The word ‘Promise’

I used to use the word promise a lot up until Feb 2016 before the incident. I also heard a lot of it from ‘Him’, but he never kept any single promise he made. And because of ‘Him’ and what happened, I have stopped using the word ‘Promise’ nor do I ask it from anyone. What’s the use of promising something if the person making it keep breaking it or has no intention to keep it. I usually keep my promise, but I realised not everyone is like me. In fact, majority don’t keep the promised they made to another person. They prefer to lose credibility than to honour their words and keeping the promise.

‘Him’ was a promise breaker and it upset and pissed me off everytime he said he promised, but at the end he just broke his promise and turned around to make me feel bad for chastising him for breaking his promise so that I would shut up. His words and promises meant shit. He bankrupted his credibility. He even admitted to me that he didn’t care if I trusted him or not because he said he did his best. I realised the red flags, but chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe him.

Anyway, nowadays I don’t offer a promise at all to anyone because I don’t want to feel like a fool again for being the only one who keep my words and promises. Like I mentioned before, after 2016, I have changed. A lot of things and people that I were tolerant before, but now not anymore. I really don’t want to feel like a fool again. I’m prepared to lose friends than feeling like a fool again. Yes, losing friends is very painful and sad for me, but if it has to happen, it has to happen.

Never ever make a promise if you don’t intend to keep your promise because it is cruel to make the other person thinks you are going to do what you have promised, but only to turn around that you intentionally and knowingly choose not to keep your promise. So if you want to make a promise, make sure you keep your promise.


Dark thoughts

I have been experiencing dark thoughts since Monday night and it is still lingering around, but I’m able to hold it at bay although there was a moment of weakness where I gave in to darkness and posted an angry post on twitter. But I removed it yesterday afternoon after I had reigned in my dark thoughts. It is fading in and out and there were a handful of times last night that I were very tempted to crush a particular person’s reputation. At that moment, I feel intense hatred for that person until I was looking for ways to destroy that person reputation. But thank god, I didn’t allow the darkness to win. I hate this person so much because of this person existence I couldn’t get what I want.

I hate this person so much that I want to destroy this person life. I know, I know… is extremely bad of me for wanting to destroy this person life, but you know what, I don’t give a shit about this person. And truthfully, the fact that I don’t actually do it shows that I’m able to control my thoughts and actions. I’m entitled to my own thoughts be it good or bad. I’m not a saint so I won’t pretend to be one. At this very moment, the desire to give in to darkness and to destroy that person reputation seems very desirable. I can do it, but I won’t because I won’t allow myself to fall back into darkness again.

In the past, I was always a happy go lucky person with the most positive and bright thoughts about life and people. But then it all changed because of 1 very bad and painful experienced in my personal life that took me 18 months to fully forgive myself for my stupidity and recovered from the unfortunate experienced. It was an expensive lesson of my life and until now I’m still not sure the changes in me are good or bad for me in the long-term.

I used to be very giving, compassionate and encouraging and I didn’t mind my friends or people to feed on my positive energy if they need it, but I now I don’t allow it anymore because I feel that I’m being taken advantage by my friends and people. I become more selfish and guarded with people. I want people to reciprocate or else I won’t even bother at all. I used to reach out willingly because I really care about people, but then I realised that when I needed the same care from the same people I gave willingly before I didn’t get it. I realised the selfishness of those people and they don’t care even if their actions hurt my feelings and our friendship, hence I have decided to stop giving.

In the past I forgive and forget easily people who wronged me, but now I don’t. I used to trust easily, now I don’t. I used to accept people bullshit excuse of being too busy to touch base, but now I don’t. No one will be too busy to reach out if the person wants to. I know for a fact because I do used the same bullshit excuse on people I don’t want to reply to. Hence I know. If they have time to check their FB and comment on their friend’s post, then they definitely have time to reply a WhatsApp message or send a message to keep in touch because it takes less than 10 seconds to type a simple, “Hello, how are you?”. If they can’t even do that to keep the friendship alive and going, then they don’t deserve to be my friend for sure. I have 2 ex best friends who are selfish and I have decided to stop contacting them. Sad for me that our friendship comes to such an end as we used to be so close, but that’s life. The 2 ex best friends were Naomi and Nora.

