Forehead kiss

My most memorable and sweetest kiss from the man was the forehead kisses he gave me before we fell asleep and as he left for work in the morning when we were in HK. We shared passionate french kissing, but nothing beat the forehead kisses he gave me. Until today it still brought back good memory of that moment, but it also brought back sadness to me because I will never be able to experience it again from him.

I felt cherished, protected and appreciated when he kissed me on my forehead. I felt like we belonged together. I belonged to him and he belonged to me. A simple kiss that conveyed many emotions. I felt I was the lucky woman at that very moment and I longed for him to kiss me every night and morning before he goes to sleep and to work. I wanted to delete this frame from my mind, but I failed. It is like a frozen picture, forever engraved in my memory. Oh, how I wished we had more time together.

Sometimes, all we need is just a simple kiss by the one we love to make our day. For me, a forehead kiss by the person I like or love speak more volume to me and give me more emotions than a passionate hot french kissing. I hope that 1 day I will meet a man who will be able to make me feel what I felt with him when I’m being kiss on the forehead. I know I will. I just need to have faith that my Mr Right will shows up when I lease expected it. Haha.

I have to stop here because remembering that special moment is making me sad. I can’t relieve the moment without feeling a loss. So I better stop here.

Anyway, what’s your favourite kissing style?

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The Man

Vion, 1 of my BFF was in KL and I spent a whole day with her yesterday as I had time. She was in town to discuss some business opportunities with a handful of local Developers and I shared with her some market intelligence. Of course, we talked about life and etc as well. It came to the topic of relationship and she commented that there aren’t any suitable men for me in KL. I answered her that I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment as I want to focus on building my career. I explained to her that after my last experienced with the man, I have a better understanding of myself and I know clearly what I want for myself and how I want to live my life and finding a partner is not my priority now. I don’t want unnecessary drama that might come with a relationship again after what I went through 2 years ago.

She commented and asked did I really loved the man? And I answered her yes I did. It was a question that I had asked myself repeatedly in the past and wasn’t sure of the answer until end of last year. And when I answered her today, I answered with certainty that I did loved the man at that point in time when that man was in my life. She asked me was that man worth it for me to love? I answered her at that period yes he was. She asked what did I saw in the man? I answered her, love is blind and a feeling. She was still cursing the man for how he treated me and I told her it was the past and I didn’t want to talk about it further.

I didn’t feel sad/unhappy when talking about the man. I uttered his name to Vion without  feeling any hatred for him. To be honest, I never hated him even when I was at my darkest mood and moments. It was good that I had this short conversation about the man with Vion because I know with 100% certainty now that my heart has healed 100%. Being with the man was what I wanted at that time and I made the choice so I had to accept the consequences.

If I had known back then how the relationship would had ended, would I still choose to love the same man and subject myself to the painful heartbreak and experienced??  The answer is NO. I would choose to love the man from a distance rather be involved with the man. I don’t regret for loving and being involved with the man because the man was a lesson I needed so that I could learned more deeply about myself. So it was a lesson I had to experience.

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to reminiscence about the man or our past. I wrote this post because I wanted to capture down my feelings at this moment.

My happy and laughing self

It had been awhile since I last had fun chatting with someone. Finally my witty sense of humour is back in full force and I could feel my hearty and happy laughter are back too. No, I don’t have any romantic feeling with the man I’m chatting with. I just enjoyed his dry sense of humour, his interest in luxury watches and his ability to switch topics with ease. With some people, conversation just flows easily and with others conversation doesn’t. Is easy to talk to him and he made me laughed. Haha.

It had been awhile since I laughed gaily. There is no hidden agenda with him as we don’t want anything from each other except casual chatting about work, life and everything we fancy. We are working on a project together. He is the architect for the development I’m going to market and sell in the near future so we have to communicate a fair bit about work and that was how we started our chatting.

