1 of my best friend from Macau came to visit me. We have known each other since we were 19 years old in Hawaii Pacific University. 22 years of friendship. Although we don’t see each other often or speak regularly, but nothing is amiss between us when we do get the chance to catch up in person. We are very comfortable with each other and we told each other our deepest secrets. I brought her up to date about what happened between me and Peter and she was shocked and angry with him. All my best friends and very close friends know about my story with Peter. I’m bless to have friends like them in my life whom I can talk to about anything and everything without being judge.
Anyway, I was able to tell her what happened without feeling sad and tearing up anymore :-)! I wasn’t angry or upset with him anymore. I shared with her how I feel about him now. I don’t hate him, has never hate him and will never hate him. When I think of all his negative, mean and harsh words threw at me, I’m still able to feel peace within my heart. I have to honestly admit that I truly loved this man and might still love him. Not as deep and as crazy as before, but I think I still do love him a bit. Although I might still love him, but that doesn’t mean I want him back in my life. I have to love him from a distance.
I know I’m very foolish and stupid to still love him, but I can’t deny what I’m feeling now nor do I want to deny and lie to myself about my current feeling. I’m praying hard that 1 day my feelings for him will be erased entirely. But currently, I still feel love for him.
When I told my best friend Gloria what I’m feeling, she understands why. Although she wants nothing more than him out of my life permanently, but she knows it takes time. She even said that Peter & I, our fate haven’t end yet. A scary thought to be honest. I don’t want to go thru the same shit storm he puts me thru and as long as he isn’t single, I really don’t want to have anything to do with him and I definitely don’t want him to be in my life. I don’t want to be 2nd choice!! It isn’t worth it!
Anyhow, I doubt he will waltz back into my life after my disclosure of his identity in my posts. So not going to think and worry too much. Let it be……..I have more important things to worry than whether is him going to waltz back into my life or not especially now when it is confirmed that my recklessness, fearlessness and craziness are back with full force :-)! So happy to have my old self back! Hehe