional when he told me that in person.

How could I know that was a big fat lie and he was a good actor??? Hahaha…..naive me. I was a fool because I wanted to believe him. I was hoping we could be together forever. Silly dream!!

Well, if his wife thought that he only started cheating on her in 2014, then she is even a bigger fool than me. I had a place in his mind and heart for 10 years starting from the day we met when he was still single until April 2016. Whether she truly cheated on him or not, I don’t know and don’t care. It was my past. Peter Wittendorp is my past. Yes, I had wanted and hoped to meet up with him again or even hear from him to clear the air so that all my questions will be answered, but not anymore. Why? Because I don’t think he will answers my questions truthfully and honestly even though if he does reaches out, which he won’t. I’m 1000% sure.

I won’t unwind what had happened between us because without the experienced and the lesson, I wouldn’t have learned so much more about myself. And I wouldn’t become who I’m today. He was a lesson I needed to learn so that I can become a better version of myself. I don’t hate him. At least not anymore.

Is time for me to really move on from my past. I don’t feel sad or upset writing this post so is a good sign. I’m feeling calm and peaceful. I’m not excusing my actions and behaviours, but merely stating the facts and openly admitting my past and mistakes I had made. Do I think he is a bad guy? Honestly no. Just that he blundered in his handling of his affair with me and he didn’t end it gentlemanly. His apology was half heartedly only. Anyway, it was history and I shouldn’t bring it up again. I have a tendency to get carried away and typed my thoughts out in the open. My bad! Haha

Oh well, when I watched the tv drama I saw myself in her shoes. Haha. Ciao everyone….


p.s. Admitting my weaknesses, mistakes and flaws are getting easier and become a part of my life when I don’t feel ashamed of who I have become and the type of person I want to become. I want to live a life free from lies. I’m trying even not to tell any white lies unless it is necessary which isn’t frequent, so thank god! Judge me if you want and see if I care ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†. It feels really good to be able to be this honest and open about my life, be it past or present. I don’t want to live my life hiding behind lies. And I will admit and confess for my actions and behaviours. If I didn’t do, don’t accused me because I will retaliate and fight back by doing exactly what I have been accused of doing. Just to spite him and made him pissed off.

X’mas Eve – past and present

Last year I had dinner with my brother and friends. This year will be the same too. The only thing that is different is we will go to his bar after dinner and my gf Gin will join me to celebrate X’mas this year as she happens to be in KL until 27th Dec. She is ditching her husband and daughters to party with me. I still remember I wasn’t feeling well last X’mas eve’s dinner as I was still in a pensive mood.

Actually, since he walked back into my life in 2014, I didn’t have a great X’mas and New Year celebrations because I was longing for him. I was missing him like crazy and was hoping and wishing he would spent these holiday seasons with me. Of course, it never happened and wouldn’t happen in a zillion years. Hence it made me very sad. I still remember in 2014, I went to HK to celebrate with my brother and my good friend in HK. But I wasn’t happy. I was miserable during the whole trip because he promised to visit me 1 week before X’mas and he bailed out using the excuse that he was recovering from a major operation to remove a skin cancer from his head. He said he had booked the ticket and room, but had to cancel because he was in too much pain to travel to see me. I believed him at that time. I should had ask him to show me his ticket, but I didn’t because I trusted him although I had my doubt. I was miserable as I was waiting for him to reply my messages even when I was in HK. He took forever to reply. He claimed he was spending time with his youngest son whom he loves dearly. More than his 2 adult children.

I cried in the hotel room and was feeling empty. I walked around feeling like a zombie. I was just not in the mood to celebrate and I told him. He did actually asked me not to go to HK because I wasn’t feeling well too. But to stay at home alone would had made me felt worse. In fact, I was feeling very very lonely because I was longing for him to be with me. But I didn’t tell him as I didn’t want to pressure him and made him stayed away from me. He liked to use the cold treatment on me whenever he disagreed with me.

In 2015, my X’mas was slightly better than 2014, but not that great. We fought in November and didn’t speak to each other for over 2 months when he called me back. SO what did we fought about? The same shit why he liked to pull a hot and cold treatments on me? Why he liked to push me away and reeled me in again? Hence the argument and it was really hard on me not to reach out to him. But I told myself enough was enough as I didn’t want to keep reaching out. He told me he wrote a long email to explain why, but he decided not to send to me. He said maybe 1 day he would do so. But it never happened because when he contacted me again it was 2016 and a month later shits began to hit the fan and ran it course for 2 months.

If he had send out the long email maybe I would have the answers I were looking for and it wouldn’t took me so long to recover from my heartbrokenness. It took me almost 18 months to accept the fact that I would never know the truth and get the answers to my questions. Anyway….. (his favourite word too)

This year X’mas I’m feeling good. Really good. Although I’m sitting at home now and typing away instead of going out and drinking with my brother, I actually feel fine with it. I don’t feel like drinking tonight because I know tomorrow night I will drink a lot. I don’t want to be intoxicated 2 nights in a row. I don’t feel lonely or empty at all. I feel at peace being by myself. I’m actually happy ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š.

So I’m glad that this year X’mas I’m feeling ok and happy. I wish all my readers a Merry X’mas! Have a good celebration!! Cheers!




Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can’t call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn’t, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let’s identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn’t good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn’t bother to remember as it doesn’t concerns me.

Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don’t know and I don’t care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don’t get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won’t deny that I’m curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn’t. I’m curious, but I never ask any V and I don’t act weird around them when I see them together. I don’t pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn’t right, but 1 hand can’t clap. Just like 1 person can’t tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S’s dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn’t raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V’s parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X’mas. S’s wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don’t judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don’t know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.

Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I’m proud to say I’m not one of those people as my life is very open. I’m not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I’m wrong. I don’t hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I’ll admit and face the consequences. I’m not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn’t values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy’s friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn’t wants him to divorce her and doesn’t mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don’t. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don’t pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don’t condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or ย judge.

Demon in us


I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, “there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it”. What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren’t born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn’t up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.

I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn’t do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn’t hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn’t stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn’t do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren’t and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don’t feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn’t care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn’t deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn’t hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn’t like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don’t want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn’t want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn’t have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I’m very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don’t feel the darkness in me anymore. I don’t have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don’t even want to mention his name further because I don’t want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don’t turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I’m very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I’m able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I’m happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don’t wish him dead anymore, but I also can’t bring myself to wish him well because I don’t feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn’t mean I want to wish him well. I haven’t forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn’t consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven’t forgotten yet. And I don’t think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it.ย (Peter Wittendorp’s Accused His Wife Cheated on Him)ย . Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn’t be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha……

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I’m not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I’m who I’m. And I don’t need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn’t, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too!

Will I say HELLO??

Gin asked me will I say hello to him if 1 day I bump into him? I told her I don’t know what I will do if that day does happens because it all depends on the situation, my feeling ย at that time and whom I’m with. And honestly I don’t want to overthink on a hypothetical scenario simply because I really don’t know what I will do at that precise moment. If he says hello 1st, I will definitely return the hello. But if he doesn’t, will I make the 1st move?? The answer is I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Another reason I don’t want to overthink is because I think the scenario that Gin asked me will never happen. How can I be so sure? Haha….guts feeling I guess.

Anyway……if it happens then I will decide what to do at that moment. So for now there is no concrete decision to a hypothetical scenario.