When they weren’t in a relationship or had relationship issues they ran to me for support and consoling. Called me non-stop even when I was on holidays. Naomi was the worst as she would called me and chatted for hours just to talk about the guy she desperately wanted as her boyfriend, but the guy only treated her as a friend. And she met her current beau through me too. Which I’m cool with it except that I’m not cool with her neglecting the friendship. I remember an incident vividly, She was supposed to go holiday with the current boyfriend and he couldn’t made it due to work so she asked me if I wanted to go Bangkok with her and I said ok. Then she said she would confirmed the date with me and I said cool. When the dates for nearer and I didn’t hear from her, I texted her to ask if the trip still on. And that was when she told me her current boyfriend surprised her with a short break to Japan. I was furious with her because she didn’t had the fucking courtesy to text me to tell me she had to cancel our trip. She had to wait until I asked her only she told me. She is the epitome of desperation. I told her once about my unhappiness with the ways she behaved after she started dating and it was ok for awhile but the friendship was strained already. The last straw for me was when she didn’t even bother to reply to my X’mas wish. And that was when I decided that I had enough of her selfishness. I don’t want to be an idiot and keep giving when she isn’t willing to reciprocate. If I was still the old forgiving me, I would have let her get away with her selfishness.

But the 1 painful experienced with Peter Wittendorp changed the core structures within me. On the faithful night when he accused me of something I didn’t do, I told him he made me into who I’m. When I said that to him, I was speaking out of anger and hurt and I wanted to hurt him back. I didn’t expect my core self to change, but it did. I put my own interests first and I’m more protective of myself. And I see things and people for who they are and not what I choose to see or believe. And I stop accepting their bullshit excuses. Period.

And having dark thoughts are part of me that were never there before the incident with Peter Wittendorp. To be honest, sometimes I wish him immense suffering. In my mind, I would hire a group of thugs to beat him up until he is hospitalised to teach him a lesson for what he did to me and the way he treated and played with my feelings. I want to see him suffer!! But of course, in reality I wouldn’t act out my dark thoughts. But the point I was trying to make is in the past I never wish to see anyone suffer especially him.

Anyway, it feels better to write out my feelings and thoughts openly. Ok, can go to sleep now. Haha


Bangkok Break (24-26 Nov 2017)

Last night in Bangkok. Arrived yesterday (24 Nov 2017) and leaving tomorrow (26 Nov 2017). Staying at Siam Kempinski. This trip is a short break and shopping trip with Gin, my gf. Is darn tiring as we spent long hours shopping and walking.

Now we are waiting for Uber to go to Rod Fai night market! Been waiting for 30mins already although it said he is only 5 mins away. When I ordered the Uber ride it was 6.08pm and 9mins away. Now 6.36pm and 4mins away!! Bangkok traffic is horrendous. A supposing 9mins distance. Crazy!! Finally inside the car and otw to Rod Fai night market.

I bought a lot of tops. Not expensive but nice designs. For daily wear. I’m not brand conscious when it comes to clothes. It sure feels good to wear a designer brand but it doesn’t adds to my self worth. Beside I don’t like to spend my clothes for dry cleaning as it is too troublesome. Hence I usually buy non-branded clothes to wear. I’m a simple person who isn’t brand conscious. And nowadays I will be only dress up when there is an event. Otherwise I prefer comfortable clothes.

This 2nd part is written in a plane as I’m flying back to KL now. The short break and shopping had come to an end so is time to go back to work. Next week should be an interesting week with 3 meetings schedule.

This trip was tiring on my feet as I walked a lot! Every night I needed to soak my feet in hot water to soothe the tiredness. And I ate a fair bit so need to start dieting when I’m back in KL. I have a tummy now 😭😭! Need to get back my flat stomach. We went back to the same local Thai restaurant for lunch 2 days in a row – Taling Pling (restaurant name). The food were yummy and reasonably price.

My verdict of this trip ….hmm, Siam Kempinski is an overrated hotel that isn’t worth the rate they are charging. It is an old and tired hotel that can use a refurbishment. The location is excellent, but not enough to make me want to return to stay again. The customer service was not on par with 5 stars luxury at all. I had problem with the TV in my room for the 2 nights I stayed there. Even after fixing, there were still issues. Pretty annoying to be honest. But I didn’t let it spoilt my holiday. Just don’t think is worth the price I paid for it and definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. And housekeeping standard sucks….on my 1st night I could see the floor was dusty. I expected it to be in tip top condition but it wasn’t. So not happy with that. At best I will rate Siam Kempinski 4 stars. That’s my verdict for the hotel. From the limited photos I took, you can draw the conclusion that the hotel is just normal and nothing to shout about. If it is a great hotel I would had taken a lot more photos. Haha.

