Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

I copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn’t something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I’m still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I’m not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn’t feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I’m learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

“You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous”

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Stop chasing people….

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren’t doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don’t chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don’t, I don’t too.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don’t give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don’t want to fight for a spot in someone’s life if that person doesn’t gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can’t force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don’t want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I’m willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn’t. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don’t chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn’t had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn’t too late as I’m putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don’t mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn’t really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I’m going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me……😂!

Mood Swings

I’m experiencing a very bad mood swing now and all I want to do is to be by myself so that I can take care of my own thoughts and emotions. I can feel the darkness lurking on the surface now and I’m doing everything in my power to control it. I don’t know what causes it as it started since yesterday evening. I did summer cleaning of my contact lists on my phone and deleted a fair bit of number for people that I don’t keep in touch anymore. And this afternoon I deleted my chat history with Xavier as I feel that I can’t trust him hence not sure if I still want to keep him as a friend. I’m deeply affected by my last experienced with Peter Wittendorp. Now I feel scare to open up myself to anyone, especially men as I worry I will be hurt. Even though they give me no reason to doubt them, I still do. If their actions don’t match their words, I will not hesitate to delete them from my life.

And I will only match their effort. I won’t go out of my limbs to reach out to them like I used to do so. If someone wants to be in my life, they will put in effort and time to show me. The excuses of being not free and etc are just a more polite way to tell me I’m not interested to keep the friendship alive or in me. Which is fine with me as long as they tell me and not waste my time. If they choose not to tell me, then I will take matters into my own hand and do what I think is best for me. I don’t care about other people feelings when they don’t care about mine.

Lack of effort is equivalent to lack of interest so why should I keep putting in effort and time when the other party isn’t doing so. I’m becoming very selfish nowadays after my last shitty experienced with Peter Wittendorp. He scars me and I don’t know when I will be able to recover and not feel scare at opening my heart again. At this moment I really feel like releasing another set of correspondences between me and Peter, but I’m controlling my urge by thinking positive thoughts. A few of my cores component have changed because of what Peter Wittendorp’s did to me.

When I thought I’m moving on, I would be hit by a bout of intense mood swings that were caused by the fear of being hurt again. The inability to trust without a doubt just makes me feel sad and unhappy. I know I shouldn’t let 1 bad experienced with 1 person to affect me so much, but it did! I’m scare of getting attached and sharing my feelings openly. The moment I see their words and actions don’t match up, I cut them loose even if it is just something small they didn’t do as they said they would. I just don’t want to subject myself to the same experienced again.

I wish I’m a bitch because then I will go all out to seek my revenge on the man who hurt me so badly and deeply. And left a permanent scar on my heart. I’m determine to regain back my old self, but it is definitely taking much longer than I thought. Anyway, what I can do now is just to stay away from people, especially Xavier when I’m in this state of bad mood swing. I’m not sure if I will still reach out to him after I feel better. I really don’t know what I will do yet. All I care about now is getting myself into a zen state of mind so that I can keep the darkness at bay and not envelope me.

I’m going to do some yoga now to relax and clear my mind……

 

Forgetful

I’m very forgetful lately. It has turned from bad to worst. For instance, I had created a Peter Wittendorp board on Pinterest, but just 2 days ago when I tried to save more new pins to this board, I couldn’t find it. Totally gone without a trace. I was surprised when I couldn’t find the board. A few thoughts crossed my mind about what could had happened to the missing board. 1 of the thought was Peter Wittendorp hired a white hacker to hack into my account to delete it. But then when I think deeper, I don’t think he will go to such an extent as this board was created 1 year ago. If he wanted to hack into my Pinterest’s account he could had done it earlier.

My the other thought seemed more plausible, but yet I have no recollection of doing it – I deleted the board myself. Frankly, I don’t remember if I did it or not even this moment, I still couldn’t remember. I’m guessing I did because there isn’t any more sensible reason to explain why the board was missing without a trace. Until now I’m still trying to think back if I did, but nothing comes to mind. Anyway, the board is deleted from my Pinterest and I don’t plan to create a new board again because it is time to move on. I haven’t use Pinterest for at least 2 months hence I didn’t realise the board was gone until 2 days ago. Is a good sign because I used the board to vent all my feelings when I created it 1 year ago. Now I don’t need to do it anymore.  I just wish I could remember I had deleted the board so that I won’t feel so forgetful.

I’m not only forgetful about things I did, but also what I had said or people I had met before. My memories really not as tip top as before. Maybe I think too much and hence only remember important things. Haha.

Oh well, it isn’t a bad thing to be forgetful as it will allows me to forget bad memories and also shitty people who hurt me. So don’t mind being forgetful occasionally. Hahaha

Peter Wittendorp Smses to me…..

These SMSes were referring to the conversation we had when Peter Wittendorp told me he had agreed to let ‘her’ check his phone and computer anytime she wanted to do so. I remember clearly as I was driving and when I heard what he told me I was very upset and angry and I cut off our conversation. Subsequently, he tried to call back several times, but I never answered as I was trying to control my tears and was super angry.

He also told me that he told her that he had to inform me of his decision too as he felt I needed to know. Honestly I was confused why I needed to know. I asked him did he want me to stop texting him, if so, just tell me there and then. I further ask him did he want our friendship to end? He said no. But I told him, she would eventually requests that he gave up our friendship as the next step. Might as well end it now (n that was when I put down the phone, he called back several times and subsequent messages as follows)

 

By the time I calmed down enough and called him back, it was around late afternoon as I was leaving office. He told me he just called to tell her (his wife) that his phone was his privacy and he wouldn’t let her check and read the messages. At least that was what he told me over the phone. Of course, I was happy when I heard that but I was also confused why he was willing to do that for me.

