A little bit about “Me”

November is a slow month. No meetings schedule till next week. Been sitting at home waiting for decisions from Developers. Really bored. So today decided to have a late lunch at LeBar Sofitel KL as I want to get out of the house. Been holed up in the house for the entire week except went out for groceries shopping. Ordered food delivery hence didn’t need to go out for food too. Hahaha.

I literally sat at home and played game to prevent my brain from thinking too much. I’m also trying not to do to many soul searching thinking as I did a lot of that in the past 1.5 years and I’m sure I know myself much more deeply now. I don’t want to plan too far ahead as I don’t know what is around the corner waiting for me. There are things I want to achieve in life and I’m working very hard to achieve my goals. Basically, I need to rebuild my financial nest. Once my financial is back to a stable and healthy level I will be able to embark on my colourful life journey again. I have to temporary slow it down because I have a fair bit of financial obligations that I need to fulfill and without a steady flow or a large chunk of income stream going into my bank account, I can’t freely embark on my colourful life journey. Is kinda frustrating sometimes as I can’t go out and do what I want to, but I have to be patient because I put myself in this predicament by investing too much properties when the market was booming and now I’m stuck with properties that I can’t sell yet and took too long to rent it out. So it burnt a hole in my bank account. Plus a huge chunk of my cash is stuck in stock market as I can’t sell the shares I bought at the peak because the prices are super low now. So have to wait for it to climb back to a healthy level before I cash out. And I hadn’t worked for almost 3 years and living on my savings so depleting my bank account further. And although I started working again last year, the salary I received was way too pathetic that it wasn’t even enough to cover my condo monthly instalment. I did closed a few deals, but only enough to help em to cover my living expenses. At least it helps to pay bills, but definitely not enough to allow me to indulge in the type of colourful life journey that I was used to. Temporary setback until I get my financial back on track.

So now what I have to do is work hard and work smart to build up my financial again. I have a strong feeling that 2018 will be a great year for me. Once my financial is back to a healthy level, I will relook into going back to university for my MBA in psychology. It has always been my wish to go back to graduate school for this subject. Human behaviour is an interesting subject for me to analyse and explore. I wished I took up psychology during my undergraduate rather than business management and marketing. Anyway, it isn’t too late for me to pursue this subject. At least now, I study for fun and not to get a job so the pressure is off to deliver good grades. Haha. Anyway, I was an alright student seeing that I rarely study except 1 week before the exam. My overall GPA was 3.5 so ain’t too bad. I would say I’m a street smart person more than book smart although I like to read a lot. Just not educational materials. Haha.

I’m a rebellious kid since I was young being the eldest not only in my family, but in the entire clan too. So I got pampered a lot even though I grew up in a broken family. My grandma (dad’s side) not only loved me a lot, but she pampered and spoiled me to the maximum. Although I had a few years of very sad and dark childhood, I still grew up alright because of my grandma. I loved her loads, but when I was younger I didn’t show her my love enough and definitely didn’t know how to appreciate her until much later in life which was already too late as she passed away almost 15 years. She didn’t get to see my success today. If she is still around today I’m sure she will be very proud of me. I miss her. I miss my grandma. Without her unwavering love and support I wouldn’t be who I’m today. I owe part of what I own today to my grandma. She didn’t only give me love, attention, but she also supported my financially when my dad was poor and couldn’t support me. And I don’t remember thanking my grandma properly. I think there were many moments that I found her annoying and irritating. I was very impatient with her as she got older and slower in her movements. I also didn’t spend enough time with her when she was alive. Now that I’m writing about my grandma, I’m feeling sad as I didn’t spend enough time with her before she passed away. And I didn’t say a proper thank you and goodbye to her. I think I will do it now.

“Ma Ma, thank you for your love, care and support for me when I was growing up. You were my anchors. Without you, I might not have achieved so much in life and be who I’m today. You will always be in my heart. And I’m sorry for not being a better granddaughter. I miss you a lot 😘😘. I hope you are happy where you are now. I’m sure you are in heaven. I love you always”

I’m feeling emotional now. And I’m sobbing while writing the above. I’m still sitting in LeBar in Sofitel and trying to hold back my tears. Haha.

