Don’t Feel Stupid For Loving The Wrong Person

I copied the whole article I came across on Thought Catalog as it described my feeling and thinking to a T. There were times I did everything described as below. It wasn’t something I wanted to think and feel, but unfortunately sometimes my mind was still trying to find answers to all the whys that are still bothering me. Honestly, I’m still trying to learn to forgive myself for my stupidity for trusting a man who turned out to be untrustworthy (I’m not going to start ranting and writing about the man anymore).

Anyway, when I came across this article I just knew I have to share and post it on my blog to remind me that I shouldn’t feel stupid at all. Is easier said than done, but I’m learning to stop beating myself up for my stupidity and blind trust in a man whom I loved much more than I ever admitted to him.

“You look back and you just feel stupid.
You can’t forgive yourself for falling
or believing all the lies.
You reread every text.
You relive every memory.
And it all starts making sense —
he never wanted love.
He only wanted attention.
He only wanted validation.
He only wanted you
when she didn’t want him.
And you thought he was different,
you thought he won’t lie to you,
you thought that he’d be so dumb
to lie to you out of everyone else.
Because you’ve always been the one
who talked to him about fairytales.
You’ve always been the one
who told him you can’t stand his games.
But he lied to you anyway,
because he could,
because that’s who he is.
He broke your heart and
didn’t lose sleep over it
because that’s who he is,
he’s selfish and self-absorbed.
He doesn’t understand fragile hearts.
He doesn’t understand you.
He doesn’t understand love.
But don’t feel stupid for loving him,
for it’s never stupid to love.
And it’s never dumb to believe.
It’s not wrong to fall,
what’s wrong is letting guys like him
spoil your idea of love.
Because really the only thing stupid here
is the fact that he let you go.
but you — you are brave and smart,
and your heart is magnanimous”

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, 

Vion – 1 of my best friend of 23 years

Just had a late lunch cum early dinner. Tonight going to attend a Moet party at Arena Bar. Tomorrow will be spending time with 1 of my best friend from Hong Kong, Vion. I have known her for 23 years already. We met in university. We both studied in HPU and during my stayed in Hawaii, she had been a great friend to me. I had a severe lower back pain at 20 years old and couldn’t sit, sleep ad stand without feeling a severe sharp pain. At that time Vion was working as a clerk in a chiropractor’s office. I called her in the middle of the night for helped and she came immediately. She brought the chiropractor with her and to help me to lessen my pain. I was all alone in Hawaii and she was the only friend who had car back then. Subsequently, she arranged for me to go to the chiropractor’s clinic to get treatments. It helped to lessen my lower back pain. I was told by the chiropractor that I had a mild sclerosis and until today I still experience lower back pain. Yoga helps, but if I stand or sit or walk too much, the sharp pain will hits me and makes me grumpy and helpless!

Anyway, coming back to Vion. She is the type of person who shoots her mouth and sometimes her words were very piercing and sarcastic. She speaks her mind and doesn’t gives a rat shit about what people think of her. I can talk to her about anything and everything. She is actually a very caring and nice person if you can accept her bluntness. She is even more blunt than me!!! Haha! Is true. I have accepted her for who she is and doesn’t get offended easily by the words that came out of her mouth. In fact, I can count on her to give me the un-sugarcoated version of things. She will exert her views even if I don’t ask for it 😀! I’m cool with her as overall she means well and just looking out for my best interests.

She always take the initiative to reach out to me by calling me when she hasn’t heard from me for a period of time. Usually we will speak 1-2 times a month just to catch up on life. She is street smart (typical HKger) and is doing fair well as a property agent in HK.

When we were both studying in Hawaii, she would called me up after my night class and asked if I had eaten. When I told her I hadn’t, she would drove to my condo in Waikiki Beach to take me out for dinner. I can still remember an incident where her car was tolled away by the authority because she parked next to the hydrant. We were panicked when we couldn’t find the car. Our 1st thought was it might had been stolen. But when we looked again at the spot she parked, we realised that it was most likely that it was tolled away by the authority. Haha. It was a lesson learnt not to park next to a hydrant.

I’m grateful to have her as my good friend. I told her everything about my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful parts of my life journey. She will always be 1 of my best friend till the end of my life.

