Lunch cancelled

OK, I just replied back to the Indian married man who have been hitting on me to inform him that I’m opting out of next week lunch with him since he offered me the option to opt out. In his last message he said he didn’t want to force me so I took him up on it and cancelled the lunch. I told him the truth that I really didn’t feel like socialising, but I did it  out of courtesy, which I shouldn’t. I apologised for cancelling it. I apologised because it is basic manner and courtesy. After all, I did agreed to lunch with him, but now I opted out of it.

And I blocked him – at least for temporary as I really don’t want to read his reply to my message. I’m not sure if he will reply or not, but I don’t want to take the chance as I really don’t want to deal with him now. I’m trying to remain courteous and professional about it and don’t want the situation turns awkward. But I seriously dislike the attention from him and the things he said to me. I was even thinking of lying to him I have a boyfriend. But after thinking further, I decided I shouldn’t lie because it went against my own promises made to myself – which is to be honest with myself and tell the truth at all times. I didn’t want to break my own promises to myself hence I told the truth.

Anyway, maybe the next 2 days I will unblock him when the dusts have settled down. For now, I will have some peace of mind. Haha

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Zen zone

In the past, I would react to any comments/remarks/statements directed at me. I would also worried about trying to be nice and accommodating, but now I don’t do that anymore. I have learned how to go into my zen mode where I can tune out white noises so that my peace of mind won’t be affected too much. I wasn’t able to do that in the past until about 9 months ago when I had forgiven myself for my stupidity I was able to go into my zen mode.

I used to react to people action and words constantly and when I did that it affected my moods and emotions. But now I don’t anymore. I’m able to ignore messages and block negativity by shifting my thinking. I don’t absorb people feelings/emotions anymore like I used too. And I don’t care what they have to say about me especially when I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I will explain myself once and if the other party still choose to see things from their own viewpoints, I will just tune off and I don’t bother to make them see things from my angles because they will never able to do so. Their mind is to absorb with themselves and them being right while others are being wrong. Waste of time to explain myself to people who don’t think they aren’t right.

Is funny how I needed a bad and painful experienced in my life to learn how to create my zen zone. I used to tell the man that I would get into my zen zone in the past, but I was never able to do it successfully until now. Experienced does changed a person and I’m changed, but in a good way, at least to me!!

And having a zen zone is very important because it allows me to have a peace of mind and not react to everything and everybody.  I need it to keep my sanity!! I need it to maintain my happiness. I need it so that I don’t take things too personally. When I go into my zen zone, I avoid further arguments and confrontations. Hence I avoid negativity!!

When I’m in my zen zone I see the other person who was ranting clearly and when that happened I lost respect for them. Just a small issue, but the person could turned it into a big issue that landed himself in hot water. Anyway, I’m glad I’m able to create my own zen zone even though I had to go through a bad experienced to achieve it 😊😊😊!

I always stay positive because that’s the best way to live my life.

 

What’s wrong with married men?

Seriously, I’m super annoyed with men, especially married men. I don’t understand why they persistently reaching out to me when I have clearly shown no interest in them. I hate it when it is a client because it puts me in a difficult situation because I can’t be rude and reject their attention outrightly. I have to find a balance in managing their unwanted attention and not giving them any encouragement or wrong signal that I’m interested in them, which I DON’T!! I ignored most of their messages and answered 1 or 2 out of politeness when they asked how I was doing? Other than that, I didn’t bother to reply. They should have gotten the message that I’m non interested in them at all!! But yet, they don’t.

A particular client is really persistent. I wrote about him previously in my post titled “Unwanted Attention”. He told me 2x already he wanted to spend more time and get to know me better and both time I ignored his comments. And everytime he comes to KL, he wants to meet up which I don’t want to at all!!! I don’t want to spend anytime with him unless it is business related!! I’m not interested in him period! He is very married with kids so definitely a No No for me!! And he is a client so a further NO! I hate to be put in a spot by his actions.

If I tell him off then I might lose a potential client. But if I don’t, I will be pestered by him constantly. Why can’t he just pays attention to his wife?? I didn’t do anything to lead him on or gave him the impression I’m interested in anything more than business relationship so I’m really pissed off at him for putting me in a difficult situation. Last night, he messaged me to tell me he is coming to KL next week and insisted I should have dinner with him. I told him no I have my indoor rock climbing lesson and he had the cheek to tell me to cut short my lesson by 1 hour to spend time with him!! I was furious but I kept my cool so I answered him I won’t cut short my lesson. I can only meet him for lunch and that’s all I can offer. I told him either lunch or a raincheck.

