Can we talk?

Deep down, I’m still unwilling to let him go from my mind. I thought I had, but I haven’t because I still want to talk to him 1 last time to clear the air over any misunderstandings we have. Because I still want to see his face again, at least for 1 last time. Because it still bothers me that he accused me baselessly. I retaliated as I want to get back at him for the way he treated me. Although I have forgiven myself for my foolishness and have managed to control my feelings and emotions, I still haven’t stop thinking about him. He still lives in my mind even though I know he will never wants to talk and see me again in this lifetime.

I foolishly hope that we will have a chance to clear the air face to face and bid a proper goodbye. I’m still a tad sad that he thinks so devilishly about me. He told me in his own words that it all started before I came into the picture so how could he accused me for what happened to him??? I wasn’t given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. He doesn’t knows and understands the pain and sadness his accusation has caused me!!! Until today, I still can’t forget his words and tone when he accused me. It was mean, cold and ugly!! It made me wanted to retaliate because (almost 2 years coming) I can still remember that day vividly!! I wanted to hurt him the way he hurts me. I wanted him to feel my pain, anguish and I wanted him to be shamed for his dastardly behaviour towards me. I wanted a revenge. I did!! That was the truth and I wouldn’t hide the fact that I thought about it.

The truth is I didn’t want a revenge. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. It is important for me to be able to tell the truth because my past was a part of my life journey. I don’t want to hide my story with him especially when I was an innocent victim in his grandiose of lying scheme and the truth is I still want to know why he had to lie to me?? Why?? I still want to know why he could be so mean, cold and heartless to me and accused me for things I didn’t do. It is really hard for me to just let go, forget and move on from the accusation because it doesn’t only hurts me deeply but also changed some parts of the core me!! I haven’t heard anyone in my entire life and I definitely didn’t deserve the accusation thrown at me by him. I want to see him again and thrash things out because I want to ask him what do I gain from doing what he accused me of doing??? He knows clearly all I ever wanted from him was to be with him, so why would I be so stupid to do something so devilish to lose him from my life???? Why?? I really wanted to ask him that question and many others. I wanted answers and I still want it now.

A part of me will always want to seek the answers and the truth until the day I die. It is what I want and probably the main reason why I’m still unable to stop thinking about him and sometimes replaying our past. No one can fully understands how I feel unless you have been wrongly accused too by the one you used to love and trust without a doubt. I had admired, respected and trusted him for 10 years. He was my ideal man! I already liked him on 1st sight and never stopped even when we lost contact a few times in the 10 years period. You wouldn’t be able to imagine my happiness when he 1st told me he loved me!! I never thought he would fell in love with me because I dare not hoped. But when he did, I was ecstatic and couldn’t believed it. I really couldn’t believed it, but it was the happiest day of my life. I really thought we had a chance to be together because of what he told me about his marriage via his emails, whatsapps and most importantly in person. I could felt his pain and sadness. That couldn’t be faked (at least I didn’t think it was possible back then), but boy I was wronged!!

I waited so long for him to love me so why would I do anything to destroy it. Yes, towards the end we agreed to be friend and put an end to our lovership, but that didn’t mean I had stopped loving him. I just said what he wanted to hear so that he would feel better to continue our friendship. I would do everything to keep him in my life so why would I do something so devilish and stupid to push him out of my life 😢😢???

Past 18 months hadn’t been easy for me. The road to recovery and healing didn’t happen until after my birthday trip to Rhodes, Greece this August. I’m definitely in a much better place now than before my trip, but a small part of me still unable to let go. I tried. God knows how hard I tried, but I haven’t succeeded yet. Sigh. I know I sounded like a broken record, but I really don’t want to keep my feelings to myself. I want to share openly because pouring out my feelings allow me to understand my feelings, thinkings and myself better.

Is not easy to be so raw and vulnerable, but I have to if I ever want to heal properly. I don’t know if I would ever forget him. Sometimes I think I might still love him, but I shut that love feeling off by thinking negatively about him. I know I shouldn’t have any feeling left for him, but I do. The consolation is I’m able to control it and it doesn’t affects me as much as it did previously. The feeling didn’t linger long as I could quashed it pretty quickly. So wasn’t too bad.

And yes, I still wonder how is he doing now? Do I pop into his mind occasionally? Good or bad doesn’t matter because I can’t stop how he thinks of me. He didn’t give me a chance to explain why I said what I said and he didn’t bother to find out the truth. He just assumed and accused which were what he usually did in the past even before the shit hit the fan!

