Stages in life….

I think everyone of us went through our different stages of our life chasing different goals, things and dreams.

For me in my 20s’, I chased money, recognition, attention and validation.

In my 30s’, I chased status, freedom, love and money (but lesser than in my 20s’)

Now in my early 40s’, I’m not chasing all of the above anymore because I have become who I want to be professionally and personally.

Now I can be selective and live my life being myself both professionally and personally. Now I work towards my passions and my dreams. I love this stage of my life!

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Affair….

#peterwittendorp

Couple of days ago a friend of mine told me he bumped into someone at a recent charity event. He shared the same lift with a couple whom I know. They are my business acquaintances and I can’t call them my friends because all we talked about when we met were business related. The guy is married with 2 young daughters and the girl isn’t, but her dad is rich, she is a socialite, smart and pretty. Let’s identify the guy as S and the girl as V.

S isn’t good looking at all. Chubby, dark and short. But his family is rich too. S & V are business partner too. They only knew each other for a couple of years when they both attended the same event. V used to have a high school boyfriend whose family is mega rich. They were together for more than a decade before they broke off. I heard about V and her ex story from at least 2 -3 people separately and each of them told a different version. I didn’t bother to remember as it doesn’t concerns me.

Anyway, my friend who bumped into them told me that V dressed very sexily. A deep V dress that almost exposed her tits. My friend asked me why V wants to have an affair with S. I told him I don’t know and I don’t care although I was curious to know what V see in S. Such a mismatch pair. my friend was pretty judgemental. He feels that what she is doing is immoral and wrong as it will breaks up family. This is what I don’t get it. Why is it the other woman is at fault in an affair.

I won’t deny that I’m curious to know why V choose to be the other woman when she can has her picks of suitor. Young, smart, pretty, rich, popular and a socialite. If S is a better looking, I might understand. But he isn’t. I’m curious, but I never ask any V and I don’t act weird around them when I see them together. I don’t pass judgment. Although what V is doing isn’t right, but 1 hand can’t clap. Just like 1 person can’t tango so it takes 2 to tango and to clap.

S’s dad knows about the affair. They are not hiding the affair at all. In fact, many people who know S & V know they are together. They also know S is married with 2 young daughters. Affair is such a norm now that it doesn’t raise any eyebrow anymore. I have reason to think that V’s parent also know about her affair with S. Both of them are holidaying in US now until X’mas. S’s wife and kids are in KL I believe.

The reason why I don’t judge is because what is there to judge. They are adults and they know what they are doing, the consequences of their decision and it is not my place to comments or pass judgement. There is always an untold story behind everyone action/decision and since I don’t know the real story, I have no right to pass judgement. The only thing I disagree in an affair is that if a man loves for his wife has changed, then he should seriously consider a manly approach to ending the marriage. Anyway, 99% of the men want to eat both pies. I know for a fact because I just healed from a bad affair with Peter Wittendorp.

V is luckier than me as she gets to spend a lot of time with S and they travel together many times in a year openly. I doubt S will accuse V of anything unlike what happened to me. Anyway, I have and know many people who are having affair. Marriage is just an act and responsibility, but not a commitment that they will not cheat and will be with the same person for the rest of their life.

Honestly, I feel marriage is overrated. Most people live a double life. And I’m proud to say I’m not one of those people as my life is very open. I’m not ashamed of my past and I will admit if I’m wrong. I don’t hide behind a lie or find excuses for my wrongdoings. I’ll admit and face the consequences. I’m not a hypocrite as I practice what I preach. I live my life for myself and myself only. At my own terms and conditions.

Yes, I had an affair with Peter Wittendorp. Both emotionally, mentally and physically. He can denied it publicly, but privately he knows the truth. If I get to choose again will I do it? No, because he doesn’t values me.

I have a couple friend who have been together for 10 years in 2018. My guy’s friend is married with teenager kids. He flies back to Canada to visit the family 3x a year only. He and my gf loves each other a lot and he has been living with her for 6 years now in HK. She doesn’t wants him to divorce her and doesn’t mind their current arrangement. But they do pass judgment on other people who have affair. Haha. And some of my friends, the wife has an affair and some are both.

