So true. Singlehood is not the same as loneliness. I often hear ppl say things like “why is he/she still single? When they get old, aren’t they afraid of being lonely?”
My take is: “You can be married with 10 kids and still feel very lonely. You can be living in the biggest most populated city and still feel lonely. Conversely, someone living alone may not necessarily feel lonely because they have people in their lives they care about and causes in their lives that they believe in and work hard for. They are single but they live very fulfilled lives.”
To me, it is perfectly alright for someone to be single, but nobody should ever feel lonely. The former is a physical state, the latter a mental state 😊. – Quote from a friend, Jeffery
When I was in my early 20s’, I thought being single means loneliness. I thought these two go hand in hand. I didn’t know the differences between single and loneliness until I was in my 30s’. And the differences became more profound when I was involved with Peter. We Shared a lot of mental and emotional connection. Even physically, we had a lot of laughter when we were together even though our time were short.
Before he stepped back into my life, I lived a fabulous single life that were filled with adventures and experienced. I travelled around the world, fulfilled my dreams and checked of items on my bucket lists and I was very proud of myself. Although I did wished that I have someone I love to travel with me, especially when I went to romantic places, but those thought never lasted long. I always managed to enjoy my own company and made new friends along the way. So I was happy and satisfied. Not perfect, but definitely not feeling the loneliness.
But after Peter stepped back into my life, I was longing for him to be with me and kept looking forward to spending quality time with him. I developed an attachment towards him. I needed to talk to him daily to feel happy. He was like a drug to me and I was an addict that needed my daily fix! The 1st wave of loneliness happened in April 2014 when he broke his promised to me for the 1st time. It hit me so bad that I was crying for 1 whole week and I needed all my close friends to pull me out from the hole. I was stuck in a quicksand and I was sinking on a daily basis. I never felt so lonely since I was a young kid and the feeling scared me. I couldn’t reached out to Peter to rescue me. I didn’t want to scare him. I didn’t even tell him about this incident at all. My friends were worried about me as they never seen me in such an unhappy state of mind before. And I cried non stop. I knew in my heart he was still in my life, but knowing wasn’t enough. Suddenly my life looked so empty and I was very vulnerable. I really didn’t know how to deal with the feeling of loneliness. Thank god for my circle of good friends who were there for me when I needed it the most. They reminded me of all I have in my life and how far I have made it on my own. And slowly I regained back myself and got rid of the loneliness.
Peter was my achilles heel. And in the 27 months he was in my life, everytime he put me through emotional roller coaster rides, I had to go away to catch my breath and reminded myself again and again that I would be ok without him in my life. Mentally he was there for me, but physically he wasn’t. Emotionally he was there 80% only so it wasn’t enough. He just evoked the feeling of loneliness in me and there were a few times I told him how I felt and he said he understood very well. I had him in my life, but I felt the loneliness more profoundly than when he wasn’t in my life at all. Weird right? Maybe it was a lesson I needed to learn hence I felt it so profoundly.
I feel that all of us are unable to escape loneliness in our life journey. It will bound to happen irregardless if we are single or taken or have a loving family and a group of good friends. We are all human with emotions and feeling lonely will always be 1 of those multitude of feelings we have to experience in life like it or not. No one can stay happy 365 days for the entire journey of our life. Is ok to feel loneliness as long as we don’t live there. We just need to acknowledge the feeling, find out the root cause, address the issue, learn and move on.
Loneliness is just a feeling. It will past. And always remember, the couple who look happy together might not be truly happy. It could be just an act to show the world. Everyone wears a mask. Not many people dare to show their true self to the world. I’m the exception! So now that I’m back to my old self, I’m not feeling lonely anymore. I feel alone, but not lonely. Don’t confuse feeling alone and feeling lonely. Alone doesn’t equate to loneliness. Alone simply means I’m single and I enjoy my own company.
And being with someone doesn’t guarantee you are in love and won’t feel lonely. In fact, nothing is worst than being with the person you love and yet still feel the loneliness. I know of many people who are currently in this situation. Taken, but not in love and definitely feeling the loneliness. But yet didn’t have the courage to get out. Giving excuses why staying is better than leaving.
I will do my best to avoid the feeling of loneliness. If I ever be in a relationship and the loneliness feeling creeps in, then I know it is the sign for me to leave the man I’m with. I shouldn’t feel lonely if I’m with the right man. I should feel complete and fulfill. Loneliness has no place in a relationship if I’m with the right person. This is how I will know if I’m with the right guy and in the right relationship.
Because of Peter, I know clearly what I want and don’t want from a man and in a relationship. If the man I’m with could love another woman and cheated on me with her, it just means he doesn’t loves me as much as he says. It means his love for me has diminished and although I will forgive him for cheating, but I won’t stay in the relationship anymore. The moment he falls in love with the other woman, it means his love for me isn’t the same as when he first fell in love with me. I will not be able to tolerate half baked love. I thought I could, but after Peter I know clearly I couldn’t.
I just won’t put up with tainted love even though he might still loves me and I might still love him. I don’t want to be those foolish women that trick myself into believing that my man is remorseful and will not think of the other woman anymore. If he truly loved the other woman before, he will still continue to harbour good feelings for her. I know this for a fact because my male friends told me. And I believed them because they are my close friends. I have 1st row seat insight to a man’s thinking. Hate or Love the other woman, she will always be in his mind. An undeniable fact according to my male friends. Haha. Sad but true!
Anyway, women are very good at bullshitting ourselves and create all excuses why we should stay and not leave a man and a marriage. Just ask yourself, if he truly loves and respects you, he wouldn’t had fell in love with another woman!! Whatever reason he gave you are just bullshit! Men are darn good at story telling and excuses! And we women are good at sucking up to those stories and excuses. Hahaha.
Oh well……loneliness is a just a feeling. It isn’t a permanent if we don’t allow it to be permanent. And always remember, being in a relationship doesn’t prevents you from feeling lonely. And the moment you feel that, please evaluate your relationship.
Being with the right man in the right relationship will not leave you feeling lonely. Once awhile is ok. But if it is a regular occurrence, then something is missing in the relationship and it might be time to leave. Listen to your gut feelings. Never ignore the red flags. A temporary happiness isn’t true happiness. Be with a man who never let you feel lonely when he is with you. Always remember that!!