I wish he read my blog because then there is a remote chance he might understands how his accusation has hurt me so deeply that it still haunts me until today. If I get to say 1 thing to him today, it will be “Can We Talk??”

p.s. Countless times I wanted to write a letter to him, but I didn’t. Why? Because I don’t want to torture myself wondering if he receives my letter and if yes, did he reads it or throws it away or how he will he reacts? Another reason is I know writing will not helps to clear the air. Only face to face meeting will allows us to be totally open and honest with each other. No hiding at all. So either we get to meet in person or I just have to learn to accept the fact that I will never have a chance to find out the truth and tell the truth. If that’s how God wants it to be, then I will just accept it. If that’s my destiny then I have to accept it. But I really hope 1 day we can get to sit down to talk and clear the air. I really do hope.

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I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.

Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.

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My admissions and confessions

When I didn’t know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn’t reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn’t hate him.

What I did wasn’t right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn’t know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don’t expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn’t share details about him because it wasn’t a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I’m definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.

I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn’t do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won’t revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I’m doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I’m definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn’t want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn’t giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I’m not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn’t do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma’s grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I’m happy now and that’s most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that’s all I have to share.

Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

I copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn’t something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I’m still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I’m not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn’t feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I’m learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

“You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous”

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Stop chasing people….

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren’t doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don’t chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don’t, I don’t too.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don’t give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don’t want to fight for a spot in someone’s life if that person doesn’t gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can’t force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don’t want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I’m willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn’t. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don’t chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn’t had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn’t too late as I’m putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don’t mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn’t really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I’m going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me……😂!

Mood Swings

I’m experiencing a very bad mood swing now and all I want to do is to be by myself so that I can take care of my own thoughts and emotions. I can feel the darkness lurking on the surface now and I’m doing everything in my power to control it. I don’t know what causes it as it started since yesterday evening. I did summer cleaning of my contact lists on my phone and deleted a fair bit of number for people that I don’t keep in touch anymore. And this afternoon I deleted my chat history with Xavier as I feel that I can’t trust him hence not sure if I still want to keep him as a friend. I’m deeply affected by my last experienced with Peter Wittendorp. Now I feel scare to open up myself to anyone, especially men as I worry I will be hurt. Even though they give me no reason to doubt them, I still do. If their actions don’t match their words, I will not hesitate to delete them from my life.

And I will only match their effort. I won’t go out of my limbs to reach out to them like I used to do so. If someone wants to be in my life, they will put in effort and time to show me. The excuses of being not free and etc are just a more polite way to tell me I’m not interested to keep the friendship alive or in me. Which is fine with me as long as they tell me and not waste my time. If they choose not to tell me, then I will take matters into my own hand and do what I think is best for me. I don’t care about other people feelings when they don’t care about mine.

Lack of effort is equivalent to lack of interest so why should I keep putting in effort and time when the other party isn’t doing so. I’m becoming very selfish nowadays after my last shitty experienced with Peter Wittendorp. He scars me and I don’t know when I will be able to recover and not feel scare at opening my heart again. At this moment I really feel like releasing another set of correspondences between me and Peter, but I’m controlling my urge by thinking positive thoughts. A few of my cores component have changed because of what Peter Wittendorp’s did to me.

When I thought I’m moving on, I would be hit by a bout of intense mood swings that were caused by the fear of being hurt again. The inability to trust without a doubt just makes me feel sad and unhappy. I know I shouldn’t let 1 bad experienced with 1 person to affect me so much, but it did! I’m scare of getting attached and sharing my feelings openly. The moment I see their words and actions don’t match up, I cut them loose even if it is just something small they didn’t do as they said they would. I just don’t want to subject myself to the same experienced again.

I wish I’m a bitch because then I will go all out to seek my revenge on the man who hurt me so badly and deeply. And left a permanent scar on my heart. I’m determine to regain back my old self, but it is definitely taking much longer than I thought. Anyway, what I can do now is just to stay away from people, especially Xavier when I’m in this state of bad mood swing. I’m not sure if I will still reach out to him after I feel better. I really don’t know what I will do yet. All I care about now is getting myself into a zen state of mind so that I can keep the darkness at bay and not envelope me.

I’m going to do some yoga now to relax and clear my mind……