Experienced fitful sleep for a few nights now. Although I was very tired, but the moment my head hit the pillows my brain was wide alert. And it just kept going on and on and on……a lot of thoughts crossed my mind, but the most dominant thought was about Peter!!! Fuck! I really don’t fucking understand why this man still popped into my mind intermittently. WHY?? I want to know why I can’t get rid of him!!! I thought I had exorcised him from my heart and mind, but it looks like I didn’t. From my heart definitely a resounding yes. I don’t feel the loving and caring feelings that I used to have for him previously. Sometimes I feel like I might even hate him especially the last 2 days as I didn’t had any good thoughts about him! I wanted to see him hurt and I prayed that Karma will catch up with him immediately. I wanted him to pay for his shitty and asshole treatments toward me, for playing with my heart and mind!! 😤😤
There were a few times I wanted to post all the SMSes between us that I still keep and show the world his true colours. I was really tempted, but I told myself don’t do it! Don’t do something I might regret later! Don’t allow a temporary negative feelings about him to drag me into the dark hole again. Is not worth it for an asshole like him. I will not allow myself into darkness again! If I fall back into darkness this time, it will be mayhem because this time around I will not hold back any of the damning proofs of our affair and how he misled me into believing he was going to get a divorce. All the lies he fed me. He could have easily diffused all my negative feelings if he had sincerely apologise to me and answer all my questions so that I can have a proper closure and able to move on cleanly. Now, although I’m moving on nicely, but once in a blue moon, like the past 2 days I was hit by the negative thoughts and feelings about him. Why?? Because too many unanswered questions about why he had to lie to me, why he had to tell me he loved me only to hurt me so deeply with his senseless accusation! About why he played with my mind and heart?? Why, why, why??? Why ME???
He could just has he picked since he always told me women threw themselves at him including 1 of his so called best female friend whom he cares a lot. Her bf name is the same as his too! He told me she wanted to be with him and he finds her attractive with nice body and a wonderful woman. So why ME? She lives in SG just like him so it would be easier for them to have affair. So why me???
“Peter, why the fuck you chose me to hurt?? I never did anything bad to you and I had liked you for 10 years and in loved with you for 2 years and yet you hurt me without a thought. I never asked you to walk back into my life. I wrote you off, deleted your number and cut all contacts with you, but yet you waltzed back in to pursue me, gave me hope and then stabbed me in the heart repetitively. I fucking hate you! I hate you for being a coward and always brushed aside all my questions. I hate you for making me feel bad and guilty for asking you questions to get clarifications. I fucking hate you for tricking me into trusting and believing you blindly for 10 years. During these 10 years you fucking walked in and out of my life more than 6x. I gave you so many chances to come clean with me, but you never did until the shit storm hit the fan!! You fucking asshole!!”
All I wanted were answers and a sincere apology from him so that I can stop blaming myself for trusting him blindly! So that I know he isn’t a monster and an asshole! He walked away without feeling remorseful after he shattered my heart into pieces and let me slipped into darkness. He deserves to go to hell! I think at this fucking moment I hate him!! I don’t wish him well. I wish he will be punished for what he did to me. I really wish he will be punished by karma! To be honest, he doesn’t deserves my forgiveness and an apology from me, but I gave both to him because if I don’t I will do a lot of stupid things to destroy both our reputation.
I experienced 1st hand how ugly, mean, harsh and cold he could be and I don’t want to be like that! I also witnessed on a scale of 1-10 his hypocrisy, which is at 10! His cheating and lying skills also at 10!! But as a father to his kids, I would say he is a good father to them. But as a man to a woman……he is a fucking asshole!! I’m sure he thinks of me as a crazy bitch by now because of my ranting about him openly. I think he might also feels regret for loving me. Haha. I’m not surprised of how he thinks of me because he is a master of blaming everyone but himself!! He is rarely wrong therefore his actions and words weren’t the root cause and responsible for my hurt and pain. He is never at fault or guilty, hence I brought this upon myself.
He conveniently forgot that I was the one who reminded him to go back to his core self and stop living a life of lies and deceits! Looking back I wished I didn’t. I should had let him continue lying to people around him. I shouldn’t be so nice and helped him realigned his core self. I should just let him continue to lie and cheat to ‘her’ so that their marriage would be in trouble. But I didn’t because I wanted him to be happy and have a chance to save his marriage even though I was still in love with him!!!
So what do I get at the end of the day for being nice and caring?? Accusation!!! Yup…..fucking accusation.What type of man would do that to a woman he said he loved and a friendship he cherished??? Only a self-serving asshole would be able to do what he did to me!!
Anyway, I’m not the same woman as before he shattered my heart into pieces. And if he even try to hurt me again whether directly or indirectly, I will not hesitate to drag him thru the mud and get dirty. He has more to lose than me. But I will not cross over to darkness if I can avoid and control it. I just want to have peace in my mind and heart. I know I have to learn to accept the fact that he will never gives me proper closure by answering all my questions truthfully and honestly as well as he will never sincerely apologise to me. Not after this post especially, because his ego and pride are bigger than him being a decent human being and a responsible man. Beside he still thinks and believes he didn’t do anything wrong to me.
In his eyes and mind, I was the one who wronged him! I don’t need him to tell me to confirm it because I know how and what he thinks. I can read him like a book, except I failed in detecting he is a deceitful liar!! I know I sounded very hateful in this post and I hate to admit, but I do hate him at this very moment!! I don’t know why, but I just feel very hateful towards him NOW!! I’m not a saint and I’m definitely not a fakey like him, so I chose not to hide how I feel about him at this very moment.
I just want him to know that he is the root cause of all tumultuous emotions and all my outpouring of feelings on my blog wouldn’t happened if he had chose to give me the 2 things I wanted the most – a sincere apology and a truthful and honest conversation where he will answer all my questions without holding back!! He could had given me a proper closure and helped me to move on peacefully, but he chose not to!! Simply because he is a selfish asshole!
I think I better stop here or else I will curse him more. And I also don’t want to continue to be spiteful and hateful! I need to go back to my positive thinking and feeling. So ending this post now.
P.S. Did you tell her I was in your mind for 10 years?? And you had liked me for 10 years, from the 1st day you met me? That all these time it was you who reached out to me even after I cut you off entirely?? Did you tell her that you didn’t love her as much as before anymore? Did you tell her that your love for me was different than her, that it grew everyday? Or did you painted a picture of me being a psycho woman who didn’t want to let you off the hook? Haha.
I think you painted an ugly picture of me to save your own ass. That’s who you are!! I don’t think you will ever forget me. Hate me or love me, I will always be in your mind! If it makes you feel and sleep better at night to think of me as psycho woman, be my guest! Maybe I’m crazy after all because if not I wouldn’t had given you so many chances to hurt me.