Blank out increasing

Lately, I noticed I’m experiencing more blank out moments during conversation. Sometime I forgot a word I wanted to say to describe a situation or I forgot the thing I wanted to say just a moment ago. For example, on Friday morning I wanted to say “flood the market”, but I couldn’t remember the word “flood”. I said “flux” for 2-3x although I knew it was a wrong word. But the correct word “flood” didn’t register in my mind at all so I dropped it until my colleague mentioned the word. Another recent incident was during my meeting with a Tan Sri. I wanted to explain further why it is hard to recruit, but instead I repeated the same statement I said just a few seconds ago. At that moment I just blanked out and I was trying to search my mind to recall what was the thing I wanted to say, but I forgot. It was annoying and slightly worrisome too as I had never experienced blank out before.

The only good thing is I don’t blank out when it is about work. I can remember all the important details that were discussed, things I have to do, follow-up and etc. So thank god it isn’t affecting my work, but it isn’t a good sign that I’m experiencing frequent blanked out. I’m slightly worry to be honest. I will monitor my situation and if the frequency increases further I will go to see a doctor to do a check-up. Maybe it is just because I have too many things going through my mind at the same time hence the blanked out episodes.

I pray that my blank out moments are just temporary and it will not get worse. My next 3 years are critical period for me as it will be the golden period for me to build a stable and secure financial nest that will lasts me to my old age. So for the next 3 years I’m going to bust my ass and work hard to make money!



Indoor Rock Climbing : Completed 5 climbs on 14.3.2018!!

Yippee!!! I managed to complete 5 climbs 14.3.18. I set the challenge for myself and I wanted to give up after completing my 4th climbs, but my coach she pushed me to continue and tried. I set 5 climbs because I wanted to test my endurance. The routes weren’t difficult or hard, but I was tired especially my arms. Because my coach didn’t allow me to give up, I pushed myself to complete the final route!!

Techniques sucks!! Haha. But endurance is getting better. Although my progress is slow, but at least I’m making progress. Slow and steady!! I’m happy with my tonight’s performance. And I’m getting a better hang of this sport and loving it. I plan to buy my own harness as I think it is worth the investment.

The feeling of satisfaction is great. Indoor rock climbing reminded me that if I don’t give up, I will be able to achieve my goals. I need to keep pushing myself and try my best. Taking a break when I’m tired is necessary if I want to complete the climb. And telling myself that I can do it is also very important!

I’m very determine to become a good climber by the end of 2018! Wish me luck! And for those who are thinking of trying indoor rock climbing, I strongly encourage it. You will definitely enjoy the sport and love it 😊😊😊!!!

Acknowledging my feelings & being selfish

Lately, I became more bold in acknowledging my feelings both professionally and personally. Beside relying on facts to make my decisions, I also rely on my feelings to help me to decide if I want to work with a person or do I want the person to be my friend. I know I’m losing friends, but it is unavoidable simply because I don’t like the way they treat and make me feel.

If I don’t feel good working with a person, I will choose to give up the job (after many tries) because I can’t deliver good result if I don’t feel happy and excited to work with that person.

In the past, I didn’t prioritise and acknowledge my feelings. I always put other peoples’ feelings over mine own and because of that I ended up being hurt. I didn’t heed what my heart was telling me. I was scared to acknowledge my own needs and feelings. I tried to accommodate people to avoid confrontation, but I realised now it was a huge mistake for me to do that because people are selfish. They will keep taking and taking and taking if I keep giving without setting a boundary. If I don’t acknowledge my feelings and be selfish, I rob myself to be true and honest to myself. Not only that, I also rob the chance from people to know how they actually make me feel. The truth can be harsh, but it is better for them to know how they make me feel. If they can accept my directness, great business relationship, friendship as well as love relationship will grow and become stronger.