I grew up in a broken family and had experienced 1st hand being neglected by my parents. My mum was because she had me when she was too young and just never grew up. My dad was because he had to work to support the family so always not around as he was a traveling salesman then. My dad still travels a lot now, but it doesn’t bothers me anymore as I’m a grown woman now. I never experienced growing up in a loving and intact family so it created a problem for me when I was growing up because I became insecure. I seek attention and associated to getting attention as getting love. Even until I was in my mid-30s’, I was still insecure and always wanting attention. I only managed to find inner peace and accepted myself 100% about 5 years ago. I’m still work in progress, but I’m in a better place now than I was 5 years ago and definitely better than I was last year after the bad experienced with Peter Wittendorp. That changed me even though I didn’t want to admit, but it did changed me. I’m not sure if my changes are good for me in the long-term yet as I’m still improving on myself. But for now, I like who I’m becoming into after the shitty experienced. I didn’t deserve what Peter Wittendorp did to me before, during and after.

Anyway, I will let bygone be bygone.

Oh well, I better stop here as I want to head home now……Happy Sunday everyone!!

 

 

 

 

 

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My today’s thoughts and feelings

I had a weird dream last night. Totally unexpected and kinda surreal. Surreal because it was so real, but yet in reality it will never happen. So what did I dreamt about? I dreamt I had a civilised and friendly tele-conversation with him. He rang me up out of the blue and we started talking like old times. I find it weird and surreal because I know for a fact it won’t happen in real life. And it isn’t something I wish for anymore. In the past, I would pray and wish that 1 day he will be a part of my life again, but not anymore. To say I don’t miss him is a lie. Occasionally I did think and miss him, but the thought and feel were flitting. 2 years coming and I have gotten myself and my life back on track and out of the emotional sinkhole.

If I’m honest with myself, I don’t despise him anymore. I used to, but not anymore. The need to seek the truth and prove my innocent are gone from m radar. I don’t despise him, but that doesn’t mean I will wish him well in his life. I won’t because I’m no longer as kind and caring as I used to be. That part of me is gone and I’m not sure if it will ever comes back. I clearly know who I’m now. I know what I want out of life and what I don’t. I own my feelings and emotions and acknowledge it openly. I don’t hide behind a mask nor am I afraid to show my true self to people. You can either choose to like me or you don’t. Either way is fine. I don’t need to make everyone likes me.

Anyway, coming back to my dream. I’m not sure why I dreamt of him and that we were on good terms. Maybe my subconscious mind was just reflecting what I truly wanted, but   my conscious mind will not admit it. Hahaha.

Just wanted to write down this weird dream and how I felt about it? That’s all…..

Death

2 of my friends parent passed away recently. My best friend, her mum passed away about 1.5 weeks ago and she flew all the way back from US to attend her funeral. Her relationship with her mum was estranged due to her bad childhood. She hadn’t spoken to her mum for a decade up to her passing and she attended her funeral to get the closing and move on in life. It was good for her to be able to make peace with her inner self and stop being angry with her mum as she used to. I’m wondering if I will attend my mum’s funeral when she passed away as I haven’t spoken to her for 6-7 years already. I don’t know until the day comes.

I’m not angry at my mum. I just don’t like to be sucked into her life which is full of dramas!! And I don’t want to be affected by her negatives energy. I don’t hate my mum honestly. She wasn’t a good mum, but not abusive. More like psychotic as she gave birth to me when she was in her late teens hence she didn’t know how to be a good parent and mother. She never grows up herself to be honest. She is still irresponsible and self-centered. But she is who she is. I did wished I had a good mother-daughter relationship when I was younger, but now not anymore. It is pointless to wish for the moon when I know I can’t get the moon no matter how hard I try so accepting the fact is a much better way to live my life. I definitely don’t love her because she doesn’t deserves it. I can’t love someone who never loves me. Fact of my life.

My business partner cum friend’s dad passed away over the weekend after a fall on thursday night, head injury, internal bleeding and coma. My partner was a very filial son to his dad. He never failed to take care of him when his dad was sicked and hospitalised. He took turned to take care of his dad with his elder’s brother. He complaint, but he did it willingly. He complaint out of frustrations as his dad was a stubborn man. His dad’s health wasn’t good this entire year as he was in and out of hospital so maybe it was a good thing that his dad didn’t need to suffer anymore. Sad, but death is inevitable. None of us will get out alive. Just a matter of when we are destined to die. We aren’t immortal hence why do we make our life so difficult and challenging for ourselves. Always remember that we are on borrowed time on this earth. Only 2 things are permanent – death and change.

