My Brother’s Birthday Party

Last night my brother had his belated birthday party @ Arena Bar, TTDI. It was a good and fund night because an unexpected guest showed up – a HK TVB actor, Hung Tin Ming. I was planning to stay for 2 hours only, but ended up staying till about 2.30am. I played a few rounds of beer pong with Tin Ming. He looks much better in person than on TV ­čśÇ. And he is really friendly and nice. We sat in the VIP room so it was kinda private. But he wasn’t afraid to socialise or be seen as he went out to play slap cups with my brother and friends.

I challenged him to play beer pong and he agreed. I won the 1st round and he challenged me to a 2nd round. Haha. 2nd round he won. So it was even. After that we played double and it was an even games. We won and we lost too. Instead of beer pong we played with champagne so even more potent.

My brother opened 50 bottles of champagne and we finished it all. Crazy. Haha. Luckily I work for myself or else I won’t be able to wake up today to get to work. OH well, I definitely had a fun time. Photos as proof. ­čśü

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Mood swing today

Mood swing started wee morning today. Unable to sleep well as a fair bit of negatives thought were swimming inside my brain and I felt down. In fact I shed a few tears too but it didn’t last long. I couldn’t sleep so I did some spring cleaning on my friends list. I deleted people who no longer I keep in touch, removed myself from inactive group chats and deleted old chat messages between myself and friends who has shown me their selfish side especially Naomi and Nora. I’m totally and utterly disappointed with them. I almost wanted to delete them from my phone book, but I held back. I deleted my chat history with Nora and removed myself from the group chat with Naomi & Gloria. I promised myself I will never allow myself to be taken advantage again.

I seriously feel like distancing myself from them and people who are fake. Lately, I’m becoming a loner. I haven’t left my house for a few days already and I’m actually feeling fine with it. Or maybe I have started to build a wall within my heart to protect myself from being hurt again. I used to be generous and big hearted with people especially with my friends, but what I got back in return is their selfishness. I have been asking myself lately should I terminate my friendship with them as I don’t feel connected to them anymore. Somethings in me have changed since the bad experienced 2 years ago. I don’t look at friendship and relationship in the same ways anymore. I don’t want to be the one always giving and being taken for granted anymore.

Being big hearted, generous and giving only brought me heartaches, disappointment and ┬ánegativity. I need to stop doing that to protect myself. To be honest, I lose faith in humanity. Day in and day out I witnessed with my own eyes and experienced first hand the ugliness, selfishness and fakeness of my friends and brother. The more I see and hear ┬ápersonally, the less I want to know and associated to them. I’m slowly becoming a loner and to be honest, it is kinda peaceful.

I’m beginning to question the important of friendship if I have friends who are selfish and only reach out when they need something from me. What value do they have to add to my life?? The more I try to search for the good things about them, the more I realised they had not done anything for me. I wasn’t a calculative person until now. I don’t keep scores of what I did for my friends and family until now. And it was because of my bad experienced with him. I’m changed because of what he did to me.

Honestly, I will never wish him well. I wished he will be cheated 1 day. Karma will catch up with him. I prayed for that day to happen to him fast. Yes, that were all the ugly thoughts that went thru my mind when I had a terrible mood swing. He robbed too much from me and I wanted him to pay one way or the other. Luckily, it was just thoughts and it passed by quickly.

Anyway, I never allow myself to go on a down spiral into darkness. I managed to control my thoughts and injects positive thinking and energy into my brain so that I can bounce back fast. If I can’t stop thinking negative thoughts, what I will do is distract myself by playing games on my iPad until the negative thoughts passed. Most of the time it works because I stop myself from thinking and focus on just playing games and nothing else.

Oh well, I feel better already. Is time to go to bed so that I can have a good sleep and feels good tomorrow.

Indifferent attitude

Being and feeling indifferent is actually not such a bad thing especially when I don’t get drawn in to drama and negativity caused by other people. Being indifferent allows me a peace of mind and I don’t get upset and unhappy over someone shitty behaviour, actions or words. Being indifferent allows me to stay calm and focus on myself rather than on people. Being indifferent doesn’t means I don’t care. It means I’m selective of the people I want to care for and the extend I want to care about them. It isn’t a blanket and blind caring, but rather selective caring. Being indifferent also means that I won’t be sway easily by emotional, but rather I will be persuaded by facts.

