Today is the last day of the year. It had been a trying year for me that were full of dramas and I experienced the deepest and saddest heartbreak of my life. I learned and evolved to become a better person for myself. Until today I still couldn’t understand why Peter Wittendorp could be so cruel, mean, harsh and selfish towards me. I couldn’t understand how a man who claimed to love me could turned out to be the biggest jerk and asshole who hurt me without a blink of an eye. I’m not actively seeking answers because I know I will never be able to get any so why waste my time. But I have to admit that for the past 2 weeks his name keeps popping into my mind and I don’t even know why. In the past, when his name kept showing up in my mind, he would appeared out of the blue. I don’t think it will happen this time (him popping into my life again) because I won’t allow it to happen. I have blocked him on my phone and email. I didn’t block him on LinkedIn because then I will have to go into his page to block him and I don’t want to do that. I can’t block him on my blogs because it is open to public and I won’t know who has read my posts specifically as he can be 1 of the many anonymous readers.
I’m not sure what I think about this man currently. There were times I think he was an asshole and biggest jerk in the world, and there were times I think I was wronged to humiliate him on my blogs. Yes he was shitty towards me, but I could had handled it more maturely and sensibly rather than allowed my emotions to control my mind. At that time all I could think of was to hurt him as deeply as he hurts me. I wanted blood. I wanted him to pay for the accusation he threw at me! But what I wanted the most was for the truth to be told from my side. He played with my feelings, lied to me for 2 years and then turned around to stab me repeatedly in my heart when the affair was exposed. I just snapped as my mind couldn’t comprehend how could a man turned so ugly, cruel and cold without warning. I was hurting badly and I didn’t want to protect his good guy image anymore.
Looking back now, I might had been a bit rash in my decision and wasn’t thinking clearly for sure. Sometimes, I did felt slightly upset with myself for hurting him in this manner. It isn’t in my nature to hurt someone, especially a man that I used to love deeply. My love for him was real and genuine although I never fully admitted it to him. I should had the guts to be opened and blunt with my love for him rather than played it cool and suppressed my feeling for him for fear of losing him! A lot of things he did just didn’t made any sense to me and even until now I still don’t know what are facts and what are lies.
It isn’t important for me to find out anymore as he was my past that I will never want to revisit at all. Although I’m writing this post about him, it is because of necessity than a want. As mentioned earlier, he has been popping into my mind everyday for the past 2 weeks and I need to get him out of my system. 1 way to do so is to write about it so that hopefully it will make sense to me why this man suddenly appeared in my mind again!
I tried to focus on Chris, but I failed. His name, Peter Wittendorp will just appeared in my mind. I managed to block most of the memories we had together (both negatives and positives), but some still managed to slip thru the crack. The good thing it didn’t made me unhappy. To be honest I didn’t really know what I was feeling for him anymore. If I have to use 1 word to describe how I felt, it would probably be ‘stranger’. I thought I knew the real Peter Wittendorp, but turned out I didn’t know a rat shit about him! I was so wronged about my perceptions of him. I thought I understand him 98%, turned out I didn’t. I kicked myself for seeing the red flags and ignored it entirely because I trusted and loved him even after he failed me numerous times!! It showed how stupid I was when I fell in love with a man! Haha. I was a fool!!
Now I can laugh at myself. Before I couldn’t. I beat myself up for being so trusting of him. My self-worth dropped to the bottom and I only managed to regain it back in August when I met Michael in Bali during my birthday. Michael reminded me that I’m still desirable and attractive by just being myself.
I’m definitely a change person after my experienced with Peter Wittendorp. I’m more wary of men words, I don’t trust so easily, I laugh less too and I don’t have faith in men and relationship anymore. Thanks Peter Wittendorp for giving me a fucking shitty memorable experienced! I have not fully forgiven him yet. Although I’m not mad and unhappy anymore, I still can’t bring myself to wish him well because he doesn’t deserves it! I don’t wish him bad, but I don’t wish him well either. I wish he didn’t hurt me so deeply and retract back his accusation. And apologise to me for it. I wish he has the balls to be a proper man to me. I will apologise for my actions, but only if he apologise too! Which will never happen in this lifetime!
In his mind, I wronged him! In my mind, he wronged me!! So stalemate. 😉
Anyway, I’m glad that today is the last day of 2016. I know 2017 will be a great and fabulous year for me. A new year is a new chapter for me to write my wonderful story.
P.S. I don’t cry easily, but when I was with Peter I cried a lot and often! I was walking on egg shells and I was feeling sad and confused. I wanted to make him happy all the time and hearing him laughed just made me happy. I never asked for anything from him except don’t hurt me and don’t play with my heart from Day 1 and he said he didn’t!! In the end he did both! I will not cry for a man anymore! It would had been easier to let go if I didn’t love this man, but I DID! I wanted him to be mine since the 1st day I met him 10 years ago! The 1st time he said he loved me I was shocked, surprised and dumb founded as I didn’t expect it! I joked with him all the times warning him not to fall in love with me and secretly hope he would and when he said “I love u” to me it was the happiest time of my life! All I ever wanted was for him to love me and spent time with me whenever possible! Anyway, it was all in the past! I should refrain myself from writing about him anymore! I know it will be hard for me to forget him. He will always live in a corner of my mind!