Sometimes it is not easy to openly write about my thoughts and feelings because I’m exposing myself without censor and showing the world my weaknesses and vulnerability. Is scary sometimes, but I still choose to do it because writing is a good outlet for me to address my thoughts and feelings without loading unto someone. It helps me to see things more clearly when I write it down. It also helps me to release my pent up emotions. Beside, writing down my thoughts and feelings allow me to read back about things and feelings I might have forgotten as time passed. For instance, recently I read back a couple of my old posts I wrote about Peter Wittendorp and I could sensed my anger being projected onto my writing which still lives on in my posts even though now I’m not angry and hurt anymore. Thats why I know my heart has healed. Just my mind still doesn’t wants to fully let go of him, which I really don’t understand why?? Maybe because the way we ended our friendship was abrupt and with lots and lots of bad feelings, accusation and name calling. I didn’t get a proper civilised closure and ending to us!! Is much harder to forget and make the mind stop thinking when I still have questions that I’m still hoping to find the answers although I know clearly I will never be able to get any answers from him until the day I die.
Sometimes it is definitely easy to think negatively of Peter Wittendorp because it helps me to erase him from my mind quicker. I just read an article on Harvard Business Review and it said that the mind will replay the event until we learn something from it before we can let go. I wonder is this why he still lives in my mind……because I haven’t finish learning the lesson! Hmmmm………I wonder what are the remaining lesson I have to learn because I thought I have finish learning. Most of the time he only pops into my mind during this ungodly hour before I sleep and my mind quiet down after a full day of thinking and strategising.
I am honest when I said I don’t feel anything for him when I think of him. It is a strange feeling because every time I tried to pinpoint a feeling I drew blank. And this is why I couldn’t figure out why he still pops into my mind. It shouldn’t be the case anymore especially when I don’t feel any single emotion for him. It is really not easy to get rid of him from my mind entirely, but I hope very soon he will be gone without a trace. I seriously don’t want to waste my head space for him, a stranger.
Anyway, I don’t have a choice but accept the fact that I need to be patient with my mind and let it takes care of itself. I’m sure when the time is right, the name Peter Wittendorp will become a distant memory and will cease its existence in my mind. But until that day comes, I just have to tolerate it for now. Something just can’t be rushed……