Demon in us

I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, “there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it”. What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren’t born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn’t up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.

I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn’t do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn’t hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn’t stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn’t do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren’t and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don’t feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn’t care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn’t deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn’t hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn’t like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don’t want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn’t want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn’t have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I’m very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don’t feel the darkness in me anymore. I don’t have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don’t even want to mention his name further because I don’t want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don’t turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I’m very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I’m able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I’m happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don’t wish him dead anymore, but I also can’t bring myself to wish him well because I don’t feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn’t mean I want to wish him well. I haven’t forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn’t consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven’t forgotten yet. And I don’t think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it. (Peter Wittendorp’s Accused His Wife Cheated on Him) . Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn’t be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha……

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I’m not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I’m who I’m. And I don’t need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn’t, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too!

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Narcissist Mum

About 45mins ago, while having my dinner and reading on my iPad, a text popped up very unexpectedly and it was from my narcissist mum!! I was surprised to read her message as I haven’t spoken to her for minimum 6 years and I intend to keep it status quo. When I checked my phone, I saw a missed call from the same number as the text. She always changed her phone number hence every time she reached out I had to block her new number again. And this was what I did tonight when I saw her missed call and text.

She doesn’t write good English so the text she sent to me she must had gotten helps from someone. She asked me to forgive her for what happened between us 6 years ago. Well, she chose $$$ over me 6 years ago and had agreed to terminate our mother-daughter relationship so she can’t take back her words now. I have forgiven her, but I don’t want her back into my life. Bottomline I don’t want to have anything to do with her irregardless if it is a matter of life or death!! I have already written her off from my life and I have accepted the fact that I will never speak to her again, which is very fine by me.

Her existence is irrelevant to me anymore. I gave her so  many chances and yet she never changed. There is a limit to how many chances a person should get irregardless who they are in your life, even if they are your parents. At this stage of my life, I want to avoid conflicts and dramas as I want to have a stress free and a peace of mind. She is a narcissist because everything is about her. She is destructive to anyone who is good to her.

It is her pattern to reach out to me during holiday seasons or Chinese New Year as she hopes I will allow her back into my life like I used to do so. She still thinks a simple sorry is all it takes for me to welcome back into my life. She doesn’t understand or maybe she doesn’t wants to accept the fact that this time I’m dead serious when I told her I will severe our mother-daughter relationship. I have forgiven her, but I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. She is just a stranger to me. I don’t give a rat shit if she is dead or alive. Basically, I don’t want to hear from her and more importantly, I don’t want to have anything to do with her. Period!!

I told my brother and he agreed with me that the reason she reached out is most likely she needs cash again. I think my brother still gives her money occasionally and that’s all the extent of their relationship. He doesn’t talks to her anymore too. She will call my brother’s PA if she needs anything from my brother. I felt sorry and sad for her that she lost her kids over money. But it was her choice, so she can’t turn back now and hope everything will be good again and that we will take care of her. I won’t take care of her and nothing anyone says will change my mind because I won’t change my mind. You can say I’m heartless and cold-hearted, which I don’t give a damn.

I wouldn’t be heartless and cold-hearted towards her if she didn’t treat me badly. I thought I might be a bit sad or upset writing this post, but I didn’t feel any of the negatives feeling so all is good. Anyway, is my choice to severe our relationship and I will not regret it at all.

Enough about my narcissist mum!

2 hours indoor rock climbing private lessons

I have decided to renew another 10 private sessions of indoor rock climbing and this time I will sign up for 2 hours session per class. It will starts next Wednesday. I’m falling in love with this sport. And I bought a pair of shoes so that I don’t need to rent anymore. I decided to sign up for the 2 hours session because I want to build up my endurance and stamina quicker. I’m still a novice climber after 8 sessions of 1 hour lesson because I don’t practice after my lessons. I should and I want to, but practicing alone is very boring. I don’t have friends who share my hobby at all.  Therefore I have decided to take a 2 hours session instead.

Sometimes I was pissed off with my instructor because she would never let me come down even though I exhausted myself and couldn’t climb up anymore. She kept pushing me and encouraging me to complete the route. Which frustrated me sometimes when I couldn’t complete the climb. I couldn’t complete because I was scared to let go and grab the next hold. I was scared that my face would hit the wall. It might happen, but very minimal chance. Bottomline I was scared to let go. It was a mental barrier than a physical inability although physically I’m weak too. But the actual truth is I was scared to let go and I’m working hard to overcome this state of fear. And to be honest, I’m grateful to my instructor, Ana, for pushing me to complete and never gives up.

