Xavier

I mentioned about Xavier in my previous posts, but not in details. I’m going to write about him in this post. I have been chatting with Xavier for a few months and met him about 5 weeks ago. He is a nice and good guy. Sometimes our chats were fun but sometimes it were boring. He had taught me a fair bit about airline practices and flying. He had shared a lot of funny tales about his work and people he works with. He had shown me some very amazing and stunning pictures he took from the cockpit. I was able to see the world through his photos.

I like him, but the connection isn’t there yet. He doesn’t knows much about me as he doesn’t really asks me questions and I didn’t feel like volunteering. Not sure why he doesn’t asks and I didn’t bother asking him why too. He did asked me if I want to go holiday with him and I didn’t say yes or no. I’m still considering his suggestion, but I’m not leaning towards a yes as I really don’t feel any chemistry with him. Hence I’m taking things slow. I don’t want to mislead him into thinking I like him in a romantic way when I aren’t. I want to spend a bit more time to get to know him and see if we can build the chemistry or not. I don’t mind hanging out with him when he is in KL, but it won’t be anything physical because he doesn’t appeals to me physically (at least not yet).

His dad is diagnosed with cancer hence he has been busy taking his dad to hospital and spending time with his family so we aren’t chatting that much for the last few weeks. I’m ok with it as I understand how stressful it is for him and his family. He loves his dad a lot. A filial son. Do I miss him during this time? Hmmmm………..maybe a bit as I was so used to him chatting with me almost daily, sending pics of himself and updating me what he was doing or going to do. But last few weeks it stopped after his dad condition isn’t great. He did apologised for lack of communication and I’m actually cool with it.

Anyway, I’m not in a hurry to start a relationship as I prefer having him a friend at this moment. I think I will just keep the status quo for now and keep my option open. I never know what god has in store for me. Maybe I will meet my Mr Right in August when I go to Rhodes, Greece for my birthday retreat 😉. I’m hopeful and I believe that when the time is right I will meet the man for me. I just need to have faith.

So for now I will just enjoy my friendship with Xavier.

p.s. I spent 8 hours, starting from 4pm to mid nite and yet I didn’t feel like kissing him. In fact, I was kinda irritated towards the end that he didn’t want to leave even though he was super tired and tipsy. Plus he had to fly the next day. At the end of the night, I just called him a Uber and asked the bodyguard to escort him to the lobby and into the Uber car while I continued to party with my friends at Arena. I spent 8 hours with a man (happy hour, dinner and followed by more drinking at Arena) and yet I didn’t want to kiss him at all just speaks volume about how attracted was he to me. I never had this problem with Peter Wittendorp. I didn’t want my nights with Peter to end at all. I wanted him to be with me as long and as much as possible.

I realised that I couldn’t open up to Xavier and share my thoughts and feelings with him like I did with Peter Wittendorp. I just feel that it will be tough for me to have a deep mental and emotional connection with Xavier. I tried my best to open up to him and share more about myself, but I just couldn’t. He gives me the feeling that it will be hard for us to click and connect on the same wavelength as I did with Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, I have decided not to put so much effort into trying with Xavier. Is either you have chemistry or you don’t. And I guess our chemistry will never be there. So will just leave it as it is and be friends.

Peter Wittendorp Smses to me…..

These SMSes were referring to the conversation we had when Peter Wittendorp told me he had agreed to let ‘her’ check his phone and computer anytime she wanted to do so. I remember clearly as I was driving and when I heard what he told me I was very upset and angry and I cut off our conversation. Subsequently, he tried to call back several times, but I never answered as I was trying to control my tears and was super angry.

He also told me that he told her that he had to inform me of his decision too as he felt I needed to know. Honestly I was confused why I needed to know. I asked him did he want me to stop texting him, if so, just tell me there and then. I further ask him did he want our friendship to end? He said no. But I told him, she would eventually requests that he gave up our friendship as the next step. Might as well end it now (n that was when I put down the phone, he called back several times and subsequent messages as follows)

 

By the time I calmed down enough and called him back, it was around late afternoon as I was leaving office. He told me he just called to tell her (his wife) that his phone was his privacy and he wouldn’t let her check and read the messages. At least that was what he told me over the phone. Of course, I was happy when I heard that but I was also confused why he was willing to do that for me.

