My happy and laughing self

It had been awhile since I last had fun chatting with someone. Finally my witty sense of humour is back in full force and I could feel my hearty and happy laughter are back too. No, I don’t have any romantic feeling with the man I’m chatting with. I just enjoyed his dry sense of humour, his interest in luxury watches and his ability to switch topics with ease. With some people, conversation just flows easily and with others conversation doesn’t. Is easy to talk to him and he made me laughed. Haha.

It had been awhile since I laughed gaily. There is no hidden agenda with him as we don’t want anything from each other except casual chatting about work, life and everything we fancy. We are working on a project together. He is the architect for the development I’m going to market and sell in the near future so we have to communicate a fair bit about work and that was how we started our chatting.

Finally after 2 years I’m able to really let go, move on and regain my old happy self that were always laughing. I’m definitely wiser, calmer and in control of my emotions now 😊😊😊🤪🤪! Just 30 mins ago I did a test by googling Him. Saw his pictures and also blog posts written by me about him and I didn’t feel anything except maybe a quick flashed back of a few snippets of old times. Other than that, the feeling was like I know him, but yet I don’t know him!! We were once so close that I felt we knew and understand each other deeply, but now we are back to strangers. At this very moment, I missed him, the laughter we shared, the silly jokes/banters that only we both understood, his teasing, his kisses and his loved. I believe now that he did loved me albeit a short loved. I missed having him in my life at this very moment I’m writing this. But at the same time I know the feeling is short-lived because I can’t forget how he badly he treated me too. As I’m writing my next word, the feeling of missing him passes by. It is this short-lived!!

But the most important thing for me is I’m able to laugh gaily again and acting silly 🤪🤪And I’m happy. I’m working hard to achieve my goals and I know I will. So I’m going to say Goodbye My Loved!!

 

 

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Unwanted attention!!

Recently, I received unwatered and unsolicited attention from a client. My business partner & I found an office for his company and we were invited to his company and office grand opening. I went with my colleagues and that was the 1st time I met the founder/owner of the company. In the past we dealt with his staffs hence we met him for the 1st time during the event. He came over to introduce himself and I recognised his name because his staffs mentioned it before so I know he is the owner/founder of the company.

I introduced myself and chatted with him for a few minutes, mainly about his new office space, did he likes it and etc. My colleagues were all there with me too. He offered his name card and I did the same too as a business courtesy. He excused himself as more guests arrived and we parted way. I thought that would be the last I heard from him until I received a thank you message from him at night. Although I found it weird and surprised that he would send a thank you message to me, I thought he was just being polite and professional. I replied and thanked him for the business opportunity and innocently told him to catch up for coffee when he comes to KL the next time. Again, to me is basic manner and courtesy which I never thought he would follow through.

In the following days, I received videos and gifs from him almost on a daily basis. And I began to feel weird but then again I let it slide and I didn’t bother to reply to him at all. In fact, I didn’t even watch those videos he sent to me at all. Not interested and couldn’t be bothered. Then about 1.5 weeks ago, he WhatsApp me to let me know he was coming to KL the following week (which was last week) and would like to catch up. I felt uneasy, but because I was the one who implanted the idea to him 1st, I felt I had to at least honour my word for 1 time so I agreed to meet him on last Thursday. I thought it was going to be afternoon coffee, but no, he suggested 8ish drinking session. Red flags!

I didn’t want to drink with him so late at night because I didn’t think it was appropriate so I told him I had an early important meeting (which was true) the next day hence it would be an early night and maximum 2 glasses of wine for me only. He was reluctant to agree and I told him if that was the case then we should postpone the meeting until his next trip. He said no and agreed to my terms.

By this stage, my 6th sense was in full force and a little voice inside me was telling me that his agenda was personally related and not professionally. I seriously wanted to cancel the meet up session, but I always honour my words so I told myself just get it over with. And thank god it lasted less than 2 hours because he had a conference call with his team so he had to return to his room to work. Phew!!

But I was already in a self-defence mode because on the way to the club floor in MO, while we were walking to the lift he mentioned he needed to go back to his suite for awhile to make a phone call. Red flags sign everywhere. I was thinking to tell him off or played it cool to see what he was up to. I figured I should be able to defend myself should he made unwanted moves at me. I was thinking to myself that he wouldn’t make any unwanted moves toward me because after all he is the founder/owner of a public listed company in US. So I went to his room and stayed looking out the window as I didn’t want to look at him and gave him any wrong signals. To be honest, I felt slightly worried that I needed to defend myself against him. Thank god he was prim and proper.

