Blank out increasing

Lately, I noticed I’m experiencing more blank out moments during conversation. Sometime I forgot a word I wanted to say to describe a situation or I forgot the thing I wanted to say just a moment ago. For example, on Friday morning I wanted to say “flood the market”, but I couldn’t remember the word “flood”. I said “flux” for 2-3x although I knew it was a wrong word. But the correct word “flood” didn’t register in my mind at all so I dropped it until my colleague mentioned the word. Another recent incident was during my meeting with a Tan Sri. I wanted to explain further why it is hard to recruit, but instead I repeated the same statement I said just a few seconds ago. At that moment I just blanked out and I was trying to search my mind to recall what was the thing I wanted to say, but I forgot. It was annoying and slightly worrisome too as I had never experienced blank out before.

The only good thing is I don’t blank out when it is about work. I can remember all the important details that were discussed, things I have to do, follow-up and etc. So thank god it isn’t affecting my work, but it isn’t a good sign that I’m experiencing frequent blanked out. I’m slightly worry to be honest. I will monitor my situation and if the frequency increases further I will go to see a doctor to do a check-up. Maybe it is just because I have too many things going through my mind at the same time hence the blanked out episodes.

I pray that my blank out moments are just temporary and it will not get worse. My next 3 years are critical period for me as it will be the golden period for me to build a stable and secure financial nest that will lasts me to my old age. So for the next 3 years I’m going to bust my ass and work hard to make money!



Indoor Rock Climbing : Completed 5 climbs on 14.3.2018!!

Yippee!!! I managed to complete 5 climbs 14.3.18. I set the challenge for myself and I wanted to give up after completing my 4th climbs, but my coach she pushed me to continue and tried. I set 5 climbs because I wanted to test my endurance. The routes weren’t difficult or hard, but I was tired especially my arms. Because my coach didn’t allow me to give up, I pushed myself to complete the final route!!

Techniques sucks!! Haha. But endurance is getting better. Although my progress is slow, but at least I’m making progress. Slow and steady!! I’m happy with my tonight’s performance. And I’m getting a better hang of this sport and loving it. I plan to buy my own harness as I think it is worth the investment.

The feeling of satisfaction is great. Indoor rock climbing reminded me that if I don’t give up, I will be able to achieve my goals. I need to keep pushing myself and try my best. Taking a break when I’m tired is necessary if I want to complete the climb. And telling myself that I can do it is also very important!

I’m very determine to become a good climber by the end of 2018! Wish me luck! And for those who are thinking of trying indoor rock climbing, I strongly encourage it. You will definitely enjoy the sport and love it 😊😊😊!!!

17.3.18 – First Pilate Reformer

Yesterday morning I attended my 1st pilate reformer lesson with a certified coach. I had planned to sign up for pilate reformer lessons since last year, but put it off until last week where I finally made it a point to sign up for the lessons. I really want and need to get my health and body back in good condition. Lately, I have been experiencing constant back pain and it has disrupted my sleep as I wasn’t able to get quality sleep.

The coach told me that I tend to lean toward my right side and my entire body is very tight. I didn’t tell her anything except I have lower back pain. She was able to detect my problems by looking at my postures. it is a 55 minutes session and to be honest it ain’t cheap. For a certified instructor, it cost RM200/session. They do offer packages, a bit of saving, but still pricey. They offer a starter pack of RM550 for 3 sessions + 1 free group session so I signed up for this one to try first to see if I like it.

It wasn’t hardcore on the 1st session, but I could feel the benefits immediately. For instance, after the session I didn’t feel the pinching and pain on my lower back. I felt a lightness. Although I felt the pinching and pain now on my lower back, it is mild compared to before the session. And partly also because I was sitting the whole day yesterday and compressed my lower back. She said pilate will help to create space between the muscles. So in yesterday class we did a lot of lengthening. And my right leg is weak as it was shaking when I straightened my legs..

I slept well last night. I have decided I will sign up for another private 10 sessions after my starter pack is finished. It will costs me RM1850. I might switch over to group pilate when I’m ready to do so. The group class is RM800 for 10 sessions. I just checked the class hour and I’m ok with night class. But I won’t sign up for group class immediately because I want the instructor unwavering attention to help me to get my body into a healthy physique.