Well she has been in KL for more than 1 week, but because she has a fair bit of friends in KL so she only has time to catch up with me tomorrow. Beside, I was busy during weekdays with appointments and meetings so I’m cool to spend time with her tomorrow. I’m going to take her for tim-sum, follow by a site visit, some shopping and then dinner with my dad, stepmom and half sister. They met her before and Vion loves to chat with dad as she always says my dad is a funny man and also she has lots of respects for my dad because of his never gives up fighting spirit. My dad is a super positive man. I believe I inherited his positive thinking 😁!

Oh well, tomorrow night dinner will be full of laughter for sure. I’m actually looking forward to spending time with Vion as her brashness and bluntness are refreshing. But having said that, I have a limit of how many days I can enjoy her company. Not so much because of her, but more to do with myself. I have a need to shutdown and be by myself after spending long amount of time with people irregardless if they are my family or good friends. I just need my alone time to clear my mind and enjoy my own company. If I don’t get that I will become grumpy and irritated. Maybe is because I’m so used to my own company I can’t handle too much time being surrounded by people and noises.

So a day in her company is just perfect for me 😝😁. But now I have to stop here as I need to go and buy some groceries before heading home. Happy weekend everyone!!

 

9 hours drinking on 12.7.17

I’m feeling lethargic from drinking 2 nights in a row on Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday was the worst as I started drinking at 4.30pm until 1.30am. Had a 2pm meeting that ended at 3.30pm, lingered around for 30mins to chat with developer before parting way and headed to happy hour with my clients for pre-celebration drinks as we managed to come to the agreement on all terms stated in the collaboration agreement. Hence all of us decided to have a few drinks to celebrate, but I didn’t expect a few drinks to last until 1.30am. A particular client of mine he loves dancing and he wanted to go Zeta Bar and I agreed. It was just the 2 of us. There was a live band playing, but it was sucks. The women were practically shouting out instead of singing and it hurt my ears.

We ordered  Hendrix and we finished about 2/3 of it (well at least 3-4 glasses were wasted) between the 2 of us. Earlier, we had 2 bottles among 6 of us so the drinking weren’t too overly crazy. Drinking 9 hours were just plain crazy as it was longer than normal working hours!! It was really tiring. Anyway, I told my client that was the 1st and the last time. Hahaha. But I have a feeling it will happen again 🤣!

 

 

 

Am I feeling lonely?

1 year ago I wrote a post titled “Loneliness exists in all of us” and today I want to write a post answering my own above question?

I will be lying if I say I don’t crave to have a suitable partner in my life to share my ups and downs, my happiness and sadness and my life journey with. But at the same time I also understand how it feels to be alone and yet not feel lonely vs with someone and yet feel lonely.

I think the later is the worst feeling one can ever feel because when we are with someone that person is supposed to make us feel less lonely and fill the hole in our heart and life, but yet when we aren’t with the right person we don’t get the connection and without the right connection and chemistry it is pointless and useless to be with that person. And to make thing worst sometime we are stuck with the person for whatever reason and we have to endure the feeling of loneliness.

I don’t want to put myself through the above situation I just described because I had experienced it before (at least 3x) and it was the worst feeling ever. My brain started to play trick on me and made me emotional. I cried and longed for companionship. I asked myself what was wronged with me that I’m still single and shouldering all the problems in my life by myself. I hate feeling so weak, vulnerable and needy. But it didn’t last long as I usually refund fairly quickly from my emotional meltdown.

Although I still feel lonely occasionally, but no emotional meltdown anymore. Reason being is because I understand the differences between singled and lonely vs being in a relationship and lonely. Once I understand how I feel in these 2 situations, instead of feeling lonely I feel appreciative that I’m single and having the freedom to do whatever I want in my life.

I don’t filled all my time with activities to keep the loneliness at bay. Instead, I embraced the feeling and let it ride it out itself. Usually it didn’t last long. Maybe because my super positive thinking and attitude helps me to overcome the feeling of loneliness. And also I heard too many unhappy marriage/relationship stories from friends hence I value my single life even more.

If I have to tolerate unhappiness so that I won’t feel lonely, I will choose to feel lonely than being unhappy. I tasted both before and I choose loneliness is because if such a feeling hits me I can still call up my dad and friends to whine to them or share with them my happiness. But unhappiness, I can’t share and it is harder to shake it off. At least for me.

