Healing nicely

Slowly but surely I’m getting over Peter. 3.5 months had passed and it was hard in the 1st month as I had to come to terms with the fact that he will never be in my life anymore and dealing with the hurt and pain he inflicted on my heart. It was not only mentally torturing, but also emotionally and physically as well. Every time I replayed our last conversation, it brought me to tears and I couldn’t breath without experienced severe chest pain. It lasted for 2 weeks. I never told any of my best friends what I experienced until recently. I didn’t even blog about this until tonight. I was glad that I had a job to keep me occupied in the daytime and at night I just stayed home as I didn’t feel like socialising. I was a wreck in May and my friends commented that I looked like I had lost weight. I wasn’t sure if I did or not as I didn’t weighed myself. I just know that I couldn’t retold what happened between us without tearing up and feeling the chest pain. I could still remember that on the last Sunday in May, I sent him a SMS to lash out at him as I was still very upset, sad and mad at him.  After I sent off the SMS I told myself I need to let him go and move on. I need to stop looking for answers because I will never get any answers. I need to learn to accept the fact that he will never apologise for what he said and did to me. And with that final SMS, I promised myself that I will not shed a tear for this person anymore. But I still missed him a lot. There were times I imagined he would text me out of the blue to apologise, but of course it never happened.

As I transitioned into the month of June, I could feel that my old self started to come back. I gained a lot of insight and clarity into my life and that helped in my healing. And also during this period, I began to open up and told a few of my best friends what happened between Peter & I, from A-Z including the internet harassment to his lying and accusation of me. It made me felt so much better after I was able to tell them my story and poured out my bottled up feelings and emotions. I was grateful to my best friends for lending me their ears, for not judging me and for reminding me again and again of  the core me. Their constant reminder helped me a lot. I re-examined my life, my past relationship with Peter (both lovership and friendship) and I realised that I was compromising a lot just to keep him in my life. He puts me thru hell and I called it love. Hahahahaha! That realisation was a slap in my own face!! And my wake up call. I have to admit that I truly did loved him more than I thought and wanted to admit. In the past, I always denied that fact that I loved him deeply even when he asked, I just said I loved him but I never told him how much because I didn’t want to scare him away. But after the brouhaha and in order to heal myself, I decided to face all my feelings and emotions head on. No more hiding, denying and lying!! I couldn’t ignore it if I want to heal hence facing it head on was the only option I had. That was also part of the reason why I decided to write about him & I.

It did crossed my mind to give him a pseudonym, but then I decided I didn’t want to do that because he is a human being with a name and a face. Yes, he might think I wanted to shame him purposely or whatever negatives shit that he could conjured up in his mind about me, but I decided I had to do what was best for me and not him. And what was best for me was to write about our story openly and without hiding both our identities. Beside, it was necessary to regain control of my life especially from the internet harasser. I was and am prepared for being judged by people I know and don’t know. To me, that was the only way I could let him go and moved on. I know it wasn’t the best and wisest move, but it helped me to get over him and out of my system! So in June, I was on the road to recovery from my heartbreak.

And today is the last day of July and I can proudly said I’m healing nicely. How do I know? Oh well, I put myself thru some mental tests in the past few weeks, recalling all the harsh and mean words he said to me and it didn’t made me sad, angry and upset anymore. I tried to force myself to write about him, both negatively and positively and I just didn’t feel like doing it at all. As each day passed me by, I feel less and less of him. Yes, he is still lingering in my mind, but I could feel he isn’t in my heart anymore.

In May, I was still longing for him to walk back into my life, but now I don’t have such longing anymore. I tried to imagine what would I do or how would I react if he does indeed reach out to me 1 day a few years down the road and the truth is I might have forgotten him by then. Hahaha! Nah, I doubt I will forget him unless I have amnesia which could be a possibility as anything can happen.

I also know he isn’t in my heart anymore because I don’t miss him  and don’t care what he thinks of me anymore. Not only that, I also don’t care about his feelings like I did previously. But now, all I care is taking good care of myself, stay true to myself and continue to be ME without omitting any parts of me. I cease to care if he deviates from the core him. I’m not interested to have him in my life anymore nor me in his life!! His world is just not my cup of tea anymore. Not only it is filled with dramas, but also lies and deceits. A blunt person like me will never be able to fit in as I will not tolerate being accused of something I didn’t do! I can forgive and forget a lot, but not accusation! That was an insult and assault to my character and I wouldn’t allow anyone to do that to me, especially him! To me, my dignity, self worth and self respect are more important than having him in my life even as a friend. With that realisation, I’m able to let him and whatever love feelings I still have for him go.

I’m happy to declare that I’m moving on nicely in my life. Tomorrow is August and it is my b’day month. Looking forward to celebrating with my girlfriend from NYC in Bali 😂😂

Although the healing took me 3.5 months, but it is definitely shorter than I thought. I never thought I would be able to stop loving him and get him out of my heart, but today it shows me I could. So the possibility of me forgetting who he is might not be impossible. Haha. Only time would tell. He once said to me he didn’t want me to forget him. But I think now he will be glad that I forget him. I think he will do the same to me too, knowing how he thinks and acts. He isn’t that hard to understand and I had experienced all aspects of him so I know and understand him deeper than he thinks. I just don’t show it only.

Oh well……he doesn’t concerns me anymore. So this is how I feel about him now. I’m very sure he will not lingers in my mind much longer.

I’m a rebel and I don’t conform. And I’m daring and I don’t give a fuck about other people view and opinion of me hence I always do what I want. I’m definitely not the typical women that are in his life or he met before. If he compares me to anyone he knows or presently in his life, he will never be able to understand me because I’m unique. Hahaha! He will never meet another interesting and exciting woman like me again. That’s a fact!! Ok, enough self praising. Cheeky me kicks in!! 😛😛

Anyway, he doesn’t concerns me anymore. So this is how I feel about him now. I’m very sure he will not lingers in my mind much longer. He might makes a cameo appearance in my mind from time to time, but it won’t affect me emotionally and mentally anymore. He is just simply up there in my mind!

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