Sometimes his actions confused me. Anyway, it was the past. I’m writing it down now because I’m experiencing a flashed back and only by writing it down I can expunge any feelings arising from this flashed back.

I swear that was the conversation we had. I will only write facts and the truth even if the truth hurts me. Only the truth will set me free. What people think of me after reading about my experienced with Peter Wittendorp I don’t care. If I care, I wouldn’t had posted so much. I didn’t do it to revenge. I did it because I want to stop feeling victimised.

No one will understand how I felt for the past 1 year when I was struggling to regain my core self. Anyway, there will be more posts to come.

Dino, my good friend

Lately, I chatted more frequently with an old friend of mine whom I have known for 15 years. I nicknamed him Dino and had also wrote about him in the past in a few of my posts. I never thought that we are still friends after all these years, especially after what happened during our last met up in SG about 10 years or so ago (SG is a curse for me. PERIOD). We actually lost touched for a few years until Dino reached out to me again. I was surprised that he still has my mobile number after all these years. I have been using the same number for over 15 years. But that doesn’t mean everyone will keep my number. Anyway I’m glad and happy he did.

Since then we stayed in touch, but not as frequently as the past 1 year. He was my 1st crush in my mid 20s. Yup! When I was still young and innocent. Haha. Oops, he will probably says he won’t use innocent to describe me (many friends had told me that. haha). I was inexperienced back then as I just joined the real estate industry and hadn’t achieved anything big yet although I was doing decently well financially.  And I was also a rising star in the old company. I never thought Dino would be attracted to me, let alone flirted with me during our few days conference. He lives in HCMC and still is. But we haven’t seen each other since the incident in SG that happened at least a decade ago.

I invited him to come to KL to visit me numerous time, but he never did although he said he would. So I just leave it. If he ever makes it to KL, that will be great. If he doesn’t, is ok too. So what were chatting about? Some unimportant stuffs. I told him I was feeling tired and needed a massage badly. And as usual, when I chatted with people who are on the same wavelength as me, conversation just flow easily and filled with jokes and laughters. I don’t ask a lot from my friends or even the man I like, I just want to experience a connection with them. But I realise it is getting harder to come by nowadays.

I’m a certified sapiosexual (another post for this topic 😜). I asked Dino if he heard of this word before and he said no and asked me what it means? I explained to him and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is usual as sometimes we ended our chats without a goodbye. Haha. When I was super busy, I didn’t even bother to reply him at all and vice versa. I’m cool with it as we are just good friends and nothing more. Therefore no expectations at all. Both of us are grateful and glad that we are still good friends after all these years. He hurt me too, but he apologised in person and explained to me why he did what he did and I forgave him after his honest confession. It happened a long time ago and although I can still remember the details, but I will not bring up the incident anymore as it was the past.

All I want to say is that I’m happy to have Dino as a friend and after all these years are friendship is still alive and active. I enjoy his friendship and hope it will last till our death. Haha. I will tell him this tomorrow and see what he has to say. Is always nice to have someone who can read my mind and also flirt tastefully. Haha.

Till the next update…..

 

 

Friend Zone with Chris

Yesterday afternoon I dropped Chris a message to tell him that I just want us to be friend and nothing more. I also told him I don’t enjoy flirting with him anymore hence this part is out of the picture. I gave him the choice to choose if he still wants to be friend with me or not. And I just heard back from him and he said yes.

He thought I didn’t want to flirt with him was because he couldn’t keep up the flirting/lovership. I told him nothing to do with him. It is me. What I want now is to focus on my business and myself. I’m not in the mood to play the lovership game especially when I don’t feel an attraction toward Chris anymore. I get more adrenalin rush chasing my dream and business goals.

Relationship and men are taking a very back seat at this moment. I need to focus all my energy, time, effort and attention to achieve another success story in the real estate industry. This is my final round returning to the corporate world and the real estate industry so I don’t want to be distracted by someone like Chris whom I’m only interested to have as a friend.

He said he is ok with he friend zone. I asked him does he thinks I care if he is ok with the friend zone or not??? Haha…..