So to sum up this post, yes I do feel lonely once a blue moon, but it wasn’t enough to make me desperately looking and wanting a man. Once bitten, twice shy best describes my current feeling and view of relationship at this moment.

Just a gentle reminder…..is ok to feel lonely.  But is not ok to live in it permanently. Enjoy the life you are given by god with or without a partner in your life. Just go with the flow and see where your life journey takes you too. Always remember that having a partner doesn’t guarantee that you won’t feel lonely anymore. Always keep that in mind and you will know how to handle the next time the feeling of loneliness hits you again 😉!

Cheerio world!!

 

Disappointed with 1 of my best friend

Out of the blue I got a WhatsApp chat from my best friend, AnnTea, asking me how am I getting on? I thought for a minute she was really interested to know about the latest update about my life as we haven’t seen nor speak to each other for a few months now. I have stopped making effort to meet up with her for lunch or dinner because she can never finds time for me everytime I asked her to catch up. So after awhile I just gave up as I don’t like to keep asking because it makes me feel like I’m forcing her to see me. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have stopped chasing people. I’m here and I will always make time for people I value in my life if they reciprocate the same. If they don’t, I won’t force them too.

Anyway, after giving her a brief update about my life, she replied with a surprised news. She told me she got breasts implant!!!!!!!!! And wanted to know the website where I bought my bikinis (I usually bought from brazilian bikini website). When I heard the news about her implant, I felt disappointed with her. She has a nice pair of sizeable boobs (she is 51 this year), although a bit sagging (according to her), I still didn’t think she needs to get an implant. My gut feeling is she got the implant to please and keep her cheating husband as they are back together after he filed for divorce (my gf said they never remarried) although she said the reason was she wanted fuller breasts!!

She is a very successful and capable woman, but she is also insecure and craves attention when it comes to personal relationship. She admitted it to me herself. The fact that she kicked her cheating and abusive (he hit her a few times) husband back into her life for 6-7 times just showed how much craps she is willing to put up with! She claimed that she forgave him because she wants the kids to grow up in an intact family, but yet her kids witnessed how their dad treated her including both verbal and physical abuses.

People think growing up in a single parent family is bad for the kids growing up. I disagree. I grew up in a broken family and yet I have a good life by my own standard. I’m very disappointed with AnnTea. I never thought she would be so insecure of her own body and physical image. Anyway, is her body. Whatever her reasons for getting the implant was her choice. If it makes her happy then that’s all the matter.

As for me, I will forget about my disappointment very fast as it doesn’t concerns me. This exchanged made me realised that we are drifting apart. As I become more secure and comfortable in my own skin, she is becoming more vain and insecure. I choose to walk away from people who doesn’t value me as me, but she choose to change herself to make people value and like her more. This is life. People change and we can either choose to accept or not. If we choose to accept, then we need to learn to accept all aspects of them. If we choose not to accept, then we just walk away and minimise the contact with them.

Always, always do your best to accept yourself including all the flaws. Always remember that!

p.s. I was feeling disappointed with her because she deserves so much more and better than what she is getting especially when she has to compromise herself to get it. Anyway, is her life her choice.

 

Stop chasing people….

I never thought my action of always reaching out to people I like/love was actually a form of chasing people. To me it was more like keeping in touch only. But then now I realised that I was chasing them, trying to get them to respond to me and stay in my life when sometimes I could feel that was the last thing they wanted to do. I became frustrated and unhappy when I did all the reaching out and not getting any back. It is a normal feeling to want the people I chase to reciprocate back, but if they aren’t doing it willingly then their interaction with me will feel like a courtesy and an obligation which will further makes me feel yucky. It will also makes me feel insecure and clingy. Which happened to me in the past, but not anymore.

Nowadays, the only thing I chase is business deals. I don’t chase relationship and friendship anymore. I have decided that if someone wants to be in my life or want me to be in his/her life, that person will tell me. If I see that they put in effort to keep a friendship or relationship alive, I will match their effort. If they don’t, I don’t too.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning to learn to stop chasing people as I was so used to reaching out all the time, but I told myself I have to do it. I have to stop, be still and see who really wants to be in my life and want me in his/her life. Yes, I will be sad if I end up finding out that I have to cut some people loose, but is for the best in the long run for me. It is useless and pointless to maintain a friendship or relationship with people who don’t give a shit about me. It is just a waste of my time and energy. I don’t want to fight for a spot in someone’s life if that person doesn’t gives me the spot willingly.