Anyway, some affairs last, some don’t. Affair is so common nowadays so no big deal. Just remember don’t pass judgment unless you know the whole truth or you have walked in their shoes. I don’t condone affair because I think it is between those parties involve and outsiders have no right to comments or  judge.

Travelling preferences

When I was in my 20s’, I preferred to travel to famous city such as London or Paris as I find it glamorous to let my friends know I visited those cities. But over past few years, my preference has changed. I prefer nature more where I can chill and relax without being surrounded by a big crowds. I get tired easily when I’m surrounded by sea of people. Also, cities don’t appeal to me too much because I will be looking at steel structures all around me. To be honest, I’m sick and tired of looking at buildings. Sometimes even claustrophobic. I admire interesting and unique buildings design like those designed by Antoni Gaudi in Barcelona. Those are really fascinating and unique. Otherwise I will stay away from having my holidays in cities.

In my early 30s’, it was still a balance of both cities and nature holidays. But from mid 30s’ onwards it all changed for me especially towards the recent few years I prefer more scenic and cultural types of holidays. I find it really relaxing and I can recharge and rejuvenate compare to cities as it is much more laid back. Beside shopping also isn’t on the top of my to do lists anymore hence cities don’t have much to offer me compare to nature and scenic holidays.

What I actually likes to do a lot more now is adventure holidays where I can try fun and exciting outdoor adventures such as skydiving, zip lining, bungee jump and etc. I also like to try 4×4 wheels driving holidays. But traveling solo can be boring if I do driving holidays. Sigh. This is the time I wish I have a man in my life so that we can explore the world together. My gfs’ aren’t adventurous or they have budget constraints. So can’t go with them. Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to do it on my own. I plan to do one next year to Tibet if I have time.

I also want to go New Zealand and do a driving holidays. I will plan one soon. Another on the top of my bucket list is Northern lights. I really wish to see it with a love one (at that time I was hoping to be him. Haha. Silly me), but now I don’t mind with friends or family. Hoping to catch northern lights end of 2018/early 2019 😁😁😁.

I still wish to go to Bora-Bora with a man I love, but if I still don’t have one when I want to go there then I will go alone. A tad not so fun, but then again I can have a summer fling with a  hot guy. Haha. Will see.

And for which season is my favourite, it has to be spring and summer because the weather is nice. Bright and sunny. Not too overly cold in spring hence I don’t need to bring to many coats and boots when I travel compare to winter. Summer is my favourite and prefer month because it is my birthday month hence I love it. Haha. Beside I can pack light. Shorts, summer dresses, tank tops and sandals.

I dislike winter a lot because it is gloomy, cold and rainy. I hate it when I’m on holiday the weather sucks. Just makes me feel moody and I have to stay indoor all the time. Really depressing. Plus I have to pack a lot of clothes too. That will fill up my luggage before I even start shopping 🙄🙄.

Nowadays I hate a heavy luggage. I prefer to travel light unlike when I was younger, I packed a lot of clothes because I changed 3x a day. Haha….Yes I did. But now I just want to wear comfortable clothes and if I don’t bring enough clothes I can always buy and wear on the spot. Last time, I wouldn’t want to wear the new clothes until I got back to my own country. Seriously I was weird 😂😂.

Fall isn’t a bad time to travel too, but not my favourite because the weather can be erratic too. 1 hour sunny and bright, the next rainy and gloomy since it is moving into winter. I think my preferences have to do with my age too. As I mature, I look at life very differently and I’m at this phase of life where I’m moving towards decluttering. So traveling preferences also have changed drastically over the years except for the fact that I still need to stay in a luxury hotel/resort on my every trip. Hahaha. Luxury can be a boutique hotel too, not necessary need to be W Hotel, Conrad or Banyan just to name a few.

And if it is long distance I need to fly Business class. Again, not willing to compromise on this at all. Long distance being more than 5 hours for me 😛😛. Yes, it is necessary. A need. Not even a want. LOL.

Anyway, in 2018 I hope I can travel to Tibet and to Iceland for northern lights. I have put off these 2 places for a few years now and it is time I have to make sure I fulfill it and check it off my bucket lists.

