Forehead kiss

My most memorable and sweetest kiss from the man was the forehead kisses he gave me before we fell asleep and as he left for work in the morning when we were in HK. We shared passionate french kissing, but nothing beat the forehead kisses he gave me. Until today it still brought back good memory of that moment, but it also brought back sadness to me because I will never be able to experience it again from him.

I felt cherished, protected and appreciated when he kissed me on my forehead. I felt like we belonged together. I belonged to him and he belonged to me. A simple kiss that conveyed many emotions. I felt I was the lucky woman at that very moment and I longed for him to kiss me every night and morning before he goes to sleep and to work. I wanted to delete this frame from my mind, but I failed. It is like a frozen picture, forever engraved in my memory. Oh, how I wished we had more time together.

Sometimes, all we need is just a simple kiss by the one we love to make our day. For me, a forehead kiss by the person I like or love speak more volume to me and give me more emotions than a passionate hot french kissing. I hope that 1 day I will meet a man who will be able to make me feel what I felt with him when I’m being kiss on the forehead. I know I will. I just need to have faith that my Mr Right will shows up when I lease expected it. Haha.

I have to stop here because remembering that special moment is making me sad. I can’t relieve the moment without feeling a loss. So I better stop here.

Anyway, what’s your favourite kissing style?

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Forgiving someone….

Forgiving someone who has wronged you takes a lot of inner strength. I know for a fact because everyday for the past 2 years I have been telling myself to forgive the man who hurts me and forget about him. In the beginning it was really hard for me to find the inner strength in me to forgive the man. Everytime when I came closed to forgiving the man by thinking of the positive things he did for me, how he made me laughed and cared for me, the hurt and pain would just crept back into my mind. It weren’t far away at all. When the negativity crept into my mind, the want to forgive was replaced by anger and that the man didn’t deserved my forgiveness. The man deserved what happened to him because the man was heartless and cruel to me. But I kept telling myself I needed to forgive him not because he deserved it, but because I needed to forgive the man for my own sake.

If I didn’t forgive the man, then I was holding myself prisoner because I wouldn’t be able to start healing by letting go of the pain and hurt caused by the man. The pain and hurt kept repeating itself like a groundhog day. Forgiving doesn’t happen automatically. It was a conscious action that I chose every single day so that my mind and heart would be aligned to accept my decision. Even it was a conscious decision and effort, it was still very hard for me. Some days I just couldn’t convinced my brain to forgive the man. And when that happened I would do everything to distract my mind from focusing on the negative energy by shifting my thoughts away from thinking about the man. It was hard in the initial 18 months when the man occupied very single minute of my waking moment. It was only since last year I managed to control my thoughts and focus on forgiving the man. Like I had said earlier, I chose to forgive the man was because I needed to move on and let go.

Forgiving the man is a big part of my healing process. If I didn’t forgive the man, I wouldn’t be able to let go. Forgiving the man doesn’t mean I forget what the man did to me and how he hurts me. Forgiving him was an act of closing the wound so that the healing could happened. Forgiving also means putting the bast behind me, living in the moment and look forward to the future. I know an understand how hard it is to forgive someone who had wronged us, but it is necessary if we want to live a happy life for ourselves.

I chose to forgive the man because it was good for me mentally and emotionally. It took a lot of my inner strength to forgive the man but I did it. Nobody will tell you that forgiving someone who had wronged you is an easy process and it will take a long time to be forgive someone depending on the severity and level of wrongfulness, pain and hurt. But no matter how long it takes and how hard the process is going to be, I urge you to do it because if we don’t learn to forgive we will never be able to be truly free from the past and let go. If you want to be happy again, learn to forgive!

p.s. I will be lying if I say I don’t want the man to forgive me too because I did wronged him as well. I hope he will be able to forgive me 1 day although I know for a fact that day will never come. But I’m entitled to be hopeful so I will continue to hope.

The Man

Vion, 1 of my BFF was in KL and I spent a whole day with her yesterday as I had time. She was in town to discuss some business opportunities with a handful of local Developers and I shared with her some market intelligence. Of course, we talked about life and etc as well. It came to the topic of relationship and she commented that there aren’t any suitable men for me in KL. I answered her that I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment as I want to focus on building my career. I explained to her that after my last experienced with the man, I have a better understanding of myself and I know clearly what I want for myself and how I want to live my life and finding a partner is not my priority now. I don’t want unnecessary drama that might come with a relationship again after what I went through 2 years ago.

