Demon in us

I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, “there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it”. What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren’t born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn’t up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.

I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn’t do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn’t hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn’t stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn’t do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren’t and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don’t feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn’t care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn’t deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn’t hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn’t like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don’t want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn’t want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn’t have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I’m very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don’t feel the darkness in me anymore. I don’t have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don’t even want to mention his name further because I don’t want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don’t turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I’m very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I’m able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I’m happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don’t wish him dead anymore, but I also can’t bring myself to wish him well because I don’t feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn’t mean I want to wish him well. I haven’t forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn’t consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven’t forgotten yet. And I don’t think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it. (Peter Wittendorp’s Accused His Wife Cheated on Him) . Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn’t be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha……

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I’m not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I’m who I’m. And I don’t need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn’t, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too!

Advertisements

Narcissist Mum

About 45mins ago, while having my dinner and reading on my iPad, a text popped up very unexpectedly and it was from my narcissist mum!! I was surprised to read her message as I haven’t spoken to her for minimum 6 years and I intend to keep it status quo. When I checked my phone, I saw a missed call from the same number as the text. She always changed her phone number hence every time she reached out I had to block her new number again. And this was what I did tonight when I saw her missed call and text.

She doesn’t write good English so the text she sent to me she must had gotten helps from someone. She asked me to forgive her for what happened between us 6 years ago. Well, she chose $$$ over me 6 years ago and had agreed to terminate our mother-daughter relationship so she can’t take back her words now. I have forgiven her, but I don’t want her back into my life. Bottomline I don’t want to have anything to do with her irregardless if it is a matter of life or death!! I have already written her off from my life and I have accepted the fact that I will never speak to her again, which is very fine by me.

Her existence is irrelevant to me anymore. I gave her so  many chances and yet she never changed. There is a limit to how many chances a person should get irregardless who they are in your life, even if they are your parents. At this stage of my life, I want to avoid conflicts and dramas as I want to have a stress free and a peace of mind. She is a narcissist because everything is about her. She is destructive to anyone who is good to her.

It is her pattern to reach out to me during holiday seasons or Chinese New Year as she hopes I will allow her back into my life like I used to do so. She still thinks a simple sorry is all it takes for me to welcome back into my life. She doesn’t understand or maybe she doesn’t wants to accept the fact that this time I’m dead serious when I told her I will severe our mother-daughter relationship. I have forgiven her, but I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. She is just a stranger to me. I don’t give a rat shit if she is dead or alive. Basically, I don’t want to hear from her and more importantly, I don’t want to have anything to do with her. Period!!

I told my brother and he agreed with me that the reason she reached out is most likely she needs cash again. I think my brother still gives her money occasionally and that’s all the extent of their relationship. He doesn’t talks to her anymore too. She will call my brother’s PA if she needs anything from my brother. I felt sorry and sad for her that she lost her kids over money. But it was her choice, so she can’t turn back now and hope everything will be good again and that we will take care of her. I won’t take care of her and nothing anyone says will change my mind because I won’t change my mind. You can say I’m heartless and cold-hearted, which I don’t give a damn.

I wouldn’t be heartless and cold-hearted towards her if she didn’t treat me badly. I thought I might be a bit sad or upset writing this post, but I didn’t feel any of the negatives feeling so all is good. Anyway, is my choice to severe our relationship and I will not regret it at all.

Enough about my narcissist mum!

2 hours indoor rock climbing private lessons

I have decided to renew another 10 private sessions of indoor rock climbing and this time I will sign up for 2 hours session per class. It will starts next Wednesday. I’m falling in love with this sport. And I bought a pair of shoes so that I don’t need to rent anymore. I decided to sign up for the 2 hours session because I want to build up my endurance and stamina quicker. I’m still a novice climber after 8 sessions of 1 hour lesson because I don’t practice after my lessons. I should and I want to, but practicing alone is very boring. I don’t have friends who share my hobby at all.  Therefore I have decided to take a 2 hours session instead.