Finally after 2 years I’m able to really let go, move on and regain my old happy self that were always laughing. I’m definitely wiser, calmer and in control of my emotions now 😊😊😊🤪🤪! Just 30 mins ago I did a test by googling Him. Saw his pictures and also blog posts written by me about him and I didn’t feel anything except maybe a quick flashed back of a few snippets of old times. Other than that, the feeling was like I know him, but yet I don’t know him!! We were once so close that I felt we knew and understand each other deeply, but now we are back to strangers. At this very moment, I missed him, the laughter we shared, the silly jokes/banters that only we both understood, his teasing, his kisses and his loved. I believe now that he did loved me albeit a short loved. I missed having him in my life at this very moment I’m writing this. But at the same time I know the feeling is short-lived because I can’t forget how he badly he treated me too. As I’m writing my next word, the feeling of missing him passes by. It is this short-lived!!

But the most important thing for me is I’m able to laugh gaily again and acting silly 🤪🤪And I’m happy. I’m working hard to achieve my goals and I know I will. So I’m going to say Goodbye My Loved!!

 

 

Acknowledging my feelings & being selfish

Lately, I became more bold in acknowledging my feelings both professionally and personally. Beside relying on facts to make my decisions, I also rely on my feelings to help me to decide if I want to work with a person or do I want the person to be my friend. I know I’m losing friends, but it is unavoidable simply because I don’t like the way they treat and make me feel.

If I don’t feel good working with a person, I will choose to give up the job (after many tries) because I can’t deliver good result if I don’t feel happy and excited to work with that person.

In the past, I didn’t prioritise and acknowledge my feelings. I always put other peoples’ feelings over mine own and because of that I ended up being hurt. I didn’t heed what my heart was telling me. I was scared to acknowledge my own needs and feelings. I tried to accommodate people to avoid confrontation, but I realised now it was a huge mistake for me to do that because people are selfish. They will keep taking and taking and taking if I keep giving without setting a boundary. If I don’t acknowledge my feelings and be selfish, I rob myself to be true and honest to myself. Not only that, I also rob the chance from people to know how they actually make me feel. The truth can be harsh, but it is better for them to know how they make me feel. If they can accept my directness, great business relationship, friendship as well as love relationship will grow and become stronger.

If they aren’t able to accept, then goodbye is better than putting up with it. If I tolerate too much, I will start to feel resentment toward the person. I don’t want to feel resentment so I opt to tell people how their actions and words make me feel. I respect them enough to be honest with them rather than hiding my feelings. Of course, I will only be honest with people that I respect. If I don’t respect that person, I won’t tell him/her how I feel because I don’t want to waste my breath. Haha.

When I acknowledge my feelings, automatically I will become selfish because I’m putting myself as priority over other people. I don’t care how I make them feel or think unless they choose to tell me. If they don’t tell me, I will not waste time to guess what they are thinking and feeling. It is not my business to take care of their feeling and thinking. We are all adults, we can handle our own emotion, feeling and thinking. I don’t have time to worry about people as I have my own life to live. People are generally selfish.

I remember a few times in the past I was pissed off and irritated with Noami, but I kept quiet because I cared not to upset her feelings and ignored my own feelings by pretending that I was ok with it when I wasn’t. And the next day, I was the one who spoke to her 1st because I didn’t want to spoil the holiday. But she never made an effort for once. And I dislike eating western food daily, especially pasta. But when we travelled, I had to accommodate her and ate pasta and Western food daily. I wanted to tell her I was sick and tired of eating pasta and Western food, but I didn’t because again I chose to ignore my feelings and cared about hers.

Now I won’t ignore my feelings. In fact, I will voice up and make known to the person how he or she makes me feel. Is liberating  because then I can be true to myself. I will address all negative feelings because if I don’t I will be unhappy and upset. My feelings come first. After all, I have learned how to love myself truly and fully 😊😊!

Possessiveness, Insecurity and Lack of Trust

Gosh….1 of my gf told me that her bf asked her to go to the guardhouse to ask the guards to play back the recording for her to watch how she got home last night and take pictures to show him. He is accusing her that she didn’t go back home and was out cheating on him with another guy. Her bf is in overseas now. My gf isn’t a cheating type of person and  I trusted her when she said she did went home, but she forgotten how she got home. I mean she was sure she hailed a cab, but she couldn’t remember clearly as she blacked out due to over drinking.

