I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.

Advertisements

Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.

IMG_1884IMG_1885IMG_1886IMG_1887IMG_1888

My admissions and confessions

When I didn’t know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn’t reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn’t hate him.

What I did wasn’t right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn’t know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don’t expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn’t share details about him because it wasn’t a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I’m definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.

I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn’t do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won’t revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I’m doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I’m definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn’t want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn’t giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I’m not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn’t do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma’s grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I’m happy now and that’s most important 😀😀. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that’s all I have to share.

Mood swing today

Mood swing started wee morning today. Unable to sleep well as a fair bit of negatives thought were swimming inside my brain and I felt down. In fact I shed a few tears too but it didn’t last long. I couldn’t sleep so I did some spring cleaning on my friends list. I deleted people who no longer I keep in touch, removed myself from inactive group chats and deleted old chat messages between myself and friends who has shown me their selfish side especially Naomi and Nora. I’m totally and utterly disappointed with them. I almost wanted to delete them from my phone book, but I held back. I deleted my chat history with Nora and removed myself from the group chat with Naomi & Gloria. I promised myself I will never allow myself to be taken advantage again.

I seriously feel like distancing myself from them and people who are fake. Lately, I’m becoming a loner. I haven’t left my house for a few days already and I’m actually feeling fine with it. Or maybe I have started to build a wall within my heart to protect myself from being hurt again. I used to be generous and big hearted with people especially with my friends, but what I got back in return is their selfishness. I have been asking myself lately should I terminate my friendship with them as I don’t feel connected to them anymore. Somethings in me have changed since the bad experienced 2 years ago. I don’t look at friendship and relationship in the same ways anymore. I don’t want to be the one always giving and being taken for granted anymore.

Being big hearted, generous and giving only brought me heartaches, disappointment and  negativity. I need to stop doing that to protect myself. To be honest, I lose faith in humanity. Day in and day out I witnessed with my own eyes and experienced first hand the ugliness, selfishness and fakeness of my friends and brother. The more I see and hear  personally, the less I want to know and associated to them. I’m slowly becoming a loner and to be honest, it is kinda peaceful.

I’m beginning to question the important of friendship if I have friends who are selfish and only reach out when they need something from me. What value do they have to add to my life?? The more I try to search for the good things about them, the more I realised they had not done anything for me. I wasn’t a calculative person until now. I don’t keep scores of what I did for my friends and family until now. And it was because of my bad experienced with him. I’m changed because of what he did to me.

Honestly, I will never wish him well. I wished he will be cheated 1 day. Karma will catch up with him. I prayed for that day to happen to him fast. Yes, that were all the ugly thoughts that went thru my mind when I had a terrible mood swing. He robbed too much from me and I wanted him to pay one way or the other. Luckily, it was just thoughts and it passed by quickly.

Anyway, I never allow myself to go on a down spiral into darkness. I managed to control my thoughts and injects positive thinking and energy into my brain so that I can bounce back fast. If I can’t stop thinking negative thoughts, what I will do is distract myself by playing games on my iPad until the negative thoughts passed. Most of the time it works because I stop myself from thinking and focus on just playing games and nothing else.

Oh well, I feel better already. Is time to go to bed so that I can have a good sleep and feels good tomorrow.

Vion – 1 of my best friend of 23 years

Just had a late lunch cum early dinner. Tonight going to attend a Moet party at Arena Bar. Tomorrow will be spending time with 1 of my best friend from Hong Kong, Vion. I have known her for 23 years already. We met in university. We both studied in HPU and during my stayed in Hawaii, she had been a great friend to me. I had a severe lower back pain at 20 years old and couldn’t sit, sleep ad stand without feeling a severe sharp pain. At that time Vion was working as a clerk in a chiropractor’s office. I called her in the middle of the night for helped and she came immediately. She brought the chiropractor with her and to help me to lessen my pain. I was all alone in Hawaii and she was the only friend who had car back then. Subsequently, she arranged for me to go to the chiropractor’s clinic to get treatments. It helped to lessen my lower back pain. I was told by the chiropractor that I had a mild sclerosis and until today I still experience lower back pain. Yoga helps, but if I stand or sit or walk too much, the sharp pain will hits me and makes me grumpy and helpless!

Anyway, coming back to Vion. She is the type of person who shoots her mouth and sometimes her words were very piercing and sarcastic. She speaks her mind and doesn’t gives a rat shit about what people think of her. I can talk to her about anything and everything. She is actually a very caring and nice person if you can accept her bluntness. She is even more blunt than me!!! Haha! Is true. I have accepted her for who she is and doesn’t get offended easily by the words that came out of her mouth. In fact, I can count on her to give me the un-sugarcoated version of things. She will exert her views even if I don’t ask for it 😀! I’m cool with her as overall she means well and just looking out for my best interests.

