Confessions…

Peter Wittendorp still lives in my mind. Not my heart for sure. But my mind yes as I still think of him daily. I’m not sure why is this happening because I’m very confident that I don’t feel anything for him anymore. I don’t hate him and I don’t like him either. I couldn’t like him after all the things he did to break my heart. I’m speculating why my mind is still thinking of him, maybe because I’m not 100% ready to forge him yet. I know I should, but I do miss some of our happier times, silly conversations, multiple and long calls and even video chat. I miss a person who managed to connect with me so well. But then at the same time I still feel like a fool for trusting and allowing him to use me to fill his time!

Some days I wished I was a super bitch and a bad woman because then I will have no qualms to post all our SMSes that I still keep and write about him in details. I do know quite a lot about him, his life and his past relationships/exes, his fantasies, his goals, his parents and siblings, children and others. I’m not kidding when I said I wished I was a bad woman and a super bitch!! But too bad I’m not, although he thinks I’m! Otherwise he wouldn’t accused me of all the things that happened to him without any evidence. And even if he can produce some sort of evidence, how would I know it ain’t fake? Anyway, he is allowed to think whatever he wants about me. If it makes him sleep and feel better at night by believing that I’m a bad and crazy woman, then let it be. I don’t feel the need to defend myself against his baseless and ridiculous accusation. As I had wrote in my past posts if he had no qualms cooking up story about his wife cheating on him so that he could cheat with me, what stops him from cooking up story about me right??

If I’m to take a wild guess about 1 of his regrets in life, it would be his lying and cheating. He definitely thinks I’m the mistake and he shouldn’t had walked back into my life. He will also says that he doesn’t knows who I’m anymore. Likewise, I don’t know who is Peter Wittendorp anymore? I thought I did, but now I don’t. The moment he confessed to me he lied to me my world went topsy turvy!! Suddenly I questioned everything he ever told me. I felt really really like a stupid fool!! Anyway that were all the past so I will not drag it up again.

I couldn’t bring myself to destroy him with the SMSes (with his number shown) between us and show the world another side of him that not many people saw. I don’t want to show the world in black and white that he is a hypocrite. I may write a lot of posts bashing him which I know I shouldn’t do irregardless how valid is my reason for doing so. I’m not defending my action, but I’m admitting that I shouldn’t have bashed him.

I need an outlet to vent my feelings and emotions openly. I don’t want to bottle up and I want to share with people my story because I know there are many women and even men out there who could be in the same shoes as me, past and present. When people tell me what I did isn’t write and morally wrong, I will ask them who set the rules and why should I follow and conform to society unwritten rules and unreasonable expectations. I’m living my life for myself and no one else.

Like I said, by not posting the proofs to prove my claims that he was an asshole, a liar and cheater, he can disputes everything I have written and says I’m crazy. Am I really crazy??? hahahaha…..maybe!!

At 1 stage I felt so lucky to have him loved me and in my life, but now I don’t think so. I can’t feel lucky to be loved by a man not only lied to me, but also accused me of something heinous that I didn’t do at all! Anyway, I need to stop dragging up the past 😊 and start learning how to get him out of my mind for good. I think I need a bit more time to erase him from my mind. I’m not sure if I will ever forget him, but I definitely would want to get him out of my mind. I really do.

I used to wish that I still crossed his mind and 1 day he will just send me a text with the 3 words…”I am sorry”, but deep down I know that day will never happen as long as I live! Breaking up with him, not having him in my life didn’t hurt as much as he believed I am an evil person and the accusation he threw at me. Yes, I’m unable to get over his accusation, but I managed to find peace and accepted that’s the fact so I don’t feel sad and hurt anymore. My wound has healed and now I just need to rid of him from my mind.

We are stranger again after 10 years. A decade and it was over in a blink of an eye. I was already in his mind since the day we met 10 years ago, but because of a lied our connection and friendship ended. I’m the victim in all this mess and I had to shoulder it all on my own. Oh well, that were all my confessions for tonight. I’m sleepy so crashing now.

Goodnite world!

 

 

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