Never thought that when I saw him end of February this year was our last dinner together. When I first saw him walking out from the hotel lobby, I got a shock as he looked old, haggard, sad, stress and very unhappy. He aged so much compared to last year. He grew a beard too and it made him looked even older. I was so surprised and shocked to see him in such a physical state. I took him to my restaurant for lunch as he wanted to try my food and checked out the place. Lunch was subdued as a lot were weighing on his mind…..including saying sorry to me for lying. He did and I accepted it. He didn’t want to tell my anything, although initially he said he would. He said best I don’t know and I agreed with him as I really don’t want to know even until now. He told me during lunch that he respected me and valued our friendship, therefore he flew to KL to apologise in person. I knew he was sincere in trying to make amend. That’s why it is so hard for me to understand how he could be so mean and harsh to me? And to think so deviously of me?? How could a person became another person in a span of 2 months?
Anyway, looking at him so stressed out and unhappy, all I wanted to do was to cheer him up. I just liked to see him smile and laugh gaily. I missed his smart ass jokes and teasing. I thought of ways to cheer him up, but I didn’t manage to until evening time when we had a few drinks. Even during then he was still quiet, but a bit loosen up. I couldn’t remember what we talked about, mainly casual topics. We avoided talking about the internet harassment. At that point I still didn’t have any idea what is going on in his life. He just gave me snippets of it. We had dinner at Prime and I was still trying to cheer him up and made him laughed. This time I succeeded. He said it was actually good to get out of the house for awhile. He said he was grumpy and quiet at home too. I was so not used to this side of him. Maybe because I’m a happy go lucky person irregardless how bad a situation is, I always choose to think positively. He said I’m bubbly!
After dinner we had tea. And that was when he started to act like a big kid. Unexpectedly he threw cube sugar at me and laughed at his own action. I threw it back at him and missed. He took away the sugar container before I could reached for a second cube. Haha! We were acting like a kid in public, but I was happy to see him laughed. He promised me that the next time he visits me again, he will be his usual happy self again and better company. But now it won’t happen anymore.
We both had a hand in destroying our friendship by acting without thinking and speaking without tasting our own words before it left our mouth. Now it is too late to take it back. Intentionally or not, the damage was done. I don’t know why I’m writing this post. Maybe I don’t want to give myself a chance to let him walk back into my life. Or maybe I want him to be so pissed off after reading this post that he will hate me. Or maybe because I have nothing to hide. Nothing to be ashamed of. My life is an open book so no one can use anything against me! I won’t allow it. Rebellious streak in me. The more I’m threatened, the less scare I will be!!
Anyway…….life is too unpredictable to spend my time worrying. If shit hits the fan, then I will deal with it then!