Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

I copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn’t something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I’m still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I’m not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn’t feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I’m learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

“You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous”

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Updates about Xavier & I

“I totally understand u”……said Xavier. He repeated it 3x to me when I explained to him why I needed to take a break from chatting with him. Finally, yesterday afternoon I explained to him clearly the reasons for my decision and also how he made me felt. And his replied was he understand me totally!!! Hmmmm…….does he really understands me??? Maybe!

He also told me that his dad poor health is affecting his mood as he is annoyed with everyone and almost anything nowadays and only he himself can settle it. Meaning only he himself can make himself snap out of the annoyance. I trust that his dad is ill and he is worried about his dad’s health, but I’m doubtful he doesn’t has other reason why he suddenly distance himself from our friendship. Anyway, I’m not sad about his decision as I have learned to accept the fact that people come and go. I have decided not to chase people and let them be.

I have also decided that I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other person puts in. Nothing more and nothin less. I won’t be the giver all the time. It has to be a balance. Actually, it was a good thing that Xavier acts the way he does now as it allows me to see another side of him that further confirmed the fact that it will be hard for me to be emotionally connected to him. I don’t think he knows how to deal with my emotional disclosure. As a friend I don’t expect anything from him so I’m ok with his lack of reactions to my feelings. I told him that I like him, but I’m not able to feel connected to him in the past 5 months. I was hoping that he could made me feel connected to him, but it never happened. He never asked me a single thing about me hence he doesn’t know much about me except what I chose to tell him. He has no in depth knowledge about who I’m at all because I didn’t volunteer any information. If he wants to know, he has to ask. If he doesn’t asks, then he won’t know as I won’t tell.

Nowadays, I have stopped volunteering info about myself. If someone wants to know me better, the person has to ask to show his/her interests in getting to know me. Otherwise what they get is just the surface me. I’m not willing to subject myself to be hurt again, especially by men. And Xavier just sucks as emotional connection. Well, thank god we are just friend and nothing more. And even more thankful is the fact that we didn’t get physical at all!! I didn’t even kiss him as I mentioned in my last post. That just showed that I wasn’t attracted to him romantically and physically. So I’m cool that we have this cool off period. If he reaches out after his dad’s surgery or any other time in the future, I will still reply as after all he is still a nice guy to have as a friend.

But as a potential lover, I doubt it will ever happen as he isn’t exactly my cup of tea unless he miraculously able to make me feel connected to him emotionally. I have my doubts. So for now I will just go with the flow and pay my attention back to my work as business is picking up and more exciting projects in the pipeline.

I shall update if I have any interesting development with Xavier, but don’t hold your breath as I don’t think so 😁! Goodnite world!

 

Mood Swings

I’m experiencing a very bad mood swing now and all I want to do is to be by myself so that I can take care of my own thoughts and emotions. I can feel the darkness lurking on the surface now and I’m doing everything in my power to control it. I don’t know what causes it as it started since yesterday evening. I did summer cleaning of my contact lists on my phone and deleted a fair bit of number for people that I don’t keep in touch anymore. And this afternoon I deleted my chat history with Xavier as I feel that I can’t trust him hence not sure if I still want to keep him as a friend. I’m deeply affected by my last experienced with Peter Wittendorp. Now I feel scare to open up myself to anyone, especially men as I worry I will be hurt. Even though they give me no reason to doubt them, I still do. If their actions don’t match their words, I will not hesitate to delete them from my life.

And I will only match their effort. I won’t go out of my limbs to reach out to them like I used to do so. If someone wants to be in my life, they will put in effort and time to show me. The excuses of being not free and etc are just a more polite way to tell me I’m not interested to keep the friendship alive or in me. Which is fine with me as long as they tell me and not waste my time. If they choose not to tell me, then I will take matters into my own hand and do what I think is best for me. I don’t care about other people feelings when they don’t care about mine.

Lack of effort is equivalent to lack of interest so why should I keep putting in effort and time when the other party isn’t doing so. I’m becoming very selfish nowadays after my last shitty experienced with Peter Wittendorp. He scars me and I don’t know when I will be able to recover and not feel scare at opening my heart again. At this moment I really feel like releasing another set of correspondences between me and Peter, but I’m controlling my urge by thinking positive thoughts. A few of my cores component have changed because of what Peter Wittendorp’s did to me.

