I have been experiencing dark thoughts since Monday night and it is still lingering around, but I’m able to hold it at bay although there was a moment of weakness where I gave in to darkness and posted an angry post on twitter. But I removed it yesterday afternoon after I had reigned in my dark thoughts. It is fading in and out and there were a handful of times last night that I were very tempted to crush a particular person’s reputation. At that moment, I feel intense hatred for that person until I was looking for ways to destroy that person reputation. But thank god, I didn’t allow the darkness to win. I hate this person so much because of this person existence I couldn’t get what I want.
I hate this person so much that I want to destroy this person life. I know, I know…..it is extremely bad of me for wanting to destroy this person life, but you know what, I don’t give a shit about this person. And truthfully, the fact that I don’t actually do it shows that I’m able to control my thoughts and actions. I’m entitled to my own thoughts be it good or bad. I’m not a saint so I won’t pretend to be one. At this very moment, the desire to give in to darkness and to destroy that person reputation seems very desirable. I can do it, but I won’t because I won’t allow myself to fall back into darkness again.
In the past, I was always a happy go lucky person with the most positive and bright thoughts about life and people. But then it all changed because of 1 very bad and painful experienced in my personal life that took me 18 months to fully forgive myself for my stupidity and recovered from the unfortunate experienced. It was an expensive lesson of my life and until now I’m still not sure the changes in me are good or bad for me in the long-term.
I used to be very giving, compassionate and encouraging and I didn’t mind my friends or people to feed on my positive energy if they need it, but I now I don’t allow it anymore because I feel that I’m being taken advantage by my friends and people. I become more selfish and guarded with people. I want people to reciprocate or else I won’t even bother at all. I used to reach out willingly because I really care about people, but then I realised that when I needed the same care from the same people I gave willingly before I didn’t get it. I realised the selfishness of those people and they don’t care even if their actions hurt my feelings and our friendship, hence I have decided to stop giving.
In the past I forgive and forget easily people who wronged me, but now I don’t. I used to trust easily, now I don’t. I used to accept people bullshit excuse of being too busy to touch base, but now I don’t. No one will be too busy to reach out if the person wants to. I know for a fact because I do used the same bullshit excuse on people I don’t want to reply to. Hence I know. If they have time to check their FB and comment on their friend’s post, then they definitely have time to reply a WhatsApp message or send a message to keep in touch because it takes less than 10 seconds to type a simple, “Hello, how are you?”. If they can’t even do that to keep the friendship alive and going, then they don’t deserve to be my friend for sure. I have 2 ex best friends who are selfish and I have decided to stop contacting them. Sad for me that our friendship comes to such an end as we used to be so close, but that’s life. The 2 ex best friends were Naomi and Nora.
When they weren’t in a relationship or had relationship issues they ran to me for support and consoling. Called me non-stop even when I was on holidays. Naomi was the worst as she would called me and chatted for hours just to talk about the guy she desperately wanted as her boyfriend, but the guy only treated her as a friend. And she met her current beau through me too. Which I’m cool with it except that I’m not cool with her neglecting the friendship. I remember an incident vividly, She was supposed to go holiday with the current boyfriend and he couldn’t made it due to work so she asked me if I wanted to go Bangkok with her and I said ok. Then she said she would confirmed the date with me and I said cool. When the dates for nearer and I didn’t hear from her, I texted her to ask if the trip still on. And that was when she told me her current boyfriend surprised her with a short break to Japan. I was furious with her because she didn’t had the fucking courtesy to text me to tell me she had to cancel our trip. She had to wait until I asked her only she told me. She is the epitome of desperation. I told her once about my unhappiness with the ways she behaved after she started dating and it was ok for awhile but the friendship was strained already. The last straw for me was when she didn’t even bother to reply to my X’mas wish. And that was when I decided that I had enough of her selfishness. I don’t want to be an idiot and keep giving when she isn’t willing to reciprocate. If I was still the old forgiving me, I would have let her get away with her selfishness.
But the 1 painful experienced with Peter Wittendorp changed the core structures within me. On the faithful night when he accused me of something I didn’t do, I told him he made me into who I’m. When I said that to him, I was speaking out of anger and hurt and I wanted to hurt him back. I didn’t expect my core self to change, but it did. I put my own interests first and I’m more protective of myself. And I see things and people for who they are and not what I choose to see or believe. And I stop accepting their bullshit excuses. Period.
And having dark thoughts are part of me that were never there before the incident with Peter Wittendorp. To be honest, sometimes I wish him immense suffering. In my mind, I would hire a group of thugs to beat him up until he is hospitalised to teach him a lesson for what he did to me and the way he treated and played with my feelings. I want to see him suffer!! But of course, in reality I wouldn’t act out my dark thoughts. But the point I was trying to make is in the past I never wish to see anyone suffer especially him.
Anyway, it feels better to write out my feelings and thoughts openly. Ok, can go to sleep now. Haha