Demon in us

I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, “there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it”. What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren’t born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn’t up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.

I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn’t do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn’t hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn’t stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn’t do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren’t and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don’t feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn’t care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn’t deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn’t hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn’t like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don’t want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn’t want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn’t have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I’m very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don’t feel the darkness in me anymore. I don’t have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don’t even want to mention his name further because I don’t want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don’t turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I’m very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I’m able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I’m happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don’t wish him dead anymore, but I also can’t bring myself to wish him well because I don’t feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn’t mean I want to wish him well. I haven’t forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn’t consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven’t forgotten yet. And I don’t think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it. (Peter Wittendorp’s Accused His Wife Cheated on Him) . Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn’t be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha……

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I’m not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I’m who I’m. And I don’t need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn’t, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too!

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Will I say HELLO??

Gin asked me will I say hello to him if 1 day I bump into him? I told her I don’t know what I will do if that day does happens because it all depends on the situation, my feeling  at that time and whom I’m with. And honestly I don’t want to overthink on a hypothetical scenario simply because I really don’t know what I will do at that precise moment. If he says hello 1st, I will definitely return the hello. But if he doesn’t, will I make the 1st move?? The answer is I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Another reason I don’t want to overthink is because I think the scenario that Gin asked me will never happen. How can I be so sure? Haha….guts feeling I guess.

Anyway……if it happens then I will decide what to do at that moment. So for now there is no concrete decision to a hypothetical scenario.

A little bit about “Me”

November is a slow month. No meetings schedule till next week. Been sitting at home waiting for decisions from Developers. Really bored. So today decided to have a late lunch at LeBar Sofitel KL as I want to get out of the house. Been holed up in the house for the entire week except went out for groceries shopping. Ordered food delivery hence didn’t need to go out for food too. Hahaha.

I literally sat at home and played game to prevent my brain from thinking too much. I’m also trying not to do to many soul searching thinking as I did a lot of that in the past 1.5 years and I’m sure I know myself much more deeply now. I don’t want to plan too far ahead as I don’t know what is around the corner waiting for me. There are things I want to achieve in life and I’m working very hard to achieve my goals. Basically, I need to rebuild my financial nest. Once my financial is back to a stable and healthy level I will be able to embark on my colourful life journey again. I have to temporary slow it down because I have a fair bit of financial obligations that I need to fulfill and without a steady flow or a large chunk of income stream going into my bank account, I can’t freely embark on my colourful life journey. Is kinda frustrating sometimes as I can’t go out and do what I want to, but I have to be patient because I put myself in this predicament by investing too much properties when the market was booming and now I’m stuck with properties that I can’t sell yet and took too long to rent it out. So it burnt a hole in my bank account. Plus a huge chunk of my cash is stuck in stock market as I can’t sell the shares I bought at the peak because the prices are super low now. So have to wait for it to climb back to a healthy level before I cash out. And I hadn’t worked for almost 3 years and living on my savings so depleting my bank account further. And although I started working again last year, the salary I received was way too pathetic that it wasn’t even enough to cover my condo monthly instalment. I did closed a few deals, but only enough to help em to cover my living expenses. At least it helps to pay bills, but definitely not enough to allow me to indulge in the type of colourful life journey that I was used to. Temporary setback until I get my financial back on track.

So now what I have to do is work hard and work smart to build up my financial again. I have a strong feeling that 2018 will be a great year for me. Once my financial is back to a healthy level, I will relook into going back to university for my MBA in psychology. It has always been my wish to go back to graduate school for this subject. Human behaviour is an interesting subject for me to analyse and explore. I wished I took up psychology during my undergraduate rather than business management and marketing. Anyway, it isn’t too late for me to pursue this subject. At least now, I study for fun and not to get a job so the pressure is off to deliver good grades. Haha. Anyway, I was an alright student seeing that I rarely study except 1 week before the exam. My overall GPA was 3.5 so ain’t too bad. I would say I’m a street smart person more than book smart although I like to read a lot. Just not educational materials. Haha.

