Dated: 6 May 16
I was going thru my photo albums to delete any unwanted photos and unexpectedly his face popped onto my screen. I didn’t expect to still have his photos as I had deleted it from my phone. I guess it was backup before I deleted it and I never realised until I cleaned up my iCloud. It brought back some memories – both good and bad. At first when I saw his pics, I was taken a back and all the harsh and mean words he said to me came rushing back and hit me like a tsunami. I looked at his face and I was like …..who is this man in the picture? For 2 full years, we had a lot of happy memories and lots of laughter. Ratio 70 (happy):30 (sad). But now it is all gone!! Thanks to him!
After the initial anger and hurt, the happy memories came flooding back into my mind too. The wiseass and sarcastic jokes he cracked, he cheered me up when I was down and unhappy, he stepped out to call me when I told him I needed to talk to him, his teasings and when he reminded 6x a day to go and see a doctor when I was sick. I miss this side of him. The carefree, big kid and silly sides of him.
Of course with happy memories, there were tons of bad and sad memories too. Which I wouldn’t dwell on it as I don’t want to get myself upset again.
I couldn’t help wondering did he tried to reach out to me in the past 2 weeks or he just can’t be bothered at all?? I wouldn’t know because I block him on my phone so even if he did, I wouldn’t get any messages or missed calls from him. I told him I have unblocked him and I did, for 2 days, and I block him again. Why? Because I don’t want to get any unexpected harsh and mean messages from him especially when I’m writing about us openly. I can guess his reactions and I don’t want to deal with his ugly side. If he asks nicely, I might explain my reasons.
But at this moment, I’m not sure if I’m ready to deal with him. I’m experiencing mix feeling for him now. I want to forgive him and reach out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because he never apologise for his behaviour and ask nicely what he can do to redeem himself. Knowing him, he will start pointing finger at me again. Haha!
So in the end I decided to continue to block him. If he really wants to reach me, he has other avenue. But just not thru phone. If he reads this post, he will be paranoid again…..about the pics of him I still keep. He might worry I will post it up on my blog for the world to see. If I really want to expose his identity, I would have done it way earlier and not now. Anyway, he can thinks whatever he likes and wants. I don’t control his mind.
So will I ever post his pics?? Hmmmmm……………not answering :-)!!