He made the call, but he said no one picked it up so we left the room to go to the Club Floor. Had 1 drink and then he called it a night before 8pm. I was so happy and relieved that it was over so early because I really don’t want to spend time with him unless he doesn’t has a hidden personal agenda. Actually it wasn’t hidden. He outright told me he wants to get to know me better via WhatsApp.

I didn’t reply to him except to say goodbye and a courteous thank you. Seriously and honestly, I really don’t want any attention from him. He is married and I don’t want to have anything to do with married men!! And even if he isn’t married or taken, he is still not my cup of tea because he is shorter than me and an Indian. I don’t mind being a friend with him as he is worldly and I might be able to learn a few things from him and that are the maximum extend I’m willing to go. Shit, I hate it when a client hit on me because then I need to juggle and manage the attention carefully. I don’t want to make him feel embarrass because I never know what other future business he might has for me,  but yet I don’t want to give him any wrong idea that I’m interested in him because I DON’T. Is a delicate balancing act and I hate to be put in such a precarious position!!

People always think I like and enjoy attention. I did when I was younger, but not anymore. Now I only want attention from men I like only and also they must be single!! No more married men for me! Therefore, I hate attention from married men and yet I always got it. I don’t understand why???

Anyway, I will tell him nicely that I don’t mind us being friend and nothing more. I don’t want to keep finding excuses to avoid him. So if he makes or says anything that hint on personal relationship, I will tell him off nicely and suggest we just stay friend. If he agrees that will be good. If he doesn’t, then I will not entertain him further. I’m an adult and I know how to defence myself and handle it properly. Is just that I really hate this type of unwanted and unsolicited attention! Like it or not it is already happening so I just need to focus on how to handle him only. Oh well, at least is good to know I’m still able to attracts attention from successful businessmen. Haha. Just kidding.

That’s all for this post. Will update soon.

 

Stop asking….

For almost 2.5 years I have stopped asking people what they think of me or what is the 1 word they will use to describe me simply because I truly don’t care what they think of my anymore. In the past, even though I said I don’t care but my action spoke otherwise because I was asking people what they thought of me using the excuse that I wanted to know to further improved myself. But the truth was, I wanted to know to feel good and to fish for compliments. Haha. Guilty as charged.

So if I truly don’t care, then I shouldn’t even bother to ask because what they think of me is irrelevant! Hence I have stopped asking. And even if people would to tell me what they think of me without my asking, I will just let it pass. Sometime I agreed with them, sometime I just laughed it off especially if I didn’t want them to read me. Haha. I like to be unpredictable, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have patterns and habits. Just that someone need to pay close attention in order to figure out my patterns and habits. Because I’m constantly evolving so to read my patterns and habits might take longer time compare to other people and you must know me well enough to figure it out. I don’t hide it, but as I evolve my patterns and habits might also go through changes to reflect the updated version of myself 😀😀.

If people tell you they don’t care what other people think of them but still ask you what you think of them, it means only 1 thing ……THEY CARE BUT THEY DON’T WANT TO ADMIT!! You can’t be your true self if you continue to ask what people think of you because all of us have the tendency of wanting to please people to make them like or love us more. Hence you can never be your true self unless you stop asking and learn to believe in yourself entirely.

When you stop caring about what people think of you, you will begin to live the life you want and be yourself because you are no longer being held back by other people views of you. Always remember that people will always have things to say about you, good or bad so you can’t please everyone hence you might as well choose to please yourself.

And I’m proud to say I have successfully do that – stop asking because I truly don’t care!! I feel liberated because I can speak my mind even more freely than I used to do so. Haha. Seriously, if you really don’t care, then don’t ask. Try doing it and I guarantee you that you will feel liberated too like me. Now not only I can proudly and loudly say I don’t care what people think of me, but my actions also match my statement because I stop pleasing people or saying Yes. Instead I said No without explaining myself unless it is necessary. And I stop using the word “sorry” unless I really want to apologise. Of course there were people who think I’m selfish and rude, but I don’t care because I know I’m not selfish or rude. If I have cared I would do everything to change the way they think of me. I did that in the past, but I have stopped doing it since 2,5 years ago.

