I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.

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Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.

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My admissions and confessions

When I didn’t know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn’t reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn’t hate him.

What I did wasn’t right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn’t know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don’t expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn’t share details about him because it wasn’t a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I’m definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.

I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn’t do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won’t revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I’m doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I’m definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn’t want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn’t giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I’m not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn’t do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma’s grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I’m happy now and that’s most important πŸ˜€πŸ˜€. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that’s all I have to share.

Peter Wittendorp chapter officially closed

I finally figured out why it took me so long to forgive myself and got over him (Peter Wittendorp). It was because I was clinging on a minuscule hope that one day we will have a chance to sit down and talk openly what had happened between us. I was too stubborn to let go because I wasn’t ready to let go. I was hoping for something that will never happen, but I didn’t want to accept the fact even though deep down in my heart I knew I was hoping for the impossibleΒ πŸ˜‰. I was just plained stubborn period. Haha.

And the moment I decided not to pursue the truth of why he lied to me, I also learned to forgive myself for believing in him beyond a reasonable doubt. The moment I stopped feeling stupid about my blind trust in him, I accepted the fact that we will never cross path again!

I didn’t want to forget him, but at the same time I wasn’t able to forgive him for what he did to me and how he treated me hence it caused a lot of internal frictions for myself. I only managed to clear my head when I was in Rhodes. I accepted the fact that he will never think of me anymore and he will never be in my life again. Yes even after how he treated me and did to me, I was still hoping (minuscule) that he was still in my life. I know, I know…..I shouldn’t had such hope, but I did. But not anymore for 1 month. So is a good sign.

I was also in conflict earlier because I felt there was a need to make him believe that I’m innocent. In fact, I wanted desperately to convince him I’m innocent. But now I realised that it is pointless to do so because what he thinks/believes is irrelevant to me. What is important is I know I’m innocent. Trying to convince someone who is adamant that I’m the culprit is actually a waste of time. I rather spend my time and energy on something else that can enrich my life and enhance my experience.

Anyway, bottomline is I’m in a good place now. Occasionally his name stills popped into my mind and I’ll also wonder about him, but it passed by quickly. So everything is good. Life is not as great as I want it to be as I have a lot of financial burden, but I will make it better soon. I just need to work hard and never give up πŸ˜€!

Happy Weekend!

 

 

 

 

 

I forgave myself

Finally I was able to forgive myself during my stayed in Rhodes. I forgave myself for my foolishness, stubbornness and blindness for trusting and falling in love with him. I forgave myself for believing and thinking he truly loved me and wouldn’t hurt me intentionally. I forgave myself for wanting him to be in my life for as long as I’m alive. Most important of all, I forgave myself for being a fool!

It took me 1.5 years to forgive myself, but I did it. The 1st time I admitted and said it out loud I forgave myself was during my chat with Angela. We were talking about life and I told her that this year birthday was a good birthday even though I dined alone, but I didn’t feel lonely or alone. I felt peaceful, happy and contented. I actually enjoyed my own company very much and I didn’t feel the need to be surrounded by people. For the 1st time I truly understand how I felt celebrating alone. I didn’t care if people think I was pitiful or whatever because what they think was irrelevant to me. I also shared with her that my trip to Rhodes was a trip to recharge and heal myself.

When Angela heard that I took 1.5 years to forgive myself for my foolishness, she commented that was long. She further said that all of us made mistakes and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for our past mistakes. She said it was good that I managed to forgive myself. And I couldn’t agree more with her. Aside from Angela, I also admitted to another couple (Ian & Michelle) who stayed at the hotel at the same time as me when we were talking about life and experienced on the day I was to leave Rhodes. It felt really good to be able to admit and say it out loud that I forgave myself for all the mistakes I had made in the past. I knew at that moment I had finally stop beating myself up and stop searching for answers as to why he did what he did to me and treated me so badly. The need to search for answers and the truth weren’t important anymore. I was finally able to let go! I felt light once again.

So far I admitted to 3 people that I took 1.5 years to forgive myself and their reaction was the same – that I took very long time to forgive myself and I didn’t need to forgive myself. I told them I needed to because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to stop looking for answers as to why he treated me so badly, why he had to play with my heart and feelings. Forgiving myself is the final stage in healing my broken heart by accepting and admitting my mistakes openly and being ok with the mistake I had made in the past. Is kinda making peace with my own heart and mind 😊.

It was a long road to heal my heart, but I did it. And this time is for real. In the past, I always thought I had healed and moved on, but in actual fact I was forcing myself to heal and hence I didn’t manage to heal properly. I finally understand the difference between a natural vs a force healing. I’m not sure if I will ever forget him, but I’m sure that thinking of him doesn’t makes me angry anymore. He was a part of my life that I will never be able to erase because the experienced he gave me had contributed to the changes in me. So the best is just let it be.

Anyway, forgiving myself is the best gift I can give myself. It was really a long road for me, but it was necessary. Learn to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made and life will gets better.

Happy Sunday πŸ˜€

I AM SORRY!