Bali 22-26 Feb 2018

Yippee….finally I get to take the long overdue break to Bali. It was supposed to be in Dec 2017, but because of the volcanic eruption I had to cancel my holiday and changed it to February 2018. Can’t wait to get myself a nice chocolaty tan. I haven’t got a nice tan for awhile and this trip I’m going to make sure I get a nice chocolaty tan although the process of getting a nice and evenly tan can be tiresome and a lot of work. And the post tanning is another headache especially when the skin starts to peel due to excessive dryness. It will takes me at least 3-4 weeks to fully get rid of the peeling. Tanning is a tedious process. Hence I don’t do it often because I’m lazy most of the time. But this time I want to get a nice chocolaty tan as I will look more sporty and healthy too compare to my current fair skin.

I love Bali and usually I prefer to stay in W Bali. I plan to soak in as much sun as my body can take it, enjoy the sea, wind, blue sky, white fluffy clouds, cocktails and my books as much as possible. I also intend to get myself a few massages and a nice body scrub too. I plan to shutdown so I hope my clients won’t text me during this period as I really don’t want to reply messages that are work related. I want to focus on recharging myself and introspect my life as I need to chart my life direction. I have to stay focus and make sure that I can semi-retired by 2021 and go back to school for my MBA. Hence I need to earn substantial amount of money in the next 3 years and I don’t have time to waste.

I seriously want to move away from Malaysia and start anew again chasing different Β goals. I want to take a chance in relationship again and fall in love and I know for a fact if I don’t get out of Malaysia I won’t be able to meet my Mr Right.

I really need to clear my head and recharge myself again hence this break will be good for me. I’m not running away from anything or anyone, just taking a break to rejuvenate, recharge and rethink how to achieve my goals and dreams.

Oh ya, I booked myself a business class ticket although it is only a 3 hours flight. It was around RM1.2k for return so fairly cheap. Hehe. I will always pamper myself if I can afford it. Oh well, another 3 more sleeps to go and I will be in Bali. Yay!!

I will share if I have any interesting stories to tell during my stay in Bali. Till then….

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Sick

Feeling shitty now. Migraine, short of breath, cough and slight flu. I thought I was getting better from my cough and flu which started about 1 month ago, but last night my cough turned severe again. And now I’m feeling very tired and drowsy. Head feeling like want to explode and literally no energy to do anything. Just want to shutdown. Sigh.

No, I haven’t go to see a doctor as I’m trying to let my body heal itself, but so far it ain’t doing the job. I’m actually very tired now and I don’t even know why. Ok….going to stop here.

Weird dream

Yesterday I had a weird dream. Weird because of several reasons – 1) I dreamt about ‘Him’ and 2) the content of the dream and 3) his look in the dream.

It was a surprised to me that I dreamt of ‘Him’ as it rarely happened. If my memory didn’t fail me, this was the 2nd time, but it could be the 1st time too. Irregardless, I rarely dreamt of him. And last night the dream was super weird because in my dream he had a moustache and he was wearing a wig over his bald head. At first, I couldn’t recognised him at all until he told me it was him and I called his mobile number to confirm it was him.

I couldn’t remember the full details of my dream. Maybe 50% of it only. I remember we talked, but I couldn’t remember what we talked about except it was a cordial conversation we had and a long one too. I remember I asked him why did he reached out, but I couldn’t remember what was his answer. I usually don’t write down my dream, but this one was way too weird for me to ignore. And to add to the weirdness, someone from SG googled his name and was directed to my blog post. I find it weird because it had been a while since I saw his name appeared in the search terms in my blog (refer to picture). This wasn’t the 1st time, but the coincidence was just too hard to ignore especially when posts related to him hadn’t appeared for a few days already. Sometimes his name appeared very frequently under the search terms and sometimes not for a long period. I have to admit I’m really curious to know who were those people googling him specifically and why?

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I read a few articles on “Dreaming about an Ex” and 1 of the reason mentioned why an ex appeared in the dream is because the dreamer is seeking a proper closure and I have to admit that I’m. I want a proper closure and clear the air on any misunderstandings and accusation between us. I don’t want any ill feeling between us. After all, we had liked each other for 10 years. The feeling was genuine, at least on my part. I did hurt him too with my actions and words hence I should apologise, but I will only do it if he does it too as he owes me an apology.

Anyway, I honestly need a proper closure and to clear my name or else I will always feel the injustice. Oh ya, after I took the snapshot of the above, there were a further searched of his name from Singapore. This time even weirder as it never happened before because under the search term you can see “Peter Wittendorp girlfriend”, which brought them to my blog again. First time I saw this search term and it made me very curious to know who and why, which of course I will never find out.

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Oh well, a weird dream for sure.

Great CNY

This year Chinese New Year was a great one simply because my brother and my dad aren’t only talking, but also spending time playing mahjong. They were genuinely enjoying themselves!! I’m so so happy to witness this happy scene as it had been a long time since my brother and dad were on such a good talking term. In fact, they are still playing mahjong in my home. Started playing since 2.30pm yesterday and except for a 2 hours dinner break, it is almost a marathon 😳😳!! Crazy! But a happy scene for sure 😁😁😁!!

Dad won about RM500 and treated us to Japanese dinner. Not sure if he is winning now or not as they are still playing mahjong. I’m a bit tired, but unable to go to sleep because they are noisy. I need total quietness because I’m a light sleeper.

