I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.


Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.


After 20 months…..

Finally, rented out my unit in Banyan Tree after 20 months of trying to sell. Allotted 1 year to sell and another 8 months to rent. There were a few offered for rental and almost concluded a deal in mid July, but it fell through when the couple from UK became uncompromising and demanding. They were willing to pay RM7k per month for fully furnished. I agreed to it and allocated RM5k to buy the furniture. The wife wanted to see the colours and etc so I sent her the pictures my biz partner took. It looks good to me. But the wife of the potential renter didn’t like the colours and wanted to choose the colours and again we agreed. I told them the budget and where we shopped so off they went to look for furniture they wanted.

And that was the caused of why the deal fell through. The wife complaint the mattress was too soft and wanted a harder one. And her request didn’t stop there. She wanted me to increase the budget to RM7k for her to buy the furniture she liked!! When the agent told me that I was really pissed off as I had stated clearly I didn’t want to furnish it as my intention is to sell the unit. Rental is just a temporary measure only. I told the agent to give them a choice – either take it without furnishing at RM6.5k or RM7.2k per month and she can get RM7k budget for the furniture. I was willing to compromise halfway if they are willing to do so. But they weren’t so the deal fell through.

There were 2-3 more potential offered, but in the end they chose other units as they are plenty of choices. I began to worry especially in the month of September as it was really quiet with no viewings of my unit at all. I went to temple to pray to ask for blessing to rent out my unit in October and I got it. Although the rental is only RM6k (I wanted RM6.5k lowest) and I still need to install the lightings and curtains, but the consolation is the tenant will pay 6 months rental advance. So at least I don’t need to worry about chasing for rental for 6 months and I can use the money to pay for the curtains and lightings instead of using my own money. I will be using the money to pay for the outstanding service charges + sinking fund too. Give me some breathing room in my bank account.

I’m aiming to sell the unit for RM2.9 to RM3mil or else it won’t justify my holding cost. I think if the market recovers I should be able to sell even higher. Well, at least I don’t need to worry for 1 year 1st and anything can change in a year. Who knows 😊?

Finally, 1 headache less although I still need to top up almost 45% every month to pay the loan instalment and service charge + sinking fund, but at least the bleeding is lesser. So is a good news! And the agent did a good job too. He was smart to convince the tenant to pay me 6 months advance rental as a catch for the low rent because if not I wouldn’t agree to it. Is a trade off and given the current market condition, isn’t too bad.

The last headache I needed to take care off is the shops I own in Ipoh. This property is burning a big hold in my bank account and almost bleeding me dry!! Really have to sell it asap. Will pray again and ask for blessing 😊! Haha.

At last…..I’m slowly tidying up loose ends in my life and getting rid of headache issues. Thank god!!



License to Climb

Yesterday morning I dragged my butts out of the bed at 8.45am to go to attend the 4 hours basic wall course for indoor rock climbing at Camp5, BU. I almost wanted to cancel as I was very tired and lazy to get out of bed, but I told myself I need to be disciplined and attend the class or else I won’t be able to take private lessons starting October. As mentioned in my previous post, I have decided to take up indoor rock climbing as my new hobby and a new sport. Is actually a good exercise as it works the whole body muscles, helps to build strength and tone up my physique. It will also allows me to distress and train my mental focus as I can’t think of anything except how to climb my way to the top. Haha.

It was a small group – 5 of us only (max is 12. min 4 for a class to be confirmed) . 1st part lasted 2 hours and I learned a little bit more about rock climbing such as the tools we are going to use to help us to climb safely, how to belay, how to tie a double 8 knot, the safety aspects and the 2 golden rules in rock climbing – “never let go of the rope no matter what’. Unfortunately, I forgot the other golden rule. My bad. I will ask my instructor next week when I meet her for my 1st lesson with her.

We were given a 30 mins break before the 2nd session starts. Another 2 hours. And in this last part of the session, we were given the opportunities to belay and climb different rocks formation. We started with the easy route and I managed to climb both times to the top and I belayed 2x too. Belaying is very tiring and can be roughed on the hands too as I had to keep pulling and feeding the rope during ascent and descent. There are 5 steps in belaying and most important of all is no matter what happened I MUSTN’T let go of the rope or else my partner might be injured.

I tried bouldering too and it was fun. Bouldering is not more than 20 feet high and don’t need to use a rope to climb. But it requires a spotter to watch out for the climber and to make sure that if the climber fall down he/she will be safe. Again, I climbed 2x successfully. Definitely, I would said my strength was so much better this time around compared to the 1st time I tried about 8 months ago. I’m proud of myself and although it weren’t much an achievement to successfully climbed to the top 4x, I was still happy and proud of my little progress. I know that if I practice regularly, I will grow stronger physically and gain more strength. Not to mention that I will have a nice tone body. Haha.

After the completion of the class, we were given a certificate to confirm that we are capable to do solo climbing (except Elite Level and above). Our certificate is also recognised worldwide apparently. All I have to do is to take a photo of the certificate and show it when I want to do indoor climbing in any camps located around the world. At least that was what the instructor told us when he handed us the certificate. I will ask again when I want to try other gyms in other countries (not sure when yet). Haha. I have acquired the “license to climb”. Once I become a better climber, I will challenge myself to climb using only 1 color of holds and the wall. I know it will be very tough, but I will try it!!