 

 

 

Demon in us

#peterwittendorp

I watched the movie Dr Strange again last night and the Master told 1 of her disciples, “there is a demon in all of us. Is just that we rise above it”. What she said was so true. I believe there is a demon living in all of us and majority of the population are able to control this ugly dark side of ourselves while others succumbs to it. And even then, we aren’t born evil and bad. People turned bad and evil because of their experienced and environment. Because of bad, traumatic and unfortunate experienced couple with a horrible and terrible environment, the demon in some of us rise above from darkness to the surface and became a dominant in our life. No one wants to be a bad person and no one is borne a bad person. I truly believe that everyone of us were borne good and want to grow up to be a good person too.

But sometimes it isn’t up to us to decide especially if the person repeatedly have bad experienced thrown at him/her. There are only so much of pain, torture, torment, hurt, neglect, abuse and etc a person can take. Once it became too overwhelming, I think the person will shutdown emotionally and instead of choosing to see the good in people and situations, the person can only see ugly darkness and evil in people and situations. Hence it is a question of control. Most of us have control over our emotions/feelings/actions and we will do our utmost best not to screw ourselves up.

I had experienced darkness during the period when I was wrongly and basely accused by him for something I didn’t do. At that time, all I could think of were revenge and I had killed him many times in my head. I wanted him to suffer physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted to hire a gangster to beat him up to be honest. I just wanted to see him suffer and in pain like what he did to me. Although he didn’t hurt me physically, but the emotional pain and hurt he inflicted on me were terrible that it left me mentally paralysed for a few months. No one knew how much hurt and heartache I went through and how I cried myself to sleep every night for almost 6 months. And even when I stopped crying myself to sleep, I was still sad and I couldn’t stop thinking of him and what he did to me. The accusation was the hardest and deepest blow to my heart. it shattered me to pieces because to be accused by someone I used to love for something I didn’t do was just plain cruel and ugly.

It was then that I decided to openly write about us, our affair, his emotional and physical cheating, exposing his identity and everything that he claimed we weren’t and untrue. I had SMSes and emails to back up my words and exposure. I was so hurt, angry and in so much pain that the dark side of me managed to surface and temporary took over control of me emotionally and mentally. I shutdown and I allowed the darkness to envelope me because I could numbed myself until I don’t feel the pain and hurt as I was so focus of making his life miserable. I felt a temporary relieved when I thought how humiliated he would be when people who know him read my posts on this blog about us. I didn’t care about what people think of me. I just wanted to make him paid for his asshole treatment of me especially when I had been good and nice to him. I had never harm and hurt him hence I didn’t deserve what he did to me.

If I had access to gangsters whom I could hire to beat him up, I wouldn’t hesitate to hire!! I mean back then, not now or future. It was my darkest period last year and I was literally a walking zombie. I didn’t like who I became especially when he was the cause of it. I hate how my thoughts were consumed by dark and ugly thoughts of revenge. Thank goodness I was able to pull myself out of the darkness and see the light again although it took me almost 1.5 years to fully recover from the heartbreak. I never told anyone who knows me as I don’t want to explain what happened to me, how he treated and accused me as I didn’t want to relive the pain, hurt and heartbreak again. I broke down to cry even in public just the mentioned of his name in the 1st 3 months after his baseless accusation. I feel so victimised because I didn’t have a chance to defend myself against his accusation and also he played with my emotions, feelings and loved for him and then he discarded me aside by painting me as an evil person. Anyway, it was the past.

Now I’m very much back in my old and usual positive thinking mode and I don’t feel the darkness in me anymore. I don’t have negative thoughts about him anymore. And I don’t even want to mention his name further because I don’t want to his name alive anymore. He was definitely a lesson I needed because I truly learned so much about myself during this period of recovery. And I can safely said I became a better version of myself. So there was something good out of it.

So yes, because of my own experienced and now I see things much more clearly and differently, I finally understand why some people are bad. People don’t turn bad overnight. They are turning bad gradually as they accumulate more bad experiences. This is life. And now that I’m very conscious of my feelings/emotions/thinking, I’m able to control and suppress the darkness in me from rising again. I had put myself through several tests in the last few months and I passed with flying colors. I’m happy to know that I regain my old positive self.

