Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

I copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn’t something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I’m still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I’m not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn’t feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I’m learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

“You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous”

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Stop chasing people….

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren’t doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don’t chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don’t, I don’t too.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don’t give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don’t want to fight for a spot in someone’s life if that person doesn’t gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can’t force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don’t want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I’m willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn’t. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don’t chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn’t had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn’t too late as I’m putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don’t mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn’t really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I’m going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me……😂!

Mood Swings

I’m experiencing a very bad mood swing now and all I want to do is to be by myself so that I can take care of my own thoughts and emotions. I can feel the darkness lurking on the surface now and I’m doing everything in my power to control it. I don’t know what causes it as it started since yesterday evening. I did summer cleaning of my contact lists on my phone and deleted a fair bit of number for people that I don’t keep in touch anymore. And this afternoon I deleted my chat history with Xavier as I feel that I can’t trust him hence not sure if I still want to keep him as a friend. I’m deeply affected by my last experienced with Peter Wittendorp. Now I feel scare to open up myself to anyone, especially men as I worry I will be hurt. Even though they give me no reason to doubt them, I still do. If their actions don’t match their words, I will not hesitate to delete them from my life.

And I will only match their effort. I won’t go out of my limbs to reach out to them like I used to do so. If someone wants to be in my life, they will put in effort and time to show me. The excuses of being not free and etc are just a more polite way to tell me I’m not interested to keep the friendship alive or in me. Which is fine with me as long as they tell me and not waste my time. If they choose not to tell me, then I will take matters into my own hand and do what I think is best for me. I don’t care about other people feelings when they don’t care about mine.

Lack of effort is equivalent to lack of interest so why should I keep putting in effort and time when the other party isn’t doing so. I’m becoming very selfish nowadays after my last shitty experienced with Peter Wittendorp. He scars me and I don’t know when I will be able to recover and not feel scare at opening my heart again. At this moment I really feel like releasing another set of correspondences between me and Peter, but I’m controlling my urge by thinking positive thoughts. A few of my cores component have changed because of what Peter Wittendorp’s did to me.

When I thought I’m moving on, I would be hit by a bout of intense mood swings that were caused by the fear of being hurt again. The inability to trust without a doubt just makes me feel sad and unhappy. I know I shouldn’t let 1 bad experienced with 1 person to affect me so much, but it did! I’m scare of getting attached and sharing my feelings openly. The moment I see their words and actions don’t match up, I cut them loose even if it is just something small they didn’t do as they said they would. I just don’t want to subject myself to the same experienced again.

I wish I’m a bitch because then I will go all out to seek my revenge on the man who hurt me so badly and deeply. And left a permanent scar on my heart. I’m determine to regain back my old self, but it is definitely taking much longer than I thought. Anyway, what I can do now is just to stay away from people, especially Xavier when I’m in this state of bad mood swing. I’m not sure if I will still reach out to him after I feel better. I really don’t know what I will do yet. All I care about now is getting myself into a zen state of mind so that I can keep the darkness at bay and not envelope me.

I’m going to do some yoga now to relax and clear my mind……

 

Peter Wittendorp Smses to me…..

These SMSes were referring to the conversation we had when Peter Wittendorp told me he had agreed to let ‘her’ check his phone and computer anytime she wanted to do so. I remember clearly as I was driving and when I heard what he told me I was very upset and angry and I cut off our conversation. Subsequently, he tried to call back several times, but I never answered as I was trying to control my tears and was super angry.

He also told me that he told her that he had to inform me of his decision too as he felt I needed to know. Honestly I was confused why I needed to know. I asked him did he want me to stop texting him, if so, just tell me there and then. I further ask him did he want our friendship to end? He said no. But I told him, she would eventually requests that he gave up our friendship as the next step. Might as well end it now (n that was when I put down the phone, he called back several times and subsequent messages as follows)

 

By the time I calmed down enough and called him back, it was around late afternoon as I was leaving office. He told me he just called to tell her (his wife) that his phone was his privacy and he wouldn’t let her check and read the messages. At least that was what he told me over the phone. Of course, I was happy when I heard that but I was also confused why he was willing to do that for me.

Sometimes his actions confused me. Anyway, it was the past. I’m writing it down now because I’m experiencing a flashed back and only by writing it down I can expunge any feelings arising from this flashed back.

I swear that was the conversation we had. I will only write facts and the truth even if the truth hurts me. Only the truth will set me free. What people think of me after reading about my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I don’t care. If I care, I wouldn’t had posted so much. I didn’t do it to revenge. I did it because I want to stop feeling victimised.

No one will understand how I felt for the past 1 year when I was struggling to regain my core self. Anyway, there will be more posts to come.

My past struggles…..

I realised now that emotional struggle was the most detrimental to my health as it affected me mentally and physically. When nursing my broken heart and recovering from the hurt, the 1 question that got replayed like a broken record was, WHY ME?? I was constantly looking for answers to all the questions I had for him, but were never truthfully and honest explained to me. My trust system was utterly shattered into pieces, like a broken glass. I know for a fact that I will never be able to trust another man like I did before. I grew up in a broken family and it took me a long time to learn to trust people unguardedly, but because of a selfishness of a married man he destroyed my trust system to the core.

If that wasn’t enough I had to deal with the baseless accusation and my mind just totally shutdown. My brain and heart couldn’t accept the fact that the man I thought I knew well and understand 90% could turned out to be a monster. I was struggling to accept the fact that I didn’t know him at all. Looking back now I just feel like I’m the biggest blinded fool!