Anyway, I know clearly what I want from a man now. If the man falls short, I will reevaluate and reconsider. I won’t and don’t put up with crap and I will not bite my tongue and hide my feelings. I will speak my mind and be direct. Chris said he prefers and likes my directness. Again, I don’t care he likes/prefers or not. This is who I’m.

Oh well…..glad that Chris is in the friend zone now.

Time to wake up and let go of Peter Wittendorp

April 18 will be exactly 1 year that Peter Wittendorp is out of my life. It is time for me to let go of the gazillion % of hope that he will 1 day reach out to me to iron things out and be in my life again. Is time to wake up and accept the reality and fact that his journey in my life has ended 1 year ago. Although I cursed him and always said that I didn’t want him in my life (yes it was also the truth and fact), but there were also some moments that I wished he would miraculously appear in my life and we will have an adult conversation to clear the air of all misunderstanding and accusations. I also wished we would say sorry in person and forgive each other for all the nasty things we had said. But I know it will never ever happen. Deep down I know our path has ended, but yet I’m too stubborn to accept this fact. I was holding on to a non-existent glimmer of hope instead of letting go.

But now it is really time to wake up and stop wishing. It is time to let go, move on and stop thinking about him. I need to let go of our memories, both good and bad if I want to get him out of my mind. We will never be friend in this lifetime anymore. It is really time for me to stop writing about him or mention him in my posts. It is not doing me any good if I continue to write about him because then I’m keeping him alive in my mind. I can’t continue to allow him to stay in my mind. I need to create space for someone new to enter my life who will treats me good and with respect. I need to give myself a chance to meet someone who will be mine and mine only.

With a sigh and a bit of heavy heart I’m finally ready to close the door and the chapter of my story with Peter Wittendorp. I promised this will be the last time I will write his name and mentioned him in my post. I wish I could turn back the clock and thrash things out openly and honestly rather than cowardly running away from the issues, accusations and misunderstandings. Anyway I’m going to stop wishing and start accepting and letting go of my mistakes. And for the final time I’m going to admit openly and in writing that I do miss him.

With finality I’m closing Peter Wittendorp’s chapters in my life journey.

THE END

Holiday with Gin

Inside the plane and on the way back to KL. My short escape to Bali with my gf, Gin, ended today. Initially I wasn’t sure how would it be liked to go on holiday with her as my last experienced was more than a decade ago…..17-18 years ago when we worked in the same hotel in KL. There was where I met her and we grew close very fast. She was a nice and friendly person and she still is today, but I have a new found respect for her that never existed before.  We had long and very open conversations about life, men, relationship and everything that crossed our mind. No judgment was passed between us. We talked like 2 old friends who are always in each other life rather than apart for so long. We laughed silly, we shopped, we drank cocktails and enjoyed each other company.

She got married when she was 26 years and been married for 15 years now with 2 daughters. She is not in love with her husband, but she isn’t miserable in the marriage. She described it as a comfortable marriage that are filled with familiarity and obligations. The passion in her marriage was long gone. They haven’t have sex since the birth of her youngest daughter so should be at least 8 years. A sexless marriage. I asked her why? She said she doesn’t wants her husband to touch her. I asked her doesn’t he has a need for it or want it. She said he is ok without the sex too. I asked her doesn’t she craves for sex and intimacy. She does but she doesn’t wants her husband to touch her. In fact her husband isn’t the touchy-feely type at all. She asked him to hug her and he said no. He doesn’t kiss her anymore and even when they are out they don’t hold hand anymore. I find it a tad sad as she was still young. Although she said she doesn’t mind and will stay in the marriage as her husband is a good guy, but I told her honestly I think she deserve to set herself and her husband free from the loveless and sexless marriage before she regrets a few years down the road when her daughters are older and don’t need her as much as now.

She admitted that she did think of running away before she walked down the aisle, but she didn’t. She married because she was influenced by her mum that she had to marry at certain age and etc since she was young. She admitted that if she had married later it would have been different. But maybe she is fated to be with her husband. I saw her husband pics and lets just say she could married better.

I told her about my various loverships, past and present. I told her about my sexual experienced and which man gave me the best orgasms. Hahahahaha. I told her about Peter Wittendorp and how he broke my heart including his accusations and the posts I wrote about him on my blogs and admitted to her I kinda miss him now. I showed her his pic and she commented he looks not bad. I didn’t feel sad when I told her the story about Peter Wittendorp and I anymore. Gin told me like all my friends had been telling me that 1 day I will not think and miss Peter anymore. I know I will.

