I apologised for calling him a prick and saying that he is a terrible man because I feel bad for being so harsh and mean. I’m not a mean person and after I had calmed down I felt bad hence I apologised. That’s my biggest weakness. When I forgive someone, I let go. And when I let go it means I don’t hold grudges anymore. So no more grudges = feeling bad for my meanness and harshness because the core me are an easy going and very forgiving in nature. I allowed my emotions to control my behaviours and actions when I’m hurt and mad. Not proud of it and not regretting what I had said to him directly and indirectly because that were what I felt and wanted to do at that time. I needed to write about my feelings, my experienced and history with him to maintain my own sanity. The past is the past so I’m not going to revisit it again.
I’m feeling differently now as I slowly regaining back my core self and moving on after all the dramas he brought to my life. There are still some residues left, but I know I’m recovering because if not I wouldn’t felt bad for calling him a price and a terrible man! I would have felt that I’m entitled to call him anything I want and continue to be a bitch. But I can’t because I just don’t have it in me to be a permanent and full time bitch!! Sometimes I wish I’m, but I’m not no matter how hard I try. I don’t last long being a bitch. Haha. Definitely my old happy go lucky and free spirited self is back!
Anyway, I apologised because I felt that was the right thing to do if I want to realign and regain my core self. I did it for my own well being and not for him! All my good friends told me that I’m crazy to apologise when he should be the one to apologise to me…..my answer to them was, “is ok”. If I chose to forgive him, then I should also let go of grudges and admit my harshness and meanness. Life is too unpredictable to continue to be mean and harsh to another human being. I just couldn’t do it. I just don’t have it in me except when I’m being wounded, super mad, hurt and pissed off. Once the storm has passed, I will revert back to my big hearted and forgiving self. To most people it is my biggest weakness and in fact even lack of self respect. But to me, it is my strength and my self respect isn’t lacking just because I apologised. I always take responsibility for everything I do. If I feel that I did or said something wrong and it is against the core me, I will apologise irregardless because this is how I operate as ME. I’m proud of who I’m. Can’t help me being me! haha