A good friend of mine asked me during our lunch on Thursday what if Peter reaches out to me again in the future? Will I respond to him?
I answered my friend that his hypothetical question of what if will never ever happen again during this lifetime! He asked me why am I so sure? I told him that is because I’m doing everything to makes Peter hates me to his core so that he won’t want to reach out to me again. I know that if he does reach out sometime in the future, I will respond to him as normal because I’m a foolish woman who still has a soft spot for him after what he did and said to me. I know I’m silly, foolish and crazy. So to protect myself and my heart, I took the route of no return……which is by disclosing his identity in my posts. The most stupidest and unbelievable move on my part, but I don’t have other choice.
I tried to hate him and I failed. Although I cursed at him and even swore in my previous posts that I was glad he wasn’t in my life anymore, but in reality is that if 1 day he reaches out again there is a good chance I will respond. I’m also worry that instead of him reaching out I’m the one to reach out and he responds back too. I do not want history to repeat itself again even though the chance of it happening is remote, I need to nip it at the bud.
I don’t want to be friends with a married ex-lover if he is not single. If it was just physical, then the friendship wouldn’t ended so badly. We were connected mentally, emotionally and physically too. That were why it was so hard for me to accept the fact that he could hurt me so badly. Anyway, the past is the past. And to protect myself from him, I choose to do the 1 thing he hates the most – full disclosure of his identity. It hurts me to hurt him, but I don’t see another option.
Beside, whether I do it or not, he will continue to accuse me of being a bad person who commits devious acts, I might as well make his accusation comes true for him so that he doesn’t feels guilty and bad for mistreating me and being a class A jerk towards me. I told him from the moment this internet harassment started that I wanted to write about us personally, but he stopped me. He said he would take care of things and it would never affect our friendship and we would get thru this nightmare together. But in the end, not only he left me out in the cold he also threw me under the bus and ran me over repetitively. Plus stabbing me in the heart until I almost lost my core self with the pain he so cold heartedly inflicted on me. So why do I still have a soft spot for him? I don’t know……I really don’t know. And I don’t want to find the answer because I’m scare of the answer.
I’m keeping my calm and control when I know in my mind he hates me to his core. It stops me from reaching out to him especially now when I’m almost back to my old happy go lucky and don’t hold grudges self.
So my good friend question of what if will never happen! I’m dead sure I will not hear from him anymore as long as I’m alive. I believe I have succeeded in making him forget me, our past and memories. All I can say is I’m a foolish woman when it comes to him. Peter is my archilles heels and I still don’t know how to overcome this weakness.
Anyway, not going to waste time thinking about it. Let it be!
p.s. Maybe pouring and disclosing full details are the only way for me to get rid of this archilles heels.