I’m a rebellious kid since I was young being the eldest not only in my family, but in the entire clan too. So I got pampered a lot even though I grew up in a broken family. My grandma (dad’s side) not only loved me a lot, but she pampered and spoiled me to the maximum. Although I had a few years of very sad and dark childhood, I still grew up alright because of my grandma. I loved her loads, but when I was younger I didn’t show her my love enough and definitely didn’t know how to appreciate her until much later in life which was already too late as she passed away almost 15 years. She didn’t get to see my success today. If she is still around today I’m sure she will be very proud of me. I miss her. I miss my grandma. Without her unwavering love and support I wouldn’t be who I’m today. I owe part of what I own today to my grandma. She didn’t only give me love, attention, but she also supported my financially when my dad was poor and couldn’t support me. And I don’t remember thanking my grandma properly. I think there were many moments that I found her annoying and irritating. I was very impatient with her as she got older and slower in her movements. I also didn’t spend enough time with her when she was alive. Now that I’m writing about my grandma, I’m feeling sad as I didn’t spend enough time with her before she passed away. And I didn’t say a proper thank you and goodbye to her. I think I will do it now.

“Ma Ma, thank you for your love, care and support for me when I was growing up. You were my anchors. Without you, I might not have achieved so much in life and be who I’m today. You will always be in my heart. And I’m sorry for not being a better granddaughter. I miss you a lot 😘😘. I hope you are happy where you are now. I’m sure you are in heaven. I love you always”

I’m feeling emotional now. And I’m sobbing while writing the above. I’m still sitting in LeBar in Sofitel and trying to hold back my tears. Haha.

I grew up in a broken family and had experienced 1st hand being neglected by my parents. My mum was because she had me when she was too young and just never grew up. My dad was because he had to work to support the family so always not around as he was a traveling salesman then. My dad still travels a lot now, but it doesn’t bothers me anymore as I’m a grown woman now. I never experienced growing up in a loving and intact family so it created a problem for me when I was growing up because I became insecure. I seek attention and associated to getting attention as getting love. Even until I was in my mid-30s’, I was still insecure and always wanting attention. I only managed to find inner peace and accepted myself 100% about 5 years ago. I’m still work in progress, but I’m in a better place now than I was 5 years ago and definitely better than I was last year after the bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp. That changed me even though I didn’t want to admit, but it did changed me. I’m not sure if my changes are good for me in the long-term yet as I’m still improving on myself. But for now, I like who I’m becoming into after the shitty experienced. I didn’t deserve what Peter Wittendorp did to me before, during and after.

Anyway, I will let bygone be bygone.

Oh well, I better stop here as I want to head home now……Happy Sunday everyone!!

 

 

 

 

 

My today’s thoughts and feelings

I had a weird dream last night. Totally unexpected and kinda surreal. Surreal because it was so real, but yet in reality it will never happen. So what did I dreamt about? I dreamt I had a civilised and friendly tele-conversation with him. He rang me up out of the blue and we started talking like old times. I find it weird and surreal because I know for a fact it won’t happen in real life. And it isn’t something I wish for anymore. In the past, I would pray and wish that 1 day he will be a part of my life again, but not anymore. To say I don’t miss him is a lie. Occasionally I did think and miss him, but the thought and feel were flitting. 2 years coming and I have gotten myself and my life back on track and out of the emotional sinkhole.

If I’m honest with myself, I don’t despise him anymore. I used to, but not anymore. The need to seek the truth and prove my innocent are gone from m radar. I don’t despise him, but that doesn’t mean I will wish him well in his life. I won’t because I’m no longer as kind and caring as I used to be. That part of me is gone and I’m not sure if it will ever comes back. I clearly know who I’m now. I know what I want out of life and what I don’t. I own my feelings and emotions and acknowledge it openly. I don’t hide behind a mask nor am I afraid to show my true self to people. You can either choose to like me or you don’t. Either way is fine. I don’t need to make everyone likes me.

Anyway, coming back to my dream. I’m not sure why I dreamt of him and that we were on good terms. Maybe my subconscious mind was just reflecting what I truly wanted, but   my conscious mind will not admit it. Hahaha.

Just wanted to write down this weird dream and how I felt about it? That’s all…..

Can we talk?

Deep down, I’m still unwilling to let him go from my mind. I thought I had, but I haven’t because I still want to talk to him 1 last time to clear the air over any misunderstandings we have. Because I still want to see his face again, at least for 1 last time. Because it still bothers me that he accused me baselessly. I retaliated as I want to get back at him for the way he treated me. Although I have forgiven myself for my foolishness and have managed to control my feelings and emotions, I still haven’t stop thinking about him. He still lives in my mind even though I know he will never wants to talk and see me again in this lifetime.