As for the trip itself…….not bad overall as I had eaten some delicious local Thai food, bought some inexpensive tops and accessories. But it would be much better if Gin was less budget conscious. Having said that I have to give her a big thumb up for agreeing to stay at Siam Kempinski as it was more expensive than her usual budget. But then she did complaining non-stop too that it was expensive and next time must stay in cheaper hotel. The fact was I asked her if she was ok with the hotel and budget and she said yes. Then she repeated a few times that the hotel too expensive. Sigh. I gave her the chance to say no and even suggest other hotels, but she said go ahead. So I did. Anyway, it wasn’t too unbearable so it didn’t affect me at all. And she can eat a lot so was kinda nice as we ordered many dishes to try. Haha.

Shopping in Bangkok was really fun as I managed to find good quality bargains and there were sale everywhere. So plenty of choices to choose from. I will post some photos of my loots as well πŸ˜‰πŸ˜€.

We talked, but not deep talked as when we were in Bali. This trip she talked about her kids more and I was fine with it. What I didn’t find fine was when she commented that she will just bear with her life even though she feels trap in it! This is something I can’t accept. I’m not asking her to have an exciting life, but at least not waste it away by just accepting the current situation. Fix it! She knows there are issues in her marriage, but she doesn’t wants to talk to her husband about it. And her hubby also doesn’t initiate the talk so both of them ignore the issues and continue living a life that isn’t a fulfilling marital life. Sexless for over 9 years!!! Crazy and unbelievable. Her husband is really weird. I seriously couldn’t understand how they could live a life like that??

Oh well, is her choice so I’m not going to say too much but respect her choice even though I feel that she isn’t living her life to the fullest. Everyone of us have our own destiny and path to follow so it isn’t my place to tell her how to live her life.

So my final verdict on this trip……a good trip although tiring.

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I’m super bored and even then I still don’t spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn’t see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don’t think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don’t add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was “You are a goat”. I replied “huh”. Then his next message was “Don’t contact me again”. The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don’t plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm……nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I’m very focus on my career now and won’t have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren’t many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn’t a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn’t click as the connection weren’t there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don’t live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don’t like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don’t add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don’t feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I’m super bored. Otherwise I couldn’t be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I’m definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn’t in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn’t a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn’t, keep trying. And for those who hasn’t try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn’t frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today’s society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder. Β Cheers.


I missed HIM

Sometimes I really don’t understand myself especially when it has to do with HIM. I still think and miss him occasionally even though when I looked at his pictures I saw a stranger looking back at me. I mean, I don’t know the real him at all. I thought I know him, but apparently I didn’t. I thought I understood him, but I didn’t. I read back some of the old messages and emails that I still have with me and I’m still trouble by the fact that I will never know the truth about why he did what he did to me. I’m not trying to dig out the past. I just wish I had asked him bluntly for the truth and not brushed it aside pretended that I was ok with the past and the need to know didn’t exist! I really wish I had an open conversation with him and ended things between us cordially and amicably. I shouldn’t had acted so rashly. I wish I knew how to let go gracefully and peacefully rather than tried to hold on tightly and did all the stupid things to get his attention.

I missed him. There were times I was praying and hoping we are still talking so that I can reach out to him. Haha. Silly me right? Why would I want to reach out to a man who broke my heart and accused me of things I didn’t do (yes, his accusation still bothers me). If you ask me what I want now, I just want to meet him 1 last time and talk openly. I will answer any questions he asks truthfully and I want him to do the same too. I come to realise that we ended our friendship in such an ugly manner. I’m slightly sad to lose him from my life to be honest. Sometimes I couldn’t help wondering if I pop into his mind and if it did, what was his thought about me at that moment??

If I’m to take a wild guess, I will say I don’t pop into his mind anymore. Even if it did happened, he would had brushed it aside and not think of me. I know for a fact that he will never forgive me for all the things I wrote about him, about us and everything I had shared in this blog. Maybe is a good thing especially when I’m not certain of how I feel about him now. I definitely don’t hate him. Like I said, when I looked at his pictures I see a stranger staring back at me. A face that I know, but a heart and soul that I don’t at all!!

2 years coming and yet there isn’t a single day that I don’t think of him irregardless of my moods and feelings. He never left my mind even though he isn’t in my heart anymore. I just don’t know why I still think of him every single day and missed him occasionally!! I really don’t know. I have been trying to find answer, but haven’t manage to do so yet.

