Goodbye email to Peter Wittendorp dated 24.6.16

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hate you for the way you treated me. For all the harsh and mean words you threw at me and for even thinking of me as a devious and bad person. It is a reflection of your state of mind, not mine. I wanted to give you a chance to explain to me, but I don’t think I will be able to trust your words. You planted too many doubts in my mind. From the moment you admitted you lied to me and asked me to help you to cover up, I already began to wonder who you are. Although I managed to get you to come clean, but then another side of you showed up, the dark side of you. I know you are going thru a lot right now in your life, but it shouldn’t have changed you so drastically. You are living a double life now – the private and public you are so drastically different. You can deny it, but you know deep down I’m right. 

I tried to understand why you were so mean and harsh to me, but I couldn’t figure out why. I couldn’t figure out what I had done to you to deserve you to treat me this way. I really couldn’t because there is no answer at all.

In the 2 years you were in my life, I always wanted the best for you, to make you happy and to be there for you. I didn’t plan to fall in love and continue to love you. It just happened and I truly love you. You are the 1st man I truly love. But from today onwards I will learn to let go of my love for you and move on with my life journey without your presence in any form. I don’t want your friendship anymore. The feeling or hurt and pain you caused me are too deep for me to forget immediately.

I can never feel safe around you again. You hurt me repetitively even though you said you never set out to hurt me. But you did. You are terrible at handling your emotions/feelings and you aren’t as calm and cool as you portrayed to the world. Your mood swings are horrible. You don’t want to address your inner demon, issues in your marriage and life, but instead you shifted your focus and blame external factors for your current situation. You created your own mess and now you allow someone invisible to change the core you.

I’m not going to defend myself against your absurd and ridiculous accusation. I don’t care what you think of me or feel for me anymore. You started the harshness and when I gave you a dose of your own medicine, you got the cheek to tell me you were taken a back by all the harshness and meanness. It was your own doing, but instead of admitting your own fault, you just conveniently manipulate the fact to make me the guilty one.

Peter, you aren’t the only one who can be mean and harsh. You forgot I grew up fighting a lot of demons to get to where I’m today. I could be even more harsh and mean with my words, but I choose not to because I don’t think it will accomplish anything. I choose to see the good side of everyone even those that don’t deserve, such as my mum.

You are holding yourself ransom. You are afraid of your own demon and you don’t want to face it. You are hiding and avoiding it. Your biggest demon now is you are afraid of full blown exposure. I’m scare of it too. Very scare in fact. But I thought people will be more forgiving if we expose ourselves before a 3rd party does it. If we expose ourselves, we are not held ransom by the ‘fucker(s)’ and we buy back our own freedom.

Freedom is like air to me. I can’t and won’t allow it to be robbed from me. If someone threatened my freedom, I will do anything to get it back including some very risky move. That’s my way of protecting what I value the most. Not the best way, but you should had asked, understand my reasons and give some consideration to my idea. Not the brightest and smartest idea, but I don’t deserve the accusation, not once but twice and the threat from you. Your toned was threatening.

Anyway, you are too proud and prideful to even acknowledge what I said to you are right. I’m sad not because your chapter in my life is closed, but because the person I fell in love with is gone and replaced with this ugly mean harsh you. I’m sad because you are not honest and true to yourself.

If you ask me now, I feel sorry for her. because you don’t truly love her now. Before yes. The day you decided to lie and cheat, irregardless of your reasons or excuses, you already don’t love and respect her. You fool yourself into believing you still do. Anyway, not my problem.

I figure if you could hurt and disrespect her, whom you swear to protect, I shouldn’t find it shocking that I got the same treatment as her. I know you probably thinking now how dare I said all those things to you. Well, if you are not so caught up with your ego and pride, you would see that I didn’t said all those things to get back at you. I said it because I still see and believe the good in you. I just don’t know what happened to you in the last few years to cause you to change. You are not only disrespecting us, but you also disrespecting yourself.

It was a slow and gradual change. Something in your life that you are not happy about and knowing you so well you are choosing to block it off, to chuck it in a corner and ignore it. Yes, you are doing it!! Don’t deny the fact that I’m able to understand you, what makes you tick, what makes you happy and what you care about the most. I can say with 100% certainty she isn’t your priority. And your feeling for her isn’t the same anymore. Your love for her has changed and you know that.

Anyway, I sincerely wish you well. I’m very calm now. I was reacting to your words and actions the last few days and I wanted to lash out and hurt you with my words and actions. I wanted you to experience the pain and hurt you had caused me.

But not anymore. I can’t and won’t allow you to change the core me. I can be impulsive, hot temper, blunt and even harsh with my words when challenge or accuse or push to a corner, but I can never be that type of person permanently.

Peter, don’t lose yourself in the pursuit of justice and revenge. Be brutally honest and true to yourself, what you really want and etc. Don’t continue to brush it aside. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you had made, the pain and hurt you had caused, and the lies you had said.

For Jori sake, please realign yourself and be the same person in private and in public. No one will judge you if you don’t judge yourself. And it doesn’t matter if they judge you. You know who you are. Why do you care?

Anyway, I wrote this email is because I need to close the chapters of you in my life properly. I have to do this for myself. You said it all the time you wanted to stay and be a part of my life, but I don’t want anymore. I can’t stay in ur complicated and drama filled life. You suck my positive energy out from me.

And we have too much bad feelings between us now to be able to have a proper friendship. You need to focus on fixing your marriage if that’s what you want without my presence. She will feel threatens and insecure as long as I’m still in your life.

If I can be blunt 1 more time, you might still have feeling for me even though you didn’t admit it. You told her your privacy is your privacy when I was mad and upset that you gave up your privacy. Why? You wouldn’t do that if we were just friends. It doesn’t matter anymore what’s the truth or not. Maybe it was just a fiction of my imagination.

Maybe 1 day we will cross path again. Maybe not. At this moment, when I still love you, I can’t and don’t want to be in your life. I’m going to be the loser and be hurt again and again. Too painful and vicious for me.

p.s. I blocked you yesterday whole day but i have unblocked you. But don’t reach out to me as I need to slowly let u go from my heart and mind. If you come back in again now, I will be sucked into the same cycle. Only reach out if things have changed or improved on your end and you are back to the good guy I fell in love with. The Peter I love so much and deeply. I need space. IF you have nothing good to tell me or want to be upfront with me, leave me alone. Show up in person to show ur sincerity or forget about it. Don’t bother.

This will be my last, long and heartfelt email. I will keep my promises – not google our names or my name and mention you in my name. I have removed certain harsh posts because i couldn’t bring myself to hurt you for a long period. Only when I was super mad and upset. Please do your best to protect me from the ugliness.

The 2 years of you in my life had been crazy, fun and you gave me a lot of memories. I choose to keep the happy memories and delete the bad ones. I believe 1 day I will meet a man who will knows how to value, treasure and cherish me. Your loss, his gains. I will make sure he writes you a thank you note for giving me up.

I wish you well and happy. I wish you find your path soon and make good use of the 2nd chance God is giving you to choose the life you want to live. Don’t hold on because you are scared of losing. Be fair to her and yourself.

Goodbye Peter.

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