I have seen and heard too many stories about failed marriages……..they are not happy, but they forced themselves to stay because of the kids, financial, familiarity, ego, honour and whatever other reasons/excuses they could come up with. Love, trust and desire in the marriage are either long gone/diminish, but because of share financial and they want the kids to grow up in a so called ‘intact’ family, they stay on for the kids sake. Most people will say to themselves or to their friends/relatives/family that is the right thing to do. The kids happiness is the priority. I couldn’t agree more. But I have a question to ask……what message are you sending to your kids when you pretend to be happy in an unhappy/unfulfill marriage? Are you teaching your kids that it is ok to ignore their own happiness/needs/wants?
Are you really doing it for your kids benefits and happiness or are you doing it for your own conscious so that your kids won’t think of you as a bad parent?
Are you using your kids as a shield because you don’t want to face the reality that your marriage has failed? Are you trying to avoid giving half of your hard earned money to your partner? Are you trying to maintain your public image??
Which is the truth? Only you know the truth.
From what I have gathered from people I know and unhappy with their marriage, majority stay in the marriage because of their kids. Main reason. And the reason they gave me is that they want their kids to grow up with both parents living in the same house even though their marriage has ended for them. They don’t want to file for divorce because they don’t want their kids to think of them as a bad parent.
They are physically present in their kids life and to certain extend mentally and emotionally present as well, but they are not happy. They hold back their unhappiness in front of the kids, but suffer in silence. Although they still talk to their spouse, but it is out of necessity rather than love. And even if they still love their spouse, they told me that their love has changed.
So then my questions are : Is this a healthy marriage? Is this marriage worth to continue? Is marriage supposed to be all about kids only?
For me, the answer is NO. I will not stay in the marriage for the kids sake nor for financial reason or any other reasons. I always think that if I can’t be myself and I’m not genuinely happy in my marriage and with my life, I’m cheating myself of the life I deserve – which is a HAPPY AND HONEST LIFE for myself! If I’m not happy, I can’t be happy around my kids too. That’s me. I can never force myself to be happy when I’m not.
A lot of people will think I’m selfish because I put myself first. YES I AM! I don’t have my own kids now, but if I do have my own in the future, I will teach them to be true to themselves, to put their needs and happiness as their top priorities. Never compromise on things and people that will rob them of their own happiness. Sacrificing one happiness is a noble act, but it is also not sending the right message to the kids. The world needs more people who can be true and genuine to themselves. We only have 1 life to live. So how can we choose to live a life where we have to control our actions, feelings, wants and desires. I’m not willing to stay married if I have to sacrifice my true self and conform to society expectations.
They might not understand now, but they will when they grow up. You can pour all your energy into your kids, but you have to remember that one day they will grow up, have their own family and leave you. By then, your precious life on earth has passed you by and there is no more 2nd chance for you. Some would say the sacrifice is worth it. Some would regret it. For me, life shouldn’t has any regrets.
If you think you are providing a good environment for your kids to grow up by pretending to be a happy family when it isn’t, you are robbing your kids the chance to learn what is true happiness. You can be divorced and your kids can still grow up happy because they still have both parents in their life. Sometimes, they might have more than two parents because of step mum/step dad.
It might be hard on the kids initially, but eventually they will understand. You need to show and teach them to be selfish because when they grow up, they need to depend on themselves to find happiness and not wait for someone to make them happy. By providing them a cocoon of happiness, they think that happiness can be found externally. True happiness comes from within oneself when one is allows to pursue his/her choice of life. A life without pretending and lying to oneself that it is ok to stay in a failed marriage/relationship. A life that is worth living and fighting for. If I do have kids thru adoption or stepchildren, I will definitely teach them to always be selfish when it comes to their own happiness and never give up and sacrifice their happiness for anyone. I will teach them to be strong because walking away from a failed marriage takes more courage and strength than staying. Staying is a sign that both party are cowards. They rather take the easy way of doing nothing than to do everything in their power to change their life and destiny.
So for people who think they are doing their kids a favour by staying in an unhappy marriage, please think again and ask yourself honestly why you don’t want to get the divorce??
Don’t use the kids as an excuse because they are not your excuse! If you are a good parent, you will always be a good parent, divorce or not. If you are a good parent, you will know how to explain to your kids to make them understand and think intelligently why you need to divorce. They might not understand when they are young, but they will understand eventually! And if you are a responsible adult and a good parent, you will sit down with your spouse and work out the details for an amicable divorce where both parties come out as a winner. Learning to let go is the key to achieving true happiness. When a marriage is coming to an end, don’t hold on to it hoping that there is still a chance to turn it around.
And if you use your kids happiness and wanting to give them an ‘intact’ family as excuses, then you are not a good parent because you selfishly doesn’t want the kids to think of you as the bad parent when you file for divorce. To me, using the kids as an excuse is the most selfish act!! I can’t accept such excuses!! Today’s kids are way smarter and their ability to adapt to changes are faster than adults.
If you truly love your kids, show them the courage to love, to trust and to be happy without fear. Teach them that their happiness has to be the utmost priority before they know how to make other people happy. When you are true to yourself, you show your kids how to be true to themselves. You are their role model, so be the right role model. Teach them how to be true to themselves and always, always pursue their heart desire. Never allows anyone to hold them back. The person who truly loves them would want them to follow their heart and not ask them to compromise to make someone else happy.
If because of share financial and properties, it is even a more unacceptable reasons not to file for divorce. These are all material possessions that you can’t take it with you when you die. And as long as you are still able to work, you can earn back what you have to give away.
So why sacrifice your own happiness for an unhappy/unfulfilling marriage because of material possessions??
For me, I’m a selfish person. My happiness and being true to myself are my priorities. I can’t be the right role model if I’m lying to myself, if I pretend to be happy when I’m not. I’ll never stay in a marriage for the sake of kids and money.
I will let go and move on when my guy makes my life miserable and unhealthy even though if there are kids in the picture. I will do my best to be a great parent irregardless if I stay in the marriage or not. In fact, if I choose to stay I will be a miserable parent because I’m trap in a marriage that I want out. I hate to be trapped because I’m not an animal. I’m a human being and I have the freedom to choose from all the choices available to me. So why should I not choose the life I want when I only have 1 life to live. That’s me.
And yes I’m selfish. But please don’t pass judgment on my selfishness if deep down you agree with what I wrote.
In fact, think about my questions and answer it honestly to yourself. You owe yourself the truth and honesty. If you can’t be honest and truthful to yourself, then you are living a life that is a big lie. You can lie to everyone, but please don’t lie to yourself. If you do, that will be the message you will be teaching your kids. Lie to themselves. Ignore their true feelings/wants/desires.
Divorce isn’t easy and there will be a lot of heartbreaks, but if it is necessary, it is better to do it sooner than later. Again, it is my personal views only.