If they aren’t able to accept, then goodbye is better than putting up with it. If I tolerate too much, I will start to feel resentment toward the person. I don’t want to feel resentment so I opt to tell people how their actions and words make me feel. I respect them enough to be honest with them rather than hiding my feelings. Of course, I will only be honest with people that I respect. If I don’t respect that person, I won’t tell him/her how I feel because I don’t want to waste my breath. Haha.

When I acknowledge my feelings, automatically I will become selfish because I’m putting myself as priority over other people. I don’t care how I make them feel or think unless they choose to tell me. If they don’t tell me, I will not waste time to guess what they are thinking and feeling. It is not my business to take care of their feeling and thinking. We are all adults, we can handle our own emotion, feeling and thinking. I don’t have time to worry about people as I have my own life to live. People are generally selfish.

I remember a few times in the past I was pissed off and irritated with Noami, but I kept quiet because I cared not to upset her feelings and ignored my own feelings by pretending that I was ok with it when I wasn’t. And the next day, I was the one who spoke to her 1st because I didn’t want to spoil the holiday. But she never made an effort for once. And I dislike eating western food daily, especially pasta. But when we travelled, I had to accommodate her and ate pasta and Western food daily. I wanted to tell her I was sick and tired of eating pasta and Western food, but I didn’t because again I chose to ignore my feelings and cared about hers.

Now I won’t ignore my feelings. In fact, I will voice up and make known to the person how he or she makes me feel. Is liberating  because then I can be true to myself. I will address all negative feelings because if I don’t I will be unhappy and upset. My feelings come first. After all, I have learned how to love myself truly and fully 😊😊!

Last day in Bali

This trip to Bali was a slow paced holiday. I only left the resort 2x and regretted doing so. Bali is getting very congested and traffic is horrendous. And the Chinese and Indian tourists are getting larger in number until I feel like I’m going to China.not something I enjoy at all so I might have to find a new beach resort for me to escape too. Beside I really hate the traffic jam! I managed to get some tan, but isn’t very tan because the sun was scorching hot. My body couldn’t take the intense heat. Not only that, freckles started to appear in my body too. And it took me longer to get a nice chocolate tan this time. Not sure why? Maybe because too long didn’t tan and the tanning oil I used was 8 instead of my usual 4. Because of all those reasons I didn’t get a chocolaty tan and I’m cool with it.

It was a good retreat for me especially when this afternoon I sent out 2 emails that had been weighing on my mind for the longest time. One was to Naomi to try to mend our broken friendship. I don’t know if she has read the email because I sent it to her yahoo account and not sure if she still check this email account. This is the only email account of hers I have so no choice. It was quite a long email so couldn’t whatsapp. I was debating if I should text her to ask her to check her email account, but then I decided to leave it to fate to see if she reads it. If we are still meant to be friend, we will. So I really don’t want to go out of my way to inform her.

The 2nd email was to ‘HIM’. Yes, finally I sent out the closure email. It was more for me than him. The email wasn’t to reconnect. It was purely a symbolic moved on my part to give myself the closure I very much needed to move on. I said a few things I needed to say and that were it.

I got rid of all the negativity that were troubling me and when I get home to KL tomorrow it will be a brand new start and this time is for real. So overall this is a good trip.

The word ‘Promise’

I used to use the word promise a lot up until Feb 2016 before the incident. I also heard a lot of it from ‘Him’, but he never kept any single promise he made. And because of ‘Him’ and what happened, I have stopped using the word ‘Promise’ nor do I ask it from anyone. What’s the use of promising something if the person making it keep breaking it or has no intention to keep it. I usually keep my promise, but I realised not everyone is like me. In fact, majority don’t keep the promised they made to another person. They prefer to lose credibility than to honour their words and keeping the promise.

‘Him’ was a promise breaker and it upset and pissed me off everytime he said he promised, but at the end he just broke his promise and turned around to make me feel bad for chastising him for breaking his promise so that I would shut up. His words and promises meant shit. He bankrupted his credibility. He even admitted to me that he didn’t care if I trusted him or not because he said he did his best. I realised the red flags, but chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe him.