Nowadays, I’m adamant to get my body, mind and soul into a positive and healthy state. Yes, I still want to look good and have nice body shape, but the priority for me is to be healthy. I want to try more new things in life and go on more adventures so a healthy body, mind and soul are a necessity, a MUST!

So for those thinking about trying pilate reformer I highly recommend you to give it a try. Enjoy 😀😀

p.s. My muscles still sore from Wednesday indoor rock climbing and yesterday pilate reformer session. Walking like a crab now. Hahaha

Acknowledging my feelings & being selfish

Lately, I became more bold in acknowledging my feelings both professionally and personally. Beside relying on facts to make my decisions, I also rely on my feelings to help me to decide if I want to work with a person or do I want the person to be my friend. I know I’m losing friends, but it is unavoidable simply because I don’t like the way they treat and make me feel.

If I don’t feel good working with a person, I will choose to give up the job (after many tries) because I can’t deliver good result if I don’t feel happy and excited to work with that person.

In the past, I didn’t prioritise and acknowledge my feelings. I always put other peoples’ feelings over mine own and because of that I ended up being hurt. I didn’t heed what my heart was telling me. I was scared to acknowledge my own needs and feelings. I tried to accommodate people to avoid confrontation, but I realised now it was a huge mistake for me to do that because people are selfish. They will keep taking and taking and taking if I keep giving without setting a boundary. If I don’t acknowledge my feelings and be selfish, I rob myself to be true and honest to myself. Not only that, I also rob the chance from people to know how they actually make me feel. The truth can be harsh, but it is better for them to know how they make me feel. If they can accept my directness, great business relationship, friendship as well as love relationship will grow and become stronger.

If they aren’t able to accept, then goodbye is better than putting up with it. If I tolerate too much, I will start to feel resentment toward the person. I don’t want to feel resentment so I opt to tell people how their actions and words make me feel. I respect them enough to be honest with them rather than hiding my feelings. Of course, I will only be honest with people that I respect. If I don’t respect that person, I won’t tell him/her how I feel because I don’t want to waste my breath. Haha.

When I acknowledge my feelings, automatically I will become selfish because I’m putting myself as priority over other people. I don’t care how I make them feel or think unless they choose to tell me. If they don’t tell me, I will not waste time to guess what they are thinking and feeling. It is not my business to take care of their feeling and thinking. We are all adults, we can handle our own emotion, feeling and thinking. I don’t have time to worry about people as I have my own life to live. People are generally selfish.

I remember a few times in the past I was pissed off and irritated with Noami, but I kept quiet because I cared not to upset her feelings and ignored my own feelings by pretending that I was ok with it when I wasn’t. And the next day, I was the one who spoke to her 1st because I didn’t want to spoil the holiday. But she never made an effort for once. And I dislike eating western food daily, especially pasta. But when we travelled, I had to accommodate her and ate pasta and Western food daily. I wanted to tell her I was sick and tired of eating pasta and Western food, but I didn’t because again I chose to ignore my feelings and cared about hers.

Now I won’t ignore my feelings. In fact, I will voice up and make known to the person how he or she makes me feel. Is liberating  because then I can be true to myself. I will address all negative feelings because if I don’t I will be unhappy and upset. My feelings come first. After all, I have learned how to love myself truly and fully 😊😊!


In time of adversity and challenges, I feel like giving up. Calling it quit seems like the best option for me as I’m getting tired of solving issue after issue. Is never ending and it is really tiring. But I can’t give up because giving up means admitting defeat. A temporary setback isn’t the end of the world. To build a new blue ocean market is never a smooth journey. No doubt it is filled with challenges and obstacles, but to be successful I need to persevere.

I met some nice professional people along my journey and some unprofessional people who were just out to waste my time and strung me along, but it was part of the journey. I’m feeling disappointed, frustrated and upset that after spending so much time it is back to square 1.

I have to keep motivating myself and staying positive that these setbacks and challenges are temporary. I had managed to overcome a lot to get to where I’m today. Just like indoor rock climbing.

My coach she doesn’t allows me to give up when I couldn’t complete a climb. She allowed me to rest, but she would kept pushing me to try until I was exhausted. She told me, I can’t tell my mind I’m tired and I can’t do it. I have to tell my mind I CAN DO IT  😊! Temporary setback isn’t a permanent failure. Failure is when I give up!