To be honest I don’t even want to do lunch with him as I really don’t want to spend a single minute with him. But because he has a value to me as a client, hence I’m forcing myself to do so. He agreed and said I was stubborn for not cutting short my rock climbing lesson. He said further he will arrange for the finer details of our lunch!! And that was when I got really irritated and annoyed. I told him not to plan anything fancy or elaborate as I don’t have time to do long lunch and I usually prefer simple lunch as I’m super pack with meetings next week.

Then he replied with a long message saying that he is busy too and he really want to spend time with me to get to know me better blah blah…..I didn’t read the entire message as I’m really not interested to know what he had to say. I didn’t bother to reply yet as I haven’t thought of a proper response. I want to kill his interest without losing him as a client. He is an additional issue that I don’t need in my life at all!! Sigh!!

He isn’t the 1st married men who showered me with unwanted attention. I hate it especially when I didn’t do anything to encourage them. We met in business meeting and I was always being professional when I was working. I don’t flirt when I’m working and even in a social setting, I will only flirt when I really like a man! Otherwise I don’t. I really wish this Indian client will just get my silent as not interested in him and we can maintain a business relationship without having me to tell him off.

If I have to make a decision between keeping him as a client and losing him as a client, I will choose the latter because I seriously and honestly don’t want to keep dealing with his unwanted attention. I just want to be left alone!!

I seriously wondered what’s wrong with married men??? If they aren’t happen their marriage, leave!! Arrrgghhhhhh…..

 

Forehead kiss

My most memorable and sweetest kiss from the man was the forehead kisses he gave me before we fell asleep and as he left for work in the morning when we were in HK. We shared passionate french kissing, but nothing beat the forehead kisses he gave me. Until today it still brought back good memory of that moment, but it also brought back sadness to me because I will never be able to experience it again from him.

I felt cherished, protected and appreciated when he kissed me on my forehead. I felt like we belonged together. I belonged to him and he belonged to me. A simple kiss that conveyed many emotions. I felt I was the lucky woman at that very moment and I longed for him to kiss me every night and morning before he goes to sleep and to work. I wanted to delete this frame from my mind, but I failed. It is like a frozen picture, forever engraved in my memory. Oh, how I wished we had more time together.

Sometimes, all we need is just a simple kiss by the one we love to make our day. For me, a forehead kiss by the person I like or love speak more volume to me and give me more emotions than a passionate hot french kissing. I hope that 1 day I will meet a man who will be able to make me feel what I felt with him when I’m being kiss on the forehead. I know I will. I just need to have faith that my Mr Right will shows up when I lease expected it. Haha.

I have to stop here because remembering that special moment is making me sad. I can’t relieve the moment without feeling a loss. So I better stop here.

Anyway, what’s your favourite kissing style?

Forgiving someone….

Forgiving someone who has wronged you takes a lot of inner strength. I know for a fact because everyday for the past 2 years I have been telling myself to forgive the man who hurts me and forget about him. In the beginning it was really hard for me to find the inner strength in me to forgive the man. Everytime when I came closed to forgiving the man by thinking of the positive things he did for me, how he made me laughed and cared for me, the hurt and pain would just crept back into my mind. It weren’t far away at all. When the negativity crept into my mind, the want to forgive was replaced by anger and that the man didn’t deserved my forgiveness. The man deserved what happened to him because the man was heartless and cruel to me. But I kept telling myself I needed to forgive him not because he deserved it, but because I needed to forgive the man for my own sake.

If I didn’t forgive the man, then I was holding myself prisoner because I wouldn’t be able to start healing by letting go of the pain and hurt caused by the man. The pain and hurt kept repeating itself like a groundhog day. Forgiving doesn’t happen automatically. It was a conscious action that I chose every single day so that my mind and heart would be aligned to accept my decision. Even it was a conscious decision and effort, it was still very hard for me. Some days I just couldn’t convinced my brain to forgive the man. And when that happened I would do everything to distract my mind from focusing on the negative energy by shifting my thoughts away from thinking about the man. It was hard in the initial 18 months when the man occupied very single minute of my waking moment. It was only since last year I managed to control my thoughts and focus on forgiving the man. Like I had said earlier, I chose to forgive the man was because I needed to move on and let go.

Forgiving the man is a big part of my healing process. If I didn’t forgive the man, I wouldn’t be able to let go. Forgiving the man doesn’t mean I forget what the man did to me and how he hurts me. Forgiving him was an act of closing the wound so that the healing could happened. Forgiving also means putting the bast behind me, living in the moment and look forward to the future. I know an understand how hard it is to forgive someone who had wronged us, but it is necessary if we want to live a happy life for ourselves.