Although I’m moving on and living a good life, a small part of me is still struggling to forgive myself for my foolishness and stupidity. For falling in love with a man who set out to play with my heart from the day he walked back into my life with no intention of divorcing the wife, but implied he would (both in writing and verbal, even though I never asked him to do so). It was a big fat lie to get me to believe and fall for him. If he had told me from day 1 that we would just be sexual lover or FWB, I wouldn’t had fell in love with him. He was cruel and evil. I wasn’t delusional or imaginary. I could felt his sadness and unhappiness oozing out from every pores of his body when he told me she cheated on him in person in HK. How would I had guessed it was all a big fat lie. Script writer, director, actor, producer…..all was HIM!

No one can imagine the struggles I had to experience and go thru after the aftermath! Not to mention that I was trolled online too. In the last message I read online (a few months ago when I was googling myself) I finally figured out the troll identity because the troll accused me of something I didn’t do. The troll was the wife! I wouldn’t had guessed she was the troll if she didn’t post her comment pretending to be my friend, with my name spelled out clearly. What the troll didn’t know was none of my friends know about the fact that I’m being trolled online. I didn’t tell anyone as I don’t want them to worry and I don’t want to explain what happened. They just knew I had a 2 year of tumultuous relationship with him. Also, my friends will never use the name the troll use online. The troll also threw in a few malay words that I don’t understand at all as my Malay is poor. I barely passed my Malay exam paper with a C6 credit during my Form 5 high school examination.

I was tempted to expose her identity there and then with her full name spell out clearly, but then I decided to let it go as I didn’t find a need to engage in such a lowly behaviour with a troll. The words she used to accuse me wasn’t a reflection of me, but herself. Only a lowly person could used those words and made baseless accusation. So why should I waste my time and energy to engage with such a lowly woman and a troll. I used to feel sorry for her as she was a victim too, but not anymore.

Anyway, I just want peace in my life. I don’t want to start a war. The troll is set out to get me. I’m beginning to think that she might be the mastermind behind all the crazy posts posted online. But I have no proof as I don’t have the money (even if I do, I won’t) to hire IT forensics to investigate the matter. That was 1 of the triggering point that led me to decide to post all the SMSes that I still had with me to proof my side of the story. A picture paint a thousand words.

In the past, I was adamant to clear my name from his accusation because it was important to me to have his trust, but not anymore. He started this shit storm, he was the root of all these trolling and turmoil in my life, but yet he had the balls to point his dirty fingers at me. The wife is trolling me and yet he didn’t do anything to stop her disgusting behaviour. To be honest, I found out about it a few months back and I was struggling internally to write about it or not as I just want to move on with my life. But then I decided to write it out to get rid of my feeling of injustice.

All of us have our own set of struggles to overcome. It is part of life. How we choose to overcome it is the most important factor. Admitting our struggles is the 1st step to overcoming it. I find it therapeutic to pour out my feelings in writing. It is my way of getting rid of those toxics from my system. I don’t want to lie. Occasionally he still pops into my mind, but I shut it down quickly as I don’t want to think about him anymore. I don’t want to deal with my feelings and thoughts for him anymore. I just want the past to be the past. I no longer hope and wish that we could sit down one day and talk things over. Adele’s song, “Hello” will never apply to me and him.

My biggest struggle is the fact that I might not love another man as deeply as I had loved him. The emotional and mental damages caused by him left me with permanent scars. No one knows the struggles I had to go through daily just to keep living and functioning. Some parts of the core me have been changed and he is the root caused of it.  If he had explained honestly and apologised sincerely I would had been able to move on and forget him quickly. Not knowing the truth on why he had to create such a big fat lie to cheat and his accusations just made me felt lost and confused. My mind kept going back in circles trying to look for answers which I will never be able to find.

I struggled to put all that behind me, but occasionally my mind would still wander to try to find answers. The truth will set me free, but unfortunately it is something that I won’t get at all. I had to learn to let go at my own terms and timing. I figure if he didn’t care about my well being, I shouldn’t too. After all, every person is selfish and I need to do what’s best for me to move on and forget him. And knowing the fact that he hates me to his core allows me to think negatively of him and get rid of all the positive feelings I had for him. I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him deeply, but I’m glad I wasn’t anymore.

Anyway, I better end this post. Ciao.

Random cheeky and naughty SMSes with Peter

With my posting of all these past SMSes between me and him I just put the final nail to the coffin. With 1000% certainty Peter’s chapter in my life is sealed and closed in this lifetime and maybe next lifetime too. He should thank me for turning into the devil he accused me to be. I just made his accusation a reality. Now he can feel good about himself. Whatever!

I can explain why I’m doing this, but I’m not going to. I will only say is not revenge. What people want to think and say about my action, I really don’t give a damn! 2017 is a year full of changes for me. I will be even more adamant to do things that I want to do and not what people want me to do or what society dictates.

Being accused by Peter Wittendorp via SMSes

I rest my case how he heartlessly hurts me with his ridiculous accusation. Anyway, is the past now. I don’t feel sad or hurt reading back these old SMSes so I guess I have fully recovered. Also I no longer feel the need to protect his image especially when his chapter in my life is closed permanently. SMSes don’t lie. That’s his number. Not sure if he stills use it or not, but definitely the number that belongs to him.