I read back some of the old posts I wrote, especially those about Peter Wittendorp and I have to admit that I was very emotional at that time. Some of the strong emotions I felt during that time no longer exists now. I don’t feel sad anymore. But most important of all, I don’t love him anymore. It is very clear to me that he isn’t in my heart anymore. Which is definitely and infinitely a good news for me. At least my heart is healed even though he is still in my mind. I don’t know why I couldn’t erase him from my mind yet. I can feel him fading each day, but it isn’t fast enough for me. I guess I can’t rush it. But at least when I read back those old posts and all my negative feelings, I didn’t get upset and mad anymore. I didn’t feel an urge to write about him on my blog. I was tempted, but I told myself is only a temporary negative feeling. Let it go.
I told myself to move on. Don’t dwell in the negative feelings. Don’t open the old wound and hurt myself all over again. I stopped trying to find answers on why he did what he did. I know for a fact that no matter how I tried, I will never be able to find out the truth. And it isn’t important anymore. I have also learned to forgive myself for my foolishness and stupidity. I stopped beating myself up for trusting and loving him blindly and ignoring all the red flags. In addition, I had stopped my mind from wondering about the possibility of us sitting down and cleared the air of all the misunderstandings. It will never happen and I have accepted the fact. If you ask me, I definitely don’t want to have bad blood between us because no matter what, we used to love each other at one stage. And we had liked each other for 10 years!! 10 freaking years I lived in his mind and heart!! But now it is all gone. Wiped off completely for both of us. Finally, our fate end.
I have changed because of my experienced with him. I’m no longer as trusting as before and I evaluate a man trustworthiness base on his actions and not his words. I won’t tolerate empty promises and max 2 chances for him to redeem himself. If he doesn’t, then he will be strike out. I set boundaries and I won’t fall in love so easily again no matter how much I like him.
I didn’t plan to fall in love with Peter Wittendorp, the man I had liked since the 1st day we met 10 years ago, but I did. For the 1st time I fell deeply in love with a man, only to be taught such a painful lesson in love. I didn’t deserve what he did to me. I never asked for him to fall in love with me especially when he knew for a fact that he wouldn’t be with me. But still, he chose to led me on and made me fell for him. And wasn’t there to catch me. Instead he pushed me under the bus and ran me over and over again until I almost bled to death. Until I fell into darkness. I know most people would say I asked for it since I knew he wasn’t available legally. I didn’t ask for it. He made me believed with his words and that he would be with me. Not immediately, but we would be together. I admit I was stupid for trusting him and his words. I trusted him because I loved him. I didn’t expect him to lie to me. I strongly believed he was a good and honest man until he showed me his true colours.
I was so hurt and in so much pain that I wanted him to feel it. I wanted him to feel guilty for hurting me. Even though I was just a lover and good friend, he had no right to use and hurt me so deeply. I didn’t do anything wrong to him. All I ever did wronged was fell in love with him. Why should I deserved such a terrible and horrible treatments from him?? Since he choose to be an asshole and a class A jerk towards me, then I think I have the right to write about him openly. Why should I protect his image when he didn’t care about hurting my feelings and accusing me??
Anyway, is already the past. He hurts me, I hurt him, we are even. My conscious is clear. I stated facts and I didn’t do whatever he accused me of doing. I gain nothing from him and I didn’t ask him for anything. If he wants to deny his lovership with me and what he said about ‘her’, is his choice. But think about this…..why would I put my own image on the line if what I wrote on my blog weren’t facts and had any truth to it? What do I gain from exposing myself as Peter Wittendorp’s ex-lover? Nothing good for sure.
So why did I do it? I have a main reason which I never told anyone. Maybe 1 day I will write about my main reason. But for now, I will just keep it to myself.
Lastly, I’m very happy that reading back those old posts didn’t make me want to cry anymore. I don’t feel sad, upset and mad. I could tuned out those negative feelings pretty well. So I’m happy 😀!