When I thought I’m moving on, I would be hit by a bout of intense mood swings that were caused by the fear of being hurt again. The inability to trust without a doubt just makes me feel sad and unhappy. I know I shouldn’t let 1 bad experienced with 1 person to affect me so much, but it did! I’m scare of getting attached and sharing my feelings openly. The moment I see their words and actions don’t match up, I cut them loose even if it is just something small they didn’t do as they said they would. I just don’t want to subject myself to the same experienced again.

I wish I’m a bitch because then I will go all out to seek my revenge on the man who hurt me so badly and deeply. And left a permanent scar on my heart. I’m determine to regain back my old self, but it is definitely taking much longer than I thought. Anyway, what I can do now is just to stay away from people, especially Xavier when I’m in this state of bad mood swing. I’m not sure if I will still reach out to him after I feel better. I really don’t know what I will do yet. All I care about now is getting myself into a zen state of mind so that I can keep the darkness at bay and not envelope me.

I’m going to do some yoga now to relax and clear my mind……

 

Xavier

I mentioned about Xavier in my previous posts, but not in details. I’m going to write about him in this post. I have been chatting with Xavier for a few months and met him about 5 weeks ago. He is a nice and good guy. Sometimes our chats were fun but sometimes it were boring. He had taught me a fair bit about airline practices and flying. He had shared a lot of funny tales about his work and people he works with. He had shown me some very amazing and stunning pictures he took from the cockpit. I was able to see the world through his photos.

I like him, but the connection isn’t there yet. He doesn’t knows much about me as he doesn’t really asks me questions and I didn’t feel like volunteering. Not sure why he doesn’t asks and I didn’t bother asking him why too. He did asked me if I want to go holiday with him and I didn’t say yes or no. I’m still considering his suggestion, but I’m not leaning towards a yes as I really don’t feel any chemistry with him. Hence I’m taking things slow. I don’t want to mislead him into thinking I like him in a romantic way when I aren’t. I want to spend a bit more time to get to know him and see if we can build the chemistry or not. I don’t mind hanging out with him when he is in KL, but it won’t be anything physical because he doesn’t appeals to me physically (at least not yet).

His dad is diagnosed with cancer hence he has been busy taking his dad to hospital and spending time with his family so we aren’t chatting that much for the last few weeks. I’m ok with it as I understand how stressful it is for him and his family. He loves his dad a lot. A filial son. Do I miss him during this time? Hmmmm………..maybe a bit as I was so used to him chatting with me almost daily, sending pics of himself and updating me what he was doing or going to do. But last few weeks it stopped after his dad condition isn’t great. He did apologised for lack of communication and I’m actually cool with it.

Anyway, I’m not in a hurry to start a relationship as I prefer having him a friend at this moment. I think I will just keep the status quo for now and keep my option open. I never know what god has in store for me. Maybe I will meet my Mr Right in August when I go to Rhodes, Greece for my birthday retreat 😉. I’m hopeful and I believe that when the time is right I will meet the man for me. I just need to have faith.

So for now I will just enjoy my friendship with Xavier.

p.s. I spent 8 hours, starting from 4pm to mid nite and yet I didn’t feel like kissing him. In fact, I was kinda irritated towards the end that he didn’t want to leave even though he was super tired and tipsy. Plus he had to fly the next day. At the end of the night, I just called him a Uber and asked the bodyguard to escort him to the lobby and into the Uber car while I continued to party with my friends at Arena. I spent 8 hours with a man (happy hour, dinner and followed by more drinking at Arena) and yet I didn’t want to kiss him at all just speaks volume about how attracted was he to me. I never had this problem with Peter Wittendorp. I didn’t want my nights with Peter to end at all. I wanted him to be with me as long and as much as possible.

I realised that I couldn’t open up to Xavier and share my thoughts and feelings with him like I did with Peter Wittendorp. I just feel that it will be tough for me to have a deep mental and emotional connection with Xavier. I tried my best to open up to him and share more about myself, but I just couldn’t. He gives me the feeling that it will be hard for us to click and connect on the same wavelength as I did with Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, I have decided not to put so much effort into trying with Xavier. Is either you have chemistry or you don’t. And I guess our chemistry will never be there. So will just leave it as it is and be friends.

Peter Wittendorp Smses to me…..

These SMSes were referring to the conversation we had when Peter Wittendorp told me he had agreed to let ‘her’ check his phone and computer anytime she wanted to do so. I remember clearly as I was driving and when I heard what he told me I was very upset and angry and I cut off our conversation. Subsequently, he tried to call back several times, but I never answered as I was trying to control my tears and was super angry.