There are 7 billion people in the world, hence there will always be someone out there who will want me in his/her life genuinely. I value every single person that is currently in my life, but I have also learned that if someone wants to leave I can’t force the person to stay. Of course I will be sad to let them go, but I have to. I don’t want to chase after people and force them to stay in my life. It is a test to see who are my true friends and who are not. Is scary because what if I ended up without a single friend 😊, but is a chance I’m willing to take. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be with me, the person will come to me and stay without me having to keep chasing and reminding the person of my existence.

I know all of us had chased someone in our life at some point in our time due to loneliness, desires and other reasons, but maybe you would want to stop doing that and do a small test to see who stays and who doesn’t. I want to know how it feels to be wanted, cherished and valued. We all need friends and family in out life, but only if these people we need and care share the same feeling as us and reciprocate back to us. If not, walk away.

If you really need to chase something, chase your goals, your dreams, but don’t chase people. I wished I had learned that earlier because then I wouldn’t had experienced the heartbreak cause by Peter Wittendorp. Anyway, it isn’t too late as I’m putting it in good use now with Xavier and a few other people. I don’t mind having them in my life, but losing them will not affect my life at all. So leave or stay, doesn’t really matters to me. I even told 1 of my best friend Nora that if 1 day she wants to end our friendship, I will respect her wish and I will walkaway and not look back anymore.

Now I’m going to be chilled and see who will start chasing me……😂!

Updates about Xavier & I

“I totally understand u”……said Xavier. He repeated it 3x to me when I explained to him why I needed to take a break from chatting with him. Finally, yesterday afternoon I explained to him clearly the reasons for my decision and also how he made me felt. And his replied was he understand me totally!!! Hmmmm…….does he really understands me??? Maybe!

He also told me that his dad poor health is affecting his mood as he is annoyed with everyone and almost anything nowadays and only he himself can settle it. Meaning only he himself can make himself snap out of the annoyance. I trust that his dad is ill and he is worried about his dad’s health, but I’m doubtful he doesn’t has other reason why he suddenly distance himself from our friendship. Anyway, I’m not sad about his decision as I have learned to accept the fact that people come and go. I have decided not to chase people and let them be.

I have also decided that I will only put in the same amount of effort as the other person puts in. Nothing more and nothin less. I won’t be the giver all the time. It has to be a balance. Actually, it was a good thing that Xavier acts the way he does now as it allows me to see another side of him that further confirmed the fact that it will be hard for me to be emotionally connected to him. I don’t think he knows how to deal with my emotional disclosure. As a friend I don’t expect anything from him so I’m ok with his lack of reactions to my feelings. I told him that I like him, but I’m not able to feel connected to him in the past 5 months. I was hoping that he could made me feel connected to him, but it never happened. He never asked me a single thing about me hence he doesn’t know much about me except what I chose to tell him. He has no in depth knowledge about who I’m at all because I didn’t volunteer any information. If he wants to know, he has to ask. If he doesn’t asks, then he won’t know as I won’t tell.

Nowadays, I have stopped volunteering info about myself. If someone wants to know me better, the person has to ask to show his/her interests in getting to know me. Otherwise what they get is just the surface me. I’m not willing to subject myself to be hurt again, especially by men. And Xavier just sucks as emotional connection. Well, thank god we are just friend and nothing more. And even more thankful is the fact that we didn’t get physical at all!! I didn’t even kiss him as I mentioned in my last post. That just showed that I wasn’t attracted to him romantically and physically. So I’m cool that we have this cool off period. If he reaches out after his dad’s surgery or any other time in the future, I will still reply as after all he is still a nice guy to have as a friend.

But as a potential lover, I doubt it will ever happen as he isn’t exactly my cup of tea unless he miraculously able to make me feel connected to him emotionally. I have my doubts. So for now I will just go with the flow and pay my attention back to my work as business is picking up and more exciting projects in the pipeline.

I shall update if I have any interesting development with Xavier, but don’t hold your breath as I don’t think so 😁! Goodnite world!