She commented and asked did I really loved the man? And I answered her yes I did. It was a question that I had asked myself repeatedly in the past and wasn’t sure of the answer until end of last year. And when I answered her today, I answered with certainty that I did loved the man at that point in time when that man was in my life. She asked me was that man worth it for me to love? I answered her at that period yes he was. She asked what did I saw in the man? I answered her, love is blind and a feeling. She was still cursing the man for how he treated me and I told her it was the past and I didn’t want to talk about it further.

I didn’t feel sad/unhappy when talking about the man. I uttered his name to Vion without  feeling any hatred for him. To be honest, I never hated him even when I was at my darkest mood and moments. It was good that I had this short conversation about the man with Vion because I know with 100% certainty now that my heart has healed 100%. Being with the man was what I wanted at that time and I made the choice so I had to accept the consequences.

If I had known back then how the relationship would had ended, would I still choose to love the same man and subject myself to the painful heartbreak and experienced??  The answer is NO. I would choose to love the man from a distance rather be involved with the man. I don’t regret for loving and being involved with the man because the man was a lesson I needed so that I could learned more deeply about myself. So it was a lesson I had to experience.

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to reminiscence about the man or our past. I wrote this post because I wanted to capture down my feelings at this moment.

My happy and laughing self

It had been awhile since I last had fun chatting with someone. Finally my witty sense of humour is back in full force and I could feel my hearty and happy laughter are back too. No, I don’t have any romantic feeling with the man I’m chatting with. I just enjoyed his dry sense of humour, his interest in luxury watches and his ability to switch topics with ease. With some people, conversation just flows easily and with others conversation doesn’t. Is easy to talk to him and he made me laughed. Haha.

It had been awhile since I laughed gaily. There is no hidden agenda with him as we don’t want anything from each other except casual chatting about work, life and everything we fancy. We are working on a project together. He is the architect for the development I’m going to market and sell in the near future so we have to communicate a fair bit about work and that was how we started our chatting.

Finally after 2 years I’m able to really let go, move on and regain my old happy self that were always laughing. I’m definitely wiser, calmer and in control of my emotions now 😊😊😊🤪🤪! Just 30 mins ago I did a test by googling Him. Saw his pictures and also blog posts written by me about him and I didn’t feel anything except maybe a quick flashed back of a few snippets of old times. Other than that, the feeling was like I know him, but yet I don’t know him!! We were once so close that I felt we knew and understand each other deeply, but now we are back to strangers. At this very moment, I missed him, the laughter we shared, the silly jokes/banters that only we both understood, his teasing, his kisses and his loved. I believe now that he did loved me albeit a short loved. I missed having him in my life at this very moment I’m writing this. But at the same time I know the feeling is short-lived because I can’t forget how he badly he treated me too. As I’m writing my next word, the feeling of missing him passes by. It is this short-lived!!

But the most important thing for me is I’m able to laugh gaily again and acting silly 🤪🤪And I’m happy. I’m working hard to achieve my goals and I know I will. So I’m going to say Goodbye My Loved!!

 

 

Any regrets???

I haven’t ask myself this question for awhile until tonight when it crossed my mind to ask someone and I decided to answer this question myself. And my honest answer is NO. I don’t have any regret to date. Initially I thought my experienced 2 years ago with HIM would be something I would regret, but now that I have time to reflect, process and understand my feelings I don’t regret knowing and falling in love with him. I don’t regret the heartache and pain I went through because I have learned a lot about myself from that particular experienced and it helps me to grow into a better version of myself. Without that experienced with HIM, I might not have a breakthrough with a deeper understanding of myself, the type of person I want to be and how I want to live my life. Without that experienced I might not understand what it felt like to have my heartbroken by the man I truly loved. He was the 1st man I truly loved. I realised now that I never loved my any men except HIM.

I did wish I handled the situation better, but I made many mistakes and I couldn’t turn back the clock to undo my mistakes so what I can do is to accept, admit and learn from my mistakes so that I don’t repeat it again in the future. I did think of seeking his forgiveness, but I know he doesn’t wants to hear from me anymore. I did apologise, but I didn’t ask him to forgive me because I know it is pointless as his answer will be a resounding NO. I like to think that I don’t know him well, but to a certain extend I do know and understand him therefore I know with 100% certainty that forgiving me is never in his lists at all. So I have decided to move on.

I promise myself that I will never allow myself to have any regrets in life and I’m lucky and bless that until today I’m still able to keep this record. To me, if I managed to learn from my experienced than it shouldn’t be considered as a regret. Feeling regretful doesn’t help in anything as the past is the past. And if we keep feeling regretful, we will be paralysed by the thought and unable to move on and live life to the fullest. The only way to stop the feeling of regret is to turn the negative into positive and make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes.