Being indifferent is another way to allow people to be who they are and live the life they want without judging them. Being indifferent towards people is actually a very liberated feeling. It allows me to see things more clearly and gives my time and energy to people who truly deserve it.

Indifferent also means I don’t spend time dwelling and trying to dissect the meaning behind every words or actions. I will take it as it is spoken and interpret it as it is rather than wasting time thinking if there is any underlying meaning. Honestly, it actually makes my life lighter and simpler. I don’t get upset and disappointed easily anymore.

For instance, this afternoon I wished my brother an earlier birthday wish (his birthday tomorrow) and told him his gift is delayed as it is on the way back from US and he didn’t even reply my message. In the past I would be slightly unhappy as I would consider his silent as lack of courtesy, but now I couldn’t be bothered. To me, I had done my part and wished him. Is his choice to reply or not to reply. When I begin to accept people for who they are, I cease to take it personally how they behave or what their actions are. Another person’s actions/words/behaviour is reflection of them and not me so why take it too personally.

I actually enjoy being indifferent because not giving a shit is a great feeling.

 

Peter Wittendorp chapter officially closed

I finally figured out why it took me so long to forgive myself and got over him (Peter Wittendorp). It was because I was clinging on a minuscule hope that one day we will have a chance to sit down and talk openly what had happened between us. I was too stubborn to let go because I wasn’t ready to let go. I was hoping for something that will never happen, but I didn’t want to accept the fact even though deep down in my heart I knew I was hoping for the impossible┬á­čśë. I was just plained stubborn period. Haha.

And the moment I decided not to pursue the truth of why he lied to me, I also learned to forgive myself for believing in him beyond a reasonable doubt. The moment I stopped feeling stupid about my blind trust in him, I accepted the fact that we will never cross path again!

I didn’t want to forget him, but at the same time I wasn’t able to forgive him for what he did to me and how he treated me hence it caused a lot of internal frictions for myself. I only managed to clear my head when I was in Rhodes. I accepted the fact that he will never think of me anymore and he will never be in my life again. Yes even after how he treated me and did to me, I was still hoping (minuscule) that he was still in my life. I know, I know…..I shouldn’t had such hope, but I did. But not anymore for 1 month. So is a good sign.

I was also in conflict earlier because I felt there was a need to make him believe that I’m innocent. In fact, I wanted desperately to convince him I’m innocent. But now I realised that it is pointless to do so because what he thinks/believes is irrelevant to me. What is important is I know I’m innocent. Trying to convince someone who is adamant that I’m the culprit is actually a waste of time. I rather spend my time and energy on something else that can enrich my life and enhance my experience.

Anyway, bottomline is I’m in a good place now. Occasionally his name stills popped into my mind and I’ll also wonder about him, but it passed by quickly. So everything is good. Life is not as great as I want it to be as I have a lot of financial burden, but I will make it better soon. I just need to work hard and never give up ­čśÇ!

Happy Weekend!

 

 

 

 

 

Left elbow sprained

My entire left arm is painful as I sprained my elbow ┬áa few weeks ago and instead of getting better, it got worst. Now everytime I extended my arm, the pain is crippling. I don’t have the strength on my left arm at all. When I sleep I need to be careful because if I’m not I will feel the pain. It is really bad.

A few months ago I had the same pain on my right elbow, but less severe. I don’t know what is wrong with my body. 1 elbow after the other.

Because of the elbow injury, I had to cancel my basic wall climb course that I registered for today afternoon. I want to take learn rock climbing from an instructor, but I can only do that after attending the 4 hours basis wall course. Unfortunately, I had to cancel and I’m aiming to sign up again before end of the month as I had contacted the private instructor and told her I want to start the lessons in October.

I really hope my left arm will be back to normal soon. I need to get back in shape ASAP! Haha