The bf couldn’t get hold of her and became suspicious and furious. So he asked her to show him proofs that she didn’t cheat on him!! I disbelieve what I heard as his request was preposterous and insulting. Basically, he doesn’t trust her at all and insulted her when he accused her of cheating without any concrete proofs to prove that she is a cheater. He is so fucking insecure and possessive that he doesn’t has confident in himself and her. So sad to be honest. I really don’t understand why a successful man can be so insecure about himself and his gf. I know my gf well and she won’t cheat on him. The verbal, mental and emotional abuses she puts up with him are just incredulous for me to comprehend.

I know her bf well too and seriously I think he has a severe trust and insecurity issues. I feel sad for him and them. I couldn’t help wondering how can a relationship without trust and fills with insecurity and possessiveness can survive in the long-term. How much shit can a woman accept before she calls it quit?? If my bf accused me of cheating on him, I will go ballistic and calls it quit. I don’t have the energy to keep proving my innocent and faithfulness. Is tiring to constantly need to prove myself. Is too much drama and negativity. And to make matter worst, my gf can’t question her bf about his whereabouts when he travels. Seriously, unfair treatment and bullshit!!

I told my gf to have a heart to heart talk with her bf when he returns to KL and has already calm down. Trust is the key to a healthy and happy relationship. A man shouldn’t asks a woman to prove herself because of his insecurity and possessiveness especially when she hasn’t done anything to make him distrust her. Just because he had bad experiences in the past doesn’t means his current gf is the same. If he doesn’t learns how to trust, every relationship will end up being destroys by him eventually because 1 day my gf will find it to tire to put up with the bullshit about proving herself to him.

I really don’t understand why my gf and many women are willing to tolerate men abuses. I know for a fact that my gf’s bf can be verbally abusive when he is mad and believe in his own mind that she might be out cheating on him. His words can be very nasty and hurtful. If she has done something in the past to make you not trust her, I can fully understand the paranoia, but my gf hasn’t. It is the bf faults entirely. Instead of worrying about her safety, he was raging and accusing her of cheating on him!! Wacko!!

The bf is also egomaniac and one of his main weaknesses that is being taken advantage by everyone. I asked my gf why she puts up with him. He is a good guy no doubt about that. But his insecurity and constant pleasing and proving to him are really tiring. Even me as a 3rd party hearing it constantly from my gf was tiring for me. Is hard for me to comprehend because this type of love is unhealthy love. His bf said to her is normal for people in love to act the ways he are acting!! Wtf??

Anyway, I thank god I don’t have a man now. The relationship drama is way too stressful and taxing for me to handle. And even if I have one, I wouldn’t put up with the craps, insults and abuses my gf are putting up with. Good Luck to her is all I can wish her.

My feelings during the affair with Peter Wittendorp

This is the 1st time I’m going to confess how he made me felt during the time he was in my life. I never thought of writing this post until a couple of days ago when I watched a HK TVB chinese drama and 1 of the storyline is about a rich man daughter having an affair with the CEO of the company who is married with a young daughter. The rich man daughter was pursuing the married man and she said to him that she won’t asks for a lot from him except for a little bit of his time.

It reminded me of the same statement I made to Peter Wittendorp. I told him all I wanted from him was just some of his time. I told him I didn’t need him to be with me all the time, but he had to find time to fly to KL to see me or we would meet in HK where he travels to frequently because he has an office in Central, HK. But the truth was, I was lying to him and myself. I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t tell him as I was worried if I did he would walked away. I longed for him day and night.

In the drama, the woman was waiting by her phone for the married man to reply her WhatsApp messages. She couldn’t sleep when he didn’t. Her mood was affected badly. She was happy when he replied her even if it was just a simple OK or an emoticon! It was the same for me. I could relate to the storyline and emotions through the woman acting because I wen through the same shit she was acting it out over the TV. When I watched those few episodes, a sense of deja vu crossed my mind, but I didn’t feel sad.