He also told me that he told her that he had to inform me of his decision too as he felt I needed to know. Honestly I was confused why I needed to know. I asked him did he want me to stop texting him, if so, just tell me there and then. I further ask him did he want our friendship to end? He said no. But I told him, she would eventually requests that he gave up our friendship as the next step. Might as well end it now (n that was when I put down the phone, he called back several times and subsequent messages as follows)

 

By the time I calmed down enough and called him back, it was around late afternoon as I was leaving office. He told me he just called to tell her (his wife) that his phone was his privacy and he wouldn’t let her check and read the messages. At least that was what he told me over the phone. Of course, I was happy when I heard that but I was also confused why he was willing to do that for me.

Sometimes his actions confused me. Anyway, it was the past. I’m writing it down now because I’m experiencing a flashed back and only by writing it down I can expunge any feelings arising from this flashed back.

I swear that was the conversation we had. I will only write facts and the truth even if the truth hurts me. Only the truth will set me free. What people think of me after reading about my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I don’t care. If I care, I wouldn’t had posted so much. I didn’t do it to revenge. I did it because I want to stop feeling victimised.

No one will understand how I felt for the past 1 year when I was struggling to regain my core self. Anyway, there will be more posts to come.

My past struggles…..

I realised now that emotional struggle was the most detrimental to my health as it affected me mentally and physically. When nursing my broken heart and recovering from the hurt, the 1 question that got replayed like a broken record was, WHY ME?? I was constantly looking for answers to all the questions I had for him, but were never truthfully and honest explained to me. My trust system was utterly shattered into pieces, like a broken glass. I know for a fact that I will never be able to trust another man like I did before. I grew up in a broken family and it took me a long time to learn to trust people unguardedly, but because of a selfishness of a married man he destroyed my trust system to the core.

If that wasn’t enough I had to deal with the baseless accusation and my mind just totally shutdown. My brain and heart couldn’t accept the fact that the man I thought I knew well and understand 90% could turned out to be a monster. I was struggling to accept the fact that I didn’t know him at all. Looking back now I just feel like I’m the biggest blinded fool!

Although I’m moving on and living a good life, a small part of me is still struggling to forgive myself for my foolishness and stupidity. For falling in love with a man who set out to play with my heart from the day he walked back into my life with no intention of divorcing the wife, but implied he would (both in writing and verbal, even though I never asked him to do so). It was a big fat lie to get me to believe and fall for him. If he had told me from day 1 that we would just be sexual lover or FWB, I wouldn’t had fell in love with him. He was cruel and evil. I wasn’t delusional or imaginary. I could felt his sadness and unhappiness oozing out from every pores of his body when he told me she cheated on him in person in HK. How would I had guessed it was all a big fat lie. Script writer, director, actor, producer…..all was HIM!

No one can imagine the struggles I had to experience and go thru after the aftermath! Not to mention that I was trolled online too. In the last message I read online (a few months ago when I was googling myself) I finally figured out the troll identity because the troll accused me of something I didn’t do. The troll was the wife! I wouldn’t had guessed she was the troll if she didn’t post her comment pretending to be my friend, with my name spelled out clearly. What the troll didn’t know was none of my friends know about the fact that I’m being trolled online. I didn’t tell anyone as I don’t want them to worry and I don’t want to explain what happened. They just knew I had a 2 year of tumultuous relationship with him. Also, my friends will never use the name the troll use online. The troll also threw in a few malay words that I don’t understand at all as my Malay is poor. I barely passed my Malay exam paper with a C6 credit during my Form 5 high school examination.

I was tempted to expose her identity there and then with her full name spell out clearly, but then I decided to let it go as I didn’t find a need to engage in such a lowly behaviour with a troll. The words she used to accuse me wasn’t a reflection of me, but herself. Only a lowly person could used those words and made baseless accusation. So why should I waste my time and energy to engage with such a lowly woman and a troll. I used to feel sorry for her as she was a victim too, but not anymore.

Anyway, I just want peace in my life. I don’t want to start a war. The troll is set out to get me. I’m beginning to think that she might be the mastermind behind all the crazy posts posted online. But I have no proof as I don’t have the money (even if I do, I won’t) to hire IT forensics to investigate the matter. That was 1 of the triggering point that led me to decide to post all the SMSes that I still had with me to proof my side of the story. A picture paint a thousand words.

