4.9.16 – My emotions

Still haven’t recover from my flu and cough yet. Body feeling tired and sometimes breathing was a bit labouring especially after doing some house chores. But other than that, not too bad. Was able to sleep better last few days so emotionally I’m feeling calmer and very much in control. I don’t feel angry toward Peter at this moment. So I guess it is a good sign.

I was feeling angry and even a sight hatred early of the week was because I googled my name and saw a fair bit of posts with my name mentioned in it together with his. Those posts were terrible and vicious. I shouldn’t had googled myself. I had stopped doing it for a few months and itchy hand me, I thought I was in the clear already. Apparently not!! 😣😖

I was pissed off and angry at him because if he had handled everything openly and honestly when the shit storm just hit the fan on his end, I wouldn’t be dragged into the mud! If I’m not dragged into the mud, I wouldn’t need to regain back control and my freedom by writing about him and I openly!! If I didn’t think of doing that he wouldn’t accused me and I wouldn’t spiralled into the darkness for a few months and had my heart broken into pieces!

Of course I’m responsible for my own decisions and actions, but his lying to me for 2 years was the main caused of why my name is tarnished together with him and ‘her’. I really don’t give a shit what both of them did in their personal life and marriage, I just don’t want to be a part of their mess and shit storm! And what made me so mad was the fact that he didn’t do anything to remove those posts. He just left it there without doing anything! Fuck! So when I saw it, I just went ballistic and I had insomnia thinking about it.

It was deja vu all over again as his harsh, mean and brutal words and actions flooded my mind in the still of the night!! Hence I was cursing him and had negative thoughts/wishes about him. But these last 3 days I managed to regain back some calmness by reminding myself that I have to experience the shit storm because it is part of my destiny. So pointless to get upset by it.

God didn’t put this man in my life for no reason. He was in my life to teach me a lesson and until I have learned all I need to learn, I think my name will still be stuck in the mud with his for awhile. Sigh!!

So I have to stop googling myself for good. And I hope he will get all those posts remove by his team of professionals. And he can stops being an asshole and starts to be a real man.

As of now, I’m emotionally calm and I will do my best to stay this way 😉!

 

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