I’m very close to my dad. I love my dad a lot although we don’t spend as much time as we used to now that my dad is always busy traveling for his business. But we still talk and try to catch up for dinner whenever we are available. My dad is 65 this year, but he doesn’t looks like his age. He is a hip and stylish manor his age. Haha. A flamboyant man who goes to gym 3 hours daily when he is in KL and travels around the world at least 60% of his time for business. He had been to more places than me. Is he a great dad? Yes and no. He did the best he could to provide a good and stable life and for that I will always be grateful to him. But he wasn’t involved in my life since I was a kid hence I grew up without both parents to guide me except my grandma (my dad’s mother). That was also the main reason why I’m so independent and tough now. Have I wished to grew up in a loving family., of course yes. But it never happened to me and it is too late already  to experience it now. I’m too old for that loving family shit. As I have always wrote, my life isn’t perfect and I ain’t perfect, but I have a life that I’m proud of and happy with. I’m self-reliant and self-sufficient. I don’t feel my life is incomplete just because I’m still single.

My dad also encourages me to stay single if I don’t meet a man who can be good to me. Haha. My dad is super open-minded and modern. I will definitely miss him if 1 day he isn’t around anymore. I will try to spend as much time with him as I can, but sometimes I’m really really lazy I have to admit. Haha. We travelled as a family in 2014 and I think I will want to travel with him again next year. I will make it an effort and I will make sure that he agrees to go with me too together with my step mum and 2 half younger sisters. My brother isn’t on good terms with my dad hence I don’t think he will wants to join me to travel with my dad.

Anyway, my wishes for my dad is he stays healthy and energetic as long as possible because I will be devastatingly sad if he isn’t around in my life anymore. I want my dad to be immortal if can. Haha. Yes, crazy thinking! Death isn’t scary once you have accepted the fact that is it inevitable.

 

 

The BITCH

Have you wished in your mind that someone you hate is dead?? I did and it was as recent as few days ago. It was my 1st time in my entire life that I wished the bitch is dead. I kept cursing her in my mind and repeating my wish of her death like a mantra. It was a very dark and evil thought to wish the death of another human being. No matter what the bitch had done to me, I still shouldn’t had wished for her death because it isn’t right. But I don’t want to lie, I did wish she is dead . I cursed her in my mind. I must hate this bitch to my core to wish for her death. What had she done to me that was so bad until I was wishing she is dead??? Hmmmmm…………I don’t want to upset myself by openly writing about this bitch.

It isn’t right to wish someone is dead and I’m openly admitting my dark thought because I choose to live my life openly and I don’t want to hide it. 1st step to living a carefree life is not to hide any aspects of my life be it good, bad, ugly or beautiful. I hate the bitch. That’s all I have to say about this bitch.

p.s. I wonder how many people dare to admit their darkest thought openly? I wonder how many people shared the same wish as me on someone they hate to the core??

 

Tinder experienced

I have been on Tinder for a couple of years now. I was told about this app by a good friend of mine. He was the one who downloaded this app and told me to check it out and I did our of curiosity. Yes, purely our of curiosity as I only use it when I’m super bored and even then I still don’t spend huge amount of time on this app. In fact, I stopped for a long period of time and even removed it from my phone. I added it back after my incident with him. Anyway, long story short, I still use this app occasionally, but not seriously.

Mixed experienced. Some good, some lousy and some downright shitty. Let me share my latest experienced, which happened yesterday with a recent match. He was a Lebanese plastic surgeon who is looking to set up his practice in KL. He already has existing practices in US, Dubai & Lebanon so KL is his next destination. Started off with usual questions and he asked if I use WhatsApp and I said I do. He asked if we could chat via WhatsApp and I said ok and gave him my number. So he sent me a message to say hi and we left it as it is. He lives in Florida so the time difference is night and day. Hence this morning I received a message from him asking me why he couldn’t see my profile picture? Guess what was my answer? I don’t think anyone will be able to guess correctly. Haha.

Well, I told him my profile pic can only be viewed by people who I have added into my contact lists and I don’t add people easily unless I have communicated with the person for a period of time and I want the person to be a part of my life. The new tinder match when ballistic when he read what I told him. His first replied was “You are a goat”. I replied “huh”. Then his next message was “Don’t contact me again”. The minute I saw that, I just blocked and reported him as spam on WhatsApp. Then I went to Tinder to un-match him!! I don’t plan to waste my time and energy on such type of man. Instead of asking me to find out why I have such a habit/practice and try to win my trust, he reacted as if like I owed it to him to add him into my contact lists. As if like he deserved my time and attention without working on it. Hmmm……nutcase.

And another one, today as well, been bugging me daily with hello and asked if I was busy? Daily same question!!! Can you believe it?? I feel pressured to reply so I told him maybe not to spend too much time chatting with me as I’m very focus on my career now and won’t have much time to chat or in the mood to chat all the time. Yes, I literally told him to butt off and he did. He unmatched me, which was what I expected.