Gin and I we talked a lot about everything and anything. I also told her about Chris, Ian and my other ex-lovers, part-time lovers and we had a good laughed about our sexual experienced, men cock sizes and bed skills. For me, Ian by far was the best ex-lover as his  oral skills were just mind blowing and he never failed to give me multiple orgasms. Chris probably 2nd best. What about Peter then? Hmmmm………let’s just said I like the size of his dick, but he didn’t manage to give me multiple orgasms. I can go into details, but I choose not to not because I’m afraid to share with the world, it is just because I’m not ready to share the details yet. Maybe 1 day I will.

It felt great to be able to talk to Gin openly and honestly especially when we had not been in each other life much for more than a decade. If she didn’t initiated contact beginning of this year, this mini break might not had happened. I’m happy she reached out and stays in touch. I will not hesitate to go holidays with her again, but she can’t do it too often as she has a family to take care of especially her daughters. She did said that she will dedicate more time to herself and does things she likes and enjoys. She shared with me some health tips which I find it useful.

She also admitted to me she experienced postpartum depression, but it was a mild one so she recovered fairly quickly. This trip brought us closer to each other and I’m super happy and glad that our friendship has a new lease of life, but I gain another good friend that I can confide in. I’m lucky to have good friends that don’t pass judgement at all. Not that I care what they think of me, but is always nice to be able to talk without censoring my thoughts.

I mentioned I have a new found respect for her was because she dares to admit her weaknesses, such as low self-esteem, her wrong reason for getting married and etc. I can tell she is living her life as herself and not trying to put on a show for the world to approve. But her communication style with her husband and her kids is really unique. Haha.

Anyway, it was a fun trip with great time spent with a genuine friend who has always accepted me for me. She actually told me she was surprised that I have more patience now than before and that I’m an improving and growing individually. She admires the fact that I do self-evaluation and change things about myself that I don’t like. She said she doesn’t does that. I told her to give it a try. Change for herself but no one else.

This holiday with Gin had showed and reminded me that true friendship can stand the test of time no matter how long we hadn’t spoken or saw each other. A true friend will always be by our side and to be rediscovered when the time is right. I’m lucky to have genuine friends. I’m lucky to have good friends like Gin who knows the core me. Definitely a great holiday because I rebuild a friendship and regain a good friend for life.

Till my next holiday with Gin …….😁

 

 

Negatives feeling for Chris

My feeling for Chris has turned negative lately. Why? Because his actions such as MIA and taking long time to reply my WhatsApp reminded me too much of Peter Wittendorp. The similarities are just too hard for me to miss and ignore especially when it brought back the same negative feelings and vibes I felt when I was with Peter. I pulled myself out of the rut and still recovering, I really don’t want to go through it again. Is not worth it! I don’t even love Chris and we are just FWB. I really don’t want to put myself through it again so I took a drastic move,  delete Chris number from my handphone.

This way I feel like I’m cutting off my connection to him. I actually feel good doing so because I don’t feel obligated to reply to him. I actually don’t miss him as I used to. I don’t enjoy the negative feeling I’m feeling because of his shitty behaviours and I don’t want to explain to him or ask him to change. He is being himself and beside he is nobody to me except FWB. So cutting tie to him and walking away is an easy task. Cleaner.

I did considered telling him how his shitty behaviours made me feel, but at the end I decided not to because he isn’t important to me. So don’t bother to waste my breath. I don’t know if he will still reach out to me, my guess is he will in a couple of days as he always does after a long stretch of silence from my end or his end. Anyway, whether he reaches out or not, my interests in him is nil now. I have decided I will delete his message without reading it because it will be the same old same old. Apology for MIA on me, long silent and admission he is an ass. I heard it too many times until I couldn’t feel touched by his apology anymore. I have enough and I don’t want it anymore.

Anyway, is actually nice to cut off people who don’t value my friendship. I will only give my time to people who deserve it. I have learned my lesson and I won’t hesitate to severe friendship or cut ties when they don’t add to my happiness quotient. For the past 2-3 months Chris failed to add to my happy quotient so it isn’t a loss to let him go. Sayonara.