Sometimes I was pissed off with my instructor because she would never let me come down even though I exhausted myself and couldn’t climb up anymore. She kept pushing me and encouraging me to complete the route. Which frustrated me sometimes when I couldn’t complete the climb. I couldn’t complete because I was scared to let go and grab the next hold. I was scared that my face would hit the wall. It might happen, but very minimal chance. Bottomline I was scared to let go. It was a mental barrier than a physical inability although physically I’m weak too. But the actual truth is I was scared to let go and I’m working hard to overcome this state of fear. And to be honest, I’m grateful to my instructor, Ana, for pushing me to complete and never gives up.

I never give up so easily in business, so I shouldn’t give up too easily in rock climbing too. It might take me awhile to overcome my fear, but I will conquer it. I need to learn fast and work harder so that I can tone up quicker too. Haha. Actually, I need to lose some belly fat that I accumulated over the last few months due to eating and my laziness to exercise 😆😆😆!

I will know how I fair next week once I start my 2 hours session class. Hehe. Will share more then. Cheers for now….Happy weekend!

A little bit about “Me”

November is a slow month. No meetings schedule till next week. Been sitting at home waiting for decisions from Developers. Really bored. So today decided to have a late lunch at LeBar Sofitel KL as I want to get out of the house. Been holed up in the house for the entire week except went out for groceries shopping. Ordered food delivery hence didn’t need to go out for food too. Hahaha.

I literally sat at home and played game to prevent my brain from thinking too much. I’m also trying not to do to many soul searching thinking as I did a lot of that in the past 1.5 years and I’m sure I know myself much more deeply now. I don’t want to plan too far ahead as I don’t know what is around the corner waiting for me. There are things I want to achieve in life and I’m working very hard to achieve my goals. Basically, I need to rebuild my financial nest. Once my financial is back to a stable and healthy level I will be able to embark on my colourful life journey again. I have to temporary slow it down because I have a fair bit of financial obligations that I need to fulfill and without a steady flow or a large chunk of income stream going into my bank account, I can’t freely embark on my colourful life journey. Is kinda frustrating sometimes as I can’t go out and do what I want to, but I have to be patient because I put myself in this predicament by investing too much properties when the market was booming and now I’m stuck with properties that I can’t sell yet and took too long to rent it out. So it burnt a hole in my bank account. Plus a huge chunk of my cash is stuck in stock market as I can’t sell the shares I bought at the peak because the prices are super low now. So have to wait for it to climb back to a healthy level before I cash out. And I hadn’t worked for almost 3 years and living on my savings so depleting my bank account further. And although I started working again last year, the salary I received was way too pathetic that it wasn’t even enough to cover my condo monthly instalment. I did closed a few deals, but only enough to help em to cover my living expenses. At least it helps to pay bills, but definitely not enough to allow me to indulge in the type of colourful life journey that I was used to. Temporary setback until I get my financial back on track.

So now what I have to do is work hard and work smart to build up my financial again. I have a strong feeling that 2018 will be a great year for me. Once my financial is back to a healthy level, I will relook into going back to university for my MBA in psychology. It has always been my wish to go back to graduate school for this subject. Human behaviour is an interesting subject for me to analyse and explore. I wished I took up psychology during my undergraduate rather than business management and marketing. Anyway, it isn’t too late for me to pursue this subject. At least now, I study for fun and not to get a job so the pressure is off to deliver good grades. Haha. Anyway, I was an alright student seeing that I rarely study except 1 week before the exam. My overall GPA was 3.5 so ain’t too bad. I would say I’m a street smart person more than book smart although I like to read a lot. Just not educational materials. Haha.

I’m a rebellious kid since I was young being the eldest not only in my family, but in the entire clan too. So I got pampered a lot even though I grew up in a broken family. My grandma (dad’s side) not only loved me a lot, but she pampered and spoiled me to the maximum. Although I had a few years of very sad and dark childhood, I still grew up alright because of my grandma. I loved her loads, but when I was younger I didn’t show her my love enough and definitely didn’t know how to appreciate her until much later in life which was already too late as she passed away almost 15 years. She didn’t get to see my success today. If she is still around today I’m sure she will be very proud of me. I miss her. I miss my grandma. Without her unwavering love and support I wouldn’t be who I’m today. I owe part of what I own today to my grandma. She didn’t only give me love, attention, but she also supported my financially when my dad was poor and couldn’t support me. And I don’t remember thanking my grandma properly. I think there were many moments that I found her annoying and irritating. I was very impatient with her as she got older and slower in her movements. I also didn’t spend enough time with her when she was alive. Now that I’m writing about my grandma, I’m feeling sad as I didn’t spend enough time with her before she passed away. And I didn’t say a proper thank you and goodbye to her. I think I will do it now.