Possessiveness, Insecurity and Lack of Trust

Gosh….1 of my gf told me that her bf asked her to go to the guardhouse to ask the guards to play back the recording for her to watch how she got home last night and take pictures to show him. He is accusing her that she didn’t go back home and was out cheating on him with another guy. Her bf is in overseas now. My gf isn’t a cheating type of person and  I trusted her when she said she did went home, but she forgotten how she got home. I mean she was sure she hailed a cab, but she couldn’t remember clearly as she blacked out due to over drinking.

The bf couldn’t get hold of her and became suspicious and furious. So he asked her to show him proofs that she didn’t cheat on him!! I disbelieve what I heard as his request was preposterous and insulting. Basically, he doesn’t trust her at all and insulted her when he accused her of cheating without any concrete proofs to prove that she is a cheater. He is so fucking insecure and possessive that he doesn’t has confident in himself and her. So sad to be honest. I really don’t understand why a successful man can be so insecure about himself and his gf. I know my gf well and she won’t cheat on him. The verbal, mental and emotional abuses she puts up with him are just incredulous for me to comprehend.

I know her bf well too and seriously I think he has a severe trust and insecurity issues. I feel sad for him and them. I couldn’t help wondering how can a relationship without trust and fills with insecurity and possessiveness can survive in the long-term. How much shit can a woman accept before she calls it quit?? If my bf accused me of cheating on him, I will go ballistic and calls it quit. I don’t have the energy to keep proving my innocent and faithfulness. Is tiring to constantly need to prove myself. Is too much drama and negativity. And to make matter worst, my gf can’t question her bf about his whereabouts when he travels. Seriously, unfair treatment and bullshit!!

I told my gf to have a heart to heart talk with her bf when he returns to KL and has already calm down. Trust is the key to a healthy and happy relationship. A man shouldn’t asks a woman to prove herself because of his insecurity and possessiveness especially when she hasn’t done anything to make him distrust her. Just because he had bad experiences in the past doesn’t means his current gf is the same. If he doesn’t learns how to trust, every relationship will end up being destroys by him eventually because 1 day my gf will find it to tire to put up with the bullshit about proving herself to him.

I really don’t understand why my gf and many women are willing to tolerate men abuses. I know for a fact that my gf’s bf can be verbally abusive when he is mad and believe in his own mind that she might be out cheating on him. His words can be very nasty and hurtful. If she has done something in the past to make you not trust her, I can fully understand the paranoia, but my gf hasn’t. It is the bf faults entirely. Instead of worrying about her safety, he was raging and accusing her of cheating on him!! Wacko!!

The bf is also egomaniac and one of his main weaknesses that is being taken advantage by everyone. I asked my gf why she puts up with him. He is a good guy no doubt about that. But his insecurity and constant pleasing and proving to him are really tiring. Even me as a 3rd party hearing it constantly from my gf was tiring for me. Is hard for me to comprehend because this type of love is unhealthy love. His bf said to her is normal for people in love to act the ways he are acting!! Wtf??

Anyway, I thank god I don’t have a man now. The relationship drama is way too stressful and taxing for me to handle. And even if I have one, I wouldn’t put up with the craps, insults and abuses my gf are putting up with. Good Luck to her is all I can wish her.

Back to practice

Yesterday was my 1st day back to practice after a 6 weeks break as my coach went back to Colombia to visit her mum and siblings. And it wasn’t fun to practice alone using the auto-relay. Beside I fell sick too right after she left – severe cough and flu. I have just recovered miraculously without seeing doctor.

Anyway, on my 1st climbed using the auto-relay, I managed to complete it. But when I wanted to come down, I suddenly forgot how and panicked. Well, I did came down safely but it was not graceful. Haha. And because it was my first climbed plus I held on a bit longer hence my fingers experienced a short period of numbness. But after 10mins it were back to normal.

I continued on my 2nd climb and I was 4 steps away from completing it. I was struggling a bit and tried a few times, but still failed to complete. My coach didn’t push me too hard yesterday as she knew it was my 1st practiced after 6 weeks of absent. For my last climbed of the night, I chose an easy route and completed it. But was a bit clumsy. Can be a bit more graceful. Haha

My coach said I did well overall. My endurance has improved although my techniques are still a long way from perfect. Haha. I have set a goal for myself – to complete 5 climbs in next week 2 hours session class. Wish me luck ok 😁😁😁!