I chose to forgive the man because it was good for me mentally and emotionally. It took a lot of my inner strength to forgive the man but I did it. Nobody will tell you that forgiving someone who had wronged you is an easy process and it will take a long time to be forgive someone depending on the severity and level of wrongfulness, pain and hurt. But no matter how long it takes and how hard the process is going to be, I urge you to do it because if we don’t learn to forgive we will never be able to be truly free from the past and let go. If you want to be happy again, learn to forgive!

p.s. I will be lying if I say I don’t want the man to forgive me too because I did wronged him as well. I hope he will be able to forgive me 1 day although I know for a fact that day will never come. But I’m entitled to be hopeful so I will continue to hope.

The Man

Vion, 1 of my BFF was in KL and I spent a whole day with her yesterday as I had time. She was in town to discuss some business opportunities with a handful of local Developers and I shared with her some market intelligence. Of course, we talked about life and etc as well. It came to the topic of relationship and she commented that there aren’t any suitable men for me in KL. I answered her that I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment as I want to focus on building my career. I explained to her that after my last experienced with the man, I have a better understanding of myself and I know clearly what I want for myself and how I want to live my life and finding a partner is not my priority now. I don’t want unnecessary drama that might come with a relationship again after what I went through 2 years ago.

She commented and asked did I really loved the man? And I answered her yes I did. It was a question that I had asked myself repeatedly in the past and wasn’t sure of the answer until end of last year. And when I answered her today, I answered with certainty that I did loved the man at that point in time when that man was in my life. She asked me was that man worth it for me to love? I answered her at that period yes he was. She asked what did I saw in the man? I answered her, love is blind and a feeling. She was still cursing the man for how he treated me and I told her it was the past and I didn’t want to talk about it further.

I didn’t feel sad/unhappy when talking about the man. I uttered his name to Vion without  feeling any hatred for him. To be honest, I never hated him even when I was at my darkest mood and moments. It was good that I had this short conversation about the man with Vion because I know with 100% certainty now that my heart has healed 100%. Being with the man was what I wanted at that time and I made the choice so I had to accept the consequences.

If I had known back then how the relationship would had ended, would I still choose to love the same man and subject myself to the painful heartbreak and experienced??  The answer is NO. I would choose to love the man from a distance rather be involved with the man. I don’t regret for loving and being involved with the man because the man was a lesson I needed so that I could learned more deeply about myself. So it was a lesson I had to experience.

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn’t to reminiscence about the man or our past. I wrote this post because I wanted to capture down my feelings at this moment.

Attachment

When you are not afraid of people walking out of your life, that’s when you free yourself from attachment. People come, people go. Life goes on. Never force someone to stay if they are not willing to do so. Love is great, but it is also a word that will trap us in a relationship that doesn’t nourish our soul, mind, emotion and physical anymore. And don’t hate the person who brings drama to your life because at one point you love him/her. Just learn and let he/she goes and wish them well. Same as friendship. Never hold on to a friendship if the person doesn’t allows you to be yourself. Give them the option to leave or to stay. Always give them the choice to choose. All of us have the choice to choose, so choose wisely!

I wrote the above 3 years ago when I had a fallout with a man and this morning I was reminded when it was shown on my FB – blast from the past!! Attachment happens when we are in a relationship or friendship, but we need to know how to limit our attachment to people because if we don’t we are setting ourselves up for disappointment when those people leave. We have to expect people to leave us one day, hence we need to be conscious of our own level of attachment to that person. Don’t get me wrong, I love to have people I cherish in my life, but I don’t get upset anymore if they leave me because I don’t form any attachment to them. I just enjoy them when they are in my life without attaching my whole being to them. Basically, I have learned how to like and love someone without making them my entire world. I used to be very attached to a man and I made him my entire world. At that time, the man was the person I wanted the most. But looking back now, I was very wronged in the ways I acted and behaved in that relationship with the man. I was emotionally dependable on this man to make me happy. I starved for the man attention and I began to form a very strong attachment to this man when we grew closer and chatted daily.

When this man ignored me for weeks or months, I felt so unhappy, angry and unmotivated to do anything. In the beginning when it happened, I was feeling and acting like a walking dead. But when he did it too frequently, I began to tell my mind to reduce my attachment to him because this man had a history of walking out of my life numerous time in a 10 year period I knew him. We form attachment easily with people we feel connected too and this is normal. But then we also need to learn to recognise when our attachment becomes too much for us to think clearly. When we put our happiness and existence in the hand of a person or people, our attachment level is extremely unhealthy. So we always have to be conscious of the level of attachment we have for people who are still in our life.

Attachment is a trap that will set you up for disappointment and heartbreak be it with friends or lovers. So don’t get attach to people too easily. Learn how to enjoy their presence in your life without attaching yourself to them. I have succeeded and I hope the same for you.