When I stopped caring about what people think of me, the need to please people stopped too. And you are free to pursue and live the life you want. Simple as that. Try it if you don’t believe me, but you must really have the willpower to stop asking what people think of you. You have to break the habit of wanting to know because if you don’t you will forever be subjecting yourself to pleasing people.

Anyway, what’s important to me now is I truly don’t care about what people think of me. It changed and helped  to shape me into Version 4.0 Serena. 🤪🤪🤪

Goodnite world!

Reading people….

I haven’t done the above for a very long time. And today someone asked me what are my reading of him?? Lol…..I told him I don’t read people anymore because people usually put on a mask or multiple masks to hide their true self. They only project the side of them they want the world to see. Most people dare not project their true self because they feel the need to conform and seek approval from society. Rather than reading people, I prefer to rely on my gut feel to guide me when I’m interacting and dealing with a person. I feel that my gut feelings are pretty accurate if I couple it with my observation of their patterns. Patterns don’t lie. Habits don’t lie. Words and expressions can be faked, but patterns and habits couldn’t. So instead of listening to words and expressions, observe patterns and habits. Chances of reading a person wrong is substantially reduced. At least for me.

Observing patterns and habits still constitute as reading, but is a deeper kind of reading especially when it is coupled with guts feeling. If my guts feel is sending me a negative signal then I will listen to my guts than the words I hear or the expressions I see because all can be faked if that person is a good actor. I experienced it with HIM and now I choose my guts feeling and not ignore it at all.

Also, when people communicate via text messaging they will be more open than when they are in person because people always feel safer to let down their guard when they know no one is watching them. Is not hard to read people if you really observe their habits and patterns when they are interacting in a group (both professionally and personally) and when they are interacting on 1-1 basis and who they are interacting with.

Anyway I stopped doing it because HE didn’t like me reading him, but reading people is something I do naturally and automatically. Is part of my DNA. Is just that I don’t share with people what I think of them unless they ask me and even then I might still choose not to disclose my reading if I want to use it to my advantage and also I don’t want to scare them because my reading of people is highly accurate.

For instance, the guy who asked me what was my reading of him….I told him and he said he gave me a 9/10 score. And mind you, I barely know him except for business meetings and I only met him probably less than 5 times and we don’t chat much until the last 2 days. So to score 9/10 is really high. And my gut feel is telling me he was telling the truth as there is no reason for him to lie about the scoring.

Oh well, whatever the scoring I just did it for fun. Haha. True or not doesn’t concern me as it won’t affect my life. Is just good to know that I’m not rusty at all. If anything, I might have honed my reading ability 🤪🤪🤪. Haha.

p.s. Before he gave me the score, he actually said WTF when he read my reading about him!!! 🤣🤣. I could imagine his shocked and surprised expression. I might tease this guy when I see him next time. LOL!!

Any regrets???

I haven’t ask myself this question for awhile until tonight when it crossed my mind to ask someone and I decided to answer this question myself. And my honest answer is NO. I don’t have any regret to date. Initially I thought my experienced 2 years ago with HIM would be something I would regret, but now that I have time to reflect, process and understand my feelings I don’t regret knowing and falling in love with him. I don’t regret the heartache and pain I went through because I have learned a lot about myself from that particular experienced and it helps me to grow into a better version of myself. Without that experienced with HIM, I might not have a breakthrough with a deeper understanding of myself, the type of person I want to be and how I want to live my life. Without that experienced I might not understand what it felt like to have my heartbroken by the man I truly loved. He was the 1st man I truly loved. I realised now that I never loved my any men except HIM.

I did wish I handled the situation better, but I made many mistakes and I couldn’t turn back the clock to undo my mistakes so what I can do is to accept, admit and learn from my mistakes so that I don’t repeat it again in the future. I did think of seeking his forgiveness, but I know he doesn’t wants to hear from me anymore. I did apologise, but I didn’t ask him to forgive me because I know it is pointless as his answer will be a resounding NO. I like to think that I don’t know him well, but to a certain extend I do know and understand him therefore I know with 100% certainty that forgiving me is never in his lists at all. So I have decided to move on.

I promise myself that I will never allow myself to have any regrets in life and I’m lucky and bless that until today I’m still able to keep this record. To me, if I managed to learn from my experienced than it shouldn’t be considered as a regret. Feeling regretful doesn’t help in anything as the past is the past. And if we keep feeling regretful, we will be paralysed by the thought and unable to move on and live life to the fullest. The only way to stop the feeling of regret is to turn the negative into positive and make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes.

