Struggling – written on 9.5.16

Some days I’m good, some days I’m struggling to control my anger towards him. Is not easy especially when the last few days I had been receiving ‘rubbish’ emails and link to a site where the contents upset me. I’m doing my best to let go, but it isn’t easy. Our last conversation ended on a bad note with a lot of harsh and selfish words exchanged. I can handle the fact that we are no longer friends, but I couldn’t forget the accusation. Every single time he popped into my mind, the feeling of hurt and pain just rushed back to me. It made me felt very angry and made me question everything I know about him. Made me question my judgment in people. Made me question my ability to trust again. Made me question everything he told me. Made me question was anything between us real or an act? I don’t know how to deal with all these questions because I don’t have answers. I feel like I’m in shock because I thought I know this man. I thought he is a good guy and he wouldn’t hurt and used me. I thought his feelings for me were genuine and sincere. I thought he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally because he promised me over and over he wouldn’t, but in the end, he is one of the 2 persons that hurt me the most in my entire life. My mum was one of it. And now him!

It is like Deja Vu for me again. My mum also accused me of something I didn’t do, but I got over it because my mum is the type of person who will use accusation when she doesn’t gets what she wants.   My mum is damaged and I have known it since I was a child so I could get over it quickly. My mum is who she is and she never pretended to be someone else.

But HIM, it never crossed my mind in a million year that he could be so mean, harsh, heartless, cruel, cold and so full of darkness. It just never crossed my mind he could be so blinded by rage and anger until he is willing to destroy anyone blocking his path to revenge. Any good intention, if not in line with what he wants to do or what he has in mind will be deemed as wrong and bad. He will do anything to protect himself and in the process he lose sight of the goodness in people. He can be a hypocrite. He always said I jumped too fast to a conclusion and yet he did the same with me all the time.

He told me he values honesty and directness, but yet he lied and covered up his flaws and mistakes. He told me he hates people who are fake and scheming, but yet he himself is living a double life, scheming and planning how to lie and continue to lie until I reminded him not to do so. I know I shouldn’t be affected by this man accusation because what he thinks of me isn’t a reflection of me, but because at one stage I was deeply in love and trusted him without a doubt, my mind and heart are still unable to accept the dark side of him. I shared all my stories with him, my fears, my hopes, my struggles and my weaknesses openly. Some of the things I told him were never told to anyone. I thought he cares and understands me, but apparently he doesn’t. I told him to ask and understand why before he assumed, but he preferred to assume. I told him I don’t think and act as the majority of the people, especially women, so don’t assume that what he thinks are what I have in mind countless times in the past 2 years, but yet he never listens!! He always thinks his thinking is right and the rest is wrong just because it makes sense to him. He likes to be in control and when he can’t be in control, he will starts to behave harsh and cold. He told me once he will never says the word “sorry”.  He will just says “I apologise”.

I trusted him not to break my heart and I told him from Day 1 (6.1.2014) he walked back into my life if he doesn’t plans to stay for long and if he intends to hurt me, please walkout of my life immediately. He promised me and told me repetitively that he wanted to be in my life and would never hurt me. But he broke his promised! Not once, not twice, not thrice, but many times until I lost count!

I need to pull myself out of the negative states of mind. I need to see the goodness in him. I don’t want to expose his identity. Although it will be my words against his as I don’t have any proofs to back me up as I had deleted our emails and whatsapp chats when he requested me to do so back in February as he was worried he would be found out and exposed. I did keep the last SMS exchanged where he hurled accusation at me to remind me how ugly and heartless he can be. I sent a copy to him on last Friday as keepsake!! Haha.

Anyway, I feel a bit better writing about my thoughts and feelings. I realise now that it will takes me longer to recover this time than previously. I need to take time to restore my core beliefs and to forgive myself for trusting and loving him without a doubt. For being stupid in thinking and believing that he will never lie and hurt me. For thinking he is a man I could respect and trust beyond a doubt. For thinking that he is honourable and a gentleman. He did told me that only I assumed he was a gentleman. He never said he is one. At that time, I laughed it off as a joke. But now I know what he meant.

I will never accuse a good friend of anything unless I have concrete proofs. Even then, I will ask to find out why and understand the reasons behind it. I will never destroys a valuable friendship like he did. I will never stab someone in the heart with my harsh and cruel words like he did with me. I should let him be a compulsive liar and continue to live in his deceitful life rather than reminded him to be the man that his son can be proud of. A man that can look at himself in the mirror again and not feel guilty and ashamed.

But knowing myself I couldn’t let him go down that path. Just isn’t me. Even now that I’m angry at him and feel likes making him pay for hurting me, I know the most I will do is what I’m doing now. Just writing without exposing who he is. Unless he gives me a solid reason to do so. He is solely responsible for my behaviour towards him!!

I know he won’t admit any responsibility, if anything he will blames it back on me. In certain things I do know him too well I guess. Haha.

Anyway……..I will work towards recovering and I hope it will be soon because I don’t want to be in this state of mind for any longer. I will need to learn to except I will never get a sincere apology from him for what he said and did to me. I will need to accept the fact that he will never step up and be the man that I thought he was.

And maybe 1 day, I will apologise for writing about us, about him and all the negative things I said about him in my blog. But it will never be today. Some day in the future when I have managed to let go of the hurt and pain he caused me with his words and actions.

Till then……


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