I just read back some of the old SMSes and I was very tempted to post all of it on my blog for everyone to read and to know that all the things I wrote about Peter Wittendorp were the truth and I didn’t make it up. But then I told myself don’t do it, don’t go down the dark path again. I’m actually glad that I wrote down most of my feelings and thoughts that I had for him in the past because it helps to stop me from doing something crazy like posting our past SMSes and WhatsApp chats. If I didn’t delete most of it when he asked me to, I would had more left with me. After all, we communicated almost daily for 2 years.
I know I shouldn’t miss him, but I do. I missed our connection and laughter, but I can’t forget the pain and hurt he inflicted on me. Deep down I know clearly we are so over for this lifetime and it did made me a tad sad especially when my life gets too overwhelming and I will think of him. And it makes me even sadder when I know I don’t cross his mind anymore. I’m just a stranger to him now. Someone he will do everything to forget and erase from his mind. I can guess what he is thinking.
Some days I wished he was still in my life and I had the guts to express my feeling for him openly rather than deny and hide it as I did. I should had been stronger and not looked back when I walked away from him. I shouldn’t had fell in love with him. There are just too many I shouldn’t……I’m not obsessed with him, but I certainly missed him. I just don’t know why I missed him or maybe I do, but I’m not actively trying to figure out the answer.
I just want to forget him like he is forgetting me. I just want to forget everything that reminds me of him. At this moment I wish I was the bad and crazy woman he accused me to be because then I will do everything to hurt him in order to heal myself and I will continue to post all undeniable and indisputable proofs of how he pursued me and the lied he told me. I’m tempted to do it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just couldn’t hurt him in such a manner. Writing about him is 1 thing because those are just all my words. But posting all those proofs are a different thing all together. I’m not a revengeful person. Most of the time I just acted without thinking, but not anymore.
I know he has moved on and deleted me from his mind and I should do the same too. I will…..I’m working on it and I will get there soon. I never thought it would take me this long to forget him. Sigh……..
Anyway, I’m mentally exhausted from work and etc. I want to zzz now so stopping here.