Nowadays there aren’t many quality men left. They might have a good job and make good money, but their attitude sucks. Tinder is actually a good platform to do a study on men. There are many cheaters out there, which isn’t a surprise. There are also plenty of jerks out there who are looking for easy sex. There are some pleasant surprised such as men who work in MNC and hold high position who are single and looking for a Ms Right. But we didn’t click as the connection weren’t there. A few became friends and it lasted fairly long until I became tired of maintaining the friendship as they don’t live in KL. Chatting via WhatsApp can be really taxing and tiring unless it is with someone I really really like. Nowadays, I don’t like wasting too much of my time and put in energy and effort into things that don’t add value to my life. And I have no issue cutting people off if I don’t feel good around them including clients. Beside, those men on tinder are just faces that I have no way to verify. The handful of times I went out to meet them turned out to be 50-50 in experienced (meaning good and lousy).

I use Tinder when I’m super bored. Otherwise I couldn’t be bothered to waste my time. I read some successful stories of people meeting the right partner on Tinder, well, I would say those are the lucky fews. And I’m definitely not one of it at all. Haha. Which is ok? Is hard for me to trust a man and fall in love after the last experienced. I rather stay single and have fuck buddy then be in a permanent relationship. I already have feared of marriage and the last experienced with him just double up my fear and make me stop believing in marriage. Is a hoax. A charade put on by 2 people for the world to see and approve. Anyway, marriage isn’t in my agenda at all.

So not having a man in my life isn’t a big deal. Tinder is a good platform to meet a lot of different men and study them without having to worry about being taken advantage off. Haha. Anyway, for those who have found love on Tinder, congrats. For those who hasn’t, keep trying. And for those who hasn’t try, check it out for fun. Online dating isn’t frown upon anymore. Is a norm in today’s society. Good luck everyone. And do share if you have interesting tales about your experienced on Tinder.  Cheers.

 

Can we talk?

Deep down, I’m still unwilling to let him go from my mind. I thought I had, but I haven’t because I still want to talk to him 1 last time to clear the air over any misunderstandings we have. Because I still want to see his face again, at least for 1 last time. Because it still bothers me that he accused me baselessly. I retaliated as I want to get back at him for the way he treated me. Although I have forgiven myself for my foolishness and have managed to control my feelings and emotions, I still haven’t stop thinking about him. He still lives in my mind even though I know he will never wants to talk and see me again in this lifetime.

I foolishly hope that we will have a chance to clear the air face to face and bid a proper goodbye. I’m still a tad sad that he thinks so devilishly about me. He told me in his own words that it all started before I came into the picture so how could he accused me for what happened to him??? I wasn’t given a chance to defend myself against his accusation. He doesn’t knows and understands the pain and sadness his accusation has caused me!!! Until today, I still can’t forget his words and tone when he accused me. It was mean, cold and ugly!! It made me wanted to retaliate because (almost 2 years coming) I can still remember that day vividly!! I wanted to hurt him the way he hurts me. I wanted him to feel my pain, anguish and I wanted him to be shamed for his dastardly behaviour towards me. I wanted a revenge. I did!! That was the truth and I wouldn’t hide the fact that I thought about it.

The truth is I didn’t want a revenge. I just wanted to tell my side of the story. It is important for me to be able to tell the truth because my past was a part of my life journey. I don’t want to hide my story with him especially when I was an innocent victim in his grandiose of lying scheme and the truth is I still want to know why he had to lie to me?? Why?? I still want to know why he could be so mean, cold and heartless to me and accused me for things I didn’t do. It is really hard for me to just let go, forget and move on from the accusation because it doesn’t only hurts me deeply but also changed some parts of the core me!! I haven’t heard anyone in my entire life and I definitely didn’t deserve the accusation thrown at me by him. I want to see him again and thrash things out because I want to ask him what do I gain from doing what he accused me of doing??? He knows clearly all I ever wanted from him was to be with him, so why would I be so stupid to do something so devilish to lose him from my life???? Why?? I really wanted to ask him that question and many others. I wanted answers and I still want it now.

A part of me will always want to seek the answers and the truth until the day I die. It is what I want and probably the main reason why I’m still unable to stop thinking about him and sometimes replaying our past. No one can fully understands how I feel unless you have been wrongly accused too by the one you used to love and trust without a doubt. I had admired, respected and trusted him for 10 years. He was my ideal man! I already liked him on 1st sight and never stopped even when we lost contact a few times in the 10 years period. You wouldn’t be able to imagine my happiness when he 1st told me he loved me!! I never thought he would fell in love with me because I dare not hoped. But when he did, I was ecstatic and couldn’t believed it. I really couldn’t believed it, but it was the happiest day of my life. I really thought we had a chance to be together because of what he told me about his marriage via his emails, whatsapps and most importantly in person. I could felt his pain and sadness. That couldn’t be faked (at least I didn’t think it was possible back then), but boy I was wronged!!