Sometimes his actions confused me. Anyway, it was the past. I’m writing it down now because I’m experiencing a flashed back and only by writing it down I can expunge any feelings arising from this flashed back.

I swear that was the conversation we had. I will only write facts and the truth even if the truth hurts me. Only the truth will set me free. What people think of me after reading about my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I don’t care. If I care, I wouldn’t had posted so much. I didn’t do it to revenge. I did it because I want to stop feeling victimised.

No one will understand how I felt for the past 1 year when I was struggling to regain my core self. Anyway, there will be more posts to come.

My Current State of Mind & Feeling

I was swarmed with work and re-building my life after the crushing heartbreak. Finally, I’m happy to share that I’m doing well in both departments 😁😁! Business opportunities are growing at a steady pace although all the big deals I’m working on currently are still work in progress, but at least I have a chance to close those deals. In fact, I have a pretty good and positive feeling that I might be able to pull off a few big deals in the next 6 months. I’m feeling euphoric that my hard work is slowly paying off. I have created a blue ocean for myself and company. Nothing beats the intense feeling of satisfaction that I get every time I looked back at how far I had come. It isn’t pay day yet, but the signs are very positive that I will hit jackpot in the next 6 months to 1 year. I just need to stay focus, motivated and continue to think creatively to develop more new clients and learn new things.

Not only I can feel the changes in me, I can see it clearly as well. Are they good changes or bad? Hmmmm……I guess it depends on each individual acceptance level. Personally, I think those changes were good for me as it were part of my growing up process. But to some people who have known me previously before the changes took place, they might not like the new me.

In the past, I always checked up on my friends and made sure they were well and fine. But now, I don’t do much of it. Mainly is because I don’t want to absorb any unnecessary negative energy. I usually shy away when I sense any negative vibes heading towards me. Last time, I absorbed a lot and even did my best to cheer my friends up by sharing my positive energy/vibes with them, which not only drained me but also made me worried about them. I realised now that I don’t want to be their sounding board anymore   as we are all adults hence we should deal with the drama in our life ourselves. I was always very giving until I my caring and giving nature were fully taken advantage of by underserving people, such as Peter Wittendorp and my crazy mum. Both of them used and took advantage of my compassionate nature repetitively and stabbed my in my heart. Seriously, they were a few parallels from both of them on how they used and treated me. Thank god I cut both of them out of my life for good. They couldn’t hurt me anymore!

I’m not sure I will be able to fully forgive them for what they did, said and treated me. I don’t break down and cry anymore as I had accepted the facts, but occasionally I felt a tinge of sadness when I recounted the stories to friends. Once a blue moon thing though. Recently I was shown a pic of my crazy mum and I didn’t even want to look at her face. And I’m definitely not interested to know about her current life!! I don’t want dramas and disturbance to be heaped on me again!

I had also looked at the pictures of  Peter Wittendorp just recently and what I saw was a stranger. The face that I used to love, the laughter that made me giddy and happy, the man that I thought was a good man and Mr Right for me was dead on April 18, 2016 when he did the unspeakable to me! I didn’t know then, but it was the night that he robbed my happiness, compassion and ability to trust people from me. It took me 1 year to recover, but I will never be able to trust people like I used to anymore. I used to take people words as trustworthy, but not anymore. Words need to be backed up by consistent  actions before I will accord my trust to them.

So now the man in the picture is a pathological liar, a hypocrite, a fakey and an asshole. I feel like a fool for falling for Peter Wittendorp, sucking in all his words and putting up with his shitty treatments and the emotional turmoil he put me through! Seriously, it was really ironic for a pathological liar (2 years) like him to throw accusation at me! What a fucking joke! To be honest, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop cursing him for what he did to me. I don’t know why, but every time when I wrote his name I feel the urge to cuss him and I will become 😤😤! I think I better stop or else I will make myself upset over an asshole!!

Anyway, overall I’m in a good place emotionally, mentally and physically. The upset feeling I had passed by quickly so it doesn’t affect me. Now my full attention are given to my business and getting my financial back in order so that my lifestyle will not be greatly affected by a temporary setback. That sums up my current state of mind and feeling.

Till the next post peeps!

 

 

 

Escaping Peter Wittendorp’s Ghost

Almost 3 weeks since my last post and a lot had happened during this period. Crazy, exciting, promising, tiring and colourful. But nothing beats the fact and feeling that finally I free myself from the minuscule remote feeling and wish I used to have for Peter Wittendorp. The day when I openly and publicly shared all the SMSes between us, it was the day I was reborn. I should had done it earlier. For the first time I felt free because I didn’t have anymore skeletons in my closet. I felt darn good to be honest.

It was the final nail I needed to nail into the coffin and move on. This time was for real. I deleted all the SMSes from my phone after I posted everything up online. I’m the type of person that if I still keep something in my phone, be it a phone number or photos or SMSes or messages (family and friends only), then I still want or hope or wish the person to be in my life. But the moment I deleted everything in my phone that will reminds me of that person, it means the person existence is being permanently removed from my life.

Come to think of it, I have to admit it took me exactly 1 year to cleanly and clearly moved on and recovered from the heartbreak caused by Peter Wittendorp. He is truly a piece of work. He almost destroyed me emotionally and mentally, but luckily I managed to pull myself up from the black hole and dungeon he pushed me into. Anyway, the past is the past.

What doesn’t kills me makes me stronger. That’s all I have to say.