In the past, I was adamant to clear my name from his accusation because it was important to me to have his trust, but not anymore. He started this shit storm, he was the root of all these trolling and turmoil in my life, but yet he had the balls to point his dirty fingers at me. The wife is trolling me and yet he didn’t do anything to stop her disgusting behaviour. To be honest, I found out about it a few months back and I was struggling internally to write about it or not as I just want to move on with my life. But then I decided to write it out to get rid of my feeling of injustice.

All of us have our own set of struggles to overcome. It is part of life. How we choose to overcome it is the most important factor. Admitting our struggles is the 1st step to overcoming it. I find it therapeutic to pour out my feelings in writing. It is my way of getting rid of those toxics from my system. I don’t want to lie. Occasionally he still pops into my mind, but I shut it down quickly as I don’t want to think about him anymore. I don’t want to deal with my feelings and thoughts for him anymore. I just want the past to be the past. I no longer hope and wish that we could sit down one day and talk things over. Adele’s song, “Hello” will never apply to me and him.

My biggest struggle is the fact that I might not love another man as deeply as I had loved him. The emotional and mental damages caused by him left me with permanent scars. No one knows the struggles I had to go through daily just to keep living and functioning. Some parts of the core me have been changed and he is the root caused of it.  If he had explained honestly and apologised sincerely I would had been able to move on and forget him quickly. Not knowing the truth on why he had to create such a big fat lie to cheat and his accusations just made me felt lost and confused. My mind kept going back in circles trying to look for answers which I will never be able to find.

I struggled to put all that behind me, but occasionally my mind would still wander to try to find answers. The truth will set me free, but unfortunately it is something that I won’t get at all. I had to learn to let go at my own terms and timing. I figure if he didn’t care about my well being, I shouldn’t too. After all, every person is selfish and I need to do what’s best for me to move on and forget him. And knowing the fact that he hates me to his core allows me to think negatively of him and get rid of all the positive feelings I had for him. I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him deeply, but I’m glad I wasn’t anymore.

Anyway, I better end this post. Ciao.

Dino, my good friend

Lately, I chatted more frequently with an old friend of mine whom I have known for 15 years. I nicknamed him Dino and had also wrote about him in the past in a few of my posts. I never thought that we are still friends after all these years, especially after what happened during our last met up in SG about 10 years or so ago (SG is a curse for me. PERIOD). We actually lost touched for a few years until Dino reached out to me again. I was surprised that he still has my mobile number after all these years. I have been using the same number for over 15 years. But that doesn’t mean everyone will keep my number. Anyway I’m glad and happy he did.

Since then we stayed in touch, but not as frequently as the past 1 year. He was my 1st crush in my mid 20s. Yup! When I was still young and innocent. Haha. Oops, he will probably says he won’t use innocent to describe me (many friends had told me that. haha). I was inexperienced back then as I just joined the real estate industry and hadn’t achieved anything big yet although I was doing decently well financially.  And I was also a rising star in the old company. I never thought Dino would be attracted to me, let alone flirted with me during our few days conference. He lives in HCMC and still is. But we haven’t seen each other since the incident in SG that happened at least a decade ago.

I invited him to come to KL to visit me numerous time, but he never did although he said he would. So I just leave it. If he ever makes it to KL, that will be great. If he doesn’t, is ok too. So what were chatting about? Some unimportant stuffs. I told him I was feeling tired and needed a massage badly. And as usual, when I chatted with people who are on the same wavelength as me, conversation just flow easily and filled with jokes and laughters. I don’t ask a lot from my friends or even the man I like, I just want to experience a connection with them. But I realise it is getting harder to come by nowadays.

I’m a certified sapiosexual (another post for this topic 😜). I asked Dino if he heard of this word before and he said no and asked me what it means? I explained to him and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is usual as sometimes we ended our chats without a goodbye. Haha. When I was super busy, I didn’t even bother to reply him at all and vice versa. I’m cool with it as we are just good friends and nothing more. Therefore no expectations at all. Both of us are grateful and glad that we are still good friends after all these years. He hurt me too, but he apologised in person and explained to me why he did what he did and I forgave him after his honest confession. It happened a long time ago and although I can still remember the details, but I will not bring up the incident anymore as it was the past.

All I want to say is that I’m happy to have Dino as a friend and after all these years are friendship is still alive and active. I enjoy his friendship and hope it will last till our death. Haha. I will tell him this tomorrow and see what he has to say. Is always nice to have someone who can read my mind and also flirt tastefully. Haha.

Till the next update…..