I waited so long for him to love me so why would I do anything to destroy it. Yes, towards the end we agreed to be friend and put an end to our lovership, but that didn’t mean I had stopped loving him. I just said what he wanted to hear so that he would feel better to continue our friendship. I would do everything to keep him in my life so why would I do something so devilish and stupid to push him out of my life 😢😢???

Past 18 months hadn’t been easy for me. The road to recovery and healing didn’t happen until after my birthday trip to Rhodes, Greece this August. I’m definitely in a much better place now than before my trip, but a small part of me still unable to let go. I tried. God knows how hard I tried, but I haven’t succeeded yet. Sigh. I know I sounded like a broken record, but I really don’t want to keep my feelings to myself. I want to share openly because pouring out my feelings allow me to understand my feelings, thinkings and myself better.

Is not easy to be so raw and vulnerable, but I have to if I ever want to heal properly. I don’t know if I would ever forget him. Sometimes I think I might still love him, but I shut that love feeling off by thinking negatively about him. I know I shouldn’t have any feeling left for him, but I do. The consolation is I’m able to control it and it doesn’t affects me as much as it did previously. The feeling didn’t linger long as I could quashed it pretty quickly. So wasn’t too bad.

And yes, I still wonder how is he doing now? Do I pop into his mind occasionally? Good or bad doesn’t matter because I can’t stop how he thinks of me. He didn’t give me a chance to explain why I said what I said and he didn’t bother to find out the truth. He just assumed and accused which were what he usually did in the past even before the shit hit the fan!

I wish he read my blog because then there is a remote chance he might understands how his accusation has hurt me so deeply that it still haunts me until today. If I get to say 1 thing to him today, it will be “Can We Talk??”

p.s. Countless times I wanted to write a letter to him, but I didn’t. Why? Because I don’t want to torture myself wondering if he receives my letter and if yes, did he reads it or throws it away or how he will he reacts? Another reason is I know writing will not helps to clear the air. Only face to face meeting will allows us to be totally open and honest with each other. No hiding at all. So either we get to meet in person or I just have to learn to accept the fact that I will never have a chance to find out the truth and tell the truth. If that’s how God wants it to be, then I will just accept it. If that’s my destiny then I have to accept it. But I really hope 1 day we can get to sit down to talk and clear the air. I really do hope.

Challenges in rock climbing….

Had 3 private lessons on indoor rock climbing so far and beginning to enjoy the sport. Learned a lot more about right climbing techniques and also slowly building up my endurance, strength and stamina. I’m still a long way from becoming a decent climber. I know I need to practice more often on my own, but is kinda weird to practice solo. Seems very lonely. Haha. But I will do it soon if I want to become a better climber faster.

So what were my challenges I faced when I was climbing? The fear of letting go of the holds to climb. In 1 of the climbs, my instructor asked me to climb without using the hold. Meaning I have to climb with my palms on the wall and not grabbing the holds for support. I tried, but I failed. I had to use my legs to push myself up, but my legs were so heavy that I just couldn’t find the right balance. It was heavy because I was scared to let go as I was worried I would fall if I let go. Well, I wouldn’t fall because my instructor was belaying me hence I wouldn’t fall. But my mind kept telling me that I would fall hence I was scared to let go. At that moment, I realised I need to learn to let go of my fear and not let it paralysed me. I might not be able to successfully do it yet, but I’m very confident  I will be able to do it eventually. Mental fear is the biggest stumbling block for me I realised and I need to overcome it.

Rock climbing allows me to see my weaknesses clearly. I noticed that I’m not physically as fit as I thought and I still haven’t fully learn how to let go of my fear and build up my mental strength. Endurance and stamina are also something I need to work on as I’m still super weak in these 2 areas. I need to learn to use my legs to push myself up rather than using my arms to grip the holds and pulled myself up the climb.

What do I hope to achieve from practicing indoor rock climbing? I want to become a stronger person physically and mentally. I want to learn how to overcome my fears, how to truly let go both physically and mentally too. Indoor rock climbing isn’t just a sport for the body, but also for the mind.

I will not give up this sport. I will do my very best to be at least a decent climber 😁! I cannot allow myself to be lazy at all. I need to keep going even though when I’m tired (did that on friday afternoon, hence my performance wasn’t good). I’m determine. hehe.

Well, I hope my next post on this topic I will be able to share more about my progress and how successful I have managed to overcome my challenges. Till then…..Happy Sunday!