Watching it being played out actually made me realised even more how stupid I was to fool myself into thinking and believing I was ok with the bread crumbs that Peter Wittendorp was giving me. It wasn’t ok. I wanted more, but I was too scared to ask because he told me if I kept pushing for more I would pushed him away and out of my life. I didn’t want him out of my life hence I put up with the bread crumbs and I was very unhappy about it. But I put up with it not once, not twice but countless times. I had no one to blame, but myself. I didn’t want to lose him and because of that I forgave him many times when he broke his promises to me.

Also because of him I stop using the word “Promise”. The word doesn’t means shit to me anymore. He abused the word so often until I became sick of it and fought with him constantly because he broke his promises. Again, another major red flag that I had chosen to ignore. In the tv drama, the woman was very upset and disappointed when the married man cancelled their date. I had no problem relating to it.

I even pretended I was ok with it when I wasn’t. She did the same too in the tv drama. I never honestly told Peter Wittendorp how I felt because he always told me not to load too many of my emotions onto him. He even told me off in the early stages of our affair. He always told me that I was being too emotional. And because of the fear of losing him, I held back my true feelings. I always told myself it was just a game with him hence I shouldn’t take it too personal. But the truth was, it wasn’t a game. I was in loved with him for a long time and I didn’t want to admit it because I know I couldn’t had him. I lied to myself, my friends and even Peter Wittendorp until he confessed he loved me. That was when I admitted I loved him too.

Watching the tv drama and that particular storyline about the married man having an affair with the rich man daughter, I could see clearly that what I had with Peter Wittendorp was a toxic relationship/friendship. He did everything to make me fell for him, but he never planned to be in my life for long as he promised. I was too fearful of losing him and because of that I put up with his shitty treatments toward me. The bread crumbs he threw at me. If I had walked away earlier as I said I would many times, my heart wouldn’t be broken and I wouldn’t had to subject myself to baseless accusation. My name wouldn’t be linked to him and his cheating wife (according to Peter Wittendorp and in his own words).

The big fat lie he cooked up started even before he decided to walk back into my life again. He lied to me intentionally and continued to lie even when he had plenty of opportunities to come clean with me. I don’t think he lied to protect me, but rather to give himself a plausible reason to cheat on the wife with me. People think he only appeared in my life in 2014. NO! He was already in and out of my life since 2006 when he was still working for AIG.

He had never stopped liking me and he had never forgotten me. He was already cheating behind her back for a span of 10 years with me, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact until now. The initial 8 years were emotional cheating as we didn’t become intimate physically. But it didn’t mean we weren’t tempted to do. There were a few times we almost crossed the line. A few times time I pulled back as I wasn’t ready. Only 1 time he pulled back after we both got naked. At that time, I didn’t know his marital status as never talked about his personal life and I never asked. To be honest, I never pry unless it was necessary or if he volunteered the information.

I was always on his mind until April 2016 when I was accused by him for something someone did, but I was dragged into it too. All the time it was him who initiated the contact after a period of silent and he would waltzed back into my life like nothing had happened and picked up where we left off and always always up the ante. I’m not excusing my behaviour and actions. I’m just stating the facts and chain of events.

To be fair, although he gave me heartache, sorrow and a scar, he also did gave me happiness and some good memories too. The bad experienced he gave me made me understands myself better and reclaimed my self-worth and self-respect. I won’t put up with anyone who makes me feel bad or give me negative vibes or doesn’t value and appreciate me. I will not hide my feelings and emotions just to keep someone in my life. I become more open and vocal about my feelings, thoughts, emotions and views. I truly live my life as openly as possible and I have managed to align my professional and personal self as 1. I don’t wear a mask and I DEFINITELY don’t care what people think of me because I have stopped asking people what they think of me. I realised that when you stop asking people what they think of you, that’s when you truly don’t care anymore.