“Ma Ma, thank you for your love, care and support for me when I was growing up. You were my anchors. Without you, I might not have achieved so much in life and be who I’m today. You will always be in my heart. And I’m sorry for not being a better granddaughter. I miss you a lot 😘😘. I hope you are happy where you are now. I’m sure you are in heaven. I love you always”

I’m feeling emotional now. And I’m sobbing while writing the above. I’m still sitting in LeBar in Sofitel and trying to hold back my tears. Haha.

I grew up in a broken family and had experienced 1st hand being neglected by my parents. My mum was because she had me when she was too young and just never grew up. My dad was because he had to work to support the family so always not around as he was a traveling salesman then. My dad still travels a lot now, but it doesn’t bothers me anymore as I’m a grown woman now. I never experienced growing up in a loving and intact family so it created a problem for me when I was growing up because I became insecure. I seek attention and associated to getting attention as getting love. Even until I was in my mid-30s’, I was still insecure and always wanting attention. I only managed to find inner peace and accepted myself 100% about 5 years ago. I’m still work in progress, but I’m in a better place now than I was 5 years ago and definitely better than I was last year after the bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp. That changed me even though I didn’t want to admit, but it did changed me. I’m not sure if my changes are good for me in the long-term yet as I’m still improving on myself. But for now, I like who I’m becoming into after the shitty experienced. I didn’t deserve what Peter Wittendorp did to me before, during and after.

Anyway, I will let bygone be bygone.

Oh well, I better stop here as I want to head home now……Happy Sunday everyone!!

 

 

 

 

 

My today’s thoughts and feelings

I had a weird dream last night. Totally unexpected and kinda surreal. Surreal because it was so real, but yet in reality it will never happen. So what did I dreamt about? I dreamt I had a civilised and friendly tele-conversation with him. He rang me up out of the blue and we started talking like old times. I find it weird and surreal because I know for a fact it won’t happen in real life. And it isn’t something I wish for anymore. In the past, I would pray and wish that 1 day he will be a part of my life again, but not anymore. To say I don’t miss him is a lie. Occasionally I did think and miss him, but the thought and feel were flitting. 2 years coming and I have gotten myself and my life back on track and out of the emotional sinkhole.

If I’m honest with myself, I don’t despise him anymore. I used to, but not anymore. The need to seek the truth and prove my innocent are gone from m radar. I don’t despise him, but that doesn’t mean I will wish him well in his life. I won’t because I’m no longer as kind and caring as I used to be. That part of me is gone and I’m not sure if it will ever comes back. I clearly know who I’m now. I know what I want out of life and what I don’t. I own my feelings and emotions and acknowledge it openly. I don’t hide behind a mask nor am I afraid to show my true self to people. You can either choose to like me or you don’t. Either way is fine. I don’t need to make everyone likes me.

Anyway, coming back to my dream. I’m not sure why I dreamt of him and that we were on good terms. Maybe my subconscious mind was just reflecting what I truly wanted, but   my conscious mind will not admit it. Hahaha.

Just wanted to write down this weird dream and how I felt about it? That’s all…..

Death

2 of my friends parent passed away recently. My best friend, her mum passed away about 1.5 weeks ago and she flew all the way back from US to attend her funeral. Her relationship with her mum was estranged due to her bad childhood. She hadn’t spoken to her mum for a decade up to her passing and she attended her funeral to get the closing and move on in life. It was good for her to be able to make peace with her inner self and stop being angry with her mum as she used to. I’m wondering if I will attend my mum’s funeral when she passed away as I haven’t spoken to her for 6-7 years already. I don’t know until the day comes.