I never give up so easily in business, so I shouldn’t give up too easily in rock climbing too. It might take me awhile to overcome my fear, but I will conquer it. I need to learn fast and work harder so that I can tone up quicker too. Haha. Actually, I need to lose some belly fat that I accumulated over the last few months due to eating and my laziness to exercise 😆😆😆!

I will know how I fair next week once I start my 2 hours session class. Hehe. Will share more then. Cheers for now….Happy weekend!

Bali trip canceled

I had to cancel my year end trip to Bali (which was supposed to be next week) due to the Mt Agong volcano situation. I really wanted to take this last break in 2017 and work on my tan so that I can start 2018 with a healthy tan and recharge mindset. But unfortunately nature has a different plan so the only thing I can do is to cancel my trip and rescheduled it to end of February 2018. W Bali allowed me to change dates and honouring the same rate I had paid. I’m just wondering what if the rate drops next year, will I be able to ask for a refund for the excess I had paid for. haha. Will asks when it happens.

As for my air-ticket with Malaysia Airline, I decided to get a refund simple because the airline wanted to charge me an extra RM600+ for the price difference. Seriously a joke. I might get a cheaper ticket next year hence I chose to get a refund, but I have to wait between 3 weeks to 3 months before I can get back my money. Sigh….a very inefficient MAS. No wonder the airline is in the red!! If I have a choice I wouldn’t choose this airline at all. Anyway, I guess on a positive note is the fact that I will get back full refund, just a matter of time.

The downside is I don’t know where to go for my last break of the year? I don’t want to go Thailand as my heart isn’t telling me to go there. I don’t feel like going to HK or Macau too. I guess it is a bit too late to plan. I don’t want to play extra because of the holiday seasons. I need to watch my financial a bit as I’m quite cash strap. Until I replenish my cash to a healthy level, I won’t be able to splurge as I used to do so. It makes me a tad unhappy because I used to spend without having to watch my cash too much. Nowadays I need to make sure I have enough cash to pay off my bills. Sigh.

Lesson learned is to never become too greedy when investing!! But then again, I will still invest as I think this is 1 of the quickest way to grow my wealth. Although I have to bear with my current financial situation. Is ok, 2018 will be a great year for me again. I just need to bear for a few more months before my financial is back to a healthy level and I can start spending again. Hehe.

So without a destination in mind for my last year end break, I have decided to stay in KL.

 

 

Will I say HELLO??

Gin asked me will I say hello to him if 1 day I bump into him? I told her I don’t know what I will do if that day does happens because it all depends on the situation, my feeling  at that time and whom I’m with. And honestly I don’t want to overthink on a hypothetical scenario simply because I really don’t know what I will do at that precise moment. If he says hello 1st, I will definitely return the hello. But if he doesn’t, will I make the 1st move?? The answer is I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Another reason I don’t want to overthink is because I think the scenario that Gin asked me will never happen. How can I be so sure? Haha….guts feeling I guess.

Anyway……if it happens then I will decide what to do at that moment. So for now there is no concrete decision to a hypothetical scenario.

Bangkok Break (24-26 Nov 2017)

Last night in Bangkok. Arrived yesterday (24 Nov 2017) and leaving tomorrow (26 Nov 2017). Staying at Siam Kempinski. This trip is a short break and shopping trip with Gin, my gf. Is darn tiring as we spent long hours shopping and walking.

Now we are waiting for Uber to go to Rod Fai night market! Been waiting for 30mins already although it said he is only 5 mins away. When I ordered the Uber ride it was 6.08pm and 9mins away. Now 6.36pm and 4mins away!! Bangkok traffic is horrendous. A supposing 9mins distance. Crazy!! Finally inside the car and otw to Rod Fai night market.

I bought a lot of tops. Not expensive but nice designs. For daily wear. I’m not brand conscious when it comes to clothes. It sure feels good to wear a designer brand but it doesn’t adds to my self worth. Beside I don’t like to spend my clothes for dry cleaning as it is too troublesome. Hence I usually buy non-branded clothes to wear. I’m a simple person who isn’t brand conscious. And nowadays I will be only dress up when there is an event. Otherwise I prefer comfortable clothes.