She always take the initiative to reach out to me by calling me when she hasn’t heard from me for a period of time. Usually we will speak 1-2 times a month just to catch up on life. She is street smart (typical HKger) and is doing fair well as a property agent in HK.

When we were both studying in Hawaii, she would called me up after my night class and asked if I had eaten. When I told her I hadn’t, she would drove to my condo in Waikiki Beach to take me out for dinner. I can still remember an incident where her car was tolled away by the authority because she parked next to the hydrant. We were panicked when we couldn’t find the car. Our 1st thought was it might had been stolen. But when we looked again at the spot she parked, we realised that it was most likely that it was tolled away by the authority. Haha. It was a lesson learnt not to park next to a hydrant.

I’m grateful to have her as my good friend. I told her everything about my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful parts of my life journey. She will always be 1 of my best friend till the end of my life.

Well she has been in KL for more than 1 week, but because she has a fair bit of friends in KL so she only has time to catch up with me tomorrow. Beside, I was busy during weekdays with appointments and meetings so I’m cool to spend time with her tomorrow. I’m going to take her for tim-sum, follow by a site visit, some shopping and then dinner with my dad, stepmom and half sister. They met her before and Vion loves to chat with dad as she always says my dad is a funny man and also she has lots of respects for my dad because of his never gives up fighting spirit. My dad is a super positive man. I believe I inherited his positive thinking 😁!

Oh well, tomorrow night dinner will be full of laughter for sure. I’m actually looking forward to spending time with Vion as her brashness and bluntness are refreshing. But having said that, I have a limit of how many days I can enjoy her company. Not so much because of her, but more to do with myself. I have a need to shutdown and be by myself after spending long amount of time with people irregardless if they are my family or good friends. I just need my alone time to clear my mind and enjoy my own company. If I don’t get that I will become grumpy and irritated. Maybe is because I’m so used to my own company I can’t handle too much time being surrounded by people and noises.

So a day in her company is just perfect for me 😝😁. But now I have to stop here as I need to go and buy some groceries before heading home. Happy weekend everyone!!

 

Stop chasing people….

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren’t doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don’t chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don’t, I don’t too.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don’t give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don’t want to fight for a spot in someone’s life if that person doesn’t gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can’t force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don’t want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I’m willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn’t. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don’t chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn’t had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn’t too late as I’m putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don’t mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn’t really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I’m going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me……😂!

Updates about Xavier & I

“I totally understand u”……said Xavier. He repeated it 3x to me when I explained to him why I needed to take a break from chatting with him. Finally, yesterday afternoon I explained to him clearly the reasons for my decision and also how he made me felt. And his replied was he understand me totally!!! Hmmmm…….does he really understands me??? Maybe!

He also told me that his dad poor health is affecting his mood as he is annoyed with everyone and almost anything nowadays and only he himself can settle it. Meaning only he himself can make himself snap out of the annoyance. I trust that his dad is ill and he is worried about his dad’s health, but I’m doubtful he doesn’t has other reason why he suddenly distance himself from our friendship. Anyway, I’m not sad about his decision as I have learned to accept the fact that people come and go. I have decided not to chase people and let them be.

I have also decided that I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other person puts in. Nothing more and nothin less. I won’t be the giver all the time. It has to be a balance. Actually, it was a good thing that Xavier acts the way he does now as it allows me to see another side of him that further confirmed the fact that it will be hard for me to be emotionally connected to him. I don’t think he knows how to deal with my emotional disclosure. As a friend I don’t expect anything from him so I’m ok with his lack of reactions to my feelings. I told him that I like him, but I’m not able to feel connected to him in the past 5 months. I was hoping that he could made me feel connected to him, but it never happened. He never asked me a single thing about me hence he doesn’t know much about me except what I chose to tell him. He has no in depth knowledge about who I’m at all because I didn’t volunteer any information. If he wants to know, he has to ask. If he doesn’t asks, then he won’t know as I won’t tell.

Nowadays, I have stopped volunteering info about myself. If someone wants to know me better, the person has to ask to show his/her interests in getting to know me. Otherwise what they get is just the surface me. I’m not willing to subject myself to be hurt again, especially by men. And Xavier just sucks as emotional connection. Well, thank god we are just friend and nothing more. And even more thankful is the fact that we didn’t get physical at all!! I didn’t even kiss him as I mentioned in my last post. That just showed that I wasn’t attracted to him romantically and physically. So I’m cool that we have this cool off period. If he reaches out after his dad’s surgery or any other time in the future, I will still reply as after all he is still a nice guy to have as a friend.

But as a potential lover, I doubt it will ever happen as he isn’t exactly my cup of tea unless he miraculously able to make me feel connected to him emotionally. I have my doubts. So for now I will just go with the flow and pay my attention back to my work as business is picking up and more exciting projects in the pipeline.

I shall update if I have any interesting development with Xavier, but don’t hold your breath as I don’t think so 😁! Goodnite world!