I don’t wish him dead anymore, but I also can’t bring myself to wish him well because I don’t feel it in me to wish him well. Although I have managed to heal from my pain, hurt and heartbreak, doesn’t mean I want to wish him well. I haven’t forgotten his cruel and baseless accusation. It doesn’t consume my thinking and haunt me anymore, but I haven’t forgotten yet. And I don’t think I will forget because it was a deep and permanent scar.

As I had said before, if he could accused and created the story about his wife cheated on him in his emails. Click on the link to read it. (Peter Wittendorp’s Accused His Wife Cheated on Him) . Not only in emails, but also text messages, WhatsApp and in person too. Hence, I shouldn’t be shocked and surprised that he did that to me too. But it did hurt like hell. And a heartless, selfish and cold-hearted man like him will never cares who he hurts as long as his own ass is protected. Ok, I better stop before the demon in me is coming out again!!! hahahaha……

Goodnite world!

p.s. At least I have the guts to admit my truest feelings and thoughts openly. I’m not afraid to be judged because what people think of me is unimportant and irrelevant. I’m who I’m. And I don’t need people to like me. I just want to live my life as openly and honestly as possible. As I have always said, if I have done something bad or wrong I will admit. If I didn’t, I will protest until I go to my grave and the next life too!

Narcissist Mum

About 45mins ago, while having my dinner and reading on my iPad, a text popped up very unexpectedly and it was from my narcissist mum!! I was surprised to read her message as I haven’t spoken to her for minimum 6 years and I intend to keep it status quo. When I checked my phone, I saw a missed call from the same number as the text. She always changed her phone number hence every time she reached out I had to block her new number again. And this was what I did tonight when I saw her missed call and text.

She doesn’t write good English so the text she sent to me she must had gotten helps from someone. She asked me to forgive her for what happened between us 6 years ago. Well, she chose $$$ over me 6 years ago and had agreed to terminate our mother-daughter relationship so she can’t take back her words now. I have forgiven her, but I don’t want her back into my life. Bottomline I don’t want to have anything to do with her irregardless if it is a matter of life or death!! I have already written her off from my life and I have accepted the fact that I will never speak to her again, which is very fine by me.

Her existence is irrelevant to me anymore. I gave her so  many chances and yet she never changed. There is a limit to how many chances a person should get irregardless who they are in your life, even if they are your parents. At this stage of my life, I want to avoid conflicts and dramas as I want to have a stress free and a peace of mind. She is a narcissist because everything is about her. She is destructive to anyone who is good to her.

It is her pattern to reach out to me during holiday seasons or Chinese New Year as she hopes I will allow her back into my life like I used to do so. She still thinks a simple sorry is all it takes for me to welcome back into my life. She doesn’t understand or maybe she doesn’t wants to accept the fact that this time I’m dead serious when I told her I will severe our mother-daughter relationship. I have forgiven her, but I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. She is just a stranger to me. I don’t give a rat shit if she is dead or alive. Basically, I don’t want to hear from her and more importantly, I don’t want to have anything to do with her. Period!!

I told my brother and he agreed with me that the reason she reached out is most likely she needs cash again. I think my brother still gives her money occasionally and that’s all the extent of their relationship. He doesn’t talks to her anymore too. She will call my brother’s PA if she needs anything from my brother. I felt sorry and sad for her that she lost her kids over money. But it was her choice, so she can’t turn back now and hope everything will be good again and that we will take care of her. I won’t take care of her and nothing anyone says will change my mind because I won’t change my mind. You can say I’m heartless and cold-hearted, which I don’t give a damn.

I wouldn’t be heartless and cold-hearted towards her if she didn’t treat me badly. I thought I might be a bit sad or upset writing this post, but I didn’t feel any of the negatives feeling so all is good. Anyway, is my choice to severe our relationship and I will not regret it at all.

Enough about my narcissist mum!

Pre-owned Chanel bags

I’m beginning to enjoy shopping for pre-loved Chanel bags, not because I can’t afford a brand new one, but because I can find some vintage items and also some gems at a good price. There are owners who bought on impulse and never use the bag they bought before and willing to sell at a good price which is much below buying it in a Chanel boutique. I used to dislike owning a pre-owned Chanel bag, but I changed my mind after I found a new vintage bag that I love and bought. And while searching for good pieces, I also realised that sometimes the bags that are pre-owned are in very good condition. It is almost brand new and occasionally an used piece going for 30-50% cheaper than the boutique. All of these pre-owned bags come with authenticity card and dust bag so I feel safe buying it.

