Heartfelt and brutal honest email to Peter Wittendorp

Dated: 27.9.14

Hey, i don’t want to walk on eggshells around u and I simply can’t. If I have to hold and filter my words and thoughts just to keep u around, I don’t think it is a healthy friendship and I don’t think it is a friendship we both want. Why we are still friend until today?? Because we are comfortable around each other, we could be ourselves, speak our mind and we made each other happy. I don’t want to lose u as a friend and ur friendship, but not at the expense of losing my own identity. I’m sorry, I can’t do that.

I don’t know why u shut me out again from July onwards, but u did. U r wearing a mask and putting up ur protective wall again. U claimed I pressured u when I asked u when u r coming to KL and that wasn’t fair to me. Why? because u know deep down in u I didn’t pressure u. U felt pressured because u r unhappy n frustrated u couldn’t keep ur promise to me. I think u do care about me and u don’t want to disappoint me so when I told u outright u did, u felt pressured. U know that I want u to hangout with me is secondary, the bonus. The prize is u want me to continue to trust u. U know that eventually I will lose trust in u if u keep missing out on ur promises and u didn’t want that to happen. U r frustrated, but u didn’t want to tell me. So instead u turned the table around and said I pressured u. Put the attention back to myself and made me feel guilty and bad. Not cool. Haha

U said I know ‘all’ about u?? hmmmm……i don’t think so. i only know the fact u r still legally with someone and u have a son with that someone. I don’t know what happened between u, what u went thru, ur dream, fear, likes, dislikes, ur daily life and etc. I want to get to  know u deeper because u r a great guy. i don’t want to see the surface u. the one u put on a mask everyday for the world. i don’t want that guy. i want the guy i 1st met 8 years ago. the guy who didn’t give a shit about covering up, not in front of me. The guy I admire, like and treasure very much. What happened to him? Why r u hiding him away from me?

U walked back into my life because u know very well that u can be urself with me irregardless if we are just friend or more, now or future. U know I will never change who u r, but accept and enjoy u being u. And u know I will not allow u to be someone else around me by wearing ur mask and hiding behind ur protective wall (haha, doesn’t go well with ur ego). But hey, that’s me. Remember u told me to speak my mind freely and don’t need to pretend. So here I’m, back to my very, very normal self, not walking on eggshells around u, not worrying what I say will pressure n stress u out n u MIA for good. I stop worrying because it is not healthy at all for me.

Maybe because u r busy and so stress out with ur biz, hence u don’t have time to ask me questions about myself, my past, dream, fear, likes and dislikes. Or maybe u simply don’t pry like u said or u didn’t want to know me deeper and better as a person?? I don’t know, but I can tell u that if u don’t try to know about my past and my background, u will never fully understand me. Is ur choice. Oh ya, u don’t even ask me anymore how’s my day or weekend? U used to be curious and inquisitive. Now u r like a robot. Haha

I want the guy without the mask and protective wall. Please don’t tell me u r always the same because u r not!!!! Remember what u said to me on thursday……u said u r a bit crazy like me, but u covered it up better than me. Arrgghhh…….I just want u to be u around me.

Believe me, I’m writing this email from a very calm state of mind. Not jealous, not upset or angry. Not even disappointed anymore. OK, BS, I still am a bit disappointed, but manageable. I just don’t like losing my trust in u. I did think about giving up on our friendship in the last 2 days as I felt I was losing myself and turning into an insecure woman when I was around u. I hate that feeling. And i’m not having an emo period. Trust me. I’m very sane and alert now. haha

And I told myself no freaking way I’m walking away because if I do, I will always feel insecure even if u r not in my life anymore. So I choose to confront my demons within me and here I’m, writing to u. If this email chase u away, then tough luck on me. But I can be pretty sure that if u MIA again, it is not because of this email or the so called pressure and stress u claimed I gave u. It is because u don’t like the fact that I can understand u and make u think about urself more. U don’t want any distraction now, but at the same time u welcome it because u know it is a good distraction. If it is bad, u would have walked away long time ago since we are just merely friend. We are not legal so no good reason for u to stay if u don’t want to stay.

Anyway, the above are my most honest thoughts. U asked me not to bottle up and tell u how I feel, so here I’m, honouring ur request

p.s. Since i don’t know when we will be able to sit down and have a nice long chat – i’m going to ask a question i been dying to ask. did the someone cheated on u? from the bits n pcs that u shared with me, that was the picture i derived at. did u feel u have to give it another go because it was partly ur fault as u were caught up in ur biz (still are) and didn’t have time for someone? u guys agreed to give it another try, hence the downtime at night and weekend. u r still trying because u been together for a decade n u might feel a bit responsible for what happened. u r not addressing the issue 100% because u started ur own biz in 2012 and been busy making sure ur biz is successful so u concentrate on ur biz 1st. but it did changed n forced u to reexamine ur life. but the core u, the workaholic u, will always be ur no.1 lover in ur life. haha. maybe ur children will share the no.1 spot too.

u hope that things will go back to normal, but if u really search ur gut and admit the true feeling deep inside u, u know the real answer. u r not a person who can forgive so easily when someone wronged u, irregardless who they are. but this case is different, hence u choose a different path. anyway it is not my place to tell u what to do and i might have even pissed u off to the max with the above questions. I apologise for prying, guessing, and making u think (if any),  but i wouldn’t apologise for wanting to know u better as a person and as a friend. a good friend.

if things r cool with us, give me a call next week. if i don’t hear from u next week then i know things r not cool with us and i will leave u alone. u don’t need to give me any explanation. i know u enough to be able to read ur mind, like it or not. i just shut it down in the last few months because u asked me to do so and i respect u so i did it. but my perceptiveness will always be sharp and alert all the time. i want u to stay in my life and vice versa (like u promised me), but i can’t force u. 9 years coming and i don’t want to throw away our friendship. but i really can’t tiptoe around u. i need to have the freedom to speak my mind, voice my thoughts about everything and anything. i’m ok with taking it slow, but not at the expense of filtering my thoughts and holding back my words.

thank u for reading this long email. i’m going to chill and think positively that everything is cool with us and i will hear from u next week !  a good morning wake up call will be the best way to let me know v r cool and put a BIG SMILE on my face. if I’m honest, i’m actually nervous now. haha

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