Anyway, I’m very very happy because I had been trying for many years to get my brother and dad talking happily again. And finally I succeed in doing so. Yippee!

p.s. My dad won another few hundred RM as well during the 2nd session. But my dad most happy not because of the winning. He was very happy because my brother was on good speaking term with him. I’m happy seeing them talking and laughing happily πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Forgetfulness

My forgetfulness is getting bad. For instance, I couldn’t remember how many times had I took the cough pills. I’m supposed to take it 3x a day, and I’m not sure if I have taken the 3rd round or haven’t today. And yesterday afternoon, I mentioned my birthday wrongly to my gf when she asked me. I told her it was Dec 8 instead of 12 August. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My forgetfulness only apply to my personal life. If it is work related, I can remember very clearly what I had said, what I have to do and etc so long it is work related. But when it is personal, my forgetfulness kicks in more often and frequent. Sometimes I even forgot when I washed my hair. I wash my hair on every alternate day so it shouldn’t be hard to remember, but it happened to me a few times.

There are things and people in my life I wish to forget, but unfortunately I still remember a lot of it especially about ‘Him’. Honest truth is I’m still feeling the pain and hurt by his accusation. It is really hard to erase the hurt and pain when I had been wrongly accused and I wasn’t given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. It affected me greatly because I’m innocent. I will never be able to forget unless he retracts his accusation because then only justice is restored to me. I just want justice back to me. That’s all. But I also know for sure he won’t give it to me because he will never wants to admit that he wronged me!!!

Anyway, I will ty my best to forget, but it won’t be easy. I just want justice. Life is funny. Memories I want desperately to forget I can’t. Why of why??

The word ‘Promise’

I used to use the word promise a lot up until Feb 2016 before the incident. I also heard a lot of it from ‘Him’, but he never kept any single promise he made. And because of ‘Him’ and what happened, I have stopped using the word ‘Promise’ nor do I ask it from anyone. What’s the use of promising something if the person making it keep breaking it or has no intention to keep it. I usually keep my promise, but I realised not everyone is like me. In fact, majority don’t keep the promised they made to another person. They prefer to lose credibility than to honour their words and keeping the promise.

‘Him’ was a promise breaker and it upset and pissed me off everytime he said he promised, but at the end he just broke his promise and turned around to make me feel bad for chastising him for breaking his promise so that I would shut up. His words and promises meant shit. He bankrupted his credibility. He even admitted to me that he didn’t care if I trusted him or not because he said he did his best. I realised the red flags, but chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe him.

Anyway, nowadays I don’t offer a promise at all to anyone because I don’t want to feel like a fool again for being the only one who keep my words and promises. Like I mentioned before, after 2016, I have changed. A lot of things and people that I were tolerant before, but now not anymore. I really don’t want to feel like a fool again. I’m prepared to lose friends than feeling like a fool again. Yes, losing friends is very painful and sad for me, but if it has to happen, it has to happen.

Never ever make a promise if you don’t intend to keep your promise because it is cruel to make the other person thinks you are going to do what you have promised, but only to turn around that you intentionally and knowingly choose not to keep your promise. So if you want to make a promise, make sure you keep your promise.

16.2.18 – 1st day of CNY

First day of Chinese New Year. 2018 is the Year of Dog. I’m not sure what is in store for me in terms of luck, finance, romance, health and happiness. Some feng shui master said this is a good year for rabbit, but some said it is not so great year. Not sure which one to trust. Not that I believe in feng shui, but don’t mind knowing that it is a good year for me. But because I’m hearing different predictions, I give up in trying to find out which is true and which isn’t. I choose to believe in myself and create my own luck.

When I was a kid, I looked forward to CNY because I would get a lot of angpows (red packet with money) from the married adults and elderly. I always looked forward to the amount of money my dad would give me inside the angpow. I think there was a year my dad gave me RM1000 when I was in my late teens and I was ecstatic when I opened it and saw the money. I usually only opened up the angpows on the last day of CNY, which is on the 15th day. Sometime it was a bumper year and sometime it wasn’t. Haha.

As I got older and especially after my grandma passed away, CNY isn’t fun for me anymore. We don’t celebrate reunion dinner with my aunts, uncles and cousins anymore. When grandma was still alive, everyone of us had to go back home to have dinner with her and it was always very merry. After dinner, they would gamble and I would bet too. But now, we just celebrated by ourselves without my aunts and uncles and cousins. We just don’t stay in touch with our relatives anymore and it is just sad. But then it is unavoidable. Grandma was the glue, but after she was gone the family began to unglue. Is sad, but is life as well.

But I’m happy that my dad and brother are talking and joking again. And in the morning my dad, stepmom and my 2 half sister will be coming over to my house, which they have been doing every year. My stepmom will cook for us. Usually, we eat very simple. When grandma was around, there were certain dishes that needed to be ate on the 1st day of CNY. And for reunion dinner too. But now we just went out for dinner at a restaurant as it was more convenient. Usually the reunion dinner is on the night before the 1st day of CNY, but for us we had it on 14th Feb 2018 because 15th Feb was fully booked.

Hence we celebrated Valentine’s Day and Reunion Dinner on the same night. We went to Noble Mansion in Jaya 33, PJ for dinner and it was a good dinner with good food and it was filled with laughter. I was really happy to see my dad and brother joking with each other. They had been feuding for a few years due to an issue, but now it was over. I’m really happy that they are talking again 😁😁😁. It was definitely a very good reunion dinner + valentine’s too.

For me, CNY has lost its meaning. It is just another celebration. But nevertheless, I still embrace it. Just not as excited about it as when I was a kid. Haha