There were times I wanted to reconnect with you to find out how are you getting on and wonder if I have crossed your mind in the past 2 months. I wanted to ask you if you hate me for what I wrote about you and us? I wanted to ask you do you feel regret for what you did and said to me in the past? I wanted to know why you walked back into my life repetitively and promised to be a good friend only to leave again and again. This time was the worst and you hurt me to the max. Although I have healed and not angry with you anymore, but I couldn’t forget. I wanted to erase you from my mind, but it keeps lingering around. I could remember most of the things you told me, the good, the bad and the ugly, but it didn’t make me hates you. I don’t hate you and I don’t think I will ever hate you. I’m happy to know that you didn’t manage to change the core me. It might be dimmed for a short period, but it is always inside me. And I got it back now.
You mentioned that you might not know who I’m anymore. Well, it is because you choose not to see and accept me for me. I had told you countless times that I write and blog about anything and everything I fancy, but you always told me not to do so. You said our memories should be just for ourselves. When I told you I forgot some of the things I wanted to tell and share with you, you told me to write it down. And I did. I wrote it down and emailed it to you as you suggested, but then you changed your mind and told me to stop. You told me I made you felt obligated to read. You never wanted to understand me. You never gave yourself a chance to listen to me without passing judgment. All you ever wanted was for me to follow your ways and changed me.
I told you again and again and again I would rather lost you and your friendship then to lose my own voice and identity. I didn’t change. Is just that you choose not to accept the fact that I can never be silent and I decided not to compromise anymore. I decided I don’t want to do what you wanted me to do. I decided I had enough of compromising and giving unconditionally to you and our friendship. Yes, you are my biggest weakness to date. Yes, I admit I still have a soft spot for you even until today, even after all the ugliness and accusation you cold heartedly threw at me. But having a soft spot for you doesn’t mean I don’t have a voice. Doesn’t mean I will stop writing about posts related to you. It just means I stop listening to your bullshit and do what you said. It means I will continue to be myself and live my life as openly as possible.
Remember what I told you……I will never ever lie to myself and no one, not you, not anyone will be able to tame and control me. I didn’t change. You just never gave yourself a chance to truly understand me. I’m not a fakey and I will never be one. I will not write something happy and nice when I’m feeling shitty and upset. I will never be someone I’m not. I’m not afraid to be judged because I know who I’m. I’m not afraid of anything. I don’t live my life in secrecy. I told you my life is an open book and I tend to keep it that way. It means I will write anything and everything about my life as long as it is the truth or a fact. You were a chapter in my life journey, hence you will be featured. If you don’t like it, too bad.
I will not omit your chapter in my book just because you aren’t happy and excited to be featured :-)! Am I’m crazy? Oh hell ya I’m. I will never deny that fact. I told you many times and you agreed as well. Anyway, I never expect you to not hate me because you are not a big hearted man. In your mind, I did you wronged when I openly wrote about what you did and said to me. You always want to be the good guy. I portrayed you as a bad and ugly person. Therefore, you will hate me and tell yourself I’m a crazy and bad person. Is ok…..it is really ok. You are entitled to your thinking and I won’t convince you otherwise. I don’t need to defend who I’m to someone like you who is committed to think badly of me so that you won’t feel guilty for what you did and said to me. You will never have the guts to choose to look at things from my perspectives because only your perspectives matter. Other people perspectives are irrelevant and to be twisted to suit you. You have a need to be right all the time. Even if you are wrong, you will never apologise and admit it.
You are judgmental and biased. You are selfish and scheming. You said you hate people who scheme, but yet you did that to me. You knew very well that I had your best interests when I asked you to come cleaned with her so that you could look at yourself in the mirror everyday without feeling ashamed. You knew that I wanted you to have your core self back and you thanked me for reminding you that. I thought I knew who you were until you pushed me under the bus and hurled baseless accusation at me when the shit hit the fan and she read the stolen emails and whatsapp messages. You promised you wouldn’t gave up our friendship no matter what, but when all hell broke loose, you turned around and shot me in the heart coldly and meanly. You stabbed and stabbed at my heart until I almost lost my core self.
Even until the last minute, you still wanted to use me when you had decided to end the friendship. You were cold and calculative till the end. As a businessman, you are smart and successful. But as a friend and a person, you suck! Maybe I was easier for you to take advantage of and bully because I have a soft spot for you. You screwed up and no matter what you tell yourself about me or the ugly picture you painted for your mind to believe, deep down you knew you treated me badly. I’m not you. I don’t know how to act convincingly like how you did it to me.
Last but not least, a threat from me will be something like this, “if you don’t take back your accusation I will post all the SMSes exchanged between us”. It wouldn’t be, “take back your accusation and we will talk”. If I wanted to put us in the limelight, I would have done it with proofs that you will never be able to refute at all. If I wanted to destroy your reputation or split up your marriage, I didn’t have to wait until this year. I could have done it when you were still in loved and cared for me. Beside, I had walked out from your life since last November. I cut off contact with you. It was you who chose to reconnect again in January and brought all your drama into my life without warning me about it. You were selfish and you never hesitated to push me under the bus and ran over me yourself. All you care was protecting you own ass.
I should hate you, but I couldn’t. I know I sounded like I do, but I don’t. I’m not even sad anymore thinking about what you did and said to me. Although it is hard for me to stand in your shoes and see it from your perspectives, I’m trying and that’s why I choose to forgive you. I choose to see the goodness in you. Not easy, but is getting better and better each day. You will never be able to understand what I’m thinking because you never fully understand the core me and my views on life. You listened, you remember, but you never take time to deeply understand who I’m and what shaped me into who I’m today. I’m evolving everyday, unlike you. You are too set and stubborn in your way of life and thinking. I don’t. I’m flexible and adapting. You aren’t a rotten apple. You just blundered badly in the way you handled our friendship/lovership and me.
Anyway, occasionally I did miss the fun, joking and crazy you. We had great chemistry even just as friends. Even though you are no longer a part of my life journey, I still want to wish you all the success in your business and your life. No hard feelings on my end. And I’m going to choose to see the goodness in you even though it won’t be easy for me to do so.
Life is too unpredictable and short to choose live a life fill with hate and grudges :-)! I meant what I said and said what I meant! Too bad you never appreciate me for being me (especially my bluntness and brutal honesty) and fully understand me, how I think and view life. If you had, we might still be good friends today. Anyway, there is always an ending to a story. I guess ours just ended uglily and badly. No regrets!