My past struggles…..

I realised now that emotional struggle was the most detrimental to my health as it affected me mentally and physically. When nursing my broken heart and recovering from the hurt, the 1 question that got replayed like a broken record was, WHY ME?? I was constantly looking for answers to all the questions I had for him, but were never truthfully and honest explained to me. My trust system was utterly shattered into pieces, like a broken glass. I know for a fact that I will never be able to trust another man like I did before. I grew up in a broken family and it took me a long time to learn to trust people unguardedly, but because of a selfishness of a married man he destroyed my trust system to the core.

If that wasn’t enough I had to deal with the baseless accusation and my mind just totally shutdown. My brain and heart couldn’t accept the fact that the man I thought I knew well and understand 90% could turned out to be a monster. I was struggling to accept the fact that I didn’t know him at all. Looking back now I just feel like I’m the biggest blinded fool!

Although I’m moving on and living a good life, a small part of me is still struggling to forgive myself for my foolishness and stupidity. For falling in love with a man who set out to play with my heart from the day he walked back into my life with no intention of divorcing the wife, but implied he would (both in writing and verbal, even though I never asked him to do so). It was a big fat lie to get me to believe and fall for him. If he had told me from day 1 that we would just be sexual lover or FWB, I wouldn’t had fell in love with him. He was cruel and evil. I wasn’t delusional or imaginary. I could felt his sadness and unhappiness oozing out from every pores of his body when he told me she cheated on him in person in HK. How would I had guessed it was all a big fat lie. Script writer, director, actor, producer…..all was HIM!

No one can imagine the struggles I had to experience and go thru after the aftermath! Not to mention that I was trolled online too. In the last message I read online (a few months ago when I was googling myself) I finally figured out the troll identity because the troll accused me of something I didn’t do. The troll was the wife! I wouldn’t had guessed she was the troll if she didn’t post her comment pretending to be my friend, with my name spelled out clearly. What the troll didn’t know was none of my friends know about the fact that I’m being trolled online. I didn’t tell anyone as I don’t want them to worry and I don’t want to explain what happened. They just knew I had a 2 year of tumultuous relationship with him. Also, my friends will never use the name the troll use online. The troll also threw in a few malay words that I don’t understand at all as my Malay is poor. I barely passed my Malay exam paper with a C6 credit during my Form 5 high school examination.

I was tempted to expose her identity there and then with her full name spell out clearly, but then I decided to let it go as I didn’t find a need to engage in such a lowly behaviour with a troll. The words she used to accuse me wasn’t a reflection of me, but herself. Only a lowly person could used those words and made baseless accusation. So why should I waste my time and energy to engage with such a lowly woman and a troll. I used to feel sorry for her as she was a victim too, but not anymore.

Anyway, I just want peace in my life. I don’t want to start a war. The troll is set out to get me. I’m beginning to think that she might be the mastermind behind all the crazy posts posted online. But I have no proof as I don’t have the money (even if I do, I won’t) to hire IT forensics to investigate the matter. That was 1 of the triggering point that led me to decide to post all the SMSes that I still had with me to proof my side of the story. A picture paint a thousand words.

In the past, I was adamant to clear my name from his accusation because it was important to me to have his trust, but not anymore. He started this shit storm, he was the root of all these trolling and turmoil in my life, but yet he had the balls to point his dirty fingers at me. The wife is trolling me and yet he didn’t do anything to stop her disgusting behaviour. To be honest, I found out about it a few months back and I was struggling internally to write about it or not as I just want to move on with my life. But then I decided to write it out to get rid of my feeling of injustice.

All of us have our own set of struggles to overcome. It is part of life. How we choose to overcome it is the most important factor. Admitting our struggles is the 1st step to overcoming it. I find it therapeutic to pour out my feelings in writing. It is my way of getting rid of those toxics from my system. I don’t want to lie. Occasionally he still pops into my mind, but I shut it down quickly as I don’t want to think about him anymore. I don’t want to deal with my feelings and thoughts for him anymore. I just want the past to be the past. I no longer hope and wish that we could sit down one day and talk things over. Adele’s song, “Hello” will never apply to me and him.

My biggest struggle is the fact that I might not love another man as deeply as I had loved him. The emotional and mental damages caused by him left me with permanent scars. No one knows the struggles I had to go through daily just to keep living and functioning. Some parts of the core me have been changed and he is the root caused of it.  If he had explained honestly and apologised sincerely I would had been able to move on and forget him quickly. Not knowing the truth on why he had to create such a big fat lie to cheat and his accusations just made me felt lost and confused. My mind kept going back in circles trying to look for answers which I will never be able to find.

I struggled to put all that behind me, but occasionally my mind would still wander to try to find answers. The truth will set me free, but unfortunately it is something that I won’t get at all. I had to learn to let go at my own terms and timing. I figure if he didn’t care about my well being, I shouldn’t too. After all, every person is selfish and I need to do what’s best for me to move on and forget him. And knowing the fact that he hates me to his core allows me to think negatively of him and get rid of all the positive feelings I had for him. I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him deeply, but I’m glad I wasn’t anymore.

Anyway, I better end this post. Ciao.

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