I have unblocked Peter Wittendorp from my phone because to keep unblocking him means I still haven’t move on yet. There is no need to block him as I’m 1000% certain that he will never ever call me even the day he dies and our path will not cross again. When I blocked him, I will still see his number and I don’t want that. I deleted his number, hence I won’t see it on my phone book anymore. But unfortunately his number is still seared in my memory. I forgot a lot of things, but forgetting his number isn’t one of the item. Sigh….I guess I have to take longer to forget his number.
Anyway, I had subjected myself to some tests last 2 weeks when his name started to pop into my mind again and I’m happy to declare that I feel calm and peaceful. I don’t feel the desire to lash out or curse him anymore. I did that a lot in the past year when I wrote posts about him on this blog. To be honest, I forgot about 800% of the contents of my posts I wrote about him and recently I did read back a particular post simply because that particular post “Memories with Peter Wittendorp” had been widely read in the past 1.5 weeks by visitors to my blog. I was curious why it was so popular and when I read back the post it was about our happy days in Hong Kong in end of March 2015. We stayed in the Pottinger Hotel in Central and a walking distance to his HK office. It was the side of him I loved the most – the big kid side.
I didn’t feel sad reading the post or regret that I actually flew to HK to meet him on his request. It was part of the entire memories he gave me (the good, the bad and the ugly). I didn’t forget the bad feelings and vibes he gave me, but I’m emotionally stronger now so I’m able to control and keep the negative thoughts at bay. My heart and mind are finally in sync and I’m happy that I’m no longer rule by my heart, but rather by my mind. I’m feeling nonchalant when his name popped into my mind. Or maybe his name has never left my mind even when I have Chris and others to occupy my thoughts and time.
I know 1 day his name will no longer lives in my mind, but for now I have to accept the fact that it still does. Is ok. I just need more time to rid him from my mind. I’m not him so I don’t have the ability to just block and erase someone from my life and treat that person as non existence in my life before. I’m sure that is what he is doing to remove me from his mind. He has always been good at blocking and deleting.
Anyway, what he chooses to do is none of my business. I have chosen a path of no u-turn when I decided to write about him on my blogs. I knew it would end our connection and we will never ever be in each other life again. I don’t regret what I did because it was the only option I could think of at that time to stop myself from spiralling further into despair, heart brokenness, hopelessness and longing. I wasn’t emotionally and mentally as strong as I’m now. If I was, perhaps I might not made such a drastic, irreversible and damaging decision. Who knows?
We always joked that no matter how hard we tried, we wouldn’t be able to kill our connection, but haha…..we managed to do it when we both contributed our own poison pills. Anyway……he was a lesson I needed whether I wanted it or not. I have learned so much more about myself – the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me. So looking on a positive side, it wasn’t a total lost for me. Haha.
Ok….ending this post now. It was supposed to be a short post, but again another long post and I side tracked too. As usual and typical me. Haha! Happy Sunday everyone!
p.s. His birthday is on the 12 of this month. Turning 51.