Last night I made the decision to close and end his chapters in my life as I don’t want to subject myself to another heartbreak. Although I still love him, but for my own sanity and health, I need to walk out of his life. No matter how many times I forgave him, he never appreciates it. Is a vicious cycle. I just set myself up for more hurt and pain if I don’t walk out from his life now. Although I still love him dearly, it is time to let go. To erase him from my heart and to forget that he means a lot to me. My heart dies on that day when he accused me of something I didn’t do. I know I will never feel safe with him again. He might not hurt me intentionally, but he did hurt me. I can’t trust him to keep his words and promises to me. If he can’t honour his words and promises, I won’t honour mine to him too. In life, we can’t always take without giving. It is time for me to stop giving to him.
Maybe I sound bitter in all my posts, but I’m not. I’m just feeling very sad and hurt beyond words can describe and when this happened my actions are controlled by my feelings. I’m going into my own defend mechanism. I told him to leave me alone so that I can learn to stop loving and caring for him. I told him to be the bad guy so that I can hate him. I need to heal and the quickest way is to hate him. Because by hating him I will stop loving and caring for him.
He never says sorry for accusing me. He never takes back his hurtful words. All I want is for him to apologise genuinely. But is ok. His ego and pride are so HUGE he will never apologise. I will just blame myself for allowing and encouraging such a shitty behaviour from him. Even if he says sorry now, it is too late. I might still love him, but I can’t trust him anymore. I love him, but I can’t forgive him yet. I can’t forget his accusations.
And I really don’t care what he thinks of me or whether he knows me anymore. I’m just too hurt to even care. All I care now is healing myself. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone I love so much……but I need to. He never genuinely care for me and there was a motive behind all his actions. It was all about him, him and him!! He is my biggest lesson to date.
It is time to say GOODBYE…..
p.s. Suddenly I feel like going to war…..Not good as I’m not thinking, but rather reacting now!! There are a lot of naive women out there who choose to continue to believe in their man and stay with him even after they lied thru their teeth, cheated and hurt them. No matter how successful a woman is, she will continue to pretend and ignore his wrongdoings. I didn’t ignore his, I just chose to give him 1 final chance, but he screws up this time and destroys our friendship that he claimed to value and lost my love for him. Done and over with him.