I need to realign my core self because for the past few weeks I allowed a particular person accusation, words and behaviors to unrattle the core me. I had been consumed by my pain and hurt inflicted by that person until to the point all I could think of was retaliation and rebellion. I wanted to show the person the level of pain and hurt I was experiencing and I wanted the person to feel bad, regretful and remorseful of his words and behaviours toward me. I just indulged in my negative feelings and hold on to the pain and hurt like holding on to my dear life. I thought by holding on to those feelings it would make me forget that person faster and eliminate that person from my life quicker. In actual fact, the opposite was happening. The more I held on to negativity, the more it choked me, the more I drowned and lost sight of the core me. I can’t allow that person to rob and change the core me. If I allow that to happen, I’m not who I’m anymore. I was in a dark tunnel for almost 1 month, but now I finally see the light again. I always forgive and forget irregardless of how bad a person treated me because at the end of the day it is a reflection of the person characters and not mine.
And we don’t get out of this earth alive so I don’t want to waste my time living in my pain and hurt. It isn’t worth it. That person isn’t worth it. I don’t think that person is a bad person at all. That person might be a class A jerk to me, but not a bad person. I always choose to see the good side in everyone and everything and try to understand why things happened or why people changed or behaved the way they do and I shouldn’t stop just because of a particular person :-)!
Anyway, I am thankful for the witch and jackass photo I saw a few nights ago because if I didn’t see it, I would still be in the dark tunnel. It was a scary photo, especially the face of the witch. Never seen an ugly witch before. The eyes were so heinous looking and the mouth with the red lipstick gave it a ghostly affect. I showed 2 of my friends and they said the same thing too. As for the jackass, 1 word to describe it – scary. I don’t know why, it shocked me into thinking and facing my own demon. I was afraid to admit that I was still holding on to a small glimmer of hope that person would waltzed back into my life and apologised profusely for all the wrongs that person did to me. Hahaha! I know, I know…..I was in denial and fantasising at the same time :-)! But when I saw the scary pic, it forced me to address my inner demon and be brutally honest and open with myself and my feelings. I know that hiding and denying my feelings are not going to help me to heal. Openly admitting my weaknesses are the right step to healing and letting go.
From this experienced, I learned my main trigger point, my weaknesses, my strengths and possibly the meaning of love which I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out but failed to do so until my latest experienced that person gave me. I can say with 80% certainty that I’m at peace with myself and I can control my inner demon of retaliating. I also need to thank my colleague for sending me a phrase last night about surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me and not surround myself with people who bring out the worst in me. I’m an inspiration for a few people and I want to continue to inspire, but I can’t do that if I keep staying in the darkness. Hence, instead of fighting darkness with darkness, I’m going to fight it with light. I’m lucky to have friends and colleagues and clients who regularly reminded me of my strengths and provide support to me when I need it.
Losing people isn’t the most saddest thing, losing myself in the process of trying to hold on to people who don’t appreciate me is the saddest thing. Losing my dignity, self-worth and self-respect trying to live a life that isn’t align with the core me is unacceptable. I can never be fake and I will not run away from taking responsibility for my actions and decisions. I admit I lost sight of the core me for a few weeks, but now I have regained it back. Not 100% yet, but at least 80%. Life is too unpredictable and short to waste it on things and people who don’t add value to my life. It was a painful lesson, but nevertheless it was a lesson I had to learn because that person was destined to be a part of my life journey that helped me to discover and understand myself further even though it brought me pain and hurt. At this very moment, I can give myself a genuine smile thinking back on the past. I can feel the peace and calm within my heart and mind. Instead of fighting the memories of that person, I just let it linger until it dissipates itself. I don’t need to do anything about it. It will just sit in my memory box as useless data. That person presence cease to exist anymore in physical form, what’s left is just a memory. I will not indulge in the memories be it good or bad. I will just let the memories sit quietly in a deep corner because no matter what, it was part of my life experienced. Like it or not, good or bad, it helped to shape me into a better version of myself. So for that reason it will always be a part of me, but it will not affect me anymore :-)!
I need to restart my adventures and live my life to the fullest again. I temporarily lost sight of all the good things I have in my life now. I have a lot more to be grateful and happy about and I should focus on all the beautiful things in my life. I will just sit back and let karma does it jobs because the universe is fair. For now, I should focus on getting back to my core self and enjoy my journey :-)!
A big thank you to my friend for sending me the pic of the witch and the jackass! Although it almost gave me nightmare! Hahaha! Thank god it didn’t. Thank you for helping me to realign my core self and reminding me the beauty of having an honest and open life :-)!