Anyway, nowadays I don’t offer a promise at all to anyone because I don’t want to feel like a fool again for being the only one who keep my words and promises. Like I mentioned before, after 2016, I have changed. A lot of things and people that I were tolerant before, but now not anymore. I really don’t want to feel like a fool again. I’m prepared to lose friends than feeling like a fool again. Yes, losing friends is very painful and sad for me, but if it has to happen, it has to happen.

Never ever make a promise if you don’t intend to keep your promise because it is cruel to make the other person thinks you are going to do what you have promised, but only to turn around that you intentionally and knowingly choose not to keep your promise. So if you want to make a promise, make sure you keep your promise.

16.2.18 – 1st day of CNY

First day of Chinese New Year. 2018 is the Year of Dog. I’m not sure what is in store for me in terms of luck, finance, romance, health and happiness. Some feng shui master said this is a good year for rabbit, but some said it is not so great year. Not sure which one to trust. Not that I believe in feng shui, but don’t mind knowing that it is a good year for me. But because I’m hearing different predictions, I give up in trying to find out which is true and which isn’t. I choose to believe in myself and create my own luck.

When I was a kid, I looked forward to CNY because I would get a lot of angpows (red packet with money) from the married adults and elderly. I always looked forward to the amount of money my dad would give me inside the angpow. I think there was a year my dad gave me RM1000 when I was in my late teens and I was ecstatic when I opened it and saw the money. I usually only opened up the angpows on the last day of CNY, which is on the 15th day. Sometime it was a bumper year and sometime it wasn’t. Haha.

As I got older and especially after my grandma passed away, CNY isn’t fun for me anymore. We don’t celebrate reunion dinner with my aunts, uncles and cousins anymore. When grandma was still alive, everyone of us had to go back home to have dinner with her and it was always very merry. After dinner, they would gamble and I would bet too. But now, we just celebrated by ourselves without my aunts and uncles and cousins. We just don’t stay in touch with our relatives anymore and it is just sad. But then it is unavoidable. Grandma was the glue, but after she was gone the family began to unglue. Is sad, but is life as well.

But I’m happy that my dad and brother are talking and joking again. And in the morning my dad, stepmom and my 2 half sister will be coming over to my house, which they have been doing every year. My stepmom will cook for us. Usually, we eat very simple. When grandma was around, there were certain dishes that needed to be ate on the 1st day of CNY. And for reunion dinner too. But now we just went out for dinner at a restaurant as it was more convenient. Usually the reunion dinner is on the night before the 1st day of CNY, but for us we had it on 14th Feb 2018 because 15th Feb was fully booked.

Hence we celebrated Valentine’s Day and Reunion Dinner on the same night. We went to Noble Mansion in Jaya 33, PJ for dinner and it was a good dinner with good food and it was filled with laughter. I was really happy to see my dad and brother joking with each other. They had been feuding for a few years due to an issue, but now it was over. I’m really happy that they are talking again 😁😁😁. It was definitely a very good reunion dinner + valentine’s too.

For me, CNY has lost its meaning. It is just another celebration. But nevertheless, I still embrace it. Just not as excited about it as when I was a kid. Haha


I worry about money as I haven’t been closing any big deals since I rejoined the industry 2 years ago. I’m getting more worried because I have big ticket bills to pay monthly that will cost me at least RM40k/month and I have zero steady income that can covers the amount. Since I took a break in 2013, I have been living on my reserves, money that I earned during those good years. I’m heavily invested in stock market and properties and these 2 markets are pathetic right now hence my money is stuck big time. I had also lost a fair bit of money on failed businesses (at least RM400k) and also lousy investment on a property in Ipoh which would cost me to lose at least RM600k if I sell it below my purchased price + bank loan interest over the years. So at least RM1mil down the drain. Not to mention that I also did lost some money on stock market. Easily another RM300-RM400k, so another hole in my bank account. And then a loan of RM1mil to my dad about 10 years ago which he hasn’t pays me back so another chunk out of my retirement fund. Plus zero substantial income pouring in since 2013 and I still continue to live a comfortable lifestyle, travelling to exotic places, staying in 4-5 stars hotel and resort, shopping and etc, I really don’t know how I did it???