I appreciate and accepted who I was, who I’m now and I work toward the type of person I want to be in the future. I acknowledge and embrace my strengths and flaws without shame. The past is a lesson, the present is to learn and grow and the future is being our TRUE SELF!

p.s. He crossed my mind a few days ago and there was a short moment that I missed him. I wished he was still in my life, but I’m not regretting that he isn’t because he was in my life to teach me a lesson about myself. That was the most important for me – I have a deeper understanding of myself! That was his gift to me although I didn’t see it earlier, but I do now. Having regrets are part of life, but we have the power to turn it into something positive. I wish all of you living a life with no regrets because regrets will cripple you. Remember that!

 

 

Last day in Bali

This trip to Bali was a slow paced holiday. I only left the resort 2x and regretted doing so. Bali is getting very congested and traffic is horrendous. And the Chinese and Indian tourists are getting larger in number until I feel like I’m going to China.not something I enjoy at all so I might have to find a new beach resort for me to escape too. Beside I really hate the traffic jam! I managed to get some tan, but isn’t very tan because the sun was scorching hot. My body couldn’t take the intense heat. Not only that, freckles started to appear in my body too. And it took me longer to get a nice chocolate tan this time. Not sure why? Maybe because too long didn’t tan and the tanning oil I used was 8 instead of my usual 4. Because of all those reasons I didn’t get a chocolaty tan and I’m cool with it.

It was a good retreat for me especially when this afternoon I sent out 2 emails that had been weighing on my mind for the longest time. One was to Naomi to try to mend our broken friendship. I don’t know if she has read the email because I sent it to her yahoo account and not sure if she still check this email account. This is the only email account of hers I have so no choice. It was quite a long email so couldn’t whatsapp. I was debating if I should text her to ask her to check her email account, but then I decided to leave it to fate to see if she reads it. If we are still meant to be friend, we will. So I really don’t want to go out of my way to inform her.

The 2nd email was to ‘HIM’. Yes, finally I sent out the closure email. It was more for me than him. The email wasn’t to reconnect. It was purely a symbolic moved on my part to give myself the closure I very much needed to move on. I said a few things I needed to say and that were it.

I got rid of all the negativity that were troubling me and when I get home to KL tomorrow it will be a brand new start and this time is for real. So overall this is a good trip.

Weird dream

Yesterday I had a weird dream. Weird because of several reasons – 1) I dreamt about ‘Him’ and 2) the content of the dream and 3) his look in the dream.

It was a surprised to me that I dreamt of ‘Him’ as it rarely happened. If my memory didn’t fail me, this was the 2nd time, but it could be the 1st time too. Irregardless, I rarely dreamt of him. And last night the dream was super weird because in my dream he had a moustache and he was wearing a wig over his bald head. At first, I couldn’t recognised him at all until he told me it was him and I called his mobile number to confirm it was him.

I couldn’t remember the full details of my dream. Maybe 50% of it only. I remember we talked, but I couldn’t remember what we talked about except it was a cordial conversation we had and a long one too. I remember I asked him why did he reached out, but I couldn’t remember what was his answer. I usually don’t write down my dream, but this one was way too weird for me to ignore. And to add to the weirdness, someone from SG googled his name and was directed to my blog post. I find it weird because it had been a while since I saw his name appeared in the search terms in my blog (refer to picture). This wasn’t the 1st time, but the coincidence was just too hard to ignore especially when posts related to him hadn’t appeared for a few days already. Sometimes his name appeared very frequently under the search terms and sometimes not for a long period. I have to admit I’m really curious to know who were those people googling him specifically and why?

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I read a few articles on “Dreaming about an Ex” and 1 of the reason mentioned why an ex appeared in the dream is because the dreamer is seeking a proper closure and I have to admit that I’m. I want a proper closure and clear the air on any misunderstandings and accusation between us. I don’t want any ill feeling between us. After all, we had liked each other for 10 years. The feeling was genuine, at least on my part. I did hurt him too with my actions and words hence I should apologise, but I will only do it if he does it too as he owes me an apology.

Anyway, I honestly need a proper closure and to clear my name or else I will always feel the injustice. Oh ya, after I took the snapshot of the above, there were a further searched of his name from Singapore. This time even weirder as it never happened before because under the search term you can see “Peter Wittendorp girlfriend”, which brought them to my blog again. First time I saw this search term and it made me very curious to know who and why, which of course I will never find out.

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Oh well, a weird dream for sure.