Usually I shop at Closet (which is owned by reebonz), a place for individual sellers and buyers to sell their branded items. It will be checked and certified by Reebonz the condition and authenticity of the bag before they deliver to me. Hence super confident it is definitely authentic.

I used to think that buying a branded bag or a luxury watch that someone used to own was embarrassing and shameful (lack of self-worth when I was younger). But when I realised that there are a few of the bags I own I don’t use it anymore and keeping it is taking up storage space, I started to think differently. I began looking into selling my old bags at a discounted price and use the cash to buy another design that I like and will use. This way, I don’t need to keep finding storage space for my bags and I don’t need to worry that the leather will turns mouldy and etc. And I can get some cash back too. And some other women get to enjoy my pre-owned Chanel bags that I no longer get any enjoyment out of it. So win-win for everyone.

As I become more comfortable in my own skin and knowing who I’m deep down, I stop caring about what people think of me. Instead I focus on what makes me happy. Owning a pre-owned Chanel bags isn’t shameful and embarrassing. It doesn’t means I can’t afford a brand new one from the Chanel boutique. I still shop and buy from the boutique if I come across a design I like very much. But unfortunately, lately I don’t see any designs I like. I don’t like Boy Chanel or Gabrielle hence not much options for me to choose. I prefer Chanel tote design because I want functionality. Meaning I can use the same bag when I travel. I usually like to carry my iPad or a book or both when I travel overseas so I need a tote bag because I can put everything into my handbag. And Chanel doesn’t produce to many choices for tote designs hence this is also part of the reason why I resorter to shopping pre-owned. Even then it was still quite hard to find a nice bag that I like.

Anyway, bottomline is I don’t mind pre-owned Chanel bags and even luxury watches as long as it is authentic and at a much discounter price from the new one. No one will knows I’m carrying or wearing a pre-owned if I don’t tell them. And even if they know, I’m cool as it is smart shopping. Haha.

I guess as I aged I become wiser and smarter. And definitely don’t care about what people think of me anymore. It is true I don’t give a fuck anymore because I realised I live for myself and no one else hence I don’t need other people’s approval of my actions. Oh well, for those of you who have doubt about buying pre-owned, try it. You might find a few gems 😁😁😁!! Happy hunting!

 

2 hours indoor rock climbing private lessons

I have decided to renew another 10 private sessions of indoor rock climbing and this time I will sign up for 2 hours session per class. It will starts next Wednesday. I’m falling in love with this sport. And I bought a pair of shoes so that I don’t need to rent anymore. I decided to sign up for the 2 hours session because I want to build up my endurance and stamina quicker. I’m still a novice climber after 8 sessions of 1 hour lesson because I don’t practice after my lessons. I should and I want to, but practicing alone is very boring. I don’t have friends who share my hobby at all.  Therefore I have decided to take a 2 hours session instead.

Sometimes I was pissed off with my instructor because she would never let me come down even though I exhausted myself and couldn’t climb up anymore. She kept pushing me and encouraging me to complete the route. Which frustrated me sometimes when I couldn’t complete the climb. I couldn’t complete because I was scared to let go and grab the next hold. I was scared that my face would hit the wall. It might happen, but very minimal chance. Bottomline I was scared to let go. It was a mental barrier than a physical inability although physically I’m weak too. But the actual truth is I was scared to let go and I’m working hard to overcome this state of fear. And to be honest, I’m grateful to my instructor, Ana, for pushing me to complete and never gives up.

I never give up so easily in business, so I shouldn’t give up too easily in rock climbing too. It might take me awhile to overcome my fear, but I will conquer it. I need to learn fast and work harder so that I can tone up quicker too. Haha. Actually, I need to lose some belly fat that I accumulated over the last few months due to eating and my laziness to exercise 😆😆😆!

I will know how I fair next week once I start my 2 hours session class. Hehe. Will share more then. Cheers for now….Happy weekend!