I’m surprise and in awe with myself simply because I only compromise 20%-30% of my previous lifestyle currently. I don’t have extra cash to buy new watches (which to be honest I stopped buying even when I could still afford it because I didn’t see anything I like) and reduce shopping on Chanel bags. Now I found a new avenue to shop for Chanel bags – Closet by Reebonz. Can really find some good deals sometimes so technically I’m still buying. Haha. Yes, it isn’t fun that I can’t spend money without watching my bank account because my funds are all tied up in assets that I’m unable to cash out quickly and easily. It is also because of this reason I’m not able to pursue my dream of going back for a MBA in psychology sooner. But I’m not poor. I’m just cash straps for now. Which bring me back to the fact that I manage to survive for 4 years without a substantial and steady income. This year is the 5th year and I have to tap into my other reserve, which is my stocks. Managed to cash out some without incurring loses so thank god.

As a woman, I would consider myself very lucky and capable. Everything I own, I bought it with my hard earned money. No helps from my dad or brother. Up until today, I never borrow a single cent from anyone including my dad. Aside from the banks, I don’t owe anyone any money or favours. Yes, some people would say think it is pitiful that I have to work so hard to support myself and no one to help me to share some of the financial burden, but for me is ok. Of course it is always nice to have a man to buy me gifts, take care of my financial woes, but this type of man is hard to find in KL. I don’t live in a country where I can easily meet successful businessmen. Most men I met were losers or just not on par with me. So relying on them will be a joke. And to be honest, it is definitely nice to have a man who can afford to buy gifts for me, but I’m ok to buy my own gifts until I’m lucky enough to meet a man who will buy for me. Hahaha.

When I was a kid, I already learned and knew that the only person I can rely on all the time is myself. If I want anything I have to find ways to get it myself. Although my dad did supported me until I finished university, but when I asked him for a small monetary loan in my mid-20s’ and he said no, I promised myself on that very day that I will work hard and earn lots of money so that I won’t need to ask or to borrow money from anyone again. And from that day onwards, I never ask anyone to loan me money. I also learned to be financially independent and not wait for a man to buy gifts for me or takes me for luxury holidays and etc. If I can’t afford to buy things or take the vacation I want, then I will just work harder to earn more money until I can afford to buy. Simple. For the time being, I just can’t afford to splurge like I used to and is ok.

I almost closed 2 big deals, but it fell through and have to restart again so it is delayed until further notice. Well, life is unpredictable and in my profession anything can happen in the next call that comes in. I’m used to bad news hence I don’t overreact anymore. In fact, instead of reacting with complains, I usually go into finding solutions/alternatives mode so that I keep and up the odd of closing the deal higher. My brain never stops thinking unless I consciously choose not to think. I’m a bit worry about money, but I have decided to take 1 day at a time. I have learned how to live in the moment and nowadays I spend a lot of alone time. I don’t go out drinking with my brother that much anymore and even during the day on weekend I’m lazy to go out as there is nothing much to do. I can actually spend those time taking up hobbies or exercising, but I’m plain too lazy to do. Haha. I should actually force myself to make it a habit to take up another 1-2 more hobbies. Maybe I should learn photography. And I should practice indoor rock climbing more often even solo. I just feel odd to climb by myself even though there are always solo climbers at Camp5. Ok, I should stop finding excuses. Instead should just do it. Will make a conscious effort starting from 1st of March. My coach is going to be shocked if she knows I hasn’t step my legs into Camp 5 since she went back to Colombia for holidays. Haha. I hope my climbing won’t become too rusty.

For the time being, I will try not to worry about my current financial situation too much. I’m sure I will be able to resolve my financial woes soon. Oh well….