This 2nd part is written in a plane as I’m flying back to KL now. The short break and shopping had come to an end so is time to go back to work. Next week should be an interesting week with 3 meetings schedule.

This trip was tiring on my feet as I walked a lot! Every night I needed to soak my feet in hot water to soothe the tiredness. And I ate a fair bit so need to start dieting when I’m back in KL. I have a tummy now 😭😭! Need to get back my flat stomach. We went back to the same local Thai restaurant for lunch 2 days in a row – Taling Pling (restaurant name). The food were yummy and reasonably price.

My verdict of this trip ….hmm, Siam Kempinski is an overrated hotel that isn’t worth the rate they are charging. It is an old and tired hotel that can use a refurbishment. The location is excellent, but not enough to make me want to return to stay again. The customer service was not on par with 5 stars luxury at all. I had problem with the TV in my room for the 2 nights I stayed there. Even after fixing, there were still issues. Pretty annoying to be honest. But I didn’t let it spoilt my holiday. Just don’t think is worth the price I paid for it and definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. And housekeeping standard sucks….on my 1st night I could see the floor was dusty. I expected it to be in tip top condition but it wasn’t. So not happy with that. At best I will rate Siam Kempinski 4 stars. That’s my verdict for the hotel. From the limited photos I took, you can draw the conclusion that the hotel is just normal and nothing to shout about. If it is a great hotel I would had taken a lot more photos. Haha.

As for the trip itself…….not bad overall as I had eaten some delicious local Thai food, bought some inexpensive tops and accessories. But it would be much better if Gin was less budget conscious. Having said that I have to give her a big thumb up for agreeing to stay at Siam Kempinski as it was more expensive than her usual budget. But then she did complaining non-stop too that it was expensive and next time must stay in cheaper hotel. The fact was I asked her if she was ok with the hotel and budget and she said yes. Then she repeated a few times that the hotel too expensive. Sigh. I gave her the chance to say no and even suggest other hotels, but she said go ahead. So I did. Anyway, it wasn’t too unbearable so it didn’t affect me at all. And she can eat a lot so was kinda nice as we ordered many dishes to try. Haha.

Shopping in Bangkok was really fun as I managed to find good quality bargains and there were sale everywhere. So plenty of choices to choose from. I will post some photos of my loots as well 😉😀.

We talked, but not deep talked as when we were in Bali. This trip she talked about her kids more and I was fine with it. What I didn’t find fine was when she commented that she will just bear with her life even though she feels trap in it! This is something I can’t accept. I’m not asking her to have an exciting life, but at least not waste it away by just accepting the current situation. Fix it! She knows there are issues in her marriage, but she doesn’t wants to talk to her husband about it. And her hubby also doesn’t initiate the talk so both of them ignore the issues and continue living a life that isn’t a fulfilling marital life. Sexless for over 9 years!!! Crazy and unbelievable. Her husband is really weird. I seriously couldn’t understand how they could live a life like that??

Oh well, is her choice so I’m not going to say too much but respect her choice even though I feel that she isn’t living her life to the fullest. Everyone of us have our own destiny and path to follow so it isn’t my place to tell her how to live her life.

So my final verdict on this trip……a good trip although tiring.

A little bit about “Me”

November is a slow month. No meetings schedule till next week. Been sitting at home waiting for decisions from Developers. Really bored. So today decided to have a late lunch at LeBar Sofitel KL as I want to get out of the house. Been holed up in the house for the entire week except went out for groceries shopping. Ordered food delivery hence didn’t need to go out for food too. Hahaha.