Anyway, I feel slightly better after writing this post. And now I’m sleepy so that are all for now. Goodnite everyone!

p.s. I want to ask him to forgive me, but I will never do so unless he asks for my forgiveness first. So stalemate because it will never happen.

Unedited emails from 2014 – Peter Wittendorp’s own words on admission and confession

Was cleaning up my almost forgotten gmail account and found the followings. Unedited. Part of my life and my past. Not ashamed of my past. To be honest, until today I’m still curious and wonder why he needed to create such a massive lie about his marriage. A question where I will never find out the answer in this lifetime or next or next. Haha.

I don’t feel sad reading back these old emails that I forgot to delete (didn’t realise until now as I don’t check this email account at all). I forgot I saved some of the sweet emails in a gmail account. Double set. Deleted 100% last year when he asked me too from my old email account (over 1000 emails), but totally forgot I saved some of it in my secret and forgotten gmail account until now.

I definitely don’t feel stupid anymore for trusting him wholeheartedly in the past. Making peace with my past hence openly sharing. He was my biggest and painful lesson in life and I’m very sure I was the same for him too.


My admissions and confessions

When I didn’t know how to let go the normal way, I did it the harmful way. Up until now, I have never share on my blog the main reason behind my decision to post all my SMSes and emails history between me and him. I did it because I needed him to hate me to his core so that I would stop hoping for a day he would reach out to me again. Deep down I already know he wouldn’t reach out to me anymore, but my mind was still harbouring a minuscule % of hope that it would happen. I couldn’t hate him.

What I did wasn’t right at all. In fact, it was a crazy move, but it was the only choice I had if I wanted a new beginning. My mind didn’t know how to stop hoping and letting go so the only way I could think of and would work effectively was to make him hates me to his core. He probably might has deleted my existence. I needed to hurt him to free myself. So what about those posts I wrote about him and his pictures posted on my blog? Same reason. It was done for him to hates me. I know it was a very twisted and crazy move on my part and I don’t expect anyone to understand my reason and is ok.

Was there a tinge of revenge element? No. If I wanted to revenge I would have shared more intimate and personal details about him which he told me. I didn’t share details about him because it wasn’t a revenge act on my part. I gained nothing by my action except gaining hatred from him and mind freedom for myself. I’m definitely not justifying my action and not seeking understanding.

I did what I had to do to make myself move on and let go. I did what I had to do to free myself from my own mind trap. I have to be selfish because only me knows what I had to go through for the past 2 years.

A stupid decision to get his attention (I told him I was going to post about us because I wanted to get his attention as he was slipping out of my life back then) and switched off my mobile phone intentionally because I knew he would call me to ask me why I would want to post things about us. I wanted his attention and I did it the wrong way. It was a stupid move. I wouldn’t do it. And by the time I switched on my phone, it was already too late. Damaged done and accusation hurled at me. I regretted for 2 years for behaving so stupidly and for wanting his attention desperately back then. And it was really hurtful to realise that he could think of me to commit such a devious act was breaking my heart to pieces.

Anyway, past is past. I had forgiven myself so I won’t revisit again my stupidity and mistakes I had made. I had no one to blame but myself for wanting him to stay in my life and when he started to pull away I panic and used the one thing he worried the most to get his attention. I never told him that I just said those things to get his attention and to keep him in my life. There were times I wanted to ask him what did I gained from exposing us? Nothing!! If all I ever wanted was to keep him in my life, then why would I be so stupid to post about us when the relationship between us were still intact. Rough, but still intact at that point in time.

And now I’m doing my very best to make him stay away from me. Haha. I’m definitely a nutcase and very extreme. Anyway, let bygone be bygone. I just wanted to confess as I didn’t want to keep it as a secret anymore. The lesson I learnt is never try to get someone attention if he/she isn’t giving it willingly. And never ever use something they fear to get their attention because it will backfire and explore, like it did with me.

It was an expensive lesson and I had paid the price for it for the past 2 years emotionally and mentally so I’m not going to look back with regrets anymore. I definitely didn’t do what he accused me of. I will swear on my favourite grandma’s grave of my innocence. It is important for him to believe me? Not anymore.

Anyway, I’m happy now and that’s most important πŸ˜€πŸ˜€. I hope whoever read this post will not do anything as stupid as I did. Is not worth it at the end of the day because the now who will be hurt the most is yourself. Remember that always.

Ok, that’s all I have to share.