My arms and shoulder blades are sore, but is bearable. I actually feel accomplished and am looking forward to the private lessons I’m going to take starting next Wednesday. I think I will sign up for 8 classes 1st. If I like it, I will sign up more later.

When I was younger, I didn’t have the chance to pursue all these activities and I also didn’t think I was brave enough to do it. But once I turned 40 years old, my mindset changed and I want to try more new challenging activities and sports. I saw a lot of people who went there alone and climbed on the auto walls when they didn’t need someone to belay for them. I will do that too once I have become a better climber 😀.

My goal is to be able to become an Elite climber. Wish me luck ok. Haha. (1 more checked for my bucket lists)

Don’t ever tell a woman to chill….

When a woman is pissed off, NEVER tells her to chill or relax or calm down because it will makes her more pissed off! At least it is the case with me. It annoys me to the maximum when my people tell me to chill or relax when I’m pissed off. If I have wanted to be chilled or relaxed, I wouldn’t be pissed off and ranting in the 1st place. When I expressed about the thing/issue that pissed me off openly on social platform, it is my way of letting off steam rather than keeping the unhealthy feelings inside me or ignores it!!

I noticed it is usually men who would tell a woman to chill or relax or calm down and move on. Women will give more sympathetic comments or supports than men. Women are more careful with their words as they understand when another woman is upset or pissed off, we don’t want to be told to chill or relax or calm down. Never ever uttered these words to a foul mood woman unless you want her to chew you alive. Hahaha. What  we want to hear from you is that you understand what we are feeling at the moment and shows your sympathy or compassion for us. You can even crack a joke, but it has to be a funny one that crack us up laughing as it will helps us to get back into a good mood quicker.

Men just don’t know how to appease an upset, angry or pissed off woman other than telling us to chill or relax or calm down! Haha. So men out there, please don’t tell a woman to chill or relax when she is pissed off or angry or upset or mad as it will makes her even more pissed off and this time it will be aimed at you rather than the thing/people who pissed her off in the 1st place. You will become a victim and she will lashes out at you. So the best way to handle a woman who is in a foul mood is better just to say “hey, i know you aren’t in the mood to talk, but I’m here so anytime you are ready I’m happy to listen”. That’s all I want to hear and it will definitely makes me calm down faster. Men, please be smart with your words choice ok! Please, please, avoid using words that will antagonise us further when we are already in a combat mode and ready to bite off someone’s head. Remember that 😂!


September lousy month

This month hasn’t been a lucky and favourable month for me. Too many of my deals, especially a big deal hits a snag simply because the Developer sings a different tune now compare to 1 month ago. Have been working on this deal since May 2017 and everything was going well and smoothly until end of August when it took on a different direction thanks to the sudden interests and involvement of the Chairman. Since May, we had been dealing with the Group CEO and he had given us not only his verbal agreement but also had asked his people to prepare the HOTs and and agreement for my client to sign.

On top of that, the Group CEO had also done up the show unit for my client to start selling. Seriously, it never crossed our mind that the deal will kaboom at this very late stage when my client has spent money on the marketing brochures and all the events are set to hit the market. Our last meeting with the Group CEO was very positive and fruitful. Really didn’t think the Chairman would suddenly get involved and took a strong interests in the project. The Chairman started talking to his friends about my client’s idea and the feedback he received from the friends prompted him to explore to use my client’s idea and concept and do it on his own. In short, the Chairman is thinking and planning to cut my client out of the picture so that they can maximise their profit from the property project!!

The Developer never thought of doing what my client wants to do until now. It really pissed me off that the Chairman of this PLC developer can be so unprofessional and unethical!! Now they told my client & I that they are reviewing various options on the table!! What a fucking joke!! They steal my client’s idea and concept and now they have the fucking balls to tell us that they have many options to consider and want to review all. They should have just honour their agreement with my client and not went out to solicit for more options when they are stealing my client’s idea and concept!!

Seriously, Malaysian Chinaman mentality and business practices are unethical and unprofessional. I will minimise my dealing with them in the future as I don’t want to be played out again by them. This developer antics made me dropped my glasses as it never crossed my mind that they will pull such a punch on us as they are reputable.

I’m pissed off with their antics, but not defeated. In fact, if anything I’m more determined to find a better location and deal for my client so that we can tell the Developer to fly kite before they officially inform my client. I will not be defeated. I believe there is always a silver lining among the dark clouds and I just need to work hard enough to find it.

I’m very confident that I will be able to find a better alternative for my client. It will set my timeline back by a few months, but it should be ok. I will not give up until I have exhausted all possible options. Definitely sucks to be put into such a precarious position, but nevertheless is part and parcel of the business world, especially my world. Swimming among sharks every single day. Majority of the time I met good and supportive clients. Only once a blue moon I will come across shitty unprofessional and unethical Developer.

Oh well, tomorrow is a brand new day. As long as the client is still with me, I will have a a 2nd chance to pull off the same deal with a different Developer. And I will continue to pitch and look for new clients. There are plenty of big fish in the sea. I just need to work hard and be patient to catch a few. Haha.

Ok, feel much better after pouring out my pissed off mood! Goodnite .

My admissions and confessions

When I didn’t know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn’t reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn’t hate him.

What I did wasn’t right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn’t know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don’t expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn’t share details about him because it wasn’t a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I’m definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.

I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn’t do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won’t revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I’m doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I’m definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn’t want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn’t giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I’m not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn’t do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma’s grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I’m happy now and that’s most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that’s all I have to share.