I literally sat at home and played game to prevent my brain from thinking too much. I’m also trying not to do to many soul searching thinking as I did a lot of that in the past 1.5 years and I’m sure I know myself much more deeply now. I don’t want to plan too far ahead as I don’t know what is around the corner waiting for me. There are things I want to achieve in life and I’m working very hard to achieve my goals. Basically, I need to rebuild my financial nest. Once my financial is back to a stable and healthy level I will be able to embark on my colourful life journey again. I have to temporary slow it down because I have a fair bit of financial obligations that I need to fulfill and without a steady flow or a large chunk of income stream going into my bank account, I can’t freely embark on my colourful life journey. Is kinda frustrating sometimes as I can’t go out and do what I want to, but I have to be patient because I put myself in this predicament by investing too much properties when the market was booming and now I’m stuck with properties that I can’t sell yet and took too long to rent it out. So it burnt a hole in my bank account. Plus a huge chunk of my cash is stuck in stock market as I can’t sell the shares I bought at the peak because the prices are super low now. So have to wait for it to climb back to a healthy level before I cash out. And I hadn’t worked for almost 3 years and living on my savings so depleting my bank account further. And although I started working again last year, the salary I received was way too pathetic that it wasn’t even enough to cover my condo monthly instalment. I did closed a few deals, but only enough to help em to cover my living expenses. At least it helps to pay bills, but definitely not enough to allow me to indulge in the type of colourful life journey that I was used to. Temporary setback until I get my financial back on track.

So now what I have to do is work hard and work smart to build up my financial again. I have a strong feeling that 2018 will be a great year for me. Once my financial is back to a healthy level, I will relook into going back to university for my MBA in psychology. It has always been my wish to go back to graduate school for this subject. Human behaviour is an interesting subject for me to analyse and explore. I wished I took up psychology during my undergraduate rather than business management and marketing. Anyway, it isn’t too late for me to pursue this subject. At least now, I study for fun and not to get a job so the pressure is off to deliver good grades. Haha. Anyway, I was an alright student seeing that I rarely study except 1 week before the exam. My overall GPA was 3.5 so ain’t too bad. I would say I’m a street smart person more than book smart although I like to read a lot. Just not educational materials. Haha.

I’m a rebellious kid since I was young being the eldest not only in my family, but in the entire clan too. So I got pampered a lot even though I grew up in a broken family. My grandma (dad’s side) not only loved me a lot, but she pampered and spoiled me to the maximum. Although I had a few years of very sad and dark childhood, I still grew up alright because of my grandma. I loved her loads, but when I was younger I didn’t show her my love enough and definitely didn’t know how to appreciate her until much later in life which was already too late as she passed away almost 15 years. She didn’t get to see my success today. If she is still around today I’m sure she will be very proud of me. I miss her. I miss my grandma. Without her unwavering love and support I wouldn’t be who I’m today. I owe part of what I own today to my grandma. She didn’t only give me love, attention, but she also supported my financially when my dad was poor and couldn’t support me. And I don’t remember thanking my grandma properly. I think there were many moments that I found her annoying and irritating. I was very impatient with her as she got older and slower in her movements. I also didn’t spend enough time with her when she was alive. Now that I’m writing about my grandma, I’m feeling sad as I didn’t spend enough time with her before she passed away. And I didn’t say a proper thank you and goodbye to her. I think I will do it now.

“Ma Ma, thank you for your love, care and support for me when I was growing up. You were my anchors. Without you, I might not have achieved so much in life and be who I’m today. You will always be in my heart. And I’m sorry for not being a better granddaughter. I miss you a lot 😘😘. I hope you are happy where you are now. I’m sure you are in heaven. I love you always”

I’m feeling emotional now. And I’m sobbing while writing the above. I’m still sitting in LeBar in Sofitel and trying to hold back my tears. Haha.

I grew up in a broken family and had experienced 1st hand being neglected by my parents. My mum was because she had me when she was too young and just never grew up. My dad was because he had to work to support the family so always not around as he was a traveling salesman then. My dad still travels a lot now, but it doesn’t bothers me anymore as I’m a grown woman now. I never experienced growing up in a loving and intact family so it created a problem for me when I was growing up because I became insecure. I seek attention and associated to getting attention as getting love. Even until I was in my mid-30s’, I was still insecure and always wanting attention. I only managed to find inner peace and accepted myself 100% about 5 years ago. I’m still work in progress, but I’m in a better place now than I was 5 years ago and definitely better than I was last year after the bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp. That changed me even though I didn’t want to admit, but it did changed me. I’m not sure if my changes are good for me in the long-term yet as I’m still improving on myself. But for now, I like who I’m becoming into after the shitty experienced. I didn’t deserve what Peter Wittendorp did to me before, during and after.

Anyway, I will let bygone be bygone.

Oh well, I better stop here as I want to head home now……Happy Sunday everyone!!