I appreciate and accepted who I was, who I’m now and I work toward the type of person I want to be in the future. I acknowledge and embrace my strengths and flaws without shame. The past is a lesson, the present is to learn and grow and the future is being our TRUE SELF!

p.s. He crossed my mind a few days ago and there was a short moment that I missed him. I wished he was still in my life, but I’m not regretting that he isn’t because he was in my life to teach me a lesson about myself. That was the most important for me – I have a deeper understanding of myself! That was his gift to me although I didn’t see it earlier, but I do now. Having regrets are part of life, but we have the power to turn it into something positive. I wish all of you living a life with no regrets because regrets will cripple you. Remember that!

 

 

Exercise

I have been learning rock climbing for a few months now and I’m really enjoying the sport. I have made some improvements, but still a long way to go before I will become good. My performance wasn’t consistent. Sometime I could climbed very well, but sometime I would struggled even with the easiest route, especially when my mind was preoccupied with other thoughts. But overall, I’m improving. But techniques wise still lacking 😛😛.

I love bouldering too as I feel that I have better control of my movements and it can also helps me to build my strength and improve my movements. I’m still practicing once a week for 2 hours, but I’m planning to go more often starting next week to practice bouldering. It will helps to tone my butts and legs. Haha.

There is a particular section of the rock climbing routes that I try to avoid climbing because halfway up the route I would experienced panic attack and I wouldn’t be able to continue to climb. The height isn’t the problem, but rather the void next to it. Every time I looked at the void, I became paralysed. My hands and legs would just shook violently until my coach who was about 15 feet down on the ground belaying me could see it. It happened to me last week when I tried to climb the new route on that section. I really want to overcome the phobia, but it isn’t easy. I feel like my life is out of my control and if I fall, I will pull my coach together. I didn’t have this phobia when I first started climbing this section. I actually managed to climb 2 times without issue and then without notice it just hit me – the fear, the phobia. I will try my damn best to overcome it.

Climbing allows me to understand myself and my body better. I find that after practicing rock climbing, I have become more accepting of my environment and surrounding. The sense of accomplishment when I successfully completed each climb was really good and it makes me want to keep challenging myself. I really love and enjoy this sport.

But the downside of it is I can’t paint my nails because the the nail polish on my fingers will chip when I have to grip the jugs. So I haven’t paint my nails for a few months, but tonight I have decided to paint it. I feel so unladylike after learning rock climbing. Haha.

Aside from indoor rock climbing, I’m also into pilate reformer. So far, it is helping me to realign my body and creating length and space between my muscles to minimise the tension and stiffness I’m feeling constantly. My lower back pain is getting worst and I’m hoping that regular pilate reformer session will helps me to lengthen my spine and release the compression.

As I get older, staying healthy and in good shape are my priorities. I have put on some weight and I really want to get rid of it. I don’t want to become a fat aunty!! Hahaha. Anyway, spending a lot of money on exercise and is ok as it makes me feel good and happy.

 

Blank out increasing

Lately, I noticed I’m experiencing more blank out moments during conversation. Sometime I forgot a word I wanted to say to describe a situation or I forgot the thing I wanted to say just a moment ago. For example, on Friday morning I wanted to say “flood the market”, but I couldn’t remember the word “flood”. I said “flux” for 2-3x although I knew it was a wrong word. But the correct word “flood” didn’t register in my mind at all so I dropped it until my colleague mentioned the word. Another recent incident was during my meeting with a Tan Sri. I wanted to explain further why it is hard to recruit, but instead I repeated the same statement I said just a few seconds ago. At that moment I just blanked out and I was trying to search my mind to recall what was the thing I wanted to say, but I forgot. It was annoying and slightly worrisome too as I had never experienced blank out before.

The only good thing is I don’t blank out when it is about work. I can remember all the important details that were discussed, things I have to do, follow-up and etc. So thank god it isn’t affecting my work, but it isn’t a good sign that I’m experiencing frequent blanked out. I’m slightly worry to be honest. I will monitor my situation and if the frequency increases further I will go to see a doctor to do a check-up. Maybe it is just because I have too many things going through my mind at the same time hence the blanked out episodes.

I pray that my blank out moments are just temporary and it will not get worse. My next 3 years are critical period for me as it will be the golden period for me to build a stable and secure financial nest that will lasts me to my old age. So for the next 3 years I’m going to bust my ass and work hard to make money!