Heart & Mind

Each day you are fading further away from my mind. I tried to recall the love I felt for you and it isn’t there anymore. I tried to remember those silly conversations that we used to had on daily basis which never failed to put a smile on my face before, but now it didn’t make me smile anymore. I wanted to hold on to those memories, but my mind just wouldn’t cooperate. Maybe this is the sign that I’m finally letting you go from my mind and heart. Your existence isn’t that important and precious to me anymore.

If tomorrow I will to get the news you are no longer on this planet, I might still feel sad and maybe a tinge of regret because of the way things ended so uglily between us especially when we both intentionally hurt each other to the point of no return. I might even shed a tear or two because I did loved you with all my heart and soul, but I won’t miss you at all. In my mind and heart now, you are just a man with a heart of steel, a man who played with my heart and mind and a man that doesn’t has the balls to apologise sincerely for hurting me.  I don’t respect you anymore. In my eyes now, you are just a fake and your life is just a joke fills with lies, deceits and pretentiousness. The web of lies you created and told me were just too complicated for an honest and blunt person like me to comprehend. And I don’t want to understand as it will taint my mind and heart!

But then I have to thank you too. Because of what you showed me about you and your life, I’m even more determined to be more open, honest and blunt with people around me. I will not be a fake like you and I will not be a hypocrite like you are!! Now I understand why you felt offended when I unintentionally called you a hypocrite. Simply because you are one!! But I didn’t know that at that time and looking back now, I felt foolish for apologising and felt bad for calling you a hypocrite. Silly me! Only a guilty person will feel offended!

You were so right when you said you were not a gentleman. I didn’t believe you back then, but now I couldn’t agree more and finally I could see why you made such a disclaimer in the early stages because you had planned from the start to be an asshole. The red flags were there from the beginning, but I was too blinded by my feeling for you that I chose to ignore it. I tricked myself into believing that you were an honest, genuine good man who would never hurt me intentionally or lied to me. Liar was never a term associated with you until now. Do you know what was the hardest thing for me to accept ?? That you were a liar and you played with my feelings. You led me on and made me believed you loved me! You are really a piece of work Peter!!

Anyway, I’m glad that we had this fallout because it allowed me to see the real you. The side of you that you hide from the world. Now in my mind and heart, you are a liar, a hypocrite, a fake and an ass. And I definitely don’t fit in your world! Your world is full of bullshit….just like you! I wish I’m a super bitch because then I will post all your SMSes I still keep and let the world be the judge! And your photos too.

Last but not least, please continue to think negatively of me. Is ok if you think you don’t know me anymore because you don’t!! I have changed. I became even more blunt, honest and open. I have nothing to fear except for not able to be the authentic me! I will openly express my thoughts about anything, everything, anyone and everyone. I will post whatever I like whenever I feel like it. My life, my choice and my decision!!

p.s. A sincere sorry from you was all I ever wanted. It would have made me heal faster. You just like to see me suffer!!

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