I’m not angry at my mum. I just don’t like to be sucked into her life which is full of dramas!! And I don’t want to be affected by her negatives energy. I don’t hate my mum honestly. She wasn’t a good mum, but not abusive. More like psychotic as she gave birth to me when she was in her late teens hence she didn’t know how to be a good parent and mother. She never grows up herself to be honest. She is still irresponsible and self-centered. But she is who she is. I did wished I had a good mother-daughter relationship when I was younger, but now not anymore. It is pointless to wish for the moon when I know I can’t get the moon no matter how hard I try so accepting the fact is a much better way to live my life. I definitely don’t love her because she doesn’t deserves it. I can’t love someone who never loves me. Fact of my life.

My business partner cum friend’s dad passed away over the weekend after a fall on thursday night, head injury, internal bleeding and coma. My partner was a very filial son to his dad. He never failed to take care of him when his dad was sicked and hospitalised. He took turned to take care of his dad with his elder’s brother. He complaint, but he did it willingly. He complaint out of frustrations as his dad was a stubborn man. His dad’s health wasn’t good this entire year as he was in and out of hospital so maybe it was a good thing that his dad didn’t need to suffer anymore. Sad, but death is inevitable. None of us will get out alive. Just a matter of when we are destined to die. We aren’t immortal hence why do we make our life so difficult and challenging for ourselves. Always remember that we are on borrowed time on this earth. Only 2 things are permanent – death and change.

I’m very close to my dad. I love my dad a lot although we don’t spend as much time as we used to now that my dad is always busy traveling for his business. But we still talk and try to catch up for dinner whenever we are available. My dad is 65 this year, but he doesn’t looks like his age. He is a hip and stylish manor his age. Haha. A flamboyant man who goes to gym 3 hours daily when he is in KL and travels around the world at least 60% of his time for business. He had been to more places than me. Is he a great dad? Yes and no. He did the best he could to provide a good and stable life and for that I will always be grateful to him. But he wasn’t involved in my life since I was a kid hence I grew up without both parents to guide me except my grandma (my dad’s mother). That was also the main reason why I’m so independent and tough now. Have I wished to grew up in a loving family., of course yes. But it never happened to me and it is too late already  to experience it now. I’m too old for that loving family shit. As I have always wrote, my life isn’t perfect and I ain’t perfect, but I have a life that I’m proud of and happy with. I’m self-reliant and self-sufficient. I don’t feel my life is incomplete just because I’m still single.

My dad also encourages me to stay single if I don’t meet a man who can be good to me. Haha. My dad is super open-minded and modern. I will definitely miss him if 1 day he isn’t around anymore. I will try to spend as much time with him as I can, but sometimes I’m really really lazy I have to admit. Haha. We travelled as a family in 2014 and I think I will want to travel with him again next year. I will make it an effort and I will make sure that he agrees to go with me too together with my step mum and 2 half younger sisters. My brother isn’t on good terms with my dad hence I don’t think he will wants to join me to travel with my dad.

Anyway, my wishes for my dad is he stays healthy and energetic as long as possible because I will be devastatingly sad if he isn’t around in my life anymore. I want my dad to be immortal if can. Haha. Yes, crazy thinking! Death isn’t scary once you have accepted the fact that is it inevitable.

 

 

The BITCH

Have you wished in your mind that someone you hate is dead?? I did and it was as recent as few days ago. It was my 1st time in my entire life that I wished the bitch is dead. I kept cursing her in my mind and repeating my wish of her death like a mantra. It was a very dark and evil thought to wish the death of another human being. No matter what the bitch had done to me, I still shouldn’t had wished for her death because it isn’t right. But I don’t want to lie, I did wish she is dead . I cursed her in my mind. I must hate this bitch to my core to wish for her death. What had she done to me that was so bad until I was wishing she is dead??? Hmmmmm…………I don’t want to upset myself by openly writing about this bitch.

It isn’t right to wish someone is dead and I’m openly admitting my dark thought because I choose to live my life openly and I don’t want to hide it. 1st step to living a carefree life is not to hide any aspects of my life be it good, bad, ugly or beautiful. I hate the bitch. That’s all I have to say about this bitch.

p.s. I wonder how many people dare to admit their darkest thought openly? I wonder how many people shared the same wish as me on someone they hate to the core??