I foolishly hope that we will have a chance to clear the air face to face and bid a proper goodbye. I’m still a tad sad that he thinks so devilishly about me. He told me in his own words that it all started before I came into the picture so how could he accused me for what happened to him??? I wasn’t given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. He doesn’t knows and understands the pain and sadness his accusation has caused me!!! Until today, I still can’t forget his words and tone when he accused me. It was mean, cold and ugly!! It made me wanted to retaliate because (almost 2 years coming) I can still remember that day vividly!! I wanted to hurt him the way he hurts me. I wanted him to feel my pain, anguish and I wanted him to be shamed for his dastardly behaviour towards me. I wanted a revenge. I did!! That was the truth and I wouldn’t hide the fact that I thought about it.

The truth is I didn’t want a revenge. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. It is important for me to be able to tell the truth because my past was a part of my life journey. I don’t want to hide my story with him especially when I was an innocent victim in his grandiose of lying scheme and the truth is I still want to know why he had to lie to me?? Why?? I still want to know why he could be so mean, cold and heartless to me and accused me for things I didn’t do. It is really hard for me to just let go, forget and move on from the accusation because it doesn’t only hurts me deeply but also changed some parts of the core me!! I haven’t heard anyone in my entire life and I definitely didn’t deserve the accusation thrown at me by him. I want to see him again and thrash things out because I want to ask him what do I gain from doing what he accused me of doing??? He knows clearly all I ever wanted from him was to be with him, so why would I be so stupid to do something so devilish to lose him from my life???? Why?? I really wanted to ask him that question and many others. I wanted answers and I still want it now.

A part of me will always want to seek the answers and the truth until the day I die. It is what I want and probably the main reason why I’m still unable to stop thinking about him and sometimes replaying our past. No one can fully understands how I feel unless you have been wrongly accused too by the one you used to love and trust without a doubt. I had admired, respected and trusted him for 10 years. He was my ideal man! I already liked him on 1st sight and never stopped even when we lost contact a few times in the 10 years period. You wouldn’t be able to imagine my happiness when he 1st told me he loved me!! I never thought he would fell in love with me because I dare not hoped. But when he did, I was ecstatic and couldn’t believed it. I really couldn’t believed it, but it was the happiest day of my life. I really thought we had a chance to be together because of what he told me about his marriage via his emails, whatsapps and most importantly in person. I could felt his pain and sadness. That couldn’t be faked (at least I didn’t think it was possible back then), but boy I was wronged!!

I waited so long for him to love me so why would I do anything to destroy it. Yes, towards the end we agreed to be friend and put an end to our lovership, but that didn’t mean I had stopped loving him. I just said what he wanted to hear so that he would feel better to continue our friendship. I would do everything to keep him in my life so why would I do something so devilish and stupid to push him out of my life 😢😢???

Past 18 months hadn’t been easy for me. The road to recovery and healing didn’t happen until after my birthday trip to Rhodes, Greece this August. I’m definitely in a much better place now than before my trip, but a small part of me still unable to let go. I tried. God knows how hard I tried, but I haven’t succeeded yet. Sigh. I know I sounded like a broken record, but I really don’t want to keep my feelings to myself. I want to share openly because pouring out my feelings allow me to understand my feelings, thinkings and myself better.

Is not easy to be so raw and vulnerable, but I have to if I ever want to heal properly. I don’t know if I would ever forget him. Sometimes I think I might still love him, but I shut that love feeling off by thinking negatively about him. I know I shouldn’t have any feeling left for him, but I do. The consolation is I’m able to control it and it doesn’t affects me as much as it did previously. The feeling didn’t linger long as I could quashed it pretty quickly. So wasn’t too bad.

And yes, I still wonder how is he doing now? Do I pop into his mind occasionally? Good or bad doesn’t matter because I can’t stop how he thinks of me. He didn’t give me a chance to explain why I said what I said and he didn’t bother to find out the truth. He just assumed and accused which were what he usually did in the past even before the shit hit the fan!

I wish he read my blog because then there is a remote chance he might understands how his accusation has hurt me so deeply that it still haunts me until today. If I get to say 1 thing to him today, it will be “Can We Talk??”

p.s. Countless times I wanted to write a letter to him, but I didn’t. Why? Because I don’t want to torture myself wondering if he receives my letter and if yes, did he reads it or throws it away or how he will he reacts? Another reason is I know writing will not helps to clear the air. Only face to face meeting will allows us to be totally open and honest with each other. No hiding at all. So either we get to meet in person or I just have to learn to accept the fact that I will never have a chance to find out the truth and tell the truth. If that’s how God wants it to be, then I will just accept it. If that’s my destiny then I have to accept it. But I really hope 1 day we can get to sit down to talk and clear the air. I really do hope.

I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.

Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.

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