If you like me, great. If you don’t, is fine too. I don’t need everyone’s approval if the way I live my life is right or wrong. I’m a unique individual hence I dictate my own path in my life journey. I didn’t need to conform to society especially this stage of my life. I’m free to do what I want, say what I want and live the ways I want to as well!!

So the conclusion is I will never allow myself to be involved with a married man again simply because I don’t want to experience the same emotional roller coaster, the web of lies, the longing, the disappointment and finally the heartbrokenness. It isn’t worth it! I want someone whom I don’t need to share and worry about walking on egg shells around him. I want a man whom I can call at any hours and not worry that he won’t answers my calls. A man who will be by my side when I need him. A man who will not push me under the bus to be run over many times or stabbed me repeatedly without remorse just to protect himself and using me to save his marriage. If I had known the actual fact that he cooked up the web of lies then I deserved what had happened to me. But I didn’t. I was an innocent bystander who happened to fall in loved with a married man who told me numerous times via writing, calls and even in person that his wife was cheating on him and if it wasn’t for his young son he would had left her. He was very emotional when he told me that in person.

How could I know that was a big fat lie and he was a good actor??? Hahaha…..naive me. I was a fool because I wanted to believe him. I was hoping we could be together forever. Silly dream!!

Well, if his wife thought that he only started cheating on her in 2014, then she is even a bigger fool than me. I had a place in his mind and heart for 10 years starting from the day we met when he was still single until April 2016. Whether she truly cheated on him or not, I don’t know and don’t care. It was my past. Peter Wittendorp is my past. Yes, I had wanted and hoped to meet up with him again or even hear from him to clear the air so that all my questions will be answered, but not anymore. Why? Because I don’t think he will answers my questions truthfully and honestly even though if he does reaches out, which he won’t. I’m 1000% sure.

I won’t unwind what had happened between us because without the experienced and the lesson, I wouldn’t have learned so much more about myself. And I wouldn’t become who I’m today. He was a lesson I needed to learn so that I can become a better version of myself. I don’t hate him. At least not anymore.

Is time for me to really move on from my past. I don’t feel sad or upset writing this post so is a good sign. I’m feeling calm and peaceful. I’m not excusing my actions and behaviours, but merely stating the facts and openly admitting my past and mistakes I had made. Do I think he is a bad guy? Honestly no. Just that he blundered in his handling of his affair with me and he didn’t end it gentlemanly. His apology was half heartedly only. Anyway, it was history and I shouldn’t bring it up again. I have a tendency to get carried away and typed my thoughts out in the open. My bad! Haha

Oh well, when I watched the tv drama I saw myself in her shoes. Haha. Ciao everyone….

 

p.s. Admitting my weaknesses, mistakes and flaws are getting easier and become a part of my life when I don’t feel ashamed of who I have become and the type of person I want to become. I want to live a life free from lies. I’m trying even not to tell any white lies unless it is necessary which isn’t frequent, so thank god! Judge me if you want and see if I care 😆😆😆. It feels really good to be able to be this honest and open about my life, be it past or present. I don’t want to live my life hiding behind lies. And I will admit and confess for my actions and behaviours. If I didn’t do, don’t accused me because I will retaliate and fight back by doing exactly what I have been accused of doing. Just to spite him and made him pissed off.

Affair….

#peterwittendorp

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can’t call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn’t, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let’s identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn’t good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn’t bother to remember as it doesn’t concerns me.

Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don’t know and I don’t care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don’t get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won’t deny that I’m curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn’t. I’m curious, but I never ask any V and I don’t act weird around them when I see them together. I don’t pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn’t right, but 1 hand can’t clap. Just like 1 person can’t tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S’s dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn’t raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V’s parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X’mas. S’s wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don’t judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don’t know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.

Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I’m proud to say I’m not one of those people as my life is very open. I’m not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I’m wrong. I don’t hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I’ll admit and face the consequences. I’m not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn’t values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy’s friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn’t wants him to